Toys!Toys!Toys!

Oh yes, mums and daddies, its that time of year again - toy sale time! Catalogues with pages and pages of toys and games, crazy mums heading out to the shops at midnight, trolleys everywhere and lay-by lineups that go for hours. Oh the joy of it all!

Image from here

I have to say, i did well this year. Last i went to the Big W toy sale 3 days after it started, expecting that they would still have plenty of the toys i wanted. Uh - Fail! But i was a newbie toy sale-er back then... i didnt know abot the crazy crush of mums who get there bang on midnight and spend half the night in a lay-by line. So this year, a little older and a little wiser, i prepared. I scoured the catalogues and made myself a list of what we wanted to for Flynn and for our two neices and 3 nephews; i double checked prices and Googled the items i liked to make sure they were appropriate; and i did a scout around the store a day or two beforehand so i knew where the things i wanted would be. Genius Mummy!

We ended up getting our two biggest purchases from Myer which meant that when i went to BIg W today i wouldnt have to get as much ( which meant there were less things for me to miss out on ). I didnt go at midnight with the other pyscho-mummies ( sleep is far too precious to me for that! ) but i did go at 8am, after Flynn and I had had breakfast, showered and got dressed. There was hardly anyone there - all the hardcore toy sal-ers had been and gone; and the slowpokes and newbies probably didnt realise the store was open continously from midnight. We were in, shopped, lay-byed and out in 45 mins!

And yes, before i praise myself too much and someone else points it - yes i know you can now do the shopping online. However, not all items are available online and part of me actually likes the planning and the searching and the satisfaction of finding all the stuff on my list. And now we have all the presents sorted for Christmas and all we need to get in December is a present for each other. Cant get much better than that i dont think!
How about you - did you or are you planning to hit up the toy sales this year? Are you an online shopper or a hands on kinda gal like me?

That Old, Ugly Feeling...

Does anyone else have those little meltdowns, those days when your whole mood is just completely off kilter and there isnt much you can do to change it?


Yea, well i had one of those on Sunday. I woke feeling not quite right, like halfway through the night the happy, satisfied part of myself had decided to slip between the sheets and not show her face in the morning. I felt frumpy, tired, ugly and irritable. I thought dressing up a little would lift my mood, so instead of my usual jeans/jumper/Converse All Stars combo i threw some tights on under a summer dress, with a cardy and boots. I really liked my outift ( way cute! ) but, even so, it did little to liven me up. Now i just felt like a fat, ugly frump wearing a pretty dress. So - no better then. I tried to put on a smiley happy face but it didnt stop the sense of "blah, blah, shitty, blah " from spreading through the inside of me. Even Micks playful teasing - which i usually give as good as i get - didnt make me smile. In fact, it only served to make me feel worse.

Image from here

And why? Was there a reason for this overwhelming feeling of ugly emptiness? I kept telling Mick "no, i dont know, not really ", telling him that i was just having a bad day. But that wasnt exactly true...

She's having another baby.
She's having another baby, and i'm not.

Why oh why is my sense of self-worth so still tied up with her? Why is the way i feel about myself so bound by what she does, or thinks, or says? Why can i feel so fulfilled and happy and confident in what i have and what i want, but one Facebook status is enough to bring me undone? And i cant even see the status ( i was "de-friended", remember? ) so i hear the news from Mick, and i have to bite my lip and say " Oh, really? Good on them " without also saying " I wish we were having one now too ".

Because, believe it or not, i am both happy for her and extremely jealous - even though my plans for a baby are only a few months from getting underway ( as it were... ). For some reason, the fact that she is adding to her family first makes me unbelievably sad for myself, like again i'll be sitting in her shadow and she'll be getting the things i would like to have for myself. Which, in retrospect, is probably how she felt when i was pregnant.... she had been trying to conceive for a while and there i was, falling pregnant accidentally. The difference is a) she already had everything else, and had it for a long time, while i was plodding along with the lower paid job, living with my parents while i saved for a home, spending years without a man to love me, having to scrimp and save for every little thing i wanted, when everything else came so easily to her.... and b) i can be envious that its not my time BUT i can still wish her the best. She didnt do that for me.

So, even though we havent spoken for almost a year, i sent her a message of congratulations. I got a polite, yet curt, " Thank you " in return. I dont know what i was expecting - if anything at all - but i had hoped for something more. Selfishly maybe - maybe sending her a message was inappropriate, like i was trying to get something from her that she isnt willing to give. Maybe it was me subconsciously trying to say " See? This is what you should have done for me. Why couldnt you just put your jealousy aside ? ". I dont know. I dont want to psycho-analyse myself anymore, I'm tired of picking apart and second guessing the choices i make ( made. didnt make. apparently made... ). Whats is done now but what remains is that there is a baby on the way, but its not on its way to me... and i feel like a failure.

Dear Flynn, Aged 18 months

Dearest Flynn Charlie

Happy 18 month-aversary honeybee! I cant believe that you are 18 months old already, which means its only 6 months til you are 2 - and then you really will be classed as a "toddler " and not a baby anymore. Not that it matters - you've been telling me for months you're a " boy " and only refer to yourself as a baby when we have special hug-gles together, and even then the " baby " part is accompanied by a cheeky grin.

See? That cheeky grin!

Actually, most things are accompanied by a cheeky grin. You've grown into such a happy, smiley, giggling ratbag of a boy. You're a cheeky little monkey, a real " boys boy " - you love nothing more than mucking in with Daddy or Poppy in the garage or backyard. You're apparently quite the hands-on little person too ... Poppy was very impressed when you watched him for only a few minutes and then you were able to put a pop rivet in the pop rivet gun all by yourself ( a Bob the Builder in the making maybe... )

All this " boy " stuff doesnt mean you dont also love spending time with me. I love the time we get to spend together readig books, or doing puzzles, and i think its incredibly funny that every morning you want to hide in the wardrobe with my shoes while i get dressed! You still get very much attached to me when you are sick or tired, and although i sometimes wish i could have my lap back, i secretly dont mind...

Kind of helping in the yard

In the past 6 months from my last letter you have:
* developed an amazing vocabulary. I dont mean to boast, but you speak very well for your age;
* had battles with Mummy and Daddy over your food - you still manage to eat A LOT, but you fell out of love with your vegies for a while there. Currently you smash down roast vegies, and will happily munch on raw capsicum, carrot and sometimes beans;
*had your first kiss from a girl - ooh la la! Olivia came over for a playdate and gave you a smoochy when she was leaving. You might have pulled a weird face, but I'm now planning on your wedding...
* learned to climb up the play equipment at two of our favourite playgrounds all by yourself. I still need to stand by and make sure you dont fall, but you can pull yourself up the steps. You've also found the courage to go down the slippery dip - but your favourite is still the swings.
* discovered a love of chocolate ( thank you Easter Bunny! ) that i think may actually be genetic... at least once a day you say " Mummy? Coc-o-lit ? "

Picnicing at our favourite playground

.... and so many other things. You've also been unfortunate enough to have croup 3 times, and a stint with a week long virus which changed you from a tiny tear-about to a tired, fluffy little baby-lump inside a few hours. But, most of the time, you are loud, crazy, boy-energy personified. And i wouldnt have you any other way.
Love ya guts ( and your stinky little feet ),
Your mummy...

Trust Yourself - Intuition

( By Susan Piver ) If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?


Wow - you know, though i've always kind of relied on my intution ( though for a while there "intuition " was very heavily influenced by " negative thought process " ) i've never actually thought about what she might look personified. Oh yea, my intution is definately a "she " - that much i'm sure of. A strong, sultry "she ", one who knows her own mind ( is that my own mind? ). I'm thinking long auburn hair, green eyes, taller than me and curvy. A strong, fiery redhead. I mean, she'd have to be to get me to listen to her, wouldnt she? I'm not going to take my cues from any old mousey, wet-blanket, woman. You know what? Think Famke Janssen in the " X-Men " movies and thats pretty close to what i'm picturing here....

Or maybe she looks like this...( image from here )

As for dinner - what the hell am i supposed to feed the inner woman who guides most of what i do? ( Hell, i say most, because lets not pretend that " negative thought process " doesnt still win out sometimes... ) It'd have to be something good, something hearty and comforting and satisfactorily filling. Something that could accompany a good heart-to-heart. Roast chicken would be the best bet i think... or is that what my intuition tells me?

What she would tell me is that my feelings of needing to change jobs are right. I keep thinking it back over, and putting myself in my co-workers shoes, but my intuition would tell me that for my family to be put first, i have to leave when i get the chance.
She'd tell me to make contact, even though it probably wont be returned the way i hope. Just put myself out there and do it, and prove that i can be what she wasnt.
And lastly she'd tell me that i'm a good mum. She tells me that all the time as it is, even when the self-doubt creeps in.

What would your intuition look like? Be like? Tell you?

Polly Dolly - Workin' 9 To 5

So i'm a bit late to this weeks Polly Dolly ( i was off adventuring with Mick - more about that later ) but this week the lovely Dani from Danimezza wants to know what Polly wears when she's...

At my office we ( unfortunately ) have to wear a uniform - navy trousers, black pin stripe shirt and black closed-toe shoes. Yes, black and navy together... whoever designed our uniform apparently knows little about fashion rules. But Polly here is wearing what i would love to be able to wear to work. The beautiful print skirt would be the centrepiece, paired with a basic black knit top and basic black tights. Then i'd add mininal accessories in a bright colour to liven up the black, but keep the outfit looking professional ( cue a chunky beaded necklace and some cute flats ).I'm also a fan of wearing my hair in a relaxed low bun for work ( a la Natalie Portman ) and the Jason Wu glasses are a must for a girl with poor eyesight. A tote big enough to carry not only my wallet and phone and everyday essentials, but my cute little Netbook too. Finish off with a light tinted moisturiser and dont forget my water bottle ( i dont drink coffee *gasp!* so i have a bottle of water on my desk all day ) and Polly is ready to head to the office?
What would your Polly wear to her 9 -5 ?

Shameless Self Promotion

Would you believe that i started blogging way back in 2007? No, probably not, especially not if you paid any attention to my blog stats. Which i sort of do, but kind of dont. See, even though i'm an old pro at the art of blog posting, the social media skills required for full-scale blogging success are still alluding me. I signed up for Twitter last year but have only just started "using " it; I've only just cottoned onto the awesome bloggy-community that is Digital Parents; and after 5 years of blogging, i've only just decided it might be wise to make myself a Facebook fan page ( although i'm not comfortable with the term " fan " page - i'm no celebrity! I dont have fans! ).

So please overlook my previous lack of utilising social media, and allow me this one chance at blog-whoring:

Please come " Like " me!

Find me on Twitter and chat to me about #Masterchef, the #Trust30 and sharing #TMI !

Be my friend on Digital Parents so i feel a part of the big mummy blog family!

Ok, alright, enough now - what i'm saying is its only taken me 5 years to realise that socialising within blog circles is important ( duh Amy - you dunderhead! ) and may just open up doors that would otherwise remained closed...

*NOTE* - My blog-whoring does not reach as far as " following " for "followings " sake. Unless you want to ( follow me please! )... though be pre-warned i'll only follow back if your fabulous!

Itchy

You know that feeling of wanting something, and wanting it now, now, NOW? That unscratchable itch? Yea, well i've got the itch, and i've got it bad. Its like my brain is stuck in fast-forward, and the more i dwell on thoughts of the future, the "itchier" i get. I'm wanting three things:

1) I want to get married
2) I want to build a house and
3) I want to have another baby.
And i want all these things to happen tomorrow, or at least thats how i've been feeling the last few weeks or so.

He's definately got an itch....

Its crazy really - each of those things are very realistically on the cards, its just that i cant shake these feelings of wanting to have it all happen tomorrow, next week, next month... not next year, or the year after that. I mean, our wedding is now only just over 4 months away ( which, in reality, is crazy/scary soon ... ) yet night after night i run through the plans in my head and secretly wish that everything was already organised and we could just say the " I do "s this weekend. After the wedding, Mick and I are planning on having another baby - and by planning i mean i've sat down and figured out how to manipulate the Pill so i have my last period right before the wedding and we can start baby-making on the honeymoon. And when we have another child, a two bedroom duplex is just not going to be enough room, so the want for another house will be more like a need. And, rather than buy an established home ( which is still a great fallback plan ) what we'd like to do is buy a block of land in a village just outside of the town we live in and build. I'm not talking anything fancy - no giant McMansion for us - just a 3 or 4 bedroom home, with built-ins and a nice big kitchen. We've even looked at the option of having a kit home/transportable home built by a local company and have found that it makes things pretty affordable for us, providing we sell the duplex before borrowing money for the build. Realistically, all this selling and borrowing and building cant happen til at least the end of this year, and all the timing becomes a bit trickier if you throw a pregnancy into the mix.

I guess what i'm saying is - who wants to give me $250 000? No, no, thats not it ( athough, if you have deep pockets... ). What i really mean is even though i have this crazy urge to have it all, and have it NOW, i also know that the more i focus on the future, the less i'm concentrating on the now. I'm living with my head in the proverbial clouds, which means i'm missing so much of whats happening down here in the real world. The real, tangible, its-happening-right-now... well... now. So - its not just me is it? Tell me i'm not the only one who is itching to get things done, and to do it all without resorting to massive credit card debt or an astronomical mortage?

Argh!!

Image from here

Why argh! ? Because i wrote a whole blog post at work today and it has somehow - again! - disappeared into cyber space. So please enjoy the little stuffed monster dude up there until tomorrow when i can find either find the lost post or find the motivation to write it again....

( Maybe Not ) Trusting Yourself

This is kind of, sort of, a bit about the Trust30 challenge. Those of you have been reading along at home the last two weeks or so will have noticed the majority of my posts in that time have been prompted by the Trust30, which was a daily posting challenge inspired by Ralph Waldo Emerson's text " Self Reliance ". I was so geared up to post every.single.day- something i'd never managed to do before - and it started out well. The prompts were thought-provoking, in depth, honest and a bit raw. But now?

I'm turned off a little - the prompts are becoming so repeatitive. You know... same same, but different?

Image from here

Of the last half dozen prompts, only one has inspired me to write ( Wholly New and Strange ). The other five have all been variations on the same theme, each question essentially the same just worded differently. What are you afraid of? What do you want to achieve in your life but havent tried? What is holding back from achieving your dreams? What do you dream of - write it down! Do it! All pretty much the same thing, and the same as one of the first few prompts we were given. Its like whoever was responsible for compiling all the prompts didnt actually check to make sure  they were doubling up on topics. Or tripling, or quadrupling...

I was very much inspired in the beginning, but i wont write about the same thing day in and day out for a month just so i can say i completed a blog post challenge. The idea was to help my blog move away from constant " fluffy " posts and more towards meaningful writing - if i write the same post over and over that kind of defeats the purpose, doesnt it? So i'll keep checking back at the Ralph Waldo Emerson page to see if they've come up with anything new, but if not, i'm resuming normal transmission around here....I hope none of you think less of me for giving up? I mean, there is no use flogging a dead horse right?

Trust Yourself - Wholly Strange and New

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

Image from here

You have no idea literally i'm going to take this one - the moment when I "had life in myself " and it was " wholly strange and new "? That moment, for me, was the day i found out i was pregnant. Literally the first time i life inside myself ( is your mind being blown yet? ) and every single thing about it was new and strange - yet somehow oddly ...well...right.

When i found out i was pregnant, even though it was only 3 months into my relationship with Mick ( yes, you read that right, 3 months when i found out, so i would have fallen pregnant 6 weeks into the relationship ), it was like everything i had ever dreamt of was falling into place. Not all that fanciful travelling the world, winning Lotto, marrying a bazillionaire kind of stuff - the romantic notion of what my everyday life would be like. I had the man who loved me, i was going to be a mother, i had a good job and a supportive family. Puzzle pieces were finally appearing to fit together.

And then one that i thought was so firmly in place fell out - the " best friend " piece. When i told her i was pregnant she stopped talking to me for a while. She thought it was far too early in the relationship ( even though the pregnancy wasnt planned ), that i shouldnt be having a baby at all and (admitted after the fact ) that she was jealous that I was pregnant and she wasnt. Even though at the time i was so desperately upset and confused, in retrospect i think those collective moments were the ones that really set me on my own path. Til then i had lived so much in her shadow - always the funny friend who never had a steady boyfriend, who didnt go to uni, who didnt have as good a job or as much money. Always living so much of my life vicariously through her because she seemed to have most of her puzzle pieces already in place. I was happy to just to sit on the sidelines and be her cheerleader. But, after those moments, after the hurtful silence and then the angry, bitter words.... after that, i realised how much i needed to step up, and step out, and become my own woman in order to be the best (future)wife and mother and human being i could be.

And, as most of my regular readers would know, we dont talk anymore. We havent spoken a word in at least 8 months now. I have missed her a lot, in small quiet moments, or in times of celebration, but i've tried to keep my chin up and walk my path with other, better, people at my side. The rest of my puzzle pieces are still in place and who knows? Maybe i'll never find a perfect fit for that " best friend " piece - maybe i'll try a whole bunch of other pieces and they'll each suffice for a time but none of them will ever fit the way she did. But what i do know is i'm stronger now for having lost her, and i'll keep pushing forward on my path, puzzle complete or not....

Polly Dolly - Baby Love

So - its time again for another Polly Dolly challenge, brought to you by the lovely Dani over at Danimezza. This week Dani is getting a bit clucky, because she'd like to know what we would wear to a ....

I had my baby shower in November, which meant that i was hot, sticky and had some major swelling going on. We had a lovely afternoon tea at my mum and dads, and i wore denim maternity shorts and a sweet, floral print, maternity cami. However.... i would love to have worn this maxi dress. It has plenty of room for a bump and would keep me nice and breezy. Sensible flats that also allow room for my swollen elephant feet, a funky wooden bangle and some aviators to keep away the sun. We'd have cute cupcakes and other delicious pastries, and a ( non-alcoholic ) pink lemonade. Someone would have bought me the Pandora pram charm, and no doubt i would have received some cute baby clothes and lovely baby bath products ( including multi coloured rubber duckies! )
What would you wear to your baby shower?

A ( Long ) Weekend By The Numbers

Its been a while since i've done a Weekend By The Numbers post ( the last one was in October of last year! ) and, seeing as i'm not inspired by todays #Trust30 prompt, i've decided to skip it and do a weekend run down instead....

Image from here

1 - date gone on with Mick. Oh yea, we left Flynn in the very capable ( and loving ) hands of my parents so we could go to the movies together.

3 - movies watched this weekend. " Pirates 4 " at the movies with Mick, " Shrek Forever After " at home with the boys and " Black Swan " at home by myself. Can i just say - Nina from "Black Swan "? Total nutcase...

140 - dollars spent on two suits and two ties for Mick and his best man for our wedding. They were business suits marked down from $200 at Lowes - oh yea, we are awesome savvy shoppers!

10 - blissful hours of sleep on Saturday night, when i had the night to myself. Mick had gone away to his brothers for the night, and i asked my parents if Flynn could have a sleep over so i could have sometime to myself... and they said " of course! " so i gotta to sit home Saturday night, watch " Sister Act2 ", Twitter, blog, read some of my book ( " Deliverance From Evil " by Frances Hill ) and eat icecream....all whilst being uninterrupted!

7 - hours spent in the Emergency ward early Monday morning with Flynn ( and his teddy bear, Bruce ). He'd come down with croup (again - this is the 3rd time in about 9 months ) so i had him in bed with me so i could monitor his breathing. He'd had the cough before, but never the horrible, wheezing stridor. At 1:30am he sat up, crying, trying to get in air but all you could was the squeak as the air struggled to get down into his lungs, and he was twitching his limbs and hot all over. I hastily put on my slippers, warm dressing gown ( and, strangely, my bra... ) and took him straight to the hospital. They put him on some nebulised adrenalin to open the airways, and then gave him a shot of steroids to help keep them open. 4 more hours of monitoring ( and trying to sleep on a narrow ER bed... not.comfy. Jan ) and we were allowed to go home... and, thankfully, he was much better last night. ( Oh, and in case you were concerned, Bruce the teddy has hit ears and his heart checked and he is ok aswell ).

25 - dollars my Mum spent on a pair of boots for me, just 'cause she wanted to by me a present. You have to love the specials at Rivers - boots that were originally $80 for $25? yes please! And oh - thank you Mum!

50 - approximate number of times Flynn has said " Luff you Mummy! " this weekend. Some when i dropped him at Poppy's for his sleepover; some at the hospital when he was all upset, cuddled up on my lap; and a whole bunch yesterday afternoon when he had his strength back a bit, running around the loungeroom like a man man. Gotta love those 3 little words....

Trust Yourself - Suprise

( By Ashley Ambirge ) Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?

Image from here

Let me say this - suffering through depression and social anxiety disorder, i constantly suprised myself with things i had  to do in order to get better. Simple everyday things, like striking up a conversation with a stranger or eating lunch by myself in a public place ... things i said ( to my counsellor or psychiatrist ) " I'll never to be able to do that! ".... i did them. So take those small things and multiple them by like a hundred and you get the biggest challenge you could throw at someone with social anxiety disorder : move to the other side of the world and live in a communty where you dont know anyone. Not a single soul.

A monumentally huge challenge in fact. But, even though i doubted myself a bazillion times, i was determined that this was one challenge i was going to make it through. And, in the end, not only was i suprised that i stuck it out but i was also suprised at how easy it seemed to be. Moving to the US to live with and work for a family i had never meant was daunting, but i was amazed at how quickly i felt accepted as one of them. I thought i'd be lucky to make one friend while i was there, but by the end of my year i was the " go to girl " for new au pairs coming in to the community, the one who was asked to take them out for dinner and show them around. I thought i might struggle with suburban/city living ( having come from a rural background ) but i took to NJ and New York City like a duck to water. All those things were once on my " No way Jose! " list but, in the end, the ease with which i accomplished them suprised not only me, but others too.

So what will i do to suprise myself this week? I think it may revolve around some training i have to do for work on Wednesday... i could either:
a) suprise myself by NOT getting cranky at management i'll have to deal with or
b) suprise myself by telling them to take theur job and shove it.
Option a) is definately going to be the better option for me right now, so lets just hope i dont get annoyed enough to run my mouth!

Trust Yourself - Divine Idea

Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?

Image from here

This one completely has me stumped ( i think it may be, in part, to all that grandiose language.... ). There is a divine idea which represents me? Really? Thats the first i've heard of it...

Please not the hint of sarcasm here, but truth be told i really dont know what to say here. I understand what the question is asking - in what areas of my life am i just following along and copying the crowd, holding my true self back by feeling like i have be the same as everyone else.... i just dont think there are any. There is nothing where i'm really trying to  " keep up with the Joneses ". There are, of course, things that others have that i would like; attributes that others have that i inspire to cultivate in myself. But nothing where i am deliberately cloning the behaviour of others in order to do... what ? Fit in? No - i learned a while back that no matter how hard i tried, monkeying the behaviour of others in order to become i wanted to be wasnt going to work. Not for me anyway - "fake it til you make it " might work for other people, but it was never going help me out.

So, in conclusion.... i have no asnwer. I dont know what my " divine idea " is yet ( and to be quite frank, that whole phrase just sounds so ..so... pompous to me ), but what i do know is that being a sheep and following along, in imitation of others, is not going to help me find it...

Trust Yourself - Your Personal Message

( By Eric Handler ) What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?

Image from  here

I'd say - mistakes are only human; whats important is that we learn from them. Negative emotions will come, im many forms ( revenge, jealousy, bitterness, lonliness, hatred ) but as hard as it is we need to let ourselves feel them... as humans we need to experience the full range of the emotional spectrum. In the end, what you make of yourself is entirely up to you - hold steady to the good things, let go of the bad, and remember always that you are an important part of the universe. Without you, it literally wouldnt be the same....

Trust Yourself - Scared To Do

( By Mary Jaksch )Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.


You know what - i think i've written about quite a bit of " scary " stuff on here. Depression, suicide, loneliness, heartbreak, lying, manipulation and selfishness. Thats some pretty scary shit right there, some stuff that i know other bloggers wouldnt even contemplate writing about. But back when i started this blog, thats primarily what it was for - it was a way of externalising all those things that were weighing me down. It really didnt matter to me whether anyone else read it or not ( although helpful comments were always appreciated ). So when i first saw the question posed in this prompt, i really didnt know what i could answer with. " I've done all the scary stuff - end question " ? And then it hit me...

Image from here

Revenge. Cold, hard, bitchin' revenge. I dont want to admit the feelings i'm having because to even think them makes me sick - what kind of person must i bet to feel this way? Doesn't even having these thoughts make me just as bad as she was? Or does it make me as bad as she said i am? But now here i am, going to admit them, in writing, for all of you to judge .... and thats scary. But you know what would be so satisfying to me? The " revenge " that would make me feel so much better about the way she treated me? What would make me feel like the "winner" ?

Falling pregnant and having another beautiful baby before she does....

Polly Dolly - High School High

And for a breif break in #Trust30 broadcasting - its time for Polly Dolly! ( My favourite weekly memo brough to you by the very talented Dani over at Danimezza ). This week Dani is taking us, and our Polly's, all back to.... 

So thats me, right there - i typically lived ( during winter ) in a hoodie and jeans, or comfy cords like Polly is wearing. I'd wear some kind of skate shoes and i like tieing scarves in my hair, Alice band style, for a bit of colour and style ( my hair wasnt long enough for pony tails or braids or buns... ). I always at least two rings - usually three or four - and they were all either silver statement rings or silver and garnet. And, despite not being too much into makeup at the time, i hardly ever went without mascara and eyeliner. My friends and i went to the movies A LOT and if we couldnt afford the cinema we had movie nights at each others houses... and if i wasnt watching a movie, you could find me in my room, listening to sad/angry music and writing bad emo poetry ( hence the notebook and pen ). Oh yea - i was totally emo on in the inside i just didnt feel the need to do the white make up/black clothes thing!
What was your high school style?  

Trust Yourself - Five Years

( By Corbett Barr ) There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

Me, circa late 2005/early 2006

Dearest 2006 Me - congratulations on getting the optical dispensing job. You were a little worried that you'd return from your year in the USA and not be able to find work, but it only took you 6 weeks. You will have to study, and towards the end of your course you will become a little disillusioned ( some of that old negativity creeping in... ) but dont fret - you pass the course, get your qualification and get licenced. You'll be very proud of yourself, and so you should be.
You wont be stuck at home with Mum and Dad forever either. You'll move out, then back in to save some cash, and the you'll buy a place of your own. This place will become your first family home - yes, despite how you feel right now, the way you get anxious and despair about ever having anyone to love you, you DO find someone. Or they find you, you're still not sure exactly how it worked.... but you find each other and fate deals the cards and you make yourself a fine little family. Your son is becoming quite the little person - he makes you proud, and you love him dearly. Just like your family love you.... dont ever forget that. You'll have your black moments where it all seems futile, but hold steady - it's all going to come good in time.
Enjoy SE Asia when you get there,
The 2011 You.

Future me? Maybe... image from here

Dearest 2016 Me - How are things? Here's how i hope they are - i hope you have a happy marriage; that you have at least two beautiful children ( one more than you currently have ); that you find a better job than you have now and are content in your work; and i hope that you've sold your first family home. It was full of love ( and unfolded washing and magazines you hoarded and bloody toast crumbs all through the carpet ... ) but it was a bit too small for more than three people. I hope that you've found a wonderful family-sized house, and that you've made it into a comfortable home for your children to grow up in. I hope that you can look back at me, the 2011 you, and see me as a strong, resilient woman, and that you are glad for the way that i was... I literally made you what you are ( or aren't, as it may turn out to be ). I'm looking at you, five years away from the here and now, and i'm almost certain the soul-searching i'm doing in this time and place will make you a good woman, a good mother, a good wife. A good person.
Give 2016 Mick a big, dirty, pash from me,

The 2011 You.

Trust Yourself - Dare To Be Bold

The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.


( By Matt Cheuvront ) Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.
The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?

Their was only one thing that immediately came to my mind when i got to pondering these question - I want to be a childrens author.

I've always wanted to - even in kindergarten, when my teachers read my little stories that were a paragraph long instead of just one sentence like the other kids, i would say " When i grow up, i'm always going to write stories ". When asked the same question in Year 6, my final year of primary school, i answered " an author or a paediatrician " ( That last one fell off the radar when i realised too much blood and yucky stuff doesnt make me feel well ). I even expressed the same wish here last year, posting a story i had written for my son and asking you other mummies to critique it. It reviewed well... so whats holding me back?

Fear, certainly - fear of rejection ( What if i think i'm good but no-one else does? ); fear of failure ( What if i concentrate all this effort and nothing comes of it ? ); and, strangely, fear of success ( What if i got one book published and then i couldnt produce a second ? ). But also lack of " know how " - aside from sending off a manuscript to a publishing house, i would have no idea how you go about getting a childrens book publised. I have no contacts in the industry and certainly no-one in my social circle who would have any either. My blog is not well known enough to garner any attention that could help promote any writing i do, and there is no way in the known universe that i have the finances to self-publish ( i dont think i'd want to know anyway - its apparently quite the difficult and thankless route to take ).

So where to from here? I keep churning ideas through my head, keeping noting them down and trying to make something of them; i research publishing house and agents and other novice authors; I volunteer my writing services on websites like Digital Parents and try and get my name out there. I post stories now and then on my blog to see how the childrens-book-reading public respond, and i hope that they enjoy reading them as much i enjoy writing them, that their children might get so excited by the story that they demand repeat readings. I'd love to illicit that kind of response from small children, that huge smile that lights up their faces and the little giggles they get when the words sound funny to them.

I love that stuff - that, that right there, thats what i want to accomplish....

Trust Yourself - Come Alive

Another of the #Trust30 posts - and just for future reference, for the ext month or so you can assume every post is a #Trust30 post unless i say otherwise...
( By Jonathon Mead) Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.
Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?

One week, in the scope of things, is not a very long time ( though much longer than the 15 minutes were given in the first prompt of the #Trust30 challenge ). It might be long enough to organise that sky-dive you've always wanted to do, or take that short trip up the coast that you've been promising yourself, or to dance on the table tops nude at your favourite pub. But, in the scope of things, one week really is not that long a length of time. So, if i did only have that short time left, what would i want to NOT have to worry about? What would i want out of the way so i could enjoy the time i had left?

I'd quit my job - that ones a given. Not only would i not want to spend my last 7 days on Earth working, but i wouldnt want to be working for the company that i am now.
I'd hastily arrange a marriage certificate and licence and tie the knot, even if our parents and Flynn were the only ones in attendance. And...
I'd take my brother aside and tell him to grow up. None of us are sulky teenagers anymore and that means more empathy and less selfishness and immaturity.

Those are the three things that i'd want to get off my plate - off my " To Do " list, so to speak. So why dont i do them now? Why are they still loitering on that list of things that need doing, just not in the forseeable future? Well - the wedding IS in the forseeable future. With only 5 months til our big day i think we can pretty much take it as a given that this WILL happen. Quitting my job? Well, being the responsbile adult and mother that i like to think that I am... i cant quit without another job to go to. I cant just leave my family hanging for the sake of my own happiness. It might be sad to say, but sometimes we need to put our own satisfaction and happiness aside, just for a little while, to benefit the greater good. I wont do it forever though - in fact, i am currently looking a other employment options and should they not work out i fully intend on not going back to my current job after my next period of maternity leave. ( Having another child is also at the top of my " To Do " list....unfortunately that one doesnt have instaneous results, and wont be hurried ).

And the brother thing? Lets just say someone needs reminding about the importance of family, and the way its supposed to work. He also needs reminding that just has he aged so have others, and though he still wants to see them as they were, theyve grown and matured and so should he. The reason i dont say this to him in the here and now is because, right now, it isnt exactly my place. And, even if it were, there would be repercussions that maybe i dont want to deal with. ( Selfish? Yes - perhaps this is a slight case of the pot calling the kettle black.) So i dont say it, though if it isnt said soon - by me or whomever else - it might end up being too late.
So thats that - those are things i'd need to do to allow myself to breath and feel alive for my last week on Earth. After those were out of the way... sky-diving? Freaking hell yea! Trip up the coast? Definately - Mick and Flynn included. Nudie table dancing at the pub? Even with only a week to live, methinks not....

Trusting Yourself - Travel

This another blog in the #Trust30 initiatve series - cant believe i'm up to prompt #5 already...

( From Chris Guillebeau ) Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

As a teenager - and especially one who suffered from depression - i constantly had my head in the clouds, dreaming of the future ( which, in my mind, would no doubt be much better than my present... ). And these future adventures quite often occurred in exotic locations, foreign destinations as far from my rural town existence as i could get. I did a lot of day-dreaming, so choosing just one place that i'd like to visit before i die hasnt been easy.

I've been fortunate enough to be able to have travelled a little. I lived and worked in suburban New Jersey, USA, which allowed me to spend a lot of time in New York City ( and doesnt every film loving teenager dream of going there? ); i did a four day trek through the Andes to Machu Picchu and experienced not just the majesty of Mother Nature but the spiritual beliefs of a culture much, much different from my own ( its a long story ); and i've done the SE Asia thing, spending a few weeks traipsing through Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand. At one point, my short term life goal was to have visited at least one country on every continent before i turn 30 - with only 2 and half years to go i am only 2 continents shy of that goal but, unfortunately, a lack of finances has made achieving that goal impossible. So where do i go from here?

Morrocco

I move the goal posts from " ...before i turn 30 " to " ...before i die " and to achieve that goal i'd take my updated dream trip - a few weeks travelling from Morrocco , through Portugal, into Spain, and then across to France and finally Italy. So rather than the " place " referred to in the prompt question, i've gone with the one trip i want to do before i die. This trip crosses everything off my list - two continents, fantastic food, different cultures and languages and a broad range of experiences.

Spain

 Its a trip i could do with my husband ( who is still currently my fiance ) when our children ( currently only one but we'll work on that towards the end of this year ) are grown; something we can aspire to do when we retire, or earlier if circumstances allow. It will mean dedicating small savings to a specific account, sacrificing frivolous things would could have in the here and now, knowing how amazing the end goal will be. It means cheaper, smaller, domestic holidays as a family, quality family time spent in our own backyard, saving that big overseas trip for us as a couple - a reward for a job well done in raising a family. ( Presumably ).

Italy

And it means that i keep dreaming of the colours; the aromas; the rushes of excitment - and live my life as if that dream is only a day or two away...

* All images from http://www.weheartit.com/  - and i hope the bullfighting picture doesnt offend anyone, i just wanted something that was quintessentially Spanish...

Trust Yourself - Post It Question

Another #Trust30 initiative prompted post....
( From Jenny Blake ) Identify one of your biggest challenges at the moment (ie I don’t feel passionate about my work) and turn it into a question (ie How can I do work I’m passionate about?) Write it on a post-it and put it up on your bathroom mirror or the back of your front door. After 48-hours, journal what answers came up for you and be sure to evaluate them.

It wasnt hard for me to identify my challenge. When i thought about it, one thing kept coming to my mind: I cant stay on top of things. Domestic things like folding the washing and putting it away, or keeping the carpet vacuumed; emotional things like NOT feeling like a bad housewife, or NOT yearning for my best-friendship back; even work things, which i claim to not really care about, keep dragging me down. And so, my post it note question becomes:

And, though the challenge says to put the post it note on the bathroom mirror ( where steam will make it fall down ) or on the back of the front door ( where either a toddler will pull it down, or a fiance will no doubt laugh at it ) i've decided the best place for it is here on my blog, and on my desktop.... where, no doubt, i will see it more often than i would any other place! Call back in 48 hrs to see the results....

Trust Yourself - One Strong Belief

I'm up to the third prompt ( or day 3 ) of the Domino Project's #Trust30 initiative. Todays prompt is:

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

Rather than write about some abstract theory of belief, or a moral value that i hold dear, i'm going to nominate two words: blood donation. Blood donation is my thing, the cause that i choose to champion. I've done so here before and i'll do it again - donating blood has got to be the easiest way of volunteering, of giving back to your community, of helping your fellow man. And, frankly, i cant understand why more people dont do it.

We've all heard the ads about how one in 3 Australians will need donated blood during their life time - but only one in 30 will give it. ONE IN 30. That, my friends, disgusts me. I understand that their are those of us who cant give blood due to medical reasons and thats ok. I dont expect people to put others, or themselves at risk. I understand that donating blood is not recommended for the elderly, nor for the very young. Thats fine too. I'm even ok with people who cant give because of tattoos or piercings ( you are made to wait 12 months after being tattooed or piereced, to make sure you havent picked up any infections ) because i have tattoos, and i've sat out those waiting periods. But, other than that, i've given blood every 10-12 weeks, when i've been allowed, since i was 16 years old. Its hard - its maybe an hour of your time, in a comfy chair, watching tv, and then getting a sausage roll and a milkshake ( or cheese, bikkies and a juice in my case... ) when you're done.

Thats why i'm so disgusted with people who dont donate when their is no reason for them not to. Those people that say " Aww, i dont donate 'cause i'm scared of needles " or they cant be bothered or they just dont want to. Those are not reasons - those are excuses, and they're pretty fuckin' weak excuses at that. Everytime i donate blood, i'm helping save 3 lives - by the same logic, everytime people say " no " to blood donation they are putting those 3 lives at risk. And thats just not good enough. I once said that i'd love, if i were Prime Minister, to instigate a " No Giving, No Receiving " policy with blood - so that if you are fit to donate, and you dont.... well, you just cant have any blood when you need it. Thats pretty hardline, i know - but maybe thats the way it needs to be. Maybe if people knew their lives would be at risk aswell the reserves of blood would sky rocket. Their would be enough to go round. There wouldnt be people with blood disorders, or cancers, or immune diseases, being told " Sorry - no treatments today, we dont have enough blood ". No people needing transfusions after accidents or surgery, or women after having given birth, being told that there just isnt enough to help them out.

So there you go - thats my big belief, my big cause. Blood donation. It boils down to 4 hrs of your time per year, and you save at least 12 lives. Imagine how many people you could help save over the course of your donating life - literally hundreds. So stop with the bullshit excuses, and get down to your local blood bank and donate if you are able. If you arent able, help actively promote it amongst your family and friends ( like i do ). And if you are donating - well bloody done to you. You are literally a life-saver.

How about you? Do you donate blood? And what is your big belief or cause that you stand up for?

30 Days of Music - Days 27 + 28

Well, well.... we're getting towards the end of the ( extraordinarily stretched out ) 30 Days of Music challenge. Only four days or, in my case, two posts to go!
Day 27 - What song would you like played at your wedding/union?
So unless you are really new around these parts, you would be aware that i am getting married very soon ( 5 months tomorrow in fact! ) so i'm currently in the process of choosing the songs for the wedding: one to walk down the aisle to, one to play when the ceremony is over, and one for the first dance. In lieu of giving away the songs that i may or not have settled on and may or may not want to keep secret, here's a song that i'm considering but i dont think will end up making the cut:

The song is called " Just Because " by Nikka Costa - she's an Australian born jazz/neo soul/funk kind of singer and this is one of my all-time favourite romantic songs ( try to listen to the lyrics and ignore the Gary Oldman tribute. Apparently the song doesnt have a dedicated film clip... ). I'd love to walk down the aisle to it, or have it for a our first dance, but i think its important that those songs resonate with both myself AND Mick, and not just me. Seeing as he doesnt really know this song, and has only ever heard the one time i made him listen to it, i dont think " Just Because " is the right fit for both of us so its gonna have to miss out. Otherwise it would be a beautiful wedding song!

Day 28 - What song would you like played at your funeral?
There are two songs which i'd like played at my funeral ( and yes, even at a tender 27 years of age i've thought about it ) but of those two i think this one is more " me ":

" It Wont Rain All The Time " by Jane Siberry, from the soundtrack to " The Crow " ( which may just be my favourite movie of all time ). If there is anything such as a "perfect " funeral song, this is it for me. Poignant, yet uplifting. Hopefully, though, it wont need to be used in tha capacity for many, many years to come...

Trust Yourself - Today

Still trying to play catch-ups in the Domino Projects #Trust30 initiative. Here's the prompt for what should be day 2:

( By Liz Danico ) If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence?

Image from here

Today is.... being comfortable in lifes predictability, yet excitedly planning for the future.

Trusting Yourself - 15 Minutes To Live

So, with only four days ( or prompts left ) in the 30 Days of Music challenge ( another post to come this afternoon ), i was thinking i was going to be back to posting the same old stuff again, and hoping that i wouldnt bore all you readers to death. So, happily, whilst cruising around the forums on Digital Parents i found a link to a new (and somewhat more meaningful ) writing "challenge ". In celebration of Ralph Waldo Emerson's 208th birthday, the good people who run a website in homage to him are running the #Trust30 initiative:
 #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey.


Now, like the 30 Days of Music challenge, i think i might spread these prompts out over the course of two months - and seeing as the content will probably be a lot " heavier " in nature, i'll probably need the extra time to think them over.Plus, i'm already a day behind so it wont be so bad if i skip a day or two. So, day one?
( By Gwen Bell ) You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live....

Image from here

Without a doubt, after giving myself 30 seconds or so to panic and ponder my own mortality, i would have to contact my most treasured of loved ones. Only those closest to me, those who have supported me, loved me, truely known and seen and lived me.

To my fiance - Thank you for finding me, and for being ready to accept the love i had to give. You were the light at the end of a dark tunnel, the dawn at the end of the longest night. I love you, and always will.

To my son - If your father was my dawn after night, you are the sunshine who keeps the clouds at bay. You're my honeybee, my baby cakes, and even though your feet smell i love your guts forever.

To my mother - we had our struggles ( as sulky teenagers are want to cause... ) but we've come good in the end. Realise the potential that you have, and go with it - stop your worrying and let yourself "be". And love yourself, the way you always, even in your funny way, loved me.

To my sister - i love you, and despite having called you a bitch when we were kids, i dont really think that. I think you are headstrong and sometimes a bit dramatic, but that you are stronger than you imagine and will make it in the end. Forget your naysayers, and remember you.

To my father - my rock, my sounding board and the first man i ever loved. I am proud of the way you live your life, proud of the way you love your family, and proud to be your daughter. See you on the otherside, wherever they may be.

To the rest of the people who inhabit my life i'd have to leave a farewell note - short, sweet and to the point:
I loved you all. Goodbye, and good luck...









 

Polly Dolly - Bachelorette Babe

Polly Dolly time again - brought to you by the vivacious Dani over at Danimezza - and though, when seeing this weeks challenge, i was really eager to do it.... i found it really hard! Why? Well, being due to get married in 5 months mean i have one other celebration due a few weeks before that. What is it you ask? Well Polly is invited, and Dani wants to know what she would wear to a....

Polly Dolly - Bachelorette Babe by Amy1984 featuring sequin dresses

Oh man - i found this challenge so tricky! I think it was mainly because i have my own hens night coming up and i know what i want to wear to mine ( a red and silver dress that i had made especially for me in Hoi An, Vietnam .... if i can still fit into it! ) but i wanted Polly to wear something completely different. So, after much searching, i finally settled on this gorgeous Michael Kors dress - yes its a simple shape but its sequins all the way baby! Relatively simple shoes and jewellery in a complementary gold tone let the party dress take centrestage. Smoky eyes and two tone nails make Polly feel extra sexy on her last night as a single lady. Of course her friends make her wear a ridiculous flashing badge, eat "interesting" lollipops to keep her dancing energy up, and copious amount of Midori ( make mine a Midori Sour.. ) give Polly the bravado to play silly party games. Keep the girl-power tunes pumping and it looks like Polly is in for a wild night!
What would your Polly wear to her hens night?

Adventures in Baby Babble

My boy might have been a bit slow in getting up and walking but he's no slouch when it comes to talking - its jibber-jabber all day long at our house. What is pleasing to me ( and an endless source of pride ) is that a lot of this jibber-jabber is actual words, not just baby blah-blah. He's got names of immediate family members down pat ( including two Poppies, a "Grandma ", a "Nanny " and an Aunty " Pippy " ) aswell as basic toddler requirements such as " toast ", " milk ", " apple " and " bed ".

I belive the words to accompany this picture should be " cok-o-lit " and " yummmm! "

Of course, not all of these words are recognisable to outsiders - some of them only myself and Mick can decipher. For example:

•  " Googles! " is Flynn-speak for " Wiggles! "
•  " Cuck " translates to " truck " ( and no chance of getting that confused with the F-word... he can say that one quite clearly )
•  " Farf " is, depending on the circumstance, either " bath " or " giraffe " and
•  " Ont " is very important in combination with a noun, such as " Ont milk " or " Mum, ont lunch ".... yes, " Ont " is Flynns version of the all important ( and seemingly never-ending ) " I WANT ".

So it seems like just lately Mick and I are playing a constant guessing game - Flynn is at the age where his speech is developing rapidly but sometimes what he says at what we hear are two very different things, so he gets mega-frusturated. He'll point his chubby finger, and stomp his little finger and instistenly repeat a word over and over, as if to say " Mum, you know exactly what i'm talking about! ".... meanwhile i'm left trying to figure out exactly what " Mem!Mem!Mem! " means ( for the record, that one worked out as " pen " ). Despite these somewhat trying interactions ( for all of us ) its also very exciting - the time when i can sit and have crazy toddler chats with my Flynny is almost here!

What about you? What words did your toddler use that only you and they could understand?