Saturday, December 31, 2011

I Solemnly Swear: New Years Resolutions 2012

So its the last day of the year and its time to get reflective - on the year past and on whats ahead in the year to come. Its also the time when bazillions of people around the world choose to set themselves those very special New Years goals that we call resolutions - and i am one of those people. And because i'm also a blogger i get to share!

( I know i used this pic last year bit i love me some Calvin and Hobbes! )

The Conceptual Goal: as i explained last year this is the goal that has no real, measurable outcome - its more of an intangible. I've had a think about the what i've experienced this year, things i have seen and done and learnt that can be done in a better way in 2012 and i've come up with this as 2012's goal: to find the ability to trust, and to share of myself more readily with those whom i can accept into my circle. Ooh, all deep and meaningful. Basically, i have trust issues - that is, i trust very few people which means i can quite often be misinterpreted as being cold, or boring. I'm neither of those things, i've just been very badly burnt in the past when i've given wholly of myself and found that that trust has not been reciprocated. So this year i want to find it within myself to take that chance at trusting people, which means i will be able to open myself up to the opportunity of friendship more easily. And that can only be a good thing right?

The Physical Goal: So where the conceptual cant be measured, the physical of course is the one where everyone will be able to see whether i pass or fail. This year i actually have two: #1 to have a baby and #2 to establish a successful business. The first is kind of self explanatory. The second is what i hope for the business that Mick and I have bought ( and that we start running as of January 3rd - nervous! ) - i hope that we can at least match the finacial forecast that was given to us by the previous business owners, and establish a comfortable relationship with the existing clients. That to me would mean a " successful " year, and would give us the confidence to proceed as small business owners into the future.

How about you? What is on your agenda for 2012?

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Polly Dolly - Catch Up Week

So you may have noticed that Polly Dolly has been M.I.A around here lately.... and believe you me, i've missed her! So i was happy to see that Dani from Danimezza is playing catch ups this week posting a new Polly Dolly theme every day. Here are my first 3 for the week:
Polly Dolly - Mrs Claus
Hello Polly Claus! I tried to recreate what i wore on Xmas day but i couldnt find the right cut of dress ( mine was an empire waist with spaghetti straps ) so i went with this one instead. I swapped my casual sandals for something a little dressier and found a gorgeous little pendant which i would love to own in real life...

Both myself and Polly love to be comfortable in bed so for those hot summer nights i've found a cute little nighty, some comfy pillows and some soft cotton sheets. Music is an essential for falling asleep and a bottle of water beside the bed so i dont have to fumble to the kitchen in the dark in the middle of the night...
And lastly, Polly as a Bali beach babe. I thought we have to go with a huge pop of colour for a tropical holiday so i've gone with a bright orange kaftan, some beaded flat sandals ( swap for some wedges for night time cocktails ) and a big tote to take to the beach!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dear Flynn, Aged 2 Years - Happy Birthday!

To my dear Flynn,

You crazy little fluffy-nut - happy birthday! Mama ( yep, just lately you almost always call me " Mama " instead of " Mummy " ) can't believe you turned 2 yesterday and you can NOT be called a baby anymore. As Daddy and I keep telling you, you are most definately a big boy now - a funny, (mostly) well-tempered, smart little boy who loves being outside, wrestling with his dad and pretty much anything with wheels.

When you're not being all rough and tumble, you  do enjoy reading a book or five. This is something i really love about you. I love that you've taken an interest in books and even if Daddy or I can't sit and read to you, you are more than happy to sit on your bed with CharlieBear and Hoot and your teddy bear Bruce and flip through the book yourself. You also love music and ask me to put your music on for you in your room at least once a day ( Justine Clark and the Wiggles are you favourites ). And then you dance and sing and a few times i've even caught you just lying back on your bed listening, just like a teenager would. That kind of made me smile even though it kind of reminded me of how fast your growing up...

You've conquered so much this year - you started walking just after your first birthday, then running, and then climbing up anything you could get to. You talk constantly and your speech is developing rapidly ( methinks this is because you know a lot of children older than yourself, and you spend a lot of time chitty-chatting with them ) and you've even starting counting to 10 ( although apparently the number 6 doesnt exist.... ).
That binky you have in your face there is going this year too....

This coming year i've got one major thing on your to-do list, little man - potty training. Mama would love for you to learn to go to the " potty " so that we can throw away the nappies. We've already started - slowly - and though we had one morning where you successfully went in the potty most times when i ask if you need to go you shake your head and say " No mama no! Dont want it! ". No matter - slow and steady and i'm sure by this time next year we can say you're nappy free!

I know i say it all the time but - Mama loves you! I'm so proud of the way your are growing, the personality you are developing, the little person you are turning into. I love that you use your manners 99% of the time, that your pretty fast and loose with your kisses and "huggles" and that you love to laugh. Daddy and I couldnt love you anymore if we tried!
Keep up the awesome sleeping and you're pretty much the perfect kid,
Love you millions,

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Santa Photos 2011

So - it was inevitable that at some point before Christmas i would post Flynns 2011 Santa photos, right? Come on, every " mummy " blogger worth her salt is throwing out the best pics of their kiddies, and by "best " i mean one like this:
Oh yes, that is my beautiful son - cacking his daks and screaming his lungs out at having to be anywhere near Santa. This is honestly the ONLY photo we could get Flynn in the frame with the big red man... every other time i'd plop him in that little chair and he'd dart straight back up before the photo could be taken. Luckily we have our Santa photos done by my very good friend Ree ( look her up under Speaking One Thousand Words on Facebook ) and she's smart enough to know that not every child is going to like Santa, so she has a couple of other Christmas-y set ups to be used. Also luckily, we jointly decided to take some photos with the other set-ups before we tried with Santa, because i had kind of predicted a major Flynny meltdown. So, instead of having just that hilariously horrible Santa photo, i have these beauties to remember this Christmas by:

He wasnt overly fond of the tinsel under his bum....

....but he did enjoy ringing Santa's bell...

....and this? This is my favourite.

So what about you? Are you're kids " okay " with Santa, or did they crack it? And how were you as a kid?
Oh - and from me and mine to you and yours - Merry Christmas everyone!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A Musical Interlude

Having run all over town this morning doing some semi-last minute errands before Christmas ( including taking Flynn for a haircut appointment at 8:15am.... ) i got to listen to a fair bit of music whilst out and about in the car. Usually its The Wiggles all the way while we cruise around - lets just say it keeps the peace - but today i vetoed the thousandth repeat of " Wake Up Jeff! " and decided to switch on Micks IPod. After wading through some crap ( ahem... White Zombie ) i came across the first dance song from our wedding... which firstly made me a bit nostalgic - even though we've only been married 6 weeks - and secondly, i remembered that i had promised a few more wedding posts. So, today i present you all with the three most important songs for any girls wedding:
#1 - the song she walks down the aisle to;
#2 - the song the newlyweds walk back up the aisle to to greet their guests and
#3 - the all important first dance song.

#1 - " Just Because " by Nikka Costa. I thought a lot about the song i wanted to walk down the aisle to and the one thing i knew is that i didnt want it to be a song that had be " done " a bazillion times before. So i (we ) went with one of my favourite love songs of all time, which really just somes up my feelings towards Mick... basically, i love him ' just because ' - because of all the simple, little things that just make him him.

#2 - " Burn Your Name " by Powderfinger. One of my FAVE bands of all time. This song came out a few weeks before Flynn was born and from the first time i heard it it was a song that represented so much about how i felt about Mick and our impending family. When it came to planning the wedding i knew i wanted to have it somewhere, and because its a bit more uptempo we decided to use it as the song we played after the ceremony, when everyone is a celebratory mood.

#3 - " Bless the Broken Road " by Rascall Flatts. We were pretty much unanimous on this one. We both love this song, it represents the way we felt coming into our relationship, and its a great melody for a slow dance. Love!

So there you be - the 3 most important songs from my special day. How about you - what songs did you have, or would you have, at your wedding?

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Nothing Yet....

Seeing as its Sunday and there is precisely zero happening around, i dont have much to say - except this:

There is still no bun in my oven. Absolute boo to that.

To be fair - to myself, and to everyone else out there trying to conceive - we have only been trying for 7 weeks, or two cycles ( the first of which, having come off the pill, i dont think i ovulated anyway ). So its not like we've been trying forever, or are even anywhere near thinking about fertility tests in the like.... its just that i so badly want a baby like RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE and had my fingers crossed that it would all happen in an instant . ( You know, like it did last time, when i missed two days worth of the Pill and miraculously fell pregnant.) But it hasnt and i know, in my head, that it very rarely does happen like that.

However, the heart wants what the heart wants, regardless of how much the head knows better. Long story short, i'm not pregnant yet and i;m taking one positive from it - it means i can have a drink ( or two or three ) over Christmas! Hello $3.99 bottles of Muscato!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Different Christmas Perspective

It was Christmas – full of tinsel, and baubles and fake-bearded Santas. It is, of course, also a time full of other, more grown up concerns but when your 5 years old the sparkle and the whispered wishes for presents is all that you notice. You dont notice the petty arguments about whose family you’ll be spending Christmas lunch with, nor do you notice the bank account rapidly emptying as those sought after presents are paid for and hidden away in the back of the wardrobe.  You only see the happy, pretty, most-wonderful-time-of-the-year things.

However, even though your 5 years old, its hard not to see the panic in your fathers face, or to not recognise it your mothers voice. You cant understand why they’ve left you and your brother at Nanny’s, and they’ve sped off down the street with your other brother strapped tightly into the back seat of the car. Its worse when they dont come back by dinner, and Nanny gets off the phone to tell you “ You’re a lucky duck – you get to have a sleep over! “ It upsets you, partly because Mummy and Daddy and Eli havent come back yet, but also – how is Santa going to find you if you arent in your own bed? Where will he leave the presents? For you, and 4 year old Josh, and for Eli? You arent to know that Eli wont be getting any presents this year, nor any other year after that, and that Christmas, though it will always be full of tinsel and baubles and fake-bearded Santas, will now always be tinged with sadness.

 You dont know all that when your 5 years old – ignorance, as its said, is such bliss. But naive as 5 year olds are, its hard to be ignorant when your parents come home without your baby brother, and the only thing in abundance that Christmas is hot, silent, tears....

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Great Google-y Gaga! ( Or 7 Reasons Why I Hate Lady Gaga )

Every once in a while , as a blogger, you get curious as to what your stats are, and you feel the need to go and check them out ( although i'm never checking Klout again - Klout makes me sad ). I also feel the need to reminisce every now and then, to take a walk down the bloggy memory lane - to read old posts and comments, and ponder whether anything much has changed since then. And when i get that urge to re-read my old stuff the first post i go to is this one...

For those of you who have been here long enough to remember ( or for those of you too lazy to check the linky... ) i am, of course, talking about the infamous Lady Gaga post of August 2009. The one in which i (tongue-in-cheek-edly ) listed my grievances with the great Lady.... which in turn earned me a crapload of comments. But not the good kind. No, no, the majority of these are the " you stupid bitchface wanker mole ! " kind of comments, the ones most often found spewing forth from the fingers of the seemingly infinite amount of keyboard warriors lurking on the Inter-Webs.

So, seeing as that particular post got such rave reviews ( raving mad maybe... ) why do i feel the need to check it now and again? Because it STILL GETS COMMENTS! I wrote the damn thing over two years ago and its still attracting new readers and a new breed of passionate Gaga geeks. As of last night, the comment count is up to 207. So, to all you crazy Gaga lovers who continue to want my blood, please find this new list for your to stew over:

1. There is no list! I dont hate her - in fact, i'll admit to some of the releases off her new album being quite the funky jam. She still doesnt wear pants but she no longer carries around the stupid tea cup, so there's that. However, what i do hate is ridiculously over passionate celebrity-loving trolls who have nothing better to do than sit behind their computer screens and take every humorous jibe personally. So feel free to continue to comment on the old post - i will get there to read it eventually, and when i have I ( and everybody else ) can sit back and have a laugh at how ridiculously uptight you are.

Thanks for making me smile nutjobs!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Taking It - And Leaving It

We're coming to the pointy end of the year where, aside from all the organisation and chaos of Christmas, we start to ponder what direction we'd like our lives to take in the New Year. What changes we need to make, what roads we need to follow, and what things need to be crossed off our lists. And this time around i'm thinking its not necessarily things that need to be crossed off my list, but people.

Sooooooooooo toxic...

Since " breaking up " with my best friend last year, i've had a lot of thinking to do on the subject of platonic relationships, on the types of people we need to surround us. And after the little mothers group Christmas party we attended yesterday, i've come to the realisation that as much as i wanted great friendships to develop for me within this particular group, they really havent ( aside from one - i'm so happy to have found a great friend for myself, and a great playmate for Flynn ). And i've also realised that if those friendships dont really exist, that if the relationship between myself and another person or people is even kind of toxic.... well, there is no point in continuing with it, is there? There is no point in keeping people around for their numbers, for being able to say " I have this many friends! ", if they arent the kind of friends that make you feel good about yourself, about your life, and your place in the world.

Without going into details, lets just say i felt totally gutted by the whole situation yesterday afternoon. We had our little do in the morning, at which i felt isolated, left out of the clique that seems to have sprung up between other mums , and frusturated that certain kinds behaviour is allowed from some children when i expect better of my own child ( yes, THAT old chestnut ). By mid afternoon i felt a huge knot of frusturation/anger/disappointment/resentment in the pit of my stomach and i hated that. I hated that i felt that way.

And then.... i realised i dont HAVE to feel like that. I can take myself out of the situations that constantly disappoint me, i can cut the interaction with those people down to the absolute bare minimum. I can enrich my life, not through the number of friendships i had hoped to gain, but by not subjecting myself to the toxic "friendships " that i ended up with. I can put my energy ( and my heart ) into the relationships i already have, i can i take the opportunities for new friendship when they come to me, instead of willing for them to happen in the wrong places, with the wrong people. And i can feel contented and enriched by what i do have, and use that to fuel further happiness in my life.

What about you? Do you feel the same compulsion as I did to say you've got a huge number of friends, or have you realised that its quality rather than quantity?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Just A Bit Distracted

Sorry - i know i've been missing in action for a few days but don't fret.... i havent fallen off the face of the planet or anything. No, no, i've just been a bit busy reading a good book or two ( you know, as compared to the tonnes of good blogs i read on a daily basis ). See i finished this on Thursday:
Let me tell you - it was a page turner, one of those bookes you only put down because you know you have to work tomorrow and you cant afford to stay up the whole night reading. Which only means one thing - i started its sequel on Friday:
And i'm about a quarter of the way through. Truth be told as soon as i've published this post the computer is being tossed aside so i can continue reading. I'm probably really late to the Phillipa Gregory bandwagon ( i'd heard so many great reviews for these books, but had never gotten around to picking them up ) but now that i'm on it, i'm going to regret it when i get to the last page....

Have you read the " Cousin's War " series? Or can you recommend anything to me that has kept you particularly engrossed?

Thursday, December 8, 2011

A Quick One

Alright - so i'm a bit tired and i've decided to be a bit lazy, just for tonight. I'm going to make this a quick one. See i came across this picture a few days ago and i just wanted to ask you guys:

Is this where the Biebs is headed?
 Because before seeing this i thought he was fated to go down the road of " androgynous boy singer who ends up looking like a vaguely pretty woman "....

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A New Chapter

A month or two, amidst all posts about my upcoming wedding, i wrote that Mick and I were hoping for a few positive outcomes in regards to some future plans we were laying. We needed a big " yes ".... and i'm happy to say that we got it. That is, we got a big "yes " to a business loan and, from January, we will be the proud new owners of a small business.

We've been amazingly lucky with out opportunity - Mick's current employers had been looking to sell for a while and were having no luck. After a bit of thinking - and knowing that we are a young family looking for a break - they generously proposed that they loan us two-thirds of the cost of buying a part of their business, as long as we could get the rest of the money from the bank. That is, they would lend us their OWN money ( which we will pay back at a reduced rate of compund interest ) because, as they put it, they love Michael like one of their own family, they believe in him, and they wanted to give us an opportunity to provide a better life for our family.

I was gobsmacked at their generosity, and we hoped against hope that we would be able to secure some finance from the bank..... and we did! We are still working out a bit of the logistics but basically, as of January, we will own our own courier business: Mick will be doing pick ups and deliveries to a town about 2 hrs drive away, 5 days a week, and i will do the book keeping and general paperwork of an evening, after i finish at my own job.

We're not stupid - we KNOW it will be a hard slog for the first 6-12 months. My responsibiliities to our business will be on top of my other job, and as Mick will be our only driver he wont be able to take any sick leave or holidays. There are the small ins and outs of a business that we will have to learn, and ways of doing things that work for us. But, in the long run, we know that owning our business is going to afford our family some amazing opportunities, and a more comfortable lifestyle than we can provide now.

It is still a month away, but there is so much we have to organise and begin learning before then. However, i know we are both looking forward to the challenges that will be thrown at us in the next few months - wish us luck!

Monday, December 5, 2011

(Everybody Needs) Good Neighbours

You often hear the "older " generation say that they remember the days where you talked to your neighbours, where you would hang over the fence and have a chat with the people next door, and you didnt hesitate in trusting them to bring in your mail/feed your dog/water your lawn when you went away. Sadly, these days it seems like a lot of people dont even know what they're neighbours look like, let alone know them enough to stop and chat. You might give each other a small wave as you drive past on your way in and out of the street, but thats about it. But, ladies and gentleman, there is a reason we shouldnt trust our neighbours anymore:

Because they might invite you over for a bbq, be great hosts who supply your very thirsty husband with beer after beer and then..... SHAVE HIS HEAD.
What in the fork has he done to his head?!

Oh yes - the horror. Our previously very wonderful neighbours invited us to a bbq on Saturday night, which we had to decline as we were already going out for dinner. No worries,they said- if you feel like it, pop over when you get home. It was 9pm by the time we got back from dinner and Flynn needed to go to bed, so Mick went over by himself, promising he'd be home by midnight.

4:30am he stumbles in and climbs into bed. Because our neighbours still had their back patio lights on there was a little extra light filtering into our room and I thought there was something a little odd about Mick's shadow. I flick on the bedside lamp ... and there he is, head completely shaved save for a 2x8cm mohawk-like patch in the middle. All i could manage in my bleary-eyed state was " You look f**king ridiculous ", before i rolled back over and went back to sleep.

Now this is one close cropped head i'd like to get close to...

As i said to Mick a bit later that morning at a more appropriate wake up time - he's lucky i love him because, man, did he look stupid. I told him he could leave the fluffy mohawk for the rest of the weekend but convinced him there was no way in the world he was going to work looking like that. He's now sporting a fully shaved head, a stupid grin and a proportionately bigger-looking set of ears, whilst my neighbour will never be trusted with my husband again.

( Except if we're invited to their annual New Years bbq, which we will be at with bells on! )

Friday, December 2, 2011

Little Parrots

The mothers out there will understand me when i say that small children make for very good parrots - that is, they have this amazing habit of hearing, and repeating, everything you say ( unless of course what you're saying is " Please pick up your pencils " or " Stop touching the Christmas tree! " ).

Image from here

Flynn is a pretty good talker at the best of times, and though i really love being able to have little conversations with him or being able to understand what he wants, i do wish he'd stop copying all the "naughty " words his Dad is fond of saying. Not that we swear badly around him often - though both of us have had the odd slip up here and there - but Mick is, being a typical country boy, a user of a lot of Australian colloquialisms.... some of which aren't all that appropriate for a 2 yr old. Like, for example, the way many Australians use insults as a term of endearment, especially amonsgt blokes.

So when Flynn pipes up during a playdate yesterday " Daddy say i a bum-hole. Flynn a little bum-hole! " I was kind of mortified, even though amonsgt two grown up men i wouldnt bat an eyelid. Luckily all the other mum could do is laugh at my embarrassment, and tell her daughter ( who is a day older than Flynn ) to shut her ears...

Or at dinner last night when i gave Flynn a prawn to try - he took one little nibble and chucked it back on his plate in disgust, saying " This f**king stupid! ". Umm - no. Just - no. Both of us were a little taken aback at that one and told him f**king is a naughty word and that you can just say the prawn is yucky if you dont want it. Now, we arent in the habit of calling food " f**king stupid " but i'm guessing some little ears may have been listening to Daddy working ( or trying to anyway ) in the garage...

Flynn has also been known to tell people:
" Get off bloody grass! "
" Get away my daughter! " ( Which Poppy said in jest at our recent wedding.... ) and
" Cheers Big Ears! "
Hey, at least the last one gets an appropriate laugh....

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Polly Dolly - In (The) Navy

Thirsday has rolled around again, which means its Polly Dolly time! ( As brough to you by the ever gorgeous Dani over at Danimezza ). This week, Dani must be feeling a little "blue " because she wants to see how Polly wears....
Polly Dolly - In (The) NavyPolly has gone a little retro and matched this cute, striped, 50's style dress with red polka dot wedges. Cats eye sunglasses keep with the retro styling and the gold locket keeps the stripes/dots combo the focus. A bit of red lipgloss, neautral eyes behind the sunnies and layers of her favourite "day" fragrance and Polly is ready for her day!
How would you do navy stripes?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Happy Birthday! my very handsome, kind of crazy, but insanely loveable husband Mick!
Unfortunately its a weekday which means he has to work, but i'm looking forward to having him home tonight and sharing birthday dinner and dessert with him. I'm doing a pork and pear tray bake ( pork rashers and pears in a maple syrup marinade, oven baked ) and a dessert i'm calling a Layered Dessert Brownie ( chopped up brownies layered in a tall glass with raspberries, homemade custard , chocolate sauce and coconut ). There is no birthday cake because, again unfortunately, poor Mick has to work later than normal on his birthday, so we are inviting the family around on Sunday morning to do a belated birthday celebration.

I was also hoping to suprise both my boys by putting up our Christmas tree while Flynn had his nap this afternoon - however, after going out to the shed (in the rain! ) to bring all the Christmas stuff back inside i discovered we are missing half our tree! Methinks my stupid wonderful husband may have accidentally thrown some of it out when he did a clean up earlier this year... bah humbug to that!

Ah well - hopefully my hubby is enjoying his birthday at work as much as he can, and i can do the tree tomorrow while Flynn sleeps. After all, its bad luck to put it up before December 1st anyway, isnt it?

How Much? This Much....

I posted a few pics last week of Flynn getting his giggle on, playing outside under our sprinkler. That seems to be what Aussie kids do - we're a country of water babies, and our kids love play in, and around, water.
Unfortunately this means there is a lot of drowning risks for our little ones too, especially when they're not being properly supervised. We all know about the dangers of swimming at the beach or in backyard pools, but just 15ml is enough for a small child to drown in. Just " this much ", as we might put it.
"This Much " is an apt name , then, for a new campaign aimed at educating Australians about the risk of childhood drowning. About being vigilant not just when at the pool or beach, but when our kids are in the bath or playing with a bucket under the backyard hose. Being able to hear them is not quite good enough - we need to be watching them too.

You can join the campaign - just like celebrity supporters such as David Wenham, Georgie Gardner and Amanda - by checking out the Facebook page or watch the video below and spread the message:

Monday, November 28, 2011

Mothers Helper

I read a very interesting article in this months Madison magazine, about mothers using alcohol as a coping mechanism to make it through the day. It seemed, to the author, that there is a growing number of mums who use the reward of a glass of wine at the end of the day as a way to make through the muck and mire that can be day-to-day child-rearing.

Baby's screaming and the toddler is drawing on the walls? Its ok, i can have a wine soon. No-ones done any homework, dinner is nowhere near ready and 3 kids still need to have a bath? No worries, i can crack open a nice red as soon as they're asleep.

I guess what the question the article was posing is a) when did this become the stressed-out mummy norm? and b) is it really acceptable, and where do we draw the line?

I am not a big drinker at all - yes i got myself merrily sloshed at my recent wedding, and shared a bottle of wine with my new husband a few nights on our honeymoon, but before that the most i'd had to drink in over a year was 3 glasses of wine at my hens party. Despite doing the typical teenage thing and getting drunk at the pub of a weekend ( which i gave up pretty early on - kept up the clubbing, but spent my nights dancing with a can of Coke in my hand ), i've never really understood the compulsion to drink. Maybe its because i'm yet to find a bevvie that just really hits the palate so well that i MUST have it, but i dont "get" the need for a wine/beer/Breezer after a long day. Especially when this need becomes not one glass a few nights a week but 3 or 4 glasses EVERY night.

I dont want you to think i'm passing judgment - unless this compulsion becomes full-blown alcoholism i dont see anything wrong with a tipple or two, i just dont "get " it. Kind of the same way my mum doesnt "get " blogging, or my brother doesnt understand my very real and deep love for " That 70's Show ".

Maybe i'm boring, but my preferred form of escapsim after a stressful day of Flynn-related craziness is to relax with a book, to escape into someone elses life for a half hour or so, and forget about the massive tantrum thats just been thrown or how many dirty nappies i've changed that day.

So is it just me - is a drink after the kids bedtime the best way to relax? Is there something i'm missing?

Friday, November 25, 2011

Coming Up Next

So - you might have heard but if you havent, two of my favourite bloggers are pregnant. The gorgeous Holly from Good Golly Miss Holly! and the beautiful Ames from Tutu Ames are both growing cute little baby-buns in their ovens and i couldnt be happier for them ( its funny how you can feel so happy for people you dont actually "know" ). Hopefully, i'll be next to the join them.

Because, yes - as happy as i am for both these beautiful ladies, i'm also just the teeny, tiniest bit jealous. I wants me another baby, and i want it now! Its no secret, I've mentioned the desire for a second child numerous times here on the blog. Mick and I have been married for 3 weeks tomorrow and , at the risk of being TMI, we started trying the day after the wedding. ( We would have started trying on the wedding night but, truthfully, who has energy left for that kind of thing after the wedding ? ) luck yet.

My fingers are crossed our time will be soon. We've already started talking to Flynn about the possibility of another baby, and though he doesnt really understand, he does tell me " Bruvva mum. Baby bruvva. " Its the cutests thing - i cant wait to see how he'd actually be as a big brother. Fantastic, i'm sure. But, for now, its a wait and see. So whilst i loko forward to hearing all about Holly and Ames adventures in pregnancy, i cant wait to blog again about my own...

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Polly Dolly - Drive Me Crazy

So Thursday - and what have we here? Another Polly Dolly challenge, devised by the gorgeous Dani over at Danimezza. This week, after road testing a new Volvo for the week, Dani has gone a bit car crazy, and wants to know what Polly would wear when she's off for a....

Polly Dolly - Drive Me CrazyPolly is off for a romantic drive with her new husband ( wink, wink, nudge, nudge! ) and she's doing it 70's style. I'm a bit obsessed with leopard print at the moment so i've given her a 70's style maxi dress in a not-too-overwhelming leopard print, and paired with some wedges and a gorgeous pair of over-sized sunnies. A scarf is necessary to stop her hair blowing in the wind whilst they zip along in their (rented, of course... ) luxury convertible, as is the sunscreen. Sunburn is so not chic!

Bring On The Sun!

So the lovely Suger did a post a few days ago about how much she was enjoying the slow ride into summer, and about how when she left Sydney for Queensland she took the sun and the warmth with her. Well, Miss Suger - i want it back!

You cant do this in the cold...

Its only been four days but i am tired of the rain and am longing for the sun we had last week. I want to go the park with my mothers group and let our littlies run around in the sunshine, instead of having to take them to the indoor playground again. I want go be able to wear one of the cute dresses i bought on our honeymoon instead of having to rug up in one of Mick's big hoodies ( yep, it was that chilly today! ). And Flynn has been saying " Outside Mum. I want sprinkler! " for the last four days straight - he's not even 2 yet and already he has the "bug ", that seemingl Aussie knack to be outside and preferably with water during the warmer months.

.... or this! Bring back summer!

So, Suger and/or whoever else may be responsible for taking the sunshine and the warmth and replacing it with a very crappy psuedo-winter - give it back! I need my sunshine and i need it now!

Monday, November 21, 2011

By Any Other Name

I had my first day back at work today after 3 weeks off and do you know what i realised? Holy mackerel there are a lot of places where i'm going to have to change my name! I've already had to email two seperate departments in my organisation and they're happy to change it from my maiden name to married name without a marriage certificate - but for all the other official type stuff ( bank/RTA/Centrelink ) I'll have to wait.

Truth be told, i really dont want to wait, I'm excited about having a new name. Funnily enough , a few of my friends expressed suprise that i was going to change to Micks surname - i've always been a bit of an independent/girl power type of woman ( to the point where i told Mick if he was ever going to  propose he was NOT to ask my father for permission - i'm not an object to be handed off ! ) and they had assumed i would just keep my own name. But, despite my firm belief in having my own identity as a woman, i'd never even thought about NOT changing my name. Why? Changing my name, to me, is another symbol of our unity as a couple. I'm not saying you cant be united with different surnames - if that works for you then great - but for me i couldnt wait to be " Mrs Amy F ", wife of Mick F and, equally importantly .... mother to Flynn F.

I know that there are lots of mums out there who have different names to their offspring - i mean, so did i for the first 22 months of Flynn's life - but changing my name feels like making our little family unit really complete. Not complete in the sense that we wont be adding to it ( fingers crossed! ) but complete in that we're all one and the same now, all bound together for everyone to see.

Sure i may not be overly fussed to share the same name as my FIL ( hell, thats a whole other post .... ) but i'm Mick's wife and i'm Flynn's mum and i'm happy and proud for everyone to so obviously know it!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Polly Dolly - Purple Princess AND Gym Junkie

So - i think we all know that Thursdays around here mean my participation in Polly Dolly, the most awesome fashion challenge ever  ( as set every week by the gorgeous Dani, from Danimezza ). This week, however, there is double the challenge because Dani did a Polly Dolly post on Tuesday aswell as today. So - challenge #1: Dani would like to know how we'd dress Miss Polly in the colour....

Polly Dolly - Purple Princess AND Gym Junkie
I absolutely fell in love with this gorgeous feathered mini! I kept everything else pared down, so the outfit didnt get too overwhelming - a fitted white blouse, purple heels, a sweet Marc Jacobs necklace and colour-matched clutch. Pair a sleek high bun, a soft mauve eye and a spritz of my favourite nighttime fragrance and Polly makes a beautiful purple princess...

Which brings us to challenge #2: after a big night out in her gorgeous purple mini, what would Polly wear to hit the...
If she were anything like me when i was a gym junkie ( i was a 6 days a week girl, but when i got pregnant i had to stop going because i couldnt afford the membership. I miss it! ) she'd wear 3/4 length yoga pants, an exercise tank for ease of movement and a good sports bra. Water and tunes are essential for the treadmill, and her onw yoga mat so she cool down in comfort ( or hit yoga class after her run ). A Powerade to restore the electrolytes and then Polly is ready to hit the showers!


So...Saturday the 5th of November... In the history of days. Yes, i'm happy to say that my wedding went off without a hitch ( ok, the only thing that went even close to wrong is that my guestbook wasnt ready on time, so we didnt have it at the reception. Absolutely not a problem, in the scheme of things... ) and despite my usual ability to put so much expectation on an event that i end up disappointed... i wasnt. I loved it! All of it - the hair and the makeup pampering, the ceremony, the photos and the reception was the best party i've been to in forever.

And i can say with complete honesty, i wasnt nervous. My photography, who is a goood friend of mine, asked halfway through the day if i was starting to get nervous and i said " No, i dont feel nervous, and you know why? Because everything just feels so right. " Hell, even my hair stylist said i was the most relaxed, upbeat, no stress bride she's ever seen and joked that she should invite me back whenever she has to deal with a bridezilla, just so they can see how it is possible to NOT turn into a monster on your wedding day!

I loved every aspect to my day - my hair was absolutely the way i had hoped it would look ( hot rolled into loose curls and then pinned low and to the side a little to make like a messy, romantic bun type thing ); my makeup, which i wasnt totally in love with at the trial, totally came together when we changed the colour of lippie and i felt gooooooooooorgeous; my dress fit perfectly and my shoes were comfy; the ceremony was sweet and romantic and it was ok that i broke into a giggle when i stumbled on the words a bit; the photo session was fun and casual enough that i felt i could be natural and not all posed and fake; and, like i said, the reception totally rocked!

Just for those who were curious ( if any ), we didnt exactly script our own vows. What i did do, however, is read through a lot of examples and take out what i loved from each of them, and cobbled them into one set of vows that would work for us. Which, if your interested, ended up as this:

I call upon the persons here present

to witness that I, Amy take you, Michael
to be my lawful wedded husband.
Michael – all that i am, and all that i have,
i offer to you, in love and in joy.
I promise to be there when you need me,
to fill your days with sunshine,
to comfort you and to encourage you,
and to hold you close to my heart,
long enough to last a lifetime.

We had a cocktail style reception and, i'm glad to say, we didnt run out of food! In fact, we had a tonne left over that we were too full to eat ( but i'd rather have too much than not enough ) plus our wedding cake ( which i looooooooooved! ) and our guests only used up half the bar tab we had allowed, so everyone left satisfied. And, despite the tradition being the bride and groom leave first, Mick and i ended up being the last to leave, just before midnight, because we were having such a good time!

Of course, there will be more wedding photos at some point when theyre done, and maybe a honeymoon rundown, but for now, the only other thing i can say is -!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Introducing The New Mrs F!

Which, of course would be me... i'm back ladies and gentleman, as a married lady and (almost) with a new name. I know i havent posted for a bit over a week but, of course, after the actual wedding day Mick and i flitted off our honeymoon to the Gold Coast, living Flynn at home with Grandma and Poppy.

I will post in more detail shortly, but for now, i thought it might be nice to make my blogging comeback with a brief hello and a sneak peek of our wedding photos ( if your friends with me on Facebook you can see a few more that our photographer has posted ). So for now, i'll head off to fold some more clean washing, you can check out the few littlew piccies and i'll promise a more in depth post tomorrow!

(This one is one of my favourites that i've seen thus far... )

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Polly Dolly - Rock'n'Stroller

Why hello there Thursday - and hi there Polly Dolly! Brought to you by the gorgeous Dani at Danimezza this week is my last Polly Dolly as an unmarried woman ( 2 sleeps to go! ) and Dani would like to know how Polly styles herself when she's out and about with a...

Polly Dolly - Rock'n'StrollerNow, my Flynn is at the point where he thinks he's too big for a stroller - he hates being in there, so more often than not he walks into the shops with me and then he gets popped in a shopping trolley. However, this is what i would wear if we were out and strolling about - i've gone with a  maxi skirt ( i have one very similar only mine is khaki and black stripes... ) and plain tank, and some cute sandals for comfort. A necklace jazzes up the simplicity of the tank, and the sunnies keep me sunsafe. A touch of make up, pack everything else in a cute nappy bag, chuck that in the bottom of the stroller and baby and me are ready to roll!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Final Hurdle


I've had no trouble organising and planning my wedding over the last 9-ish months and now, with only 4 sleeps to go, we've got a potential problem in getting the money for our bar tab organised before Saturday. Four.Sleeps.People. Four sleeps - and it looks like i'm going to lose at least one of them worrying whether things will work out.

To the selfish, lazy, lying butthole ( who will not be named but you can figure it out if you know anything about wedding tradition and bar tabs... ) - pull your bloody finger out, stop making crap up because we dont bloody believe you, and try not let me or Mick down again. I said "try" but i dont think you'll be able to follow through on that one ( you know, as per usual ).

Otherwise you WILL be dealing with one stroppy bride come Saturday evening!

Friday, October 28, 2011

So In Love Its Vomit-Worthy...

With only one week left til my wedding i just wanted to give you guys a little sneaky peek.... not at my dress or anything like that, but at a few photos we had taken last weekend, which will be edited and turned into a guestbook for the reception.

The photographer, a very good friend of mine, said " You guys are so cute, and in love.... it makes me sick! ". Judge for yourselves....

And of me on my ownesome, looking all sultry with my gorgeous booty!
*All images courtesy of SpeakingOneThousandWords Photography, Dubbo, NSW. Please search her on Facebook and like her page because she is all kinds of awesome sauce!

List? Check!

I'm considering becoming a list person.

You know the ones - those highly organised people who make " to do " lists, and then manage to get everything on that list finished? I want to be one of those. If it means i can keep my house tidier and the general unavoidable toddler chaos more confined, then i'm willing to give it a shot.

My list will be a little more boring than this one...

I did try it once, when i was still a young singleton living on my own. I wrote down all the little jobs i wanted to get done that week ( i may even have broken it up into days, which is slightly more anal than it needs to be... ) and then i ticked them off as i got them done. It worked - having it all spelt in black and white on the front of the fridge helped keep me on track. I felt a sense of accomplishment when it was all ticked off, even if it wasn't anything groundbreaking. It was just standard stuff like " Fold clean washing ", " Vacuum carpet ", " Tidy Tupperware cupboard "... but it meant that my house was neater and tidier and, for me, a happier place to be.

So what say you? Are you a list person? I'm considering starting next week and doing one especially for Monday through Friday , so i can get myself and the house ready before the wedding, and so i dont forget to pack all the important stuff to take on the honeymoon!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Polly Dolly - Arty Expression

Thursday has come round again - and quickly, i might add! - which means time again for another Polly Dolly challenge ( as brought to you by the lovely Dani from Danimezza ). This week has been a little tricky for me... i really had no idea where to even start when Dani asked to see what Polly wears when she's being an....
Polly Dolly - Arty ExpressionUsually i have some idea of how i want a Polly Dolly set to look, or at least one particular piece i'd like to start with, and build on. Today? I had nothing! So i decided to go with what i would like to wear if i had more of an "arty " kind of job or lifestyle. So i went with a loose fitting grey dress and added some splashes of red ( my favourite colour, and the one that makes me feel the most confident ). Add some unusual bracelets and a statement ring, and some soft eyes with long lashes. I'd keep a journal and some pencils in my bag at all times so i can write down that poem or sketch out an idea whenever the mood strikes. Still not sure its a typically "arty" outfit but there it is!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sharing Or Comparing?

When should a mum NOT feel proud of her child? When should she keep her mouth closed and not share her childs achievements, for fear of offending other mothers? Is it all in the way we say things, and not so much in what we're actually saying? And should i feel that horrible " mothers guilt " not for the way i parent my child, but the way my childs development makes other mothers feel?

These are all hypotheticals of course - i dont think i've actually said or done anything thats made another mum feel horrible ( at least, not intentionally ). I only ask because i wanted to leave a comment on another blog this morning, but i hesitated before my fingers hit the keyboard. See, this post was in regards to a beauitiful little childs development, all the things they were learning and milestones they had hit and, as another mum, i wanted say " job well done! " and share my experiences. After all, isnt that how conversation starts?

Learning to stop and say " cheese " when he sees a camera. Yep - i'm so proud! ( Even if it is when he's totally naked, running around Poppys backyard ... )

But then i paused - if i mentioned how Flynn was doing, was that me trying to compare our children? Would this other mum take that as me saying " Anything you can do, i can do better ". But then i though i wouldnt feel this way, i wouldnt hesitate, if i was saying " good job - Flynn isnt up to that yet ". No, i was only feeling that mother guilt because, in comparison, Flynn is a little further along the developmental path in one particular area than the other child.

So - should i feel bad that i left that comment? Should i only be proud of my son when his success isnt quite as good as someone else's, so i cant be accused of gloating ? ( Not that anyone has accused me of that, this all in my head thus far... ). Or should we just keep our traps shut when our children do something well, and only mention what we think will make others feel good? And how do we navigate the mothering landscape, learning and sharing and developing, without doing our bloody heads in worrying about what other mums are thinking of us?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Time To Get Back Up On The Wagon

With only 12 days left til my wedding, i've succumbed to my own pressure and gone on another health kick. After having lost 10 kgs earlier this year ( in a pre-wedding blitz ) i know i've lost my way a bit. I'm not eating all the vegies that i know i should be, and i definately didnt drink enough water during the last few months ( although, to be fair, winter and the lack of hot, thirsty days will do that ). For the past 8 and a bit months i've managed to stay within a kilo or two of my goal weight ( the goal i reached after losing those 10 kilos ), and i'm still within that range. Its just that i've noticed the increase in sugar and carbs ( oh how i love thee toast! ) and i need to nip it in the bud.

Pic from here

So - i'm deciding to try and get back on a better health track. Like right now - right.this.very.second - amd fighting the urge to leave my desk, go into the supermarket and buy myself a packet of Maltesers. My body is screaming " Fill me with choc-malty goodness! " but my brain is trying to beat that impulse off with a stick. For one thing, i've only just finished my lunch* , and for another i know that about half an hr after i've eaten the Maltesers i'll be absolutely fanging for more. So i'm just gulping down the water instead, and pretending that chocolate just doesnt exist.

And this time, its not just going to be vanity motivating me either. This time i'm staying on track and maintaining a healthy weight for the good of the unborn baby i hope to be pregnant with shortly. Its no secret that we'd like to expand our family ( in fact, we're hoping to fall pregnant on our honeymoon ... ) and i know that eating a balanced diet and maintaining a healthy body weight before, during AND after the pregnancy will be best for me, future bub, and the rest of my little family...

* Ok, so clearly i didnt just write this - i wrote it at work and emailed it home to myself. Just another way i like to waste time at work....

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Polly Dolly - Beautiful Bridesmaid

So after all the intimate mental health talk around here this week, its time for another Polly Dolly! ( Thanks to the very talented Dani over at Danimezza ). This weeks challenge is pretty fun for me especially - Dani would like to see how we would dress our...

Polly Dolly - Beautiful BridesmaidAnd as regular readers of this blog would know i'm getting married soon - in 16 days as a matter of fact! My younger sister will be my bridesmaid ( i'm only having one, and Mick is having just a best man ). I love my younger sister but she isnt much into fashion, so IRL her dress is a very simple, timeless style that she is comfortable wearing.
However, if i could dress her in something different - and without a budget! - i'd go with this gorgeous blue dress ( its the same colour as what she is wearing IRL ) and some sparkly sky high heels. Some simple jewellery so she doesnt outshine the bride, and a clutch that matches the shoes. Emergency tissues, bobby pins and safety ins are a must. A yellow bouquet in keeping with my colour theme ( and our bouquets IRL will have yellow calla lillies... ) and some bubbles for after the ceremony and we're all set!

No More Stigma - A Mental Health Post, Part 3

See, i kind of, sort of, might have thought i was in love with someone ( In retrospect, now that i have Mick and we have Flynn, i know that it wasn’t ... ). I let myself feel all those happy feelings i hadn’t had, convinced myself that maybe i had found something great, finally. When i told the object of my affection how i felt, he told me he didn’t feel the same way. He thought i was a great girl, and a great friend, but nothing more.

It sent me into a tailspin – and started my second major bout with depression. Within only a few months i was back to the self loathing, the wondering why i wasn’t good enough and thinking i never would be.. Recognising what it was this time i went back to a GP, did the whole mental health questionnaire again, and got a referral to a local psychologist.

Opening up was easier this time – i’d been there, done that. It wasn’t so scary, or so taboo. What was scary was the prospect of what he was asking me to do... to get out in the world, alone. As much as i was used to being alone, being alone at home and hitting the pub on my own were two totally different things. We both agreed that my major problem this time was not so much self confidence, but loneliness – and the only way to alleviate loneliness was to find new friends. Easier said than done, right?

Making friends in Cambodia ( i'm 3rd from right, bottom row )

I decided that there was nothing to be done but give it a shot. With the help of anti-depressants ( again ) i started small – i spoke to people at the gym instead of just a nod and a smile; i went out to the movies or to lunch with my sister, just to get out of the house; i went on a trip to SE Asia and made friends amongst strangers; and strangest, and maybe bravest of all, i started internet dating.

My friends and family thought it was a bit weird, or maybe a crazy/desperate move, but little by little i got my confidence back. I had a few good dates, a few ok dates, and one particular date with the most condescending, materialistic, arrogant man i may have ever met ( blergh! ) I went on an ok date with an ok guy that i just didn’t click with, and then found out he thought i was the bees knees when he sent a friend to my place of work to talk to me a few months later ( kind of creepy.. ).

And then – i met Mick. Online. On a dating website. Our first date, a casual lunch at the pub, went for 5 hrs. We saw each other next day, and a few days after that. And the rest is history! Or, for the short version: dating, pregnant, engaged, baby, family, and getting married in 17 days! I’m blissfully happy, and despite a brief blip when Flynn was 6-8 months old ( which could have seen the onset of another episode but, thanks to intervention, didn’t ) i’ve been “well “ for over 3 years now.

And i hope to stay “ well “ for a long time to come. But i know that that isn’t a given – i have to consciously be aware of my negative emotions when i feel them, and work to keep them in check. And i feel that part of that work is also to tell my story – maybe not to just blurt it out to everyone i meet, but be open and honest when the occasion calls for it. Mental Health Month is one of those occasions. And on this occasion i’m asking you to share to – whether you can share a story, or show support for those who need it...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

No More Stigma - A Mental Health Month Post, Part 2

This is part 2 of my journey through mental illness. If you missed part 1, please go here and then come back!
I went to my dad first. I was terrified that he would think i was being melodramatic or that i was a complete nutcase but he sat, and he listened, and he said maybe i should go and ask a GP. I made an appointment and i did the little checklist survey that the GP's make you do and then i was referred to a free counselling service within the medical centre.

As i was working on the one day that the free counselling service ran i decided to chuck a sickie the day of my first counselling session. At this stage, even though the GP said it was most probably depression, i still didnt really know what was going on, so i was cacking my pants at the thought of telling my employer ( or anyone for that matter ) that i was mentally ill. So i fudged the day off work and went off to see the counsellor. Even though i was nervous i felt immediately comfortable with her - she had this crazy, kicky, curly hair and she asked me questions without making me feel like i was going mad. Basic stuff like why i had been referred on, and how had i been feeling, and what happened when i felt that way. She set me some homework ( cognitive behaviour therapy she called it ) and our appointments became a weekly thing. I still majorly struggled but being able to offload in a secure environment once a week helped.

I was referred to see a visiting pyschiatrist when he came from Sydney every 2 or 3 months. He was a little intimidating and i think i clammed up a little more with him than i did with my counsellor. Regardless, he prescribed anti-depressants ( Levlen, from memory, an SSRI ) to be taken once daily, and continued weekly counselling sessions.

Little by little things became less heavy - my way of thinking started to change, and the fog started to lift. After about a year i discontinued the counselling sessions and started tapering off the meds. I started going out a little more when my friends were home from uni... and found that i actually enjoyed it. My motivation for actually " doing " something with my life started to return and, eventually, i had enough confidence to apply to be an au pair.

Me, in the orange, and some au pair friends at Six Flags theme park in Jackson NJ

I was accepted by a wonderful family in the USA. I spent a year living with them in New Jersey, making friends amongst the other international au pairs, hanging out in New York City on the weekends. I did a weekend trip to Florida to Disneyworld by myself. I took my two week paid holiday in Peru and did something i'd always dreamed of ( trekked four days through the Andes to Machu Picchu ). I even became the " go to girl " for new au pairs, the one the co-ordinator called to take new girls out for coffee, introduce her to the area and the other au pairs. Me, the previously socially anxious outcast!

I returned home in November 2005. For a while i was on a super high - i was back with my friends and family, i found a job and bought my own car. I took road trips to visit my (ex)best friend and went out every weekend with one of my other friends when she moved back to town. I joined the gym and went 5 days a week, relishing the natural high - and natural anti-depressive measure - that it gave me. I looked into becoming a yoga instructor ( but couldnt afford the training at the time ). I became a fan of a few of the early social networking sites like Bolt and Bebo ( ha! ). I made a few online friends, one of whom encouraged me to start blogging. I found it a great way to get my thoughts and feelings - good and bad - out of my system, making sure nothing got bottled up and stuck on the inside. My confidence was at an all time high.

And then - emotions that i'd never previously let myself feel betrayed me....
*Part 3 to be posted tomorrow...

Monday, October 17, 2011

No More Stigma - A Mental Health Month Post, Part 1

So as you may be aware, October is Mental Health Awareness Month here in Australia. There has been alot of talk about it here on the blogosphere, lots of bloggers taking up the challenge and getting posts out there in regards to mental illness, health services and programmes or just telling there own stories.

And it seems like a lot of people out there have stories to tell. I happen to be one of them.

If you're only fairly new to these parts you wouldnt know it - what with my general sunshiney-ness and lack of doom and gloom - but not so long ago i was in the grip of depression and social anxiety disorder. I like to call myself a " former depressive " but, as some of you know all too well, there is no such thing as a 100% , fool proof, "cure " for depression. The threat of another depressive episode is always there, lingering, that bastard black dog always hanging around, waiting to strike.

It started when i was around 14, that age where you've outgrown your childhood but your not quite sure where you fit as a teenager. Most kids have a period there where they sulk and moan and hate everything. For me, that fog didnt lift. And it wasnt that i hated everything or everyone - what i hated was me. I didnt like anything about me, and constantly worried that no-one else did either. I had a fear of being around new people my age - i was fine in the classroom with the peers that i knew, and the anxiety didnt extend so much to adults. It was just this constant nagging worry of other teens thinking i wasnt cool enough, smart enough, pretty enough, whatever. Take your pick. Whatever it was, it prevented me from being so much as able to open my mouth at parties around kids i didnt know and so, eventually, i just stopped going.

I just stayed home with my family, or sat alone in my room, thinking, pondering, worrying, crying, hating. I listened to lots of music, and wrote heaps of emo poetry. Stuff like this:

There is never time more lonely
Then time spent alone.
But there is never time more comfortable
Than time spent on my own.
Can't spend time with others
'Cause i spend too much by myself
They think i'm just a drag now
So they leave me on the shelf.

I wasnt officially diagnosed until i was 18, when i'd finished high school and most of my friends had gone off to uni ( which i didnt do. Depression stole all the motivation i had once had to do " something " with my life ). By that time the panic attacks had set in, that horrible creep of anxiety and fear that culminates in heart pounding, sweating, shaking breathlessness that convinces you that you're about to die. It was at this point that i was able to admit something wasnt right, that these physical manifestations of everything that lie beneath the surface well... they just werent normal. Up until then i just had everyone convinced i was the typical sulky teenager - but not even the most emo of the Emo sulky teenagers had panic attacks. ( Not that i knew what they were called at the time ).

So what did i do? Where did i turn?

* Part 2 to be posted tomorrow....

Friday, October 14, 2011

Lovely Lovely Lipstick

Do you know the theory behind the term " lipstick economy " ? The one about women buying lipstick even when economic times are hard because lipstick is that little luxury that will perk up a womans spirit? Well i've never understood that .... until now.

I've always thought " Lipstick? Whats so crash hot about lipstick? Whats that going to do for my mood ? " - however, in the quest for perfect romantic wedding lips i've found it. THE lipstick - the one that all glamorous women seem to have, that lifts their complexion and brightens their eyes and makes them feel like a million bucks. And mine is called " Beyong Blushing " by L'oreal*.
 Its a soft pink and i think i may be in love with it. I've never been a lipstick girl - i've always loved eye makeup so much more - but maybe because i'd never been shown the right colour. Every time i've ever had to wear lipstick for an event ( like as a bridesmaid, or for my school formal ) i've always felts its been too dark and made me look clownish, even if everyone else said it suited me.

But not now. Now i've got a colour that i feel good in, that i feel sexy and romantic and girly wearing. And i'm going to take it to the make-up artist who's doing my wedding make up and get her to give me perfect wedding lips. She has already done my trial make up this past Wednesday so i know i'm going to get gorgeous wedding eyes ( the lips though i wasnt a fan of - which is what prompted the search for the perfect lippie ). With a trial hair appointment this Saturday all i/we have to do now is put it all together on the day!

What about you? Are you a lipstick girl, and have you found your perfect colour?
* This is not a sponsored post. ( I'm not a big enough or special enough blogger to do sponsored posts! )