I have just written an email to a friend whom i inadvertently offended last night whilst on a self-destructive head trip. I just wanted to briefly post one paragraph of this email, because, as i said to her, i cant fully explain what goes through my head, but i wanted to try:
Next, i'm not going to try and explain the intricacies of whats been running through my mind, little by little, slowly creeping up on me, the last few months, but i will tell you that it sucks. " Dark " periods have been accumulating for a little while now, but it seems like the last month or so ( except when i was on holidays ) they are starting to get pretty regular, and yesterday was my worst day for quite a while. There was a whole little succession of things that just added up to the point where i found myself at work, my head pounding, trying not to spontaneously burst into tears, wondering what it would feel like if i stabbed a screwdriver through my hand. I kid you not - i spent a good 10 minutes imagining myself picking up screwdriver and jamming it into my hand, just because at least then i'd have a valid reason to be in pain. I've actually been questioning lately whether i might be a bit bi-polar, you know, just for a change.
There you have it. Yes, i know, it makes little sense, but i just felt the need to get it out so that i can possibly get more than 3 hours broken sleep tonight....
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