This just in - i am tired of being a victim. Or at least, playing the victim. Feeling the victim. That being said, not much has ever really been done to class me as a " victim ": what i mean is i'm a victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, and i'm tired of it.
I'm tired of having more frequent depressing days, more intense depressing feelings and increasingly frequent depressive episodes.I am tired of having crying jags so bad that i give myself a headache and bruises from where i have pinched myself, just so i would feel some justifable physical pain. I am aware enough to know that most of what makes me feel like that is entirely in my own head, but i am not strong enough to stop it. Not on my own anyway. I am seriously considering getting more professional, therapeutical help. Oh, and medicinal assistance. The last time around it all worked wonders and i believe it would be of great help now.
Dont mistake me, i am not taking this lightly. I've been trying to fight it for almost 8 months now and so far, on my own, i havent been entirely successful. I've made an appointment with a GP for a general check-up for Friday and i intend on discussing it all with them. When i tell her that i'm having more " down " days, that i sometimes have to bite my lip or the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying in inappropriate places, that i havent been able to sleep soundly most nights for the past few months, and that yes, on the odd occasion i have been having suicidal ideations - well, i'm pretty sure she'll at least refer me to a counsellor, especially if i say this a reoccurence. She'd have to, wouldnt she? And i know some of you are sitting there, reading this, and thinking me melodramatic, or that depression is entirely an emotional weakness but i firmly believe that it has a physical cause aswell. Like i said, i'm lucid enough to know that a lot of my thought proceses are based on nothing but how i IMAGINE things to be, yet i feel completely powerless to stop them coming, to stop the crying jags, to stop the pain. If my brain chemistry operated properly, well, that would be half the battle won already.
But enough of that. Today is the day that i am putting my foot down. Meekly perhaps, to start with, but its down okay? there will be days where i will not be able to stop myself from crying, days where i will have an overwhelming feeling of loniless, days where i will want to run away and crawl under a rock somewhere to die - but i resolve to make these days and less. I also resolve to not do it on my own. Why ? Because i am man enough ( human enough ? Obviously i'm not an actual man, that'd be a far bigger problem .... ) to admit that i cant do it by myself. When i feel tired, or lonely or completely distraught i will let someone ( other than my blog ) know about it.
I am going to try and get out of the house more. I'm not sure exactly where i am going to go, or with whom, but i'm going to try. I will be at the gym four times a week, so that has to be at least a start. Soccer season has started again so i will go on a Sunday morning to watch my brother play. I will try and speak to some of the other spectators, even, and especially if i dont know them. If i am invited for a weekend at a friends of a friends place ( which is on the cards ) i will not make an excuse not to go. I will suck up the fact that it is cold and i dont really know them and i will go, and i will be charming and witty and perfectly fabulous, instead of shy.
And lastly, i have a goal now. Something i am passionate about and hoping to work towards. I'm not going to reveal yet what it is, but in time, when things look more promising, i will.
Buenos noches people, it is bed time!
Well, none of this has gone to plan.
10 hours ago