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Dear P,

I have had a horrible week and its only lead into a horrible weekend. I have cried myself to sleep the last three nights and although you cannot change that, I just wanted someone to know. I think this is the point entirely - I want some to know me, to be able to share intimately and, although you are clearly not this person, as my best friend telling you is probably a good start. I am your best friend right ( aside from your husband of course ) ? Because you have not answered the last three text messages i have sent in the last week or so; the only reason i knew you were in town last week was because i saw you walk past my store in the pouring rain; the other two knew ahead of time. Perhaps i am being needy. Insecure. Paranoid.

You know that Newton Faulkner song?
" I need something to believe in/
Cos i dont believe in myself.
Scared of failure/
So scared of success/
Guess it will all work out "

You know that song ? Thats me. I dont know what i'm doing anymore - not that i ever did. A couple of months back i thought i did and i was so excited, i thought i'd finally figured it out. Wasnt it all so simple ? Nope. No it hasnt been simple, and its not so easy, and nothing has happened. Nothig has changed, at least not for the better, and here i am , still stuck. And i despair at it. I'm so desperately, desperately lonely and feel i have no control at all. You know what my pyschologist said ? Go out, just start talking to someone new. How about i invite some old school friends for dinner ? Surely that would have me out and about, socialising. Wasnt he listening when i said how utterly afraid of that i am? How i cannot just go out and start talking to new people, all on my own? It is that viscious circle - I cannot go out on my own, alone, to meet new people. The prospect of propping myself up at a bar without a single soul for support is terrifying ( and probably, in some situations, not so safe ); yet i cannot find new friends if i sit at home and cry all the time. Crying silently into your pillow is not some kind of siren song with which to lure new friends to my door. It doesnt work like that. So what am i to do? Same as always - smile, laugh, fake happiness when my parents ask about my day, and shrink beneath my sheets in the dark.

I spent Friday night at home, with my parents, watching a rugby league game on tv. If i were a normal 24 year old i would have been out drinking wine with my girlfriends, or seeing a movie with a cute date. But i wasnt. I was balled up on the lounge, hugging a pillow in a desperate attempt not to burst into tears. How utterly pathetic. I spent Saturday night sitting up til midnight with a 3 year child that isnt mine, keeping her company and drying her tears until her mother came to pick her up, all the while only just keeping my own tears at bay. If i am going to sit up half the night with an upset child, I wish it could be one of my own. But that prospect is not available to a 24 year old woman with no husband, fiance, boyfriend or even potential date in sight. A 24 year old woman without a man by her side would be out on the town on a Saturday night, in a cute little dress and gorgeous high heels. I have the dresses and the heels, but no occasion to where them. No friends to invite me to a party or out for a drink. Hell, i went to the movies on my own today because I have no friends to invite along. At least i was out of the house i suppose.

" Scared of failure/
So scared of success /
Guess it will all work out ".

But it hasnt yet. I had that brilliant idea of finding a new job and moving to the coast but it hasnt just all worked out. I have applied for at least 50 jobs, and have heard back in regards to two of them. I keep searching for new positions, and i check the real estate websites so i have some idea of what kind of rent i could afford in these areas - but nothing has come from it. It is to the point now, after only 2 months, where I am scared of never finding a job somewhere else and being stuck in here in my parents house, alone and unloved, until either they, or I, die. But equally I am scared of success, of scoring an interview and getting a fantastic new job. It means moving away from the only support units i have, of finding my own way for a while - and what if it all falls apart from there? What if the success of finding a job turns into the failure of not doing it well, of falling apart, again, on my own ? Then i would only have to skulk back home, tail between my legs, head in my hands, a real loser. Maybe it isnt worth trying.

But i should be taking risks right ? Nothing comes from simply wishing, I need to be proactive. I need to take control. So i'm going to start small. For the next month i will diet. I will only eat nutritous foods and not give in to cravings for " bad " foods. I will only treat myself once a week ( whether it be chocolate, or cake, or a hamburger... ). I will go to the gym at least four times i week. I know i can push myself there, I can control what happens. And, for the next month, i will spend no unnecessary money on myself. I will not buy new clothes or music or dvds. I will save money and draw strength from knowing i can control my spending. These three things i CAN control - they arent dependant on what others may be thinking of me, or how terrible and lonely i feel. I'll concentrate on these and focus my worries and fears and despairs on these. Take my mind off things i cant control and dont have.

Does this make sense ? I know it cant possibly be easy having an insecure paranoid for a best friend. I'm suprised you havent gotten ridden of me yet. Come to think of it - whats wrong with you ?

If i had guts enough i might send this to you,
Much love,

Amy xxoo

Getting real, as dictated by me

This just in - i am tired of being a victim. Or at least, playing the victim. Feeling the victim. That being said, not much has ever really been done to class me as a " victim ": what i mean is i'm a victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, and i'm tired of it.

I'm tired of having more frequent depressing days, more intense depressing feelings and increasingly frequent depressive episodes.I am tired of having crying jags so bad that i give myself a headache and bruises from where i have pinched myself, just so i would feel some justifable physical pain. I am aware enough to know that most of what makes me feel like that is entirely in my own head, but i am not strong enough to stop it. Not on my own anyway. I am seriously considering getting more professional, therapeutical help. Oh, and medicinal assistance. The last time around it all worked wonders and i believe it would be of great help now.

Dont mistake me, i am not taking this lightly. I've been trying to fight it for almost 8 months now and so far, on my own, i havent been entirely successful. I've made an appointment with a GP for a general check-up for Friday and i intend on discussing it all with them. When i tell her that i'm having more " down " days, that i sometimes have to bite my lip or the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying in inappropriate places, that i havent been able to sleep soundly most nights for the past few months, and that yes, on the odd occasion i have been having suicidal ideations - well, i'm pretty sure she'll at least refer me to a counsellor, especially if i say this a reoccurence. She'd have to, wouldnt she? And i know some of you are sitting there, reading this, and thinking me melodramatic, or that depression is entirely an emotional weakness but i firmly believe that it has a physical cause aswell. Like i said, i'm lucid enough to know that a lot of my thought proceses are based on nothing but how i IMAGINE things to be, yet i feel completely powerless to stop them coming, to stop the crying jags, to stop the pain. If my brain chemistry operated properly, well, that would be half the battle won already.

But enough of that. Today is the day that i am putting my foot down. Meekly perhaps, to start with, but its down okay? there will be days where i will not be able to stop myself from crying, days where i will have an overwhelming feeling of loniless, days where i will want to run away and crawl under a rock somewhere to die - but i resolve to make these days and less. I also resolve to not do it on my own. Why ? Because i am man enough ( human enough ? Obviously i'm not an actual man, that'd be a far bigger problem .... ) to admit that i cant do it by myself. When i feel tired, or lonely or completely distraught i will let someone ( other than my blog ) know about it.

I am going to try and get out of the house more. I'm not sure exactly where i am going to go, or with whom, but i'm going to try. I will be at the gym four times a week, so that has to be at least a start. Soccer season has started again so i will go on a Sunday morning to watch my brother play. I will try and speak to some of the other spectators, even, and especially if i dont know them. If i am invited for a weekend at a friends of a friends place ( which is on the cards ) i will not make an excuse not to go. I will suck up the fact that it is cold and i dont really know them and i will go, and i will be charming and witty and perfectly fabulous, instead of shy.

And lastly, i have a goal now. Something i am passionate about and hoping to work towards. I'm not going to reveal yet what it is, but in time, when things look more promising, i will.

Buenos noches people, it is bed time!

Please go away, you're doing my head in

My house has been taken over by teenagers. My sister has invited her boyfriend, her best friend, and her best friend's boyfriend over for the evening. They are slightly annoying. But, more than that, they are depressing.

I am doing everything in my power not to cry. I have bit my lip so hard it has started to bleed. The last thing i want when i come home is to be reminded, so obviously, of what i dont have.

I'm thinking of packing it all in and going to bed. And i would to if it weren't only 8.45pm. Somehow going to bed at such an early hour would make me feel even more of a loser....

Falling Slowly

Being that it is the Easter long weekend and i have nothing much to do and nobody much to do it with, i have been spending some quality time with my old friend - film. I think most of the people i know under-estimate how big of a fan of film i am but thats a whole other post. My reason for posting tonight is to beg you all to see a small film called " Once ". Its Irish, and is based around an Irish busker meeting a Czech immigrant who also loves music. Its a gorgeous film but its more than the story : for me it was the music. I had heard the Oscar winning song from the film, " Falling Slowly ", performed on the Academy Awards telecast but having now seen the movie i have absolutely fallen in love with it. I suppose it is slightly a double entendre - " Falling Slowly " as meant in the film is referring to love. But i'm going to post the lyrics from the second half of the song, which have had me crying for almost 2 hours now:

"Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now "

This may be a song that i fixate on for a while to come....

http://www.filestube.com/3ef2165a5c8f1f1303ea/details.html

Am I selfish ?

Sometimes i sit alone, in the dark, and just think. Or cry. And not like at night, in bed, trying to sleep - i sit in the hallway, the lights still on in the living room, sound from the TV, and just pretend like i'm not there. No-one's there. Thats what it feels like - sometimes i am so utterly lonely that it seems like no-one else in the world exists. That not even i exist. And then i berate myself for being so stupid. I have family and friends who love me, adore me, cherish me.

But sometimes thats not enough.

Can anyone hear me ?

I live alone. For the most part this is a good thing - i enjoy my space, my freedom, my independence - but just lately its been lonely. I dont know why. Nothing much in my life has changed, there has been no major drama that has pushed me to any brink or anything just... i get lonely.

I get up in the morning. I check my emails while i eat my breakfast, and if i have no new mail, no new messages on Facebook or Bebo, most of the time its okay but sometimes i wonder if people have forgotten me. But no matter. I suck it up, take a shower, pad around my house half naked while i iron my clothes, wash the dishes, do my hair; i can do that because i live alone, its a luxury to not have to get completely dressed until i need to walk out the door. I go off to work and, for the most part, enjoy my day. My work is not hard and i have plenty of human interaction. I love the woman i work most with - i'm kind of, sort of, not officially her boss and she is older than me, but we sometimes end up carrying on like fools by the end of the day.

I finish work at 5:30pm and most days i come straight home. Sometimes i drop into my parents house, or my brothers, usually with some excuse for having to go there but sometimes its just because i want to see someone. The days i do come straight home, i come in, slip off my shoes, get changed and turn on the tv. Always straight onto the same channel - i like to listen to the news while i potter around. I check emails again, tidy up, read a magazine, maybe put on a load of washing. I feed my fish - i started out with four, named after The Beatles, but unfortunately John Lennon was cannibalised by the other three ( almost true to real life ). They are the only pets i am allowed to have in my rental property so thusly my only company. I make my own dinner. I dont really cook as such, not like a chef or a mother - i cook some meat, sometimes vegetables, sometimes rice, on the odd occasion pasta, and throw all together with some packet or jar of sauce. Its cheating, but it keeps me alive. I like to save proper cooking for when people come over - those occasions are not very often. I eat my dinner in front of the TV - i watch The Simpsons, then Neighbours, then Futurama, in that order, almost everyday. I interact with the characters; i get excited when i watch competitive reality programs like So You Think You Can Dance; in my mind its like i know these people. I begin to wind down for the night. I usually get on the net again, see if anyone is on MSN. If they arent, i consider packing it all in and going to bed early but i usually dont. I waste time surfing the net, hoping to find something to alleviate what i usually prefer to identify as boredom.

The clock hits 10:30pm, or thereabouts and i figure i best get some sleep. I turn off the computer, turn out the light in the fish tank, lock the front door, check the back. I go to my bedroom and take off my jewellery. I have a jewellery box but nothing ever goes in there, it just gets laid out on my bedside table. I backtrack to my bathroom. I comb my hair, brush my teeth, clean my face with specially formulated Neutrogena. I stare at myself in the mirror, usually okay with what i see but sometimes i pick out every flaw. Pimple there, too many freckles, my eyebrows need waxing. I pad back down the hallway to my bedroom, my mind already ticking over. I get undressed, poke at the layer of podgy fat that lies over what would be a perfectly flat, toned stomach if i bothered with cardio. I put on pyjamas, set my alarm and turn on the radio. I cant sleep without music on, some kind of background noise, and it comforts me to hear other people talking. The radio stays on all night. I climb into bed, cover myself in sheets, blankets, quilts, depending on the weather.

And thats when it hits me. I'm alone. And lonely. There is no-one there to say " goodnight, sleep tight " to. There is no-one to snuggle into the pillows with, to spoon with, to sleep with. There is no-one who's presence will reassure me when i wake up at 2am after a disturbing dream. There is no-one who will stroke my hair, or my cheek, when they wake at 3am and want some reassuring themselves. And there will be no-one there in the morning when i wake up.

So i just lie there, alone, in the dark, lonely as ever, either trying to hold back the tears or squeezing my eyes shut, desperatly trying to get to sleep so i wont notice the empty space on the other side of my bed.