So - yesterday would have been my brother Eli's 21st birthday. We had some birthday drinks and a cake for him. My neice H insisted on singing " Happy Birthday ", which kind of made my mum tear up a bit. Thats me and him, right there.
Just imagine - the child in that photo with me would have been 21 yesterday, had he lived past the age he is in that photo. You'll forgive me if this is kind of morbid, but my head spins thinking what my life would have been like if Eli was still around. First of all, my sister wouldnt exist, at least not in the capacity she does now. My sister was born 10 months after my brothers death ( draw your own conclusion there... ) so maybe she would never have been born at all. Secondly, i'd have two brothers - Good Lord Almighty, one has been enough! What if i was the only girl in the house ? I suppose i would have been a way better wrestler if i'd grown up with two brothers. I mean i totally kick arse now, but imagine if i'd had to beat two instead of one? Oh, and i probably wouldnt have half the emotional issues i have now - the beginning of my childhood wouldnt have been as melancholy, thats for sure.
Surely i'm not the only one who ponders these hypotheticals. Of course, there are those people who prefer to say " But it happened, so why bother with the " what ifs " ? Well, i like to bother with the what ifs because its fun. Maybe not when your ponderings deaths, or divorces or dramas... but what about the small stuff, the stuff that seemed somewhat trivial at the time? The what ifs on those ones are good for daydreaming about on lazy Sundays - or, in my case, filling the space between thinking your tired and actually getting to sleep ( Insomniatic Musings, remember ? yes, it actually means something ). Take these for example ( bearing in mind that each situation is considered seperately to the next )......
What if i had gone to the class for gifted children ?
First off, Lauren i would probably still be best friends. I'd also have been better friends with some of the other girls who were in that class and, like them, i'd probably constantly travelling the world. I dont know how they do it, but 3 of the 4 girls who came to my high school out of that gifted class are ALWAYS overseas ( i know, because i stalk their Facebook pages ).
What if my best friend P had never moved to town?
Wow..... weird. I mean, the girl did totally snob me on her first day at my school so i dont even know why i'm friends with her anyway ( its cos i lubs her ). But if she'd never arrived in Year 8, I would probably be best friends with a girl named V. We would have probably moved to Sydney together, where she is now a nurse and i would be working in film.Yes, i dreamt of that once.... i could have been the female Australian version of Tim Burton.
What if i hadnt been to nervous to perform on stage with my Year 11 Drama class ?
I would have moved to Sydney after high school to attend NIDA ( The National Institute of Dramatic Arts ) and, consequently, I would be winning this years Oscar for my brilliant performance in some biopic, co-starring the ever talented and totally gorgeous Emile Hirsch - who i would also be engaged to ( we fell in love on set ). I'd be wearing a fabulous Zac Posen dress, Louboutins and some kind of Bvlgari jewellery. Oh hell yes. Ok, thats not me, thats Jennifer Garner - but i would totally rock a Zac Posen!
What if I had agreed to stay the second year as an au pair ?
Its an absolute given that i would have got up the courage to ask out my crush - which means, of course, that i would now be married to Roberto the Chilean Deli Guy. We had have a handful of sweet, perfectly gorgeous, dark-haired Chilean-Australian babies. I would also be fat from all the chicken salad sandwiches i would have consumed. ( Towne Deli, Summit, NJ - go there, order chicken salad on a Portugese roll. )
What if i had been more passionate about my Year 12 Textiles class project ?
I would be taking part in this years season of " Project Runway- Australia " which i would of course, win. My designs would then be seen on every starlet in Sydney and Melbourne, where i on they would be noticed by Paris Hilton on her next trip to Australia to attend some random New Years Eve party ( for which she was paid a ridiculous amount of money ). Though i wouldnt be entirely pleased because Paris is a skank and my clothes are ( obviously ) not skanky, she would launch me in LA - from their, a runway show at New York Fashion week using ANTM contestants. Picture it .... ( please refer to the Zac Posen dress above for inspiration ).
Oh yes, check it boys and girls - I have totally brought the pop culture references to the table for this post!