For those of you have been paying attention the past few weeks, this past Saturday was my 27th birthday. I had big plans to go to the zoo with Mick and Flynn but the stinking hot weather put an end to that ( too hot for us, and too hot for the animals to even bother coming out of their shade or shelters ). No matter – i thought my boys could take me to lunch, and then i could have birthday cake with my family. All good.
But it wasn’t – it wasn’t all good at all. My mind, and my heart, wouldn’t let it be. I wanted so much to really enjoy my birthday, to enjoy the time with my family, but i just couldn’t. Somewhere in the back of my mind, in the depths of my heart....there she was. There it was – the shadow of my lost friendship, hanging like a black cloud over everything. Even though i was surrounded by family, i felt like something ( or someone ) was missing. The first birthday with no “ happy birthday! “ text, no card, no shared cake. And even though i had loving family around me i felt strangely, mind-numbingly, alone.
I had lunch with Mick ( Flynns teeth were playing up and i didn’t fancy having a squirmy, sooky toddler with me at the restaurant), then we had birthday cake at home, an d then i went for dinner at my parents ( which i didn’t eat, because i didn’t feel hungry ). The first chance i got i snuck off and sobbed my heart out, the kind of sobbing that makes you dry heave and makes your head ache. My dad came and found me and i poured my heart out to him – he’s always really good with advice and gave me a few words of wisdom, and confirmed that i am NOT, in fact, a horrible person. So i swallowed my tears and went down to the loungeroom to watch “ Toy Story 3 “.
And thats my birthday – drowned in a sea of lonliness and bitterness and hurt, and seemingly controlled by someone who wasn’t even there. Bring on my 28th!
I am so sorry that your birthday was not as it should be, you deserve more Amy and I hope that you are able to find a friend that will replace the void that you are feeling now, and if not a replacement someone who makes you feel equally as happy.
ReplyDeleteAh, my FLL! I'm so sorry you've been this hurt by the loss of your friendship with her. It sucks!
ReplyDeleteYears later and I still balk at the ache in my heart when I think of an old friend I no longer have in my life.
The only consolation I can offer is that these things happen for a reason. And even though it might not make sense right now, I promise you that you'll be better off for it one day. Or so the hippies say ;)
xxx
Happy Belated Birthday. Sorry to hear it wasn't everything you wanted it to be. My first birthday after the break up of my first friendship pretty much sucked too. She decided to send me an e-mail that day telling me she thought I was a crappy mother. Nice, huh?
ReplyDeleteIt gets easier though. Trust me!
Happy Belated Birthday. Sorry to hear it wasn't everything you wanted it to be. My first birthday after the break up of my first friendship pretty much sucked too. She decided to send me an e-mail that day telling me she thought I was a crappy mother. Nice, huh?
ReplyDeleteIt gets easier though. Trust me!
Oh Amy, sorry your birthday wasn't how you wanted it to be. A friendship breakup is so hard and it's effects can last such a long time. I promise you that it will get easier, slowly but surely. You'll probably always have a little pang when you think of her and especially on all of the firsts of her not being there but it will ease xo
ReplyDeleteAmy sorry to hear that the weather didn't play the game for you :(
ReplyDeleteIt takes along time to stop hurting when a close friendship ends so don't beat yourself up that you let it bother you on your birthday. You probably don't want to hear this but 7 whole years after the bust up of a friendship it still affects me to a certain degree. I am slowly learning that the walls I have put up may protect me but they also block any chance of new BETTER friendships.
BTW I don't think you are a bad person xx