Monday, January 10, 2011

Step 1: Find. Step 2: Lose

So i've been doing a lot of thinking over the past week or so, and i think i've come to a realisation of sorts : i've lost myself. Or at least part of myself, a big defining part, and i think its holding me back. I know a lot of women say they lose themselves after becoming a mother, but thats not what i mean - on the contrary, i believe becoming a mum has added to what i define as "me". What i'm talking about is since my best friend "dumped " me, so many things that i thought i knew about myself, definable truths, have been completely shattered, to the point where i've lost something really important.

If i can no longer say " My name is Amy, i'm an Aquarian and my best friends name is Blahdy Blah " then what can i say about myself ? For 10 years that was one confirmed, absolute truth, one thing i never had to question, and it held me stable when other shit got me down. And now? Its not a truth anymore and so much of what i invested in that relatinship seems like it was a facade ( on her side at least... ) that now i'm questioning so much more. I've lost a whole lot of self-confidence because i've been questioning myself so much, and i think that lost of self-esteem has really attributed to my slight weight gain and inability to lose any significant amount of weight. I've lost my "mojo "....for a while there i had the confidence to believe in myself and know that if i put my mind to something, i could do it.

I need to find that again - i need to find that will power and drive that saw me exercising 6 days a week, going out weekends and getting dressed knowing i looked good baby! I know that if i can find that again, i can push myself to be consistent and lose the 10kgs i've promised myself will be gone by November 5th. I'm not sure how i'm going to get it back when someone whom i thought was one of my biggest supporters no longer wants to associate with me, but somehow i'll find a way. There are enough people - good people - in my corner that i'm sure it will be no time before i'm on top of the world again soon enough! And now that i've figured out that i have to find what i've lost in order to lose something else, i can move forward with a goal in mind....


  1. It totally sucks but I know that you will get through it and become a way stronger person for it. I know that doesn't help but try to be strong and remember that there are people out here who are proud to be your friend xx

    Good luck with finding your mojo..I think you are going about it really well and trying to fix the problem rather then masking it.

  2. Finding yourself after the dissolution of such an important friendship is so hard. When friendship with my (ex)best friend, dissolved, I had to find out how to be just Chantel, because for so long I was Chantel and Friend. We were joined at the hip, even after I had a baby and we both had developed relationships that would eventually lead us to marriage. We were constantly together. I eventually found myself though, but sometimes, I still miss her.