It started Saturday morning - Mick had to go into work for a while first thing, and ended coming home an hour later than what he had told me. I sat waiting, Flynn alternately playing and whinging that he wanted to get up on my lap, feeling lonely and rejected.
I put on my best happy face so we could go and do the grocery shopping, hoping that if i just acted happy enough i would get myself out of my funk.
We dropped Flynn to my parents so they we could go on the "date afternoon " that i had been looking forward to for a month. We saw the final Harry Potter movie ( which was entirely awesome, by the way ) and then went home to get changed to go out for dinner. It took me a long time to find outfit that made me feel as sexy as i wanted to feel - in the end i went for something that made me look relatively svelte, though i still didnt have that feeling i wanted so badly to feel.
We at a relatively nice resturant, although their dinner menu was very limited. I order pork belly, hoping it would be a great meal and a change from what i can cook at home. Hoping for something special to match the expectations i had of the night. What i got was two pieces of salty pork and some oily lettuce.
We went home, where i wanted so badly to crawl into bed together, to be intimate, physically and emotionally, to talk and laugh and touch each other without the distraction of a child. Mick wanted to watch a Steven Seagal movie, so i went to bed by myself at 8:45pm .
I woke Sunday in my mood hadnt lifted - it had gotten worse. I had wanted so much from our date night... a break from the demands of mother hood, yes, but also a reconnection with each other that i felt had been missing the last month or so. Preparing for a wedding, and having work stress, and still pining for a friendship that is no more has stolen my focus, and i know that i've been retreating into my thoughts more often that is healthy, and neglecting Mick just a little. ( I dont think he feels that way, thats just how i perceive my own behaviour ). And i dint get anything i wanted, not even a nice meal. I felt completely shattered and utterly exhausted by everything. I couldnt stop the tears rolling slowly down my cheeks while i cooked breakfast, or tried to focus enough to read the Sunday papers. And when we went around to my parents to pick Flynn up and my sister told me to stop whinging ( about my bad night ), i'd had the night off while she played with my son... that was it.
That was enough right there. I froze with my arm reaching up to get a glass out of the cupboard, shut the cupboard door and then walked out of the room, out the front door, hid around the side of the house behind some bushes and burst into tears. There was no denying it this time - those tears and frusturations were coming out, no matter what. My dad found me and told me to come back when i was ready to talk... which was only a half hour later. I waited til Mick took Flynn up to the supermarket and i drove slowly back to my parents house, where they sat with me on the lounge and listened as i poured every.single.worry out, let all the shitty words and hurts and frusturations stream out of me. And my mum hugged me and my dad squeezed my hand and they told me how they had the same worries as a young family, and how they could help me now.
All i can say is thank fuck for parents. The AMAZING parents i have, who support me and hold me up and love me when it seems like there is hardly anyone else who will ( excepting Mick and Flynn, the loves of my life ). Thank the Universe for parents like mine - i feel so much better for being to offload, and so much better for knowing their love...