Sadly, i've spent the majority of the past weekend in a funk, at one minute on the verge of tears and at the next finding myself easily irritated by the smallest of things. I pity poor Mick - i would have been no fun to be around.
And, yet, i find i still cant talk about " it ", whatever it is. The " it " that is the anxious, bitter feeling of emptiness, of not feeling " good enough ", of being worried about the little things that are out of my control. The " it " that is determined to bring me undone, the subtle creep of depression.Lets face it - i know these feelings for what they are, and what they are are the precursors to a depressive episode. You dont come out the other side of depression without knowing what it feels like to slip under its murky darkness...
But i wont let myself this time. I know what triggered the feelings, and i know that situation is so much beyond my realm of control that its not even worth dwelling on. Yet i do - and all that worry, and jealousy, and sadness spreads into other thoughts until it blankets everything i think and feel. And so, because i know that, because i FEEL that ( while i'm still able to feel anything other emptiness ), i'm going to swim against that tide for all i'm worth.
And if that means i have to talk about " it " to Mick than thats what i'll do. If it means i have to cry and sob and shake and smear myself with snot in front of him, if means baring the weakest parts of me, if it means letting the usual happy/funny/strong facade slip a little - if thats what it takes to escape the darkness this time, than thats what i'll do. It may be all i can do...
Hugs - I hope you can talk about IT to someone. keep thinking positive Amy and you'll do well.
ReplyDeleteBe well Amy - do whatever it takes, you are stronger than you think. xx
ReplyDeleteTalking about "it" will no doubt take courage. Hope you find that courage so that you don't slip into that dark place again.
ReplyDeleteDeep breath Amy. I know how this feels and it's a horrid place to be. You can do this lovely, just do what you need to do to fight it off x
ReplyDeleteI hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for you soon gorgeous x
ReplyDeleteGood on you for recognising the signs, keep talking and try to remember that you are worth it!I can totally relate... Sometimes we are our biggest obstacle when it comes to our own happiness xx
ReplyDeleteHope you find what works for you. If you've been there before, maybe you've got a handle on the situation...?
ReplyDeleteI myself rely upon 10mg of pharmaceutical mood enhancer first thing; decaff latte mid morning, a walk with the dog sometime in the afternoon, cup of tea at 4pm. Small block of 70% chocolate anytime in the late afternoon when domestic chaos demands a sugar boost. Glass of Chenin Blanc with dinner. Early to bed. I see no reason to differentiate between the various substances I avail myself of - whatever gets you over the hump! We mothers are pivotal people. Look after yourself.