Am I selfish ?

Sometimes i sit alone, in the dark, and just think. Or cry. And not like at night, in bed, trying to sleep - i sit in the hallway, the lights still on in the living room, sound from the TV, and just pretend like i'm not there. No-one's there. Thats what it feels like - sometimes i am so utterly lonely that it seems like no-one else in the world exists. That not even i exist. And then i berate myself for being so stupid. I have family and friends who love me, adore me, cherish me.

But sometimes thats not enough.

Late night conversations

I'm not talking about random pub conversations, or those deep and meaningfuls you have with your friends at 2am over a bottle of wine, i'm talking about those imagined conversations, the ones you have in your head when your trying to go to sleep. The ones you want to have with people; the ones you know you have to have; and the ones you wish you'd had, but you never had the chance and/or intestinal fortitude. I had three of these last night, alone in my bed, crying over this empty, lonely feeling that kept me from sleep.

Conversation #1: You are selfish. Both of you. Your as bad as each other, and the truely terrible thing is that neither of you see it or, at the very least, wont acknowledge it. I know crazy people dont like to be told that they're crazy but its the truth - you have a problem, and its really starting to grate on peoples nerves. I dont think there is one complimentary thing i can say to, or about, either of you. You wonder why i dont come to visit ? Why none of us do ? Because i cant stand the self absorption, the bickering, the criticism, the thinly veiled insults that you apparently make in jest. Five minutes in your company either bores me to tears or shits me no end. I end up leaving you feeling either a sort of sympathy at how utterly sad you have become, or completely enraged at something you have said, or failed to say. And i'm not alone - its everyone. All of us. Strand by strand you are slowly unravelling what little relationship we already had. And thats the thing - its not like you, or I , am throwing away something precious. You have never fostered a deep, loving relationship, so i dont know why all of a sudden your noses are out of joint. I'm grown now - i make my own decisions and have my own opinions. I am not influenced by any one other person, however much one of you in particular wants to point the finger. Neither is anybody else. Its not us; its you. Its you.

Conversation #2 : I want to say sorry. You know why ? Because i screwed up.I made a mistake and the only thing i am grateful for is that i DID make it, and that i live and learn from it. I didnt love you - i think i was in love with the notion of being in love with you, and the idea that maybe, just maybe, someone could possibly, potentially, be in love with me. And i confused those two things. You were ( hopefully still are ) a good friend, the best person i had come across in a long, long time. Its partially because of you that i have opened up so much - my life is much different now because of your subtle influence. You encouraged me to embrace other people, jump into the random conversations, to not be so pre-occupied with what others will think of me.I felt like we were mentally on par - i never had to dumb things down for you, and i never felt bad for speaking my mind or being intelligent and forthright. On the odd occasion i did feel slightly overwhelmed by your intellect, your frankness, your passion for the things you believed in, but never intimidated. You were, and are, entirely different from any man i have ever met. And i think i was in love with all that - the idea of what you were and not necessarily WHO you were. Or who you could be. I see now what you meant when you said you werent who i thought you were, although i'm still not so sure yours was an entirely fair assessment. That, however, is another conversation in and of itself. This one is intended for one purpose only - to say sorry. My sincerest apologies. I miss you.

Conversation #3: You really, really hurt me. And i pretended like you didnt. I didnt have to pretend, but i did, because it was easier to turn my back and make like it was all in the wind. Gone and forgotten, out of sight, out of mind. But i loved you, whole-heartedly, a deep unconditional love that small children have, unquestioningly. Apparently, you forgot that, you forgot me, and suddenly I had a whole tonne of questions and very few answers. The answers i did get were unreliable and unsatisfactory at best. So i turned the other cheek and took another path, one that was missing a great big chunk, or rather small chunks in significant places, little potholes on the road of adolescence. I would have liked you there for my birthdays; my grand finals; my graduations. For Christmases and Easters and random family barbecues. But you hurt me, hurt a few of us, but me most of all, even though i wouldnt admit to it, and you were mentally uninvited to these milestones. I'm here to tell you that you missed out. I'm a good person, i developed that way, and you missed it. You might be able to see it now, now that i've opened that window of opportunity a smidge, but you missed it in the process. At one time, you were almost my whole world, and now you have so much history to learn, evolutionary steps to make. But no matter how far we've come, how far yet to go, things will never be the same.

Where in the world is Amy Wells ?

Well, well, well.... i find myself with a little free, " alone " time this afternoon here in Saigon and i figure its as good a time as any to mkae a quick blog. I had these grand illusions ( or should i say delusions ? ) of being pretty thorough with my blogging while i'm away but to be quite honest by the time you're done with the days activities, maybe showered, freshened up and gone out for dinner, well.... i'm stuffed. Completely friggin' cactus - i feel like nothing more than going to sleep. Not that its a bad thing at all - its been really awesome the past 10 days, always having something to do ( except when we've been on sleeper trains - as i've mentioned before, they kind of suck ).

So to skip ahead from where i was last at..... i had my clothes made in Hoi An and i have to say i'm pretty pleased with them. Three dresses tailored entirely to yours truly, which is every womans dream to have her own personal wardrobe made. Hoi An was absolute heaven on a stick really, i wish we could have spent more time there. It would have been nice to do some more shopping but also nice to just head down to a local cafe and have a drink, or an icecream, or head down by the water and just sit around. It's only a small place in comparison to the other cities we've been too and its actually World Heritage listed - its very French provincial and although it seems to be a tourist favourite it remains relatively untouched by Western ways.

From there it was another awesome trip on a train - afternoon this time, so technically not a sleeper but just as crappy - to the resort town of Nha Trang. For those of you who have been keeping up with me on Facebook, you will already know that there was a typhoon scheduled to hit Nha Trang while we were there but thankfully it didnt eventuate. It did rain the first day we were there but that didnt matter so much. Instead of heading to the beach we went to the mud baths and got all dirtied up, loosened up in the spa and then had a massage. Jealous yet ? Much.
The second day saw the sky blue so we did head out on the water for a while. I didnt actually enjoy it all too much - in fact, whilst over here i've discovered that i have a weird aversion to falling into water that i've never notcied before. WE'd been on a bicycle ride a few days previously and we had to ride on some pretty precarious paths straight between rice paddies.... i almost had a full on panic attack because i was SURE i was going to fall into the water and drown. Kind of the same on the boat, although i did swim.... i was more afraid of not being able to swim back and drowning. Might have something to do with the fact that the humidity around here is making my asthma play up and my lungs feel like theyre shot to shit half the time.

Anyhoo, one final sleeper train trip ( hallelujah! ) and we'd arrived in Saigon. Saigon is completely nuts in comparison to the rest we've seen here. The traffic is unbelieveable and the city has a real cosmopolitan feel to it. We spent the first day after our arrival doing a tour of the Mekong Delta which i can describe in two words - surreally hot. OK, maybe that doesnt make sense but the whole time we were tripping around i was either thinking how beautiful it all was or how much the heat and medication i'm were making me want to throw up. We also did a tour of the Cu Chi Tunnels this morning and i guess i was over-awed. Firstly, at the severity of human endurance - how we as humans can find such incredible ways to survive, but also be aware enough to find incredibly deceptive and cruel ways to kill others; and secondly i was over-awed at the disrespect ( in my opinion anyway ) that some Western tourists seemed to be showing. I mean, for example, there was an American army tanker on the grounds, there as an historical aretfact i suppose and our tour guide had just finished telling us how at least 6 American GI were killed in that particular vehicle. I look up and there are about 20 grown adults crawling all over it and one idiot who had lowered himself into the hold so that his top half was sticking out, and he was smiling and mugging it up for his friends camera. For God's sake, the tank was, for all intents and purposes, a tomb for some people and these idiots were treating like it was a ride at Disneyland. I wasnt sure whether i wanted to throw a rock at them or throw up.

Anyhoo, tonight is actually our final night in Vietnam before we head over to Cambodia tomorrow. We're all going out for a final dinner with our Vietnamese guide tonight ( his name is Phuong, when i get my pictures together back in Australia you all can see him ) which is going to be kind of sad cause he's a sweet little fella. Plus, its one of my fellow travelmates birthdays today so i think we'll all put on the best of our ratty clothes and party up big.

Boo yea to that and look out Cambodia!!

Rickshaws may rock, but overnight trains suck

Yes ladies and gentleman, nơ coming to the end òf day four in Vietnam... i have so much to blog about yet so little time. I am trying to keep you all updated tho so bear with me. Let me make a very short list in place of my normal rambling posts:

1. Overnight trains sêm fun at first, like an extended sleep over, but after 13 hours you get alittle stir crazy
2. My roomie í great, as í everyone on the tour. 6 Aussies, 3 Canadians and 2 Brits. Sory Sheena, no Safas
3. You can find the bét banana icecream in theworld in Hanoi
4. Buddhist cereremonies are so serene i want to cry
5. I'm curently in a town called Hoi An, home to hundreds of tailors.... cheap, tailor made clothes hểre i come!

Rickshaws rock!

Well its been a tiring journey making it all the way over ( bloody stop overs..... ) but i have arrived safe and sound in Hanoi, Vietnam. As yet i havent exactly done much - i arrived just after lunch local time and seeing as i couldnt quite manged to get much sleep on any of my plane journeys, i took me a nap. Sort of.... it wasnt exactly the best nap ever but it was sleep.

I have, however, been out and about getting lost in the neighbourhood surrounding my hotel. And, let me assure, you getting lost was completely my plan. Its my firm belief that just going where your gut takes you, getting in and mixing with the crowd, is the best way to discover things you never knew existed. Plus, then you have that excuse for when you want to take a ride in a rickshaw - which, by the way, i am totally buying for myself. All i have to do now is find somehow back in DubVegas who'll be willing to drive me around in it......

Hurrah, hurrah, the time has come!!

Freaking hallelujah - its holiday time! Thats right my peoples, in 2 hours time i will boarding a small plane for a fligt to Sydney and later this evening i'm off to South East Asia. I have been pretty much been waiting for this holiday since i returned from my stint as an au pair in the United States so my holiday is WELL overdue.

I'll be flying from Sydney, via Brisbane and Kuala Lumpur to Hanoi, Vietnam. From there i start 18 days of what will hopefully be an excellent small adventures holiday. Down the coast of Vietnam, across into Cambodia and a few days in Thailand before i have to come back and get back into the daily grind. A full itinerary can be found at : http://www.geckosadventures.com/sth_east_asia/trip_daybyday.asp?trip=2788 for those who care to look.

I will,of course, be making semi-regular posts in here if i can get access to a good internet cafe. That way, you all can pretend like you're taking a holiday with me! Till then my cherubs.... mwah, mwah!

Quick note

After last night's post, i went to bed and whats was the first song i got to hear on the radio ? " No Aphrodisiac " by The Whitlams ( containing the line " there's no aphrodisiac like lonliness.... " ) followed immediately thereafter by " Better Than " by the John Butler Trio ( " You can be better than that, dont let it get the better of you.... " ).

Excuse me but - fuck you FM Radio.

Can anyone hear me ?

I live alone. For the most part this is a good thing - i enjoy my space, my freedom, my independence - but just lately its been lonely. I dont know why. Nothing much in my life has changed, there has been no major drama that has pushed me to any brink or anything just... i get lonely.

I get up in the morning. I check my emails while i eat my breakfast, and if i have no new mail, no new messages on Facebook or Bebo, most of the time its okay but sometimes i wonder if people have forgotten me. But no matter. I suck it up, take a shower, pad around my house half naked while i iron my clothes, wash the dishes, do my hair; i can do that because i live alone, its a luxury to not have to get completely dressed until i need to walk out the door. I go off to work and, for the most part, enjoy my day. My work is not hard and i have plenty of human interaction. I love the woman i work most with - i'm kind of, sort of, not officially her boss and she is older than me, but we sometimes end up carrying on like fools by the end of the day.

I finish work at 5:30pm and most days i come straight home. Sometimes i drop into my parents house, or my brothers, usually with some excuse for having to go there but sometimes its just because i want to see someone. The days i do come straight home, i come in, slip off my shoes, get changed and turn on the tv. Always straight onto the same channel - i like to listen to the news while i potter around. I check emails again, tidy up, read a magazine, maybe put on a load of washing. I feed my fish - i started out with four, named after The Beatles, but unfortunately John Lennon was cannibalised by the other three ( almost true to real life ). They are the only pets i am allowed to have in my rental property so thusly my only company. I make my own dinner. I dont really cook as such, not like a chef or a mother - i cook some meat, sometimes vegetables, sometimes rice, on the odd occasion pasta, and throw all together with some packet or jar of sauce. Its cheating, but it keeps me alive. I like to save proper cooking for when people come over - those occasions are not very often. I eat my dinner in front of the TV - i watch The Simpsons, then Neighbours, then Futurama, in that order, almost everyday. I interact with the characters; i get excited when i watch competitive reality programs like So You Think You Can Dance; in my mind its like i know these people. I begin to wind down for the night. I usually get on the net again, see if anyone is on MSN. If they arent, i consider packing it all in and going to bed early but i usually dont. I waste time surfing the net, hoping to find something to alleviate what i usually prefer to identify as boredom.

The clock hits 10:30pm, or thereabouts and i figure i best get some sleep. I turn off the computer, turn out the light in the fish tank, lock the front door, check the back. I go to my bedroom and take off my jewellery. I have a jewellery box but nothing ever goes in there, it just gets laid out on my bedside table. I backtrack to my bathroom. I comb my hair, brush my teeth, clean my face with specially formulated Neutrogena. I stare at myself in the mirror, usually okay with what i see but sometimes i pick out every flaw. Pimple there, too many freckles, my eyebrows need waxing. I pad back down the hallway to my bedroom, my mind already ticking over. I get undressed, poke at the layer of podgy fat that lies over what would be a perfectly flat, toned stomach if i bothered with cardio. I put on pyjamas, set my alarm and turn on the radio. I cant sleep without music on, some kind of background noise, and it comforts me to hear other people talking. The radio stays on all night. I climb into bed, cover myself in sheets, blankets, quilts, depending on the weather.

And thats when it hits me. I'm alone. And lonely. There is no-one there to say " goodnight, sleep tight " to. There is no-one to snuggle into the pillows with, to spoon with, to sleep with. There is no-one who's presence will reassure me when i wake up at 2am after a disturbing dream. There is no-one who will stroke my hair, or my cheek, when they wake at 3am and want some reassuring themselves. And there will be no-one there in the morning when i wake up.

So i just lie there, alone, in the dark, lonely as ever, either trying to hold back the tears or squeezing my eyes shut, desperatly trying to get to sleep so i wont notice the empty space on the other side of my bed.