Well - its over.
My ( now former ) best friend found my blog and didnt like what she read. She wasnt happy at what i had assumed about her husband, and i guess i cant blame her - it was an assumption after all. ( And, as we sadly know, retrospect is both a blessing and a curse ). But after months of being ignored by him ( and her aswell ) or, at the very least, getting the simplest of civil " hello's " i dont know what else i was supposed to think. Generally when someone does not speak to you, or speaks to you only because they feel obligated to, it means they dont actually like you. At least, thats my experience. Apparently her husband had nothing but the highest regards for Mick but, again, i didnt hear anything about it until too late. If he, or she, had made these apparent positive feelings known to me, I would never have had the chance to assume the worst ( as an over-active mind is want to do ).
I received any email from my friend yesterday morning, telling me how arrogant and nasty and horrible a person i am, how insecure I am in myself and my relationship, how hypocritical and judgemental and full of myself i am, and detailing every perceived slight against her dating back to high school. She berated me for confiding my feelings in my blog and not giving her husband a chance to defend himself, yet in the same breath brings up every " bad " thing i have ever done in the time she has known me, some of which i was not even aware of - which gives me no chance to defend myself. She said that we no longer have anything in common, that neither of us cares anymore, and that we're holding onto nothing. This may be true on her part but if i didnt care, would i have felt passionately enough to have let my feelings out? If i didnt care anymore i would have been happy to just see less and less of her until years down the track we realised we were no longer in each others lives. I did care, and i thought, after last years debacle, that there was still something to hold onto. She herself said so in an email back then - that we could both try and we'd only grow closer. Truth is, i was the only one who tried.
After our falling out when i announced my pregnancy, things were rough. We communicated gingerly, but when she herself fell pregnant she contacted me, elated and excited. I thought things were going to be great but i was always the instigator of any contact from that point. I would text her to see how her pregnancy was, email to see how she was feeling; when i was going into labour she was the second person i called ( after my mum ) because i wanted to share that crazy/scary moment with my best friend; i found out her daughter was born by a generic text message she sent to all her contacts ( unlike her however, i took no offence to texting ). When our babies were small i would be the one to text and see how she was getting on, and suggest a catch up - i cant recall once when she asked me without being prompted first. Over the past 8 months she has increasingly ignored me, via email and Facebook ( i commented on her status, and she would reply to everyone but me, and would never comment on my status except to hit the " Like " button ). Finally, this alienation became too much for me and i had my bloggy tizzy fit.
And now - we're over. She has said so in her email and, just to make it official, she has defriended me on Facebook - the ultimate in modern " fuck you "s. I replied to her missive, but dont expect a reply in return. And so, in the next few months, leading up to Christmas and my sons first birthday, and in planning my wedding - i will miss her. I will see her at the mall and wonder whether i should give a polite nod " hello "; i will see her driving around town and wonder where she is going; I will see that a mutual friend has commented on her Facebook status and wonder what she has written. I will wait and see if any other friendships falter, and wonder if she has told these other friends just how she feels about me. I will watch my son grow and wonder how her daughter is doing, whether we are experiencing the same mummy rites of passage. I will miss her.
But i will take this in my stride, learn from my mistakes, and know that i will grow to be a better person without the sadness and alienation and hurt she has slowly forced upon over the last year. I will live, and i will learn to trust in friends again. And i will continue to be me, the REAL me, and know that hiding my truth so as not be hated or judged ( as i felt i would be ) is just not worth my time, nor the heartbreak it will inevitably bring....
Well, none of this has gone to plan.
1 day ago