Misfire

You would think from the level of excitement i had in my last post that i would have given you answer to the " find out or not ? " question by now. Yes, you would think that. However, the scan that i had been jumping out of my skin excited about didnt go all that well, and my enthusiasm to do an update post completely waned. To fill you in:


I went down Wednesday morning with a full bladder and an over-active, excited mind. I got called in by a sonographer who explained that she was only training in obstetrics, and that she would do the first 20 mins of the scan and a qualified sonographer(QS) would be in to do the rest. That was fine - i dont begrudge anyone the chance to learn so i had no problem with a trainee assisting. She was pretty good - she got the pictures she needed of the babies extremities and told me what she was photographing as she went along, and then she called the QS in. Thats where things kind of went down hill. For the next 45 mins i was poked and prodded ( to the point of hurting in some places ), and treated much like a lab rat: that is, the QS spoke directly to her trainee in technical terms, explaining the best way to get a good picture, how many she should take, different views etc.... but hardly spoke to me. When she did it was once to tell me that my baby has two kidneys ( hooray for that! ) and more than half a dozen times to tell me how difficult/unco-operative/stubborn my baby was being. She didnt bother to explain any of the technical jargon to me, and even when i outrightly asked a question, i didnt get much of an answer. Eventually i just shut down and lie there, like an experimental guinea pig.

As if that wasnt enough, we get to the end of an hour and the QS finally says " You're all done! "... this is despite me having mentioned four times that we would like to find out the gender. So i asked if there was any indication and she sighed, put the probe back on my stomach and said " I'm very sorry but bubby is lying with the cord between its legs, i cant see anything so i wouldnt like to hazard a guess " and then proceeded to hand me some paper towel and telling me i could clean myself up when i was ready. I near about burst into tears right there on the bed - after all the poking and prodding, all the second and third and fourth attempts to get the pictures they needed, she wouldnt even try to get a look at something i was interested in. I felt like she was telling me that what i cared about wasnt important - which of course translates to " You're not important ".

Now i know the important thing is that bub is healthy - and as far as i could tell from the tech speak and lack of telling me otherwise, Little Jelly is going great. Truth be told i would have still been disappointed if we couldnt find out, even if the rest of the scan had been great. But i just felt like i had been dismissed as a mum who has concerns of her own, and really the only point to me being there was so they had a test subject to learn on. I cried all the way back to my mums, and i couldnt stop crying for at least an hour after that ( to the point where my mum wouldnt let me take Flynn home, she just told me to " go rest ". Instead, i made an appointment with my GP for that afternoon and had a chat to her about how i was made to feel ( and how i've been feeling increasingly down in general ). She was great and gave me a referral to have the scan again, at a different radiologists. I have to pay for this one this time but because my GP is great and noted on the referral that i had already had a scan at the "competitors ", the new place is giving me a discount.

So 10 more days until we can try again. Hopefully this time the sonographer i end up with has a bit of compassion for an anxious mum, and Mr or Miss Jelly in there is a bit more happy to flash his/her bits!

I'm So Excited....!

One more sleep, one more sleep....!

Ok, I'm a little bit excited - because tomorrow i get to go for my 18-20week morphology scan. The fact that i get to see Little Jelly wiggling, and kicking and possibly sucking their thumb or waving is exciting enough, but the possibility of finding out the gender is really whats got me impatient.

God help me if i have one like Bart....

With Flynn, Mick was pretty adamant that he wanted to find out the sex but i was a bit iffy - maybe i wanted a suprise? Maybe knowing would make things easier? But a suprise would be fun, right? You know that back-and-forth kind of agonising that you get with big decisions. Even waiting at the radiologists, bladder completely full and trying desperately not to pee, i still hadnt made up my mind. But, as soon as we were in with the sonographer and she asked " Would you like to know the sex? " i was the first one to blurt out " Yes! ". It kind of suprised me how easy the " yes " slipped out, and i know it suprised Mick.

This time around though we are both definately on the same page - we're busting to find out! I'm hoping bubby wont be too shy and will happily flash its bits to all and sundry at the ultrasound tomorrow. At the 12 week scan Little Jelly kept his/her legs crossed tightly enough that the sonographer couldnt get a good pic of the leg bones, so i'm hoping his/her inhibitions have disappeared since then! I'll be honest and say that my gut feeling, definately for the last few weeks anyway, is that its a girl but i'll be a happy mama no matter what we get.

What about you other ladies? Of those who already have kids, did you find out the gender ahead of time? And those yet to have bubbas, which side of the fence do you think you'd be on - find out or not?

A Wanted Man

So - the most wanted man in the nation has finally been captured. Malcolm Naden, suspected in the disappearance of one woman, wanted for the murder of another, been witnessed shooting a police officer, and perpetrator of numerous break-and-enters during his 7 year son the run, is finally in police custody. I am both proud of our police and SAS officers for not having given up the chase, and ashamed to admit that this alleged monster is from my hometown.


For the past 7 years, our local newspaper has regular stories in regards to Naden - his string of alleged offences, articles on his history, pleas by family members of the missing/deceased or simple reports on police progress. Though everyone in this country is considered innocent til proven guilty, i find hard to believe that someone who had NOT committed any offence would run and hide. And would go to great lengths to stay hidden for 7 years. It is even harder for me to believe that, despite all the anecdotal evidence to the contrary, there are still members of our local community who believe him to be innocent. Who protest it, and some who bandy about conspiracy theories as to who may be behind his apparent " set up ".

My fingers are crossed now that he is brought before the courts as quickly as possible, without ample jail time to sit and wait for the conspiracy theories to grow bigger and crazier, and without the chance to sell his side of the story ( though i'm sure there are plenty amongst us who would love to know exactly how he managed to evade capture for all that time ). I'm also hoping that, whatever the outcome of his trial, that the families of his alleged victims are brought some kind of closure, some kind of peace, and that they may finally be left to mourn and to miss their daughters without the glare of the media spotlight upon them....

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This

A friend of mine has a theory that if a women starts having crazy wackydoo dreams, just seemingly out of the blue, it means she's pregnant, or very soon will be. She has applied this theory to me twice, and has only been right once ( back in December, when i would have only just conceived ). So, i guess, as theories go, it could use a bit of work. What i find interesting though, and no doubt can be scientifically proven somehow, is that once a lady is well and truely into a pregnancy - say 6 weeks along or more - she does start having more vivid dreams. Or, at the very least, this lady does.

I've been having completely wacked out, trippy dreams for at least 2 months now. Not every night, but at least once or twice a week, and i have to say that some of them have left me completely baffled.

The one where i was going the full pash with Joseph Gordon Levitt ( " 100 Days of Summer " Levitt, not " 3rd Rock From the Sun " Levitt ) in a school hallway wasnt too nutty, but the one where i was going the full.... lets say " Monty " .... with Red Foo from LMFAO was a head scratcher. And its not the sexual dreams either - i've been in an internment camp with the Muppets and escaping from a vaguley school-like prison with Chris Hemsworth from " Thor " ( also not too bad of a kisser, apparently ). And those are just the few i can actually remember!

So is it just me or are vivid, and somewhat crazy, dreams standard for most pregnant ladies? Or am i on my own with this?

In The Loop

One of my favourite things about social media is the sense of community that is created between people who, without the aid of the internet, would never have met. It allows you to connect with people you would never have otherwise run into, to create, to laugh and cry, to generally share with them in a way that creates a sense of belonging. That always seemed to be what i was missing when i suffering from depression - a feeling of belonging, to "fitting in " anywhere, and a morbid fear that i never would. And then i discovered the internet and found that there were lots of people who shared the same ideas as me, who liked the same things, and had the same passion for discussing/debating them as i did - they just, somewhat, unfortunately didnt live anywhere near me.

Just one of the group....

I thinks thats what i was hoping for so badly from my mothers group - to have a group of people who were tangibly " there ", women i could actually hang out with and feel like a part of. Sadly, as i have previously mentioned, it didnt exactly happen that way. ( Happily though i have made what i would consider one good friend ). Thats why i've been so happy to be able to join a group of women on Facebook and feel this great kinship with them with this pregnancy. Its a " secret " group - that is you cant see it listed on each individuals homepage, to protect the privacy of those who havent revealed their pregnancies yet - that was started via the Babycentre website. Basically its a group of ladies who are all due to have babies in August of this year ( or late July, for a few who's dates have changed ) - first timers, women who've been TTC for years, a few having twins and even one mum up to her 7th bubba! And the sense of camaraderie amongst us makes me happy, for lack of a better word. The atmosphere is comfortable enough to ask pretty much anything, from the TMI topics such as constipation or nipple discharge right down to mundane stuff like " Whats on everyone's menu for lunch ? ".

The only downside is ( as per bloody usual! ) none of the other lovely ladies live anywhere near me. So, like all the awesome blog conferences or Hello Blogger meet ups i've missed out on, i'm now missing out on cool lunches or pamper sessions with some hot mamas-to-be! But thats ok, because for now i've got a place to hang out, chit-chat about " The Biggest Loser " and post baby bump pictures, where i feel like i belong...

I Have Gone M.I.A

....well, not really. Today i am actually guest posting over at Accidental Wonderland. See, the gorgeous Ames has finally had her equally gorgeous second bubba and is hosting a whole bunch of bloggers to talk babies, boobies and all things mama-hood related!

Pop over, say hi, leave me a comment and if you arent already a follower you should do so because Ames is just a wee bit awesome!

Growing Comfortable, Feeling OK

I had my first appointment with the midwives here at our local public hospital yesterday ( even though i work for a pricate health insurance company, i cant afford private health insurance - go figure! ) and, as other mums may know, you get asked about a bazillion questions during your "booking in " interview. Questions about your current pregnancy, your previous pregnancies, about your medical history and the medical histories of your immediate families. And some of those questions encompass mental health, both past and present. What struck me yesterday is how comfortable i seem to have become with my mental health issues, how at ease i was talking about them.


In the past, even when talking to medical professionals, i was always a bit embarrassed to have to admit to being a bit of a headcase. Not that i was a headcase, but sometimes with all the stigma that is attached to mental illness thats how you feel - like a bit of a nutter. But not anymore. I think in the years between having been first diagnosed, then treated, and now havingt not had any type of intervention for almost 4 years, i think i've matured into seeing my depression and social anxiety disorder for what it was - just another illness like any other, and completely out of my control. I'm not exactly to the point of shouting out to all and sundry " I used to have depression! " but i'm at the point now where if i'm asked i feel no need to shy away from the truth.

Why? Because its MY truth - a part of my past that really has shaped who i am. I cant run away from it, even if i wanted to, so i'm at a point now, as a woman and as a mother, where i'm able to admit to my past darkness without feeling ashamed of it ( even if others may feel i should be, i try to use my mental health issues to make me feel bad ). Its a part of who i was, and who i am, and who i'm going to be in the future. And its the yardstick against which i measure my current happiness - as i've said previously, I believe that we need to experience the dark rainy days to fully appreciate a little bit of sunshine....

Big Brother: Part 1

One thing i have been pondering over with this pregnancy so far ( aside from names, birth options, scans etc ) is how Flynn is going to go as a big brother. There is no doubt in my mind that we will have an initial period where he turns completely feral and refuses to co-operate. Hell, if he' anything like i was as an eldest child he'll probably have at least one attempt at killing his new sibling ( I'm joking - pushing your new brother off his change table isnt enough to kill them. Believe me, i tried! ). I'm hoping though that the transition from " only child " to " big brother " is relatively smooth.

Can you imagine this truck driving little grub as a big brother?

Flynn is so gorgeous with other people babies. Even though he's still a little shorty, he bends down to talk to babies and talks in this cute little baby voice. He asks if he can give them a cuddle or " pat " them, and when he does he strokes their little heads so gently it makes me smile. For such a rough monkey of a boy, he's incredibly sweet and gentle with people smaller than himself. ( This gentleness, however, does not yet extend to pregnant mothers. He's still happy to climb all over me ). It almost makes me proud that he's so aware of how to behave around babies, and especially proud of how protective he is towards them. Of course i know that it will be a bit different when the baby is living in his house, stealing away his mums attention, but i still have this inkling that the inherent gentleness and protectiveness will be there.

We've already explained to him what it means to be the big brother. It means he has to help us look after the baby, to give it lots of cuddles and kisses to keep it safe; it means he gets to move on to more " big boy " things and he can pass his baby stuff on to his new brother/sister; and it means he has to show the baby how to be a good boy or girl. Though i'm not expecting smooth sailing right from the outset, i have no doubt Flynn will be able to do all that. He may be a total dude, but he's a pretty caring little fellow when it comes down to it.

So at this point, with 15-ish weeks down and 24-ish weeks to go, i'm just going to keep on talking about babies and families and changes with Flynn, and hope that when push comes to shove its actually more of a cuddle than anything else.

What about you - for those who have more than one child, how did your eldest cope with becoming a sibling?

Purely Confident-ial

I dont think its any secret that i've been suffering from a slight crisis of confidence lately - last weeks massive freakout/depressive episode is evidence enough. And though i have a pretty great life at the moment - wonderful husband and son, pregnant, relatively steady income stream - i'm still letting those old feelings of inadequacy be stirred up ( definately prompted by the grand dumping by my ex-best friend back in late 2010 ). I dont know why i'm aware enough to know whats bugging me and why, but not be able to stop it. Bah - the curse of an ( apparently ) intelligent woman!

hate cats - love this pic....

Anyhoodle, along with the awareness of the loss of confidence, there is also - this time - the realisation that there are small things that i can do to make myself feel better. I'm not talking about the big things like actually asking for help instead of doing everything on my own, i'm talking about the little things that can make a frumpy mum feel like a woman again, or a housewife feel like a rockstar.Things like:

* paint my nails - because of the work i do ( using heat and small handtools ) my nails always look crappy. But even a coat of barely there blush pink makes me feel a bit more flash, and a little less " Flashdance ";
* wear red - i always, always, always feel better in red! If i'm feeling particularly faboosh, no doubt i will end up gravitating towards something red, whether its a red cardy, a red dress or my favourite red flats ( which are currently dying. Sad face ).
* put on make up - i know this one is pretty basic for most women but i dont wear a whole lot of makeup. Even as a teenage girl it was a basic foundation and mascara, i never really bothered to learn about liquid eyeliner/bronzer/whatever all that goop is i see plastered on young girls today. For the last few months all i've worn to work is tinted moisturiser and thats it, but now in the first few weeks pregnancy my skin went off the rails and i found i was really bothered by the ruddiness and pimples, pimples and more pimples! So i've invested in some " Nude by Nature " mineral foundation and plan on wearing it everyday. I dont have a lot of time, especially on workdays, so a mineral foundation that i can just brush on and go sounds perfect to me!
* Catch up with friends - i need to this more often as spending time with people who like me FOR me reminds me that i am not the sum of what one person thinks of me. Unfortunately, the two good friends i have left from school are not always ready available ( one lives in another town now, and the other is a competitive horse rider and is off at competitions a lot ), so i need to either find some new friends or make the most of the opportunities i do have with my girls.

So my mission in the next 25 weeks - while i slowly turn into a human blimp but before a newborn baby ties me to the house for a while - is to make an effort to brighten my own life, and to disregard those people and thoughts that are trying to bring me down!

Totally Super!

Todays post is inspired by a post made by Lori from http://www.rrsahm.com/ a few days ago. Lori is jumping back into internet dating and has come up with her perfect " go to " question to seperate the men from the morons - " Who is your favourite super hero ? ". What struck me as funny is that Mick and I met on a web dating site and i actually asked him the exact same question on our second date! Despite not reading comic books, i'm a big of a comic book/graphic novel movie nerd, and on our second date we went to see " Watchmen " ( graphic novel, psuedo superheroes, kind of dark. Google it... ). When i asked him his favourite superhero, and we matched on 2 out of 3 in a Top 3 list, i knew it must be love! So, inspired by that very question - which, although it sounds unbelievable nerdy to some, i think actually gives away quite a bit about a person - here is my current Top 5 Favourite Superhero Type People Things :

1. Batman - Batman is my favourite for a few reasons, but mainly this: the man doesnt actually have super powers, he's just a really dark, tortured rich guy who's taken it upon himself to save the world. You know, vigilant style. Plus, he has cool gadget, a cool car, and his own cave. Ace.

2. Eric Draven aka " The Crow " - a lot of people have never heard of this one but Eric Draven comes in at #2 simply because he' so romantic. Romantic? Yes - for those not in the know basically Eric Draven is a guy who was murdered alonsgide his girlfriend and on the first anniversary of his death he returns from the dead to avenge his lady love. He has all these " you-cant-kill-me, i'm-already-dead " powers, and once he's killed off all the bad guys and made sure a young girl he knew is looked after, he returns to his grave and ( presumably ) can get on with the getting to heaven to be with his woman. So yes - way romantic!

3. Wolverine - total motorcycle riding, cigar chomping, big hair growing bad ass! Plus he has awesome adamantium claws and is played by the super-scrumptious Hugh Jackman at his muscular best. And, even though he's a grumpy rebel most of the time, he has his soft side. Everything a lady could want in a man mutant...

4. V - as in " V for Vendetta ". Again, he doesnt actually have super powers, he's just another ( literally ) tortured soul ( who may or may not be hideously mutilated ) who has taken it upon himself to save the world. Or, in V's case, to fight the system that oppresses the world he lives in. Which he does, ably assisted by a bald Natalie Portman in the film version. Because i dont like spoiling films, i wont give away the ending, except to say if what V does isnt heroic, i dont know what is.

5. Iron Man - lucky last, Iron Man makes the list for 3 reasons: a) he's another rich dude with cool gadgets, saving the world because he can; b) he's really funny and c) he's played in the film version by Robert Downey Jnr who, despite being old enough to be my father, is just a bit hot. Or a lot, you decide....

Super Wa-waah Freak Out!

Good gravy - i was doing my usual blog reading this morning and i realised i havent posted for a week. Its not like i'm a daily poster or anything but a week is too long. I want to post more regularly, i really do.... its just lately i havent found myself with all that much time, and thats becoming a problem.

See- yesterday? I had a super huge hormonal freak out. I'd gone to bed a bit upset because for the umpteenth night in a row it seemed like Mick and i hadnt connected because one or the other of us has been " too tired ". I feel like he goes to work, comes home, he bathes Flynn while i cook; we eat together then i do paperwork while he washes dishes; then when i'm finished he does his stuff on the computer and then we go to bed. There isnt much connection - physical or verbal - going on and its been bothering me.

So Tuesday night i went to bed upset and yesterday morning its like i'd woken up a thousand times worse. I just barely kept myself together while Flynn and i ran errands down town; we had morning tea with my Mum where i barely uttered a word and fobbed her off with a " oh, i'm just tired "; and then when we came home and the first thing i saw was the books and the toys and the crap all over the floor... i lost it. I made Flynn his lunch through a blur of hiccupy tears. He looked at me a bit funny, like he wasnt quite sure what was going on, but he just sat and watched Sesame Street quietly. I sent my mum a text to apologise for being so glum and when she called a few minutes later to find me sobbing on the other end of the phone, that was that.

She rang my Dad who came round on his lunch break from work. We chatted politely until he finally cracked me and i got all my pent up "whatevers" off my chest. He called his work and arranged the rest of the afternoon off - then he packed up my son, told me to have a nap, that he and Flynn would hang out at his house and came back in a few hours ( which would give me enough time to do some of the backlog of end-of-month paperwork i had ), and that when they got back we'd all get stuck into tidying up. I protested because as much as i needed it i dislike being helped ( it makes me feel like i'd failed to do things by myself... ) however you dont argue with my dad - what he says kind of goes.
So i did as i was told. I slept for an hour then got stuck into my paperwork. I took a short drive to check our PO box and clear my head a bit and managed to finish up a few spreadsheets before they got back. Mick arrived at around the same time and with 4 adults ( me, Mick my mum and dad ) we managed to pack up books and toys, sweep out kitchen and bathroom, clear the dining table ( am i the only one who ends up with various odds and ends all over the dining table? ) and vacuum within half an hour. I still was on edge and tired and had developed a killer stress headache so we ended up having takeaway for tea, but by bedtime i felt better. About myself and my situation.

I knew it was going to be tough to be a pregnant woman with essentially two jobs, a toddler and a house to look after - i'm just glad to know i have such a great support team to fall back on when i do go off the rails!