The Making of Me : A 10 Year Retrospective

Just so we're clear, this meme was originally started by Sheena and even though i wasnt officially tagged i've decided to do it anyway. Basically its a quick rundown summarising the last 10 years of my life. And so, seeing as i'm 24 this year, we start way back in 1998, at the tender age of 14....

1998 ( 14 yrs ) - If i remember correctly, this is the year where i first started to feel a little dark inside. Not that i want to make out everything was doom and gloom, but it was around this time i first started to listen to those self-loathing thoughts in my head. It was also the year i got my first mobile phone and we had internet on our home computer for the first time. And so started my addiction to the Inter-Web.

1999 ( 15 yrs ) - The tenth grade of high school. This is where things started to become serious - important end-of-year exams, getting to invited to parties was almost the be all and end all, and friendships were tested. I got drunk for the first time ( on Stolichnaya Lemon Ruskies .... so old school ) at my friends Brads birthday party. I felt ridiculously cool but was terrified of my dad busting me. Thankfully he didnt and i spent quite a few parties that year ( and all the years following ) getting my drink on. Also, despite being released the previous year, this is the year i started my love affair with " Dizzy Up The Girl " by The Goo Goo Dolls - to this day, one of my top 5 favourite albums.

2000 ( 16 yrs ) - I wrote a lot of poetry this year. You know, the world-sucks, i-wish -i -were-dead, emo kid kind of poetry. I carried a notebook of poetry in my school bag, so that everytime i was upset, angry or plain old bored i could write. Words have managed to sustain me, in some form or another, ever since then. The memory of good times that sticks out in my mind is from my two day biology camp. I sang - the one and only time that i have ever had the guts to sing by myself, in front of other people. What did i sing ? " Slide " by the Goo Goo Dolls.

2001 ( 17 yrs ) - Final year of high school baby! Thank the freaking Lord, because by this point in precedings i was well and truely sick of the place. I loved getting to hang out with my friends, i enjoyed being able to debate intellectually in class discussions, i even enjoyed some of the assignments I had to do - i just hated the institution. I disliked most of the teachers and thoughi dont have a huge problem with authority, I hated being told what to do by people who were, quite frankly, total douches. I hated my English teacher and i'm pretty sure he hated me too. Two months before end of year exams, i walked out of his class never went back. Screw you sucka! The only good thing about gthe final year of high school was the end of it - that is, our Year 12 Formal ( thats a Senior Prom, for you North Americans ). My Formal was pretty ace. The graduating song we chose ? " Higher " by Creed - yep, we rocked much.

2002 ( 18 yrs ) - No more school meant starting work. I've never been to university, not because i'm stupid or lazy, but because i had ( and still have ) no solid idea what i wanted to do with my life. I also did not have the money to waste on some random course that i might drop after a semester or two. So i got a job working retail and tried to save some money. It was in the first few months of this that i was officially diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder. I had to watch one of those horrid public service type videos- you know, like if my life were the Simpsons, the film would have starred Troy McClure . Hi, I'm Troy McClure, and you may remember me from such films as " So You're Having a Mental Breakdown! " or " Parties? Who Needs Them ? " ...... I had to break the news to my family and my immediate bosses at work that i was, ahem, " mentally ill ", and started a course of cognitive behavioural therapy with a counsellor. In short, this year was not my best.

2003 ( 19 yrs ) - All that counselling was doing me some good. I wasnt cured and i was still on meds, but I started to develop interests again ( beyond napping - i'll always be interested in that ). I started thinking about a possible career path and i thought i might enjoy working with kids. I started volunteering at my old primary school on my days off, working as a reading tutor with the kindergarten kids. I did that till 11am, and then in the afternoons i'd do a volunteer shift at a childcare centre, just helping out. I enjoyed it, but i still wasnt ready to make a career commitment. I kept working retail and basically just concentrated on getting mentally healthy. It was hard with my best friend moving away this year, but i managed to stay alive.

2004 ( 20 yrs ) - I'd always wanted to go overseas and this year was the year to make it a reality. I figured that because i didnt have the money to just holiday, i could work for my trip. I applied for a position as a camp counsellor and, after many months of waiting, was knocked back because i only had experience with kids under the age of 7. Once upon a time, this news would have knocked me on my arse, but I decided to keep on trying. This proved to be the best decision I ever made - this time i applied to work as an Au Pair in the USA, and was accepted by a family living in New Jersey. I packed up my shit and moved to the US in early November.

2005 ( 21 yrs ) - 2005 started in Times Square, New York City. Fabulous start to a fabulous year, i'd say. I learnt a lot about myself, and who i had the potential to be, whilst living overseas. I loved my family - my three boys, M, T and H - and i made friends with some gorgeous girls from all over the world. I did a four day trek through the Andes to Machu Picchu in Peru ( where i was possessed by mountain spirits - long story.... ) and tested my mental and physical toughness; i went to DisneyWorld on my own and got to skip to the front of the lines; I did 4th of July at South Street Seaport, Rosh Hashanah in Conneticut and Halloween in my local neighbourhood. I joined a gym and fell into being a gym junkie, losing 10 kgs ( about 25lbs ). I returned to Australia a new person, and to be greeted by a new person ( my neice, D.O.B 18.11.05 ). 2005 was a good year, perhaps the best thus far.

2006 ( 22yrs ) - I started the new year with a new job and a new outlook. The previous year had proved i didnt have to live under my bed covers, that if thrown in the deep end i did, indeed, have the ability to swim. I started hitting the pub every weekend, not drinking ( again, anotyher long story ) but just dancing and living it up. I lived for Saturday nights and Sunday morning sleep ins.I definately looked good and i had never felt better.I had a brief relationship with a guy a year younger than me. He was, sadly, so immature that it eventually felt like dating my younger brother, and i broke it off. This was also the year that i i lost my blog virginity. I didnt write poetry much anymore, and an old school journal was just, well, so old school. My bloga attracted the readership of two awesome internet buddies, both still readers now, and our three way conversations became the stuff of legend. By the time Christmas rolled around, i was completely addicted to blogging and had already been to meet with one of my other readers. I'd like to say it wasnt an excuse for a dirty weekend, but that would be a lie :)

2007 ( 23 yrs ) - Ah, the year of living dangerously. Well not technically dangerously, its not like i was running with a gang or anything, i just lot a lot of my old inhibitions. Yes, in THAT way too ( perverts ). I become a fan of local rugby players, and a fan of drunken midnight texts. I maintained my internet buddies friendships and even got the pleasure of meeting up with one of them. Last year felt like a golden year, save for a few small mistakes - things i said but didnt really mean, things i should have said but didnt, things i missed and things i really wish i hadnt have been there for. Most of 2007 was an adventure of sorts, thats for sure....

2008 ( 24 yrs ) - Which brings us to present day Amy. This year has had its ups and downs. Finishing my optical dispensing course = UP. The Mary Incident = DOWN. My best friends wedding and subsequent joy = UP. Slipping back into depression and having to see a pyschiatrist again = DOWN. Getting a payrise = UP. NOt hitting the town for a record 6 months straight = DOWN. Waiting to be an aunty for the second time = UP.

With two months left to go, who knows what could be in store ?

Burfday weekend rundown

So that, right there , is my beautiful sister Erin. Doesnt she look cute? The angle of the eyeborws looks slightly wicked, but thats how she is really. So, just in case any of you have been living under a rock, or reading my posts without actually understanding them, this past Friday was Erin's 18th birthday. I am slightly sad to say that the weekend was a bit of a bust for me, but very happy to say she partied hard and loved it all ( after all, her birthday is about HER, not me ). Let me explain:
I'd taken the day off work on Friday so that we could hang out - i thought it might be nice to share the whole day with her, plus the idea of a day off for any reason was appealing. So while she was having a facial and a massage i hit the gym, and then we met back at home so we could go out for lunch. Not just any lunch mind you, but " $10 Tradie Lunch ", the best invention in the world. Basically one of the local pub bistro's offer a choice of meal, plus a drink, for only $10. I had the best chicken carbonara EVER - seriously - and enjoyed the company of my mother, my sister and her best friend.

Next on the agenda ? Tattoo time! Now we all know that i have four tattoos ( you knew that, right ? ) but i think i started a trend in my family. Since i got my first one, my father and brother have both been inked, and now it was Erins turn. She had to wait, legally, until she turned 18 to get tattooed but, in a stroke of genius, she decided to ask my parents if she get a tattoo as a birthday present - that way she wouldnt have to pay for it. And they agreed - well done little Erin! So my father and I went with her, less for moral support and more so we could witness the looks of mild pain and agitation on her face as the job was being done. Does that make us nasty ? No, just family. The tattooist Paul is a sweet guy though so he was always enquiring whether she was doing okay, did she want to stop for a break, stretch her legs, things like that, so he didnt make to easy for us to get inside her head. Incidentally, in a brief taste of D-list fame, Paul holds the world record for the longest tattooing session ever ( 42 hours people ).... take that " Miami Ink" !

So after lunch, the tattoo session and the traditional gathering for birthday cake ( caramel mud cake... uh, yum.... ), the immediate family went out for dinner. Witness below the astonishing beauty that was us ( ahem... yea, right ):








So thats her and, uh, me posing for a happy snap before the dinner arrived. For the record, my garlic chicken and prawns was lovely, thank you for asking. The place we went for dinner is a balcony resturant above my favourite pub, so it has a great atmosphere and made it really easy to move on after dinner. My heavily pregnant sister-in-law, neice and my flu-ey father went home after we'd eaten, and myself, my mum, brother and little Erin headed downstairs. Friday nights are always a little bit of a bust - i'm glad she wasnt completely geared up for a huge night, because Fridays tend to be a little quiet and the problem with eating out before hitting the pub is that there is usally a period between the end of the meal and the point in the night where other people start turning up. That period is the one that gets you - you get bored waiting for some action to arrive, and if your a birthday girl who woke up really early and has been running around all day you start to get a little tired too. So we had a few quiet drinks and decided to head home around 10pm. Kind of an early time to be calling it an evening, but my brother had to work in the morning, my mum is NOT a party animal,and the birthday girl was happy to have been able to get a few drinks in with her nearest and dearets. Aww, bless.

Which leads me to Saturday:

Nevermind the fact that I look completely washed out in that photo ( if you could get closer I had really sweet gold eyeshadow and black liner... it was cute! ) but, for me, the night was a bit of a washout. I was really looking forward to it - my best friend P ( thats her in the dots ) was going to be home, it was going to be my sisters first big night out and my first big night out for 6 months. And for a while, it was great: P and I had a great dinner together and then joined my sister and some friends at the pub. We started having some drinks and got to dancing - god, how i missed pub dancing! - and it was all going great. And then code name Mary showed up. I cant believe i let her ruin my night. One minute i'm dancing a way, not a care in the world and the next there she is, shotting me the death stare.

Once i knew she was there, she was EVERYWHERE. Turns out she was one of Erins friends cousins, so after having a short toilet break, P and I returned to the dancefloor to find Mary dancing with our group. That was it - i could not be there and have her either giving me the evil eye or, alternatively, completely ignoring me and making me feel uncomfortable in my own group. Once P decided she was going to go, I couldnt stay on my own, even though my sister was there living it up. I gave her amy apologies and told her if Mary was going to be hanging around, i couldnt.My sister, in her 18 year old wisdom, loudly announced she'd throw a drink in Mary's face, her tell her to piss off, because its not fair that i should be made to feel that way. Knowing that if she did try any of that, the situation would only be worse, I made my exit.

I'm really cut at myself for letting her ruin my night. I'd been excited about celebrating with my sister for weeks and, on the actual night, i skulked home before midnight. All because some girl with apparent issues has some cold of emotional hold over me. My sister showed me all her photos in the morning, and excitedly told me about how the rest of the night went, and she had such a great time. It only made me feel worse for having missed out. So apparently i'm going to have to suck it up, and learn to ignore Mary - its just hard because i'm very non-confrontational, and i always feel that if i'm in " her " way too long, she's going to go off her nut again. My only other option is to pack up and move to some place she doesnt live. Poo to that, and poo to her!

And so endeth the burfday weekend adventures. Overall, i know my sister had a great weekend and thats all matters. Plus, my hair looked h-o-t on Friday and i had sexy shoes last night - beat that Mary!

At last....

Firstly, my apologies to everyone for my depressive rant in the last post. For anyone who doesnt know - and who hasnt figured it out yet - I actually do have depression ( its not just a little joke when i mention it... ) for which i take medication. However, sometimes the black dog rears its ugly head and i have a really bad depressive episode. This past weekend could be counted as said episode, and i barely feel in control during these moments, so ordinairly i would think twice about posting such a rant. So apologies for dumping it all on here, but many thanks to those of you who left kind and supportive comments. I could totally feel your bloggy-love...And now onto something way less intense. You know i love a good list, and you also know i love a good meme - so i'm creating both in one! Someone asked me yesterday what the last movie i saw was, which got me thinking about " lasts ". Last movie, last book, last purchase - all that good stuff. So i thought maybe i should make a record of some cool " lasts " thus sharing some more of myself with the rest of you. Brilliant idea you say? Yes, i know, its what i do. So:

Last three albums I bought:
" Pretty Odd " - Panic at the Disco
" The Odd Couple " - Gnarls Barkley
" Oracular Spectacular " - MGMT

Last three films I've watched:
" Hellboy 2: The Golden Army "- directed by Guillermo Del Toro
" Transformers " - directed by Michael Bay
" Baby Mama " - directed by Michael McCullers

Last three books I've read:
" On Chesil Beach" - Ian McEwan
" Long Way Down " - Nick Hornby
" Soul" - Tobsha Learner

Last day of high school :
I dont remember the exact date but it was some time during September of 2001. What i do remember is that i could not wait to get the hell out of there. We had a graduation ceremony - no hats, no robes, just full school uniform and the presentation of graduation certificates, and speeches by our school captains, school principal and year advisor. Kind of a snoozefest really. Even though i knew there was going to be a morning tea held afterward for the graduating students and their parents ( if they indeed attended ), as soon as that assembly was over I left. I could not stand to be in that institution one second longer than i technically had to be. Not that i hated school - I loved getting to hang out with my friends, and i didnt even mind the classes so much - i just didnt like the whole concept, the institution of " school " as it were, not by the end of it.

Last good home-cooked meal:
It was poached salmon with a yoghurt dill sauce on a bed of potatoes and cherry tomatoes, cooked by my father last Tuesday night. One word - delicious! And i know you're thinking that sounds pretty damned fancy for a home cooked meal but, frankly, my dad is quite the culinary whiz. He's not a trained chef or anything but he's just one of these people who can take a recipe, pull together the ingredients, and the meal will turn out exactly the way it looks in the cookbook. Almost always tastes pretty good too. I'll say this, my dad is a much better cook than my mum - i love her, bless her cotton socks, but she aint much of a cook unless its something fairly simple.

Last birthday you helped celebrate:
My dad's 47th, on April 25th. Seeing as my dad isnt real big on my making a fuss over himself, his birthdays are usually simple affairs. Put it this way - he says if any of us try and organise a suprise party for his 50th in a few years time he'll walk in, let us all yell " Suprise!!! " and then promptly take himself off to bed. And yes, he would totally do that, I have no doubt. Thats just the way he is ( and part of the reason i love him ). Anyhoo, so we just had the immediate family around for dinner, which my dad cooked ( yes, so very sad i know.... ) . I cant remember what he made for dinner but I was responsible for dessert -apricot cheesecake with macadamia crust. Don't salivate too hard . It might sound fancy but its pretty simple if you're the dessert Queen that i am. Any celebration or special occasion we have, i get called upon to make the sweets because, hey, its just what i do. Fathers Day this year ? My own cherry ripe concotion - chocolate mousse with blackcherries and coconut.

Last good vacation I went on:
Southeast Asia , last November. I spent three weeks tripping through Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand - completely awesome! If you search your way back through some of my old posts you can probably read a little of my adventures, but suffice to say I had some great fun touring around with 13 other people, all like minded, almost all fantastic ( i say almost all because we were saddled with two late 50-ish Brits who did nothing but complain). I got to experience some awesome culture , see some gorgeous sights, and eat some fantastic food! Seriously, you want some good, healthy, flavoursome food, hit up South East Asia. There is no better place to get Thai mussaman curry than in Thailand. Oh, and lookee here - thats me at Angkor Wat in Cambodia!!



Last " big " purchase:
So, for me, anything over about $200 is a big purchase. So, that being said, my last purchase over above this is my cute little HP Mini notebook. I've had it for a couple of months now and its serving me very well. Its nice and light and little ( just like i'd like to be... ), although the battery power doesnt last quite as long as i'd like. But no matter, its much better than my frightfully old school desktop that i was using ( and by old school, i mean its probably about 5 years old... ).

Last gift I bought:
My sisters birthday present. I was going to tell you what it is, but it has just occurred to me that she could possibly read this entry and find out. I'm about 99% sure she doesnt read my blog - firstly because she's always giving me crap about being on the computer so much, and secondly because she doesnt read, well, anything really - but even still, i hate for her to stumble upon it in the address bar drop down box and ruin the suprise. I will say that because its her 18th birthday its a special present. 18 is the legal drinking age here in Australia, so you're 18th is like a " coming of age " birthday. We're all going out for dinner and then my best friend and I are taking her to a few of the local pubs for the first time. I cannot wait to get her screaming drunk and hang over the next morning.... its going to be so sweet!

Last time I was lost for words:
I only have three words to answer this one - The Mary Incident.

And thats all, ladies and gents. I'm not going to tag anybody to do this meme ( although if I did, I'd tag Andy, Steph, Paula and Sheena :) ), so if you want to steal my idea and make your own" lasts " post then please feel free. I hope this has been much more enjoyable than my last entry - perhaps look forward to a " firsts " post in the future!

Meditating on friends, family and, uh.... meditation.

Ommmm #1: My mother and I went to a free meditation course on Saturday morning. Although its something I'm into, I really only went as moral support for my mum. Frankly, I'm not sure whether i enjoyed it or not, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going back. Now, I'm a pretty hippy-dippy person but this, this was a bit much. Firstly, it was recommended that when meditating at home you set up a candle next to a picture of the meditations teacher. Nope , not for me - thats like setting someone up as a God or a guru, and i dont do that. Secondly, when meditating you were supposed to be focusing on the divine feminine energy , or kundalini, within us all. Rather than quietly, inwardly, wordlessly focusing, we were supposed to be inwardly repeating affirmations, such as " Mother Kundalini, am i the spirit ? Mother Kundalini, I am the spirit ". See, once you give something a name and begin talking to it, its too much like praying for me. If there is one thing i dont do, its pray. So i think its safe to say that the mediation session was not for me. Which is not to say meditation itself is not for, just not this particular style.

Ommmm #2: My brother is so funny when he's pissy. He came round for dinner last night after having been at a bbq at a mates place all afternoon, and he'd had enough beer that he was in the state of " happiness " where you talk really fast, and you're face is kind of flushed and you find stuff really funny. We were playing a general knowledge trivia game and he's just blurting out the answers regardless of whether it was his turn or not. They werent the right answers, mind you - thats what made it funny. I think it might have answered maybe three questions correctly the whole game, but he never made it past the third square on the board. He kept landing on the " Move back three spaces " square, and having to go back to the start, every time expressing his mock disgust and saying how much this game sucked and we were all cheaters - and then bursting into laughter. Stupid, stupid, drunk child.

Ommmm #3: My two and half year old neice called me her " beautiful girl ". As in " Bye Aunty Amy, my beautiful girl! " Awwwwwwwwwww. Someone loves me.

Ommmmm #4: Remember the debacle with Mary and her sister? Her sister who was one of my best friends and that i felt completely betrayed by, to the point where I questioned the existence of the relationship in the future ? Yea, well I've hardly heard from her since she moved towns. She's been back a handful of times and she's promised each time " Hey, I'll come round and see you! ". And, each time, there has been an excuse and she hasnt shown up. This weekend just gone she was supposed to be back in town and we were going to go out for drinks and dance and guess what ? I didnt hear from her. Not even an " Oh, I cant make it excuse " - i just flat out didnt hear from her at all. Whatevs.

Ommmm #5: Today is Monday and tonight was the first night in two weeks that I have been to the gym. Frankly, I missed it. I'd been dying of the lurgy for almost a full two weeks and was just too tired and run down to do anything other than lie on my lounge reading a magazine or watching the Olympics ( gold everywhere for the Australians today..... boo yeah! ), so i didnt bother wrecking myself at the gym. But i really did miss the routine of it, and I have to admit i felt absolutely freaking fantastic after my workout tonight.

Everyone knows a woman glows more after a good workout, covered in sweat and cheeks flushed.....

Can i just ask why? Seriously - why ?

My sister, my flatmate, is away tonight, babysitting with a friend. She was away last night aswell, which means i have had the two weekend nights by myself with nothing to do. Last night was ok - i watched some trashy reality TV ( i know two people on the current rotation of Australian Big Brother! ), read a magazine, and generally just hung around by myself. But i didnt want to do that tonight. I didnt want to be stuck in the house, a 24 year old woman home alone doing absolutely nothing on a Saturday night. I knew that there was a local derby of rugby union on, last years installment of which i really enjoyed. But who was i going to go with ? I've got nobody - not just nobody interested in the rugby, but just flat out nobody. So you know what i did? I sucked it up. As the rugby boys would say, the cure for all your troubles is to take a cup of cement and harden the fuck up. So thats what i did - branched out, and i rocked up to the game on my own.



I didnt start out too badly. I found a few people that i know, not exactly friends but acquaintances, and ended up sitting next to a teenage boy who happens to be friends with my sister. He's a sweetheart - a real goose, but a sweetie. But then he had to rush off home and i was left sitting with these kind-of, sort-of friends, all of whom had other people there that they were more interested in talking to rather than me. But that was kind of ok too - i didnt really mind taking in the football whilst only getting the occasional one line of conversation from someone. It was going well. Sure, i still felt a little awkward, but it was better than being at home by myself.



But then Mary showed up, and i internally fell apart. You remember Mary right ? Yes, well in she trots with two of her friends, done up to the nines, completely inappropriately dressed for a rugby match. Yes, she is probably going out after the game and was saving herself some time by getting dressed for the evening before the game instead of after, but i digress. So she saunters on down, walking right past me as i was sitting in the aisle, and doesnt say a word. She smiles, and laughs, and sits next to a guy who i thought was a mutaul friend of ours. However, seeing as he also saw me, looked directly at me numerous times in fact, and also didnt say anything, i'm thinking maybe he is not my friend anymore. But, again i digress. I cant believe it. What was she doing there? The rugby is my thing, she's never even mentioned a slight interest in it before, and here she is on the night when i am trying to do myself a favour, showing up to " my " thing, looking better and happier and more confident than me.

Thats when i lost it, on the inside. It was going alright when it was just me, there, watching footy and just being with other people, regardless of lack of conversation. But now it was me, and the girl/woman who shattered part of me, and she was living it up. Suddenly i felt like i was completely alone in a crowd of people, people who loved Mary and thought i was a loser. At half time i made a quick escape, whilst the two acquaintances i was sitting near were having a smoke, so i wouldnt need to make an excuse for why i was leaving. I bought some dinner and headed to my parents place. I was in need of company and didnt i promise in an earlier post that i would make an effort, i would tell someone when i was upset or hurting? And guess what? They werent there. I pull up and let myself in to a dark, empty house.

Just like dark, empty me. So contrary to my best efforts, i have spent the last 3 hours of Saturday night lying on my lounge, under a blanket, willing myself not to cry and trying to turn my mind off.

Its not working....