My sister, my flatmate, is away tonight, babysitting with a friend. She was away last night aswell, which means i have had the two weekend nights by myself with nothing to do. Last night was ok - i watched some trashy reality TV ( i know two people on the current rotation of Australian Big Brother! ), read a magazine, and generally just hung around by myself. But i didnt want to do that tonight. I didnt want to be stuck in the house, a 24 year old woman home alone doing absolutely nothing on a Saturday night. I knew that there was a local derby of rugby union on, last years installment of which i really enjoyed. But who was i going to go with ? I've got nobody - not just nobody interested in the rugby, but just flat out nobody. So you know what i did? I sucked it up. As the rugby boys would say, the cure for all your troubles is to take a cup of cement and harden the fuck up. So thats what i did - branched out, and i rocked up to the game on my own.
I didnt start out too badly. I found a few people that i know, not exactly friends but acquaintances, and ended up sitting next to a teenage boy who happens to be friends with my sister. He's a sweetheart - a real goose, but a sweetie. But then he had to rush off home and i was left sitting with these kind-of, sort-of friends, all of whom had other people there that they were more interested in talking to rather than me. But that was kind of ok too - i didnt really mind taking in the football whilst only getting the occasional one line of conversation from someone. It was going well. Sure, i still felt a little awkward, but it was better than being at home by myself.
But then Mary showed up, and i internally fell apart. You remember Mary right ? Yes, well in she trots with two of her friends, done up to the nines, completely inappropriately dressed for a rugby match. Yes, she is probably going out after the game and was saving herself some time by getting dressed for the evening before the game instead of after, but i digress. So she saunters on down, walking right past me as i was sitting in the aisle, and doesnt say a word. She smiles, and laughs, and sits next to a guy who i thought was a mutaul friend of ours. However, seeing as he also saw me, looked directly at me numerous times in fact, and also didnt say anything, i'm thinking maybe he is not my friend anymore. But, again i digress. I cant believe it. What was she doing there? The rugby is my thing, she's never even mentioned a slight interest in it before, and here she is on the night when i am trying to do myself a favour, showing up to " my " thing, looking better and happier and more confident than me.
Thats when i lost it, on the inside. It was going alright when it was just me, there, watching footy and just being with other people, regardless of lack of conversation. But now it was me, and the girl/woman who shattered part of me, and she was living it up. Suddenly i felt like i was completely alone in a crowd of people, people who loved Mary and thought i was a loser. At half time i made a quick escape, whilst the two acquaintances i was sitting near were having a smoke, so i wouldnt need to make an excuse for why i was leaving. I bought some dinner and headed to my parents place. I was in need of company and didnt i promise in an earlier post that i would make an effort, i would tell someone when i was upset or hurting? And guess what? They werent there. I pull up and let myself in to a dark, empty house.
Just like dark, empty me. So contrary to my best efforts, i have spent the last 3 hours of Saturday night lying on my lounge, under a blanket, willing myself not to cry and trying to turn my mind off.
Its not working....
My body confidence story
4 hours ago