It was dark when i started looking for myself. Ordinarily you wouldnt conduct a search in the dark but, with me, it was the best ( and only ) place to start. Truth be told i had been in the darkness so long that had a light appeared and shone itself directly in my face i would have shyed away from what it might illuminate, and slunk back into the comfortable black i knew so well. I was afraid – i wouldnt have copped to it then, but i can admit to it now. I was afraid – of having to see, of having to know. At least in the dark i could pretend. I could ignore what might really be there, and imagine a whole other, different, BETTER world for myself. Its just that, one day, i realised i was tired of playing pretend. So very, very tired. I couldnt pretend anymore, i couldnt keep up the pretence of “ normal “, i couldnt keep being a “ me “ that wasnt really me at all. So i was tired, that much i knew. The only other thing i knew for sure is that i DIDNT know who i was anymore. I DIDNT know who i was, or where “ I “ might be. And what do you do when you dont know where something is ? You start looking – just, ordinarily, you don’t start in the dark....
Thoughts?
very intriguing... enjoyed the play of words.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is something that you're currently experiencing but I got every single word. I know what it is like to lose yourself and I can tell you that while it is a terrible feeling, you truly aren't lost. You are still in there, you just have to deal with the emotions that are hiding you. You'll get to you again. I promise you that ;)
ReplyDeleteI think being a mother make one lost. I know I was when my kids were younger. I wish I would have done more for me when they were younger. I totally understood this post.
ReplyDeleteHow can it be that we have never met but think the same things??? You have put in to words things that I have never been able to..until now!
ReplyDeleteI still have goosebumps...
xx
Yes. This is really really great.
ReplyDeleteOkay, it's a bit harder to judge as it's out of context but the writing is superb. :)
ReplyDeletegoosebumps. You've put into words what many more feel but don't say
ReplyDelete