Thursday, November 11, 2010

Go Now, Into The Light

I have just come from the funeral of the schoolmate i mentioned here.

I cried - i cried tears of empathy for his mother and the mother of his children, both whom were shuddering with big, animalistic sobs. I cried tears of grief for his children, who will grow up without a daddy. And i cried tears of happiness for myself, that somewhere inside i found the strength that he could not, and escaped the same fate.

And i was ashamed. Who cries for themselves at a funeral? I have every empathy for his family, even more so that i am now a mother, and each moan that escaped his mothers body broke my heart. My own parents have had to bury a child, so i have some understanding of how much strength it would have taken for her to stand in front of everyone and place loved possessions on her sons coffin. I hate that they have so many unanswered questions, and that they'll never get the chance to have them answered, except when posed hypothetically. I cried tears for all of that, for their heartbreak and their grief and their anger. Yet, mostly, i cried for myself. Everytime suicide was mentioned my thoughts turned to how close i came to that decision, and the lyrics of the songs his family chose to farewell their son, brother and friend brought me further undone.

I didnt attend the internment - i felt i didnt have a close enough relationship to be at this more intimate rite of a funeral, and that my presence at the funeral ceremony was enough to show my respect. Instead, i drove straight home and gave my son the biggest hug i could muster, and sent Mick a message telling him how much i love him. Its all i could do and i hope, in case of dire circumstance, it will be enough....


  1. A big baby hug sure can brighten a sad day. Your post brought me to tears... can't wait for my little one to wake up for a feel good cuddle.

  2. I'm so sorry about your friend Amy. I think your reaction sounds normal to me. Funerals remind us that we are alive and even more so in situations like this where we have experienced that blackness but came out on the other side. It reminds us of what might have been *hugs*

  3. Baby hugs are so healing aren't they?!
    It is totally ok that it evoked feelings of gladness for your head being above the water, it's a good thing that you made it through ;)
    It's always a shame to hear of funerals of suicide victims, and the crowd they drew....if only the victim knew how many lives they touched

  4. I think it is completely normal to think of yourself and your own family when attending a funeral. We all deal handle death and grief differently. At the last funeral I went to I found myself crying inconsolably... but I was there to support my sister, I didn't really know the deceased - but I cried for him and then for all the people there, and then, yes, for myself.