Monday, March 11, 2013

That Old Feeling

I think its been pretty well chronicled here that I've had a few platonic relationships go sour over the last few years. Its left me feeling alienated and sometimes sad but, more than anything, quite lonely at times. Though I'm back in a better place with my ex-best friend, that circle of four best friends that I used to be quite firmly in is now only a circle of three, and I'm not in it. I keep thinking that I've come to terms with that but I haven't - I'm still, on occasion, quietly grieving the loss of that tight circle of girlfriends and, though I know I can never go back in time to when it was all perfect, I often wish that I could.

I think i do a pretty good job at keeping a lid on things.... But then there are those times like Sunday morning when it all comes bubbling up. One of those girls was having her 30th birthday party this Saturday just gone. I was, happily, invited but I couldn't afford to travel over to the town she was having it in. I was torn.... I really would love to have gone, to get out of my house and out to something fun, but deep inside I knew that even if I did go I wouldn't have fit in anymore. The fact that I couldn't afford to go just made that internal struggle a bit less intense as the decision to go or not was essentially made for me. I sent the birthday girl a text message Saturday evening, hoping she was having a good time and apologising again that I couldn't be there.

Then there was Sunday morning... And the resulting photos on Facebook. There was that old feeling, that pang of jealousy, that wish that 'they' were an 'us' again. And then there was the photo of the three of them, looking beautiful, smiling and happy, captioned as ' besties '.... And that was too much. I sat in the dark with Tully on my lap and bawled my eyes out. Sometimes that loneliness just gets too overwhelming....

Seeing as its Tuesday, you can find this post linked up at IBOT over at EssentiallyJess....




14 comments:

  1. *sigh* I have had similar feelings towards a group of friends I am not 'in' with anymore.. its hard. to loose such good friends and then wish that you could have it back, but know that it would never be the same.. like getting back with an ex-boyfriend.. I do hope you have some new friends in your town that you become best buddies with!

    #teamibot was here to say hello! - New liker of your page! :)

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    1. I'm working on making some new friends, but I don't think I'll ever have that super-close female relationship again...

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  2. Sorry to hear you had such a horrible weekend . I had a similar experience on Saturday morning, and found out I was not invited to a friend's husband's party, in face we were the only couple, NOT invited from about 8 we have all socialised with for 6 or so years. It's not the first time it has happened but I still have no idea why we weren't invited, I saw this person just two weeks ago and things were fine, I haven't rocked the boat or anything. Usually I would be devastate but for some reason I just accepted that it was done on purpose and for a reason. I won't bring it up until I see this person in person but it's made me realise she does not consider me the friend I consider her. Life can be a very lonely place for sure. I'm just grateful I have a more genuine group of friends I connect with so don't feel this loss as greatly. Hugs, x

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    1. That's the thing that devastated me so much - the not knowing. when my best-friendship fell apart she accused me of things and blamed things on me and said things about me that went back years.... And that whole time I'd had no idea she felt that way. That was the hardest part - not ever having known and then not getting any chance to make up for things because it was too Kate.

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  3. It doesn't matter how old we get, I don't think you ever shake some of those school girl insecurities about who is 'in' and who isn't - and how your position might reflect where you are in life right now. Friendships always evolve though - sometimes for the better, but sometimes it can be hugely liberating to just let go. I have to say though, Facebook doesn't help! Hopefully the closing of some friendship doors will mean the opening of some new ones. x

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  4. Oh Amy, I'm so sorry! It's awful when relationships turn out like that, but particularly when you have to see it all on Facebook too.
    Hopefully you have a new bestie waiting just around the corner for you to meet xx

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    1. Thanks Jess! Didn't mean to have such a pity party for IBOT....

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  5. I'm sorry you didn't get to go to your party Amy, but it sounds like those girls don't deserve to have you as their friend.

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    1. Don't get me wrong - if I had Ben able to go we would have talked, and laughed and whatnot, it just wouldn't have been the 'same'....

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  6. Oh mate, I know that feeling way too well. There is nothing to say really, as only time can start to heal the wounds, and a lot of time at that. If I could come and give you a massive hug and take you out for a chocolate feast right now I would. But you'll have to settle for some massive cyber hugs and know that while its definitely not the same, we'll always be here online for you.

    XxXxXxX

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    1. I'll take a cyber hug...and I gots my own chocolate, so all is good!

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  7. ohh..I know that feelings. I have been traveling too much, moved between three country in 3 years and sometimes I look on Facebook and there will be new pictures of old besties hang out, I sometimes feel left out. But you know life goes on. Many people will come across your path and there are reasons why they don't stay in your life. Cheers girl :)

    Rina
    www.cutecoconut.com

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  8. Oh I'm sorry about this Amy :-(
    I have a really good friend that I'm really out of contact with and I saw a pic of her on FB today and I realised that she doesn't even know I have a blog. I'ts become so important to me and all my other friends know, I felt just awful and sad.
    Hugs hugs hugs.
    On a lighter note, DID YOU GET MY PARCEL? Hope so!!!

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