Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Go Now, Into The Light

I have just come from the funeral of the schoolmate i mentioned here.

I cried - i cried tears of empathy for his mother and the mother of his children, both whom were shuddering with big, animalistic sobs. I cried tears of grief for his children, who will grow up without a daddy. And i cried tears of happiness for myself, that somewhere inside i found the strength that he could not, and escaped the same fate.

And i was ashamed. Who cries for themselves at a funeral? I have every empathy for his family, even more so that i am now a mother, and each moan that escaped his mothers body broke my heart. My own parents have had to bury a child, so i have some understanding of how much strength it would have taken for her to stand in front of everyone and place loved possessions on her sons coffin. I hate that they have so many unanswered questions, and that they'll never get the chance to have them answered, except when posed hypothetically. I cried tears for all of that, for their heartbreak and their grief and their anger. Yet, mostly, i cried for myself. Everytime suicide was mentioned my thoughts turned to how close i came to that decision, and the lyrics of the songs his family chose to farewell their son, brother and friend brought me further undone.

I didnt attend the internment - i felt i didnt have a close enough relationship to be at this more intimate rite of a funeral, and that my presence at the funeral ceremony was enough to show my respect. Instead, i drove straight home and gave my son the biggest hug i could muster, and sent Mick a message telling him how much i love him. Its all i could do and i hope, in case of dire circumstance, it will be enough....

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Find Your Peace


I made my way out of the darkness once, fighting through thunder and lightning til i could ride the winds of change all the way to the safety of shore....
Some people arent as lucky. I recieved news yesterday that a school friend has taken his own life, after a struggle with depression stemming from a relationship break up. He's left behind two small children and, presumably, a broken hearted family. This boy(man ) was always so confident at school and, truth be told, i had a little crush on him. We werent great mates and we didnt share any classes, but he was the cute-but-naughty boy that all the girls thought was a bit of a hottie.Even though we were never close friends, it really hits home how lucky i am that i found the strength and courage to fight through my depression and break free of it.

I wish he could have done the same. He is the third classmate of mine to commit suicide. Three young men, all dead at their own hand, in 10 years. As far as i'm concerned, thats three too many over the course of a lifetime, let alone three missing before we've even had a chance to have a high school reunion. And what for? What struggles were they fighting against? What support was lacking? Its too late now to answer these questions but i cant help but wonder.... if they had the support i had, the family to rally around, to understand the mental health issues or emotional battles, would they still be here?

If i am able, i will attend his funeral next week. Like i said, we werent close friends and i wouldnt know his family if i tripped over them, but i feel its the right way to pay tribute to the fun, cheeky, bright spirit i remember from school and put to rest the broken spirit that has hopefully, in death, found some peace....


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Long Way Down

So i've just finished one of the best books i've had the pleasure of reading in a long time - " Long Way Down " by Nick Hornby ( an no, SvD, the title does not refer to The Goo Goo Dolls song of the same name ). If you have never read Nick Hornby ( Do you know the films " High Fidelity " " Fever Pitch " or " About a Boy " ? Adaptations of his novels ), you are totally missing out. The man is a genius. He's able to write with such wit and humour that, at times, i really am laughing out loud; yet he manages to instill such emotional sincerity into his writing that i just want to dive right in and actually know the characters, be with them, BE them.

In the case of " Long Way Down " i actually WAS them, at least for a while. And maybe not on the same scale. See, " Long Way Down " is basically about four suicidal people who meet on a roof top, on New Years Eve, right before they had planned on throwing themselves off. Before ending it all. Before pulling the plug. But instead of offing themselves they end up having an awkward conversation and the rest of the book is about how they find some of themselves by having found each other. Its funny, and sad, and uplifting, and depressing and, for me, entirely relatable. So i never actually made it up to the top floor of a building, or found myself sitting in the bath with a razor within reach, or even curled up in bed with a bottle of pills on the bedside table .... but i thought about it. A lot. All of the time. So, reading the book, which is written from the four main characters points of view, in turn, i could read what each was saying and go " yep, totally been there " ; " yep, completely understand that "; " yep, that is so funny, i used to think the same thing! ". It was like a wake up call - i USED to be like that. Things seem like shite sometimes now, but they arent as bad as they were. On pretty much every page, or at least once or twice a chapter, there was something that i would read that would make me feel... something. Whether good or bad. But the point is, it made me feel.

I would love for all of you to read it. You'd be doing yourself a favour - like i said, Nick Hornby is genius, and then you go and read " High Fidelity " and fall in love with Rob and his music obsession, and then you could watch the movie version which is the best film adaptation of a book i've seen. But for now, i'll just share with you three excerpts from " Long Way Down " that i held onto:

On the way the world works - " It's just life. One person bumps into another person, and that person wants something, or knows someone else who wants something, and, as a result, things happen. Or, to put it another way, if you dont go out, and never meet anyone, the nothing happens. How can it ? "
( How many people have tried telling me that ? )

On seeing someone actually jump from the roof while they ( the four main characters ) were trying to have a reunion meeting - " .... Firstly, he made us realise that we weren't capable of killing ourselves. And secondly, this information made us suicidal again "
( That one in particular applied to me.... )

One of the characters, during her first ever plane trip - " And you probably also know that when you look out of an aeroplane window and see the world shrink like that, you cant help but think about the whole of your life, from the beginning until where you are now, and everyone you've ever known. And you'll know that thinking about those things makes you feel grateful to God for providing them, and angry with Him for not helping you to understand them better, and so you end up in a terrible muddle.... I don't know how these jet-set people who have to fly once or twice a year cope, i really dont. "
( I'm not much on God, but its the sentiment i can relate to.....)