Find Your Peace

Image from here

I made my way out of the darkness once, fighting through thunder and lightning til i could ride the winds of change all the way to the safety of shore....

Some people arent as lucky. I recieved news yesterday that a school friend has taken his own life, after a struggle with depression stemming from a relationship break up. He's left behind two small children and, presumably, a broken hearted family. This boy(man ) was always so confident at school and, truth be told, i had a little crush on him. We werent great mates and we didnt share any classes, but he was the cute-but-naughty boy that all the girls thought was a bit of a hottie.Even though we were never close friends, it really hits home how lucky i am that i found the strength and courage to fight through my depression and break free of it.

I wish he could have done the same. He is the third classmate of mine to commit suicide. Three young men, all dead at their own hand, in 10 years. As far as i'm concerned, thats three too many over the course of a lifetime, let alone three missing before we've even had a chance to have a high school reunion. And what for? What struggles were they fighting against? What support was lacking? Its too late now to answer these questions but i cant help but wonder.... if they had the support i had, the family to rally around, to understand the mental health issues or emotional battles, would they still be here?

If i am able, i will attend his funeral next week. Like i said, we werent close friends and i wouldnt know his family if i tripped over them, but i feel its the right way to pay tribute to the fun, cheeky, bright spirit i remember from school and put to rest the broken spirit that has hopefully, in death, found some peace....



The Big 4-0-0

Hello and welcome to this, the 400th post here at New Adventures In Dreamworld. I'm your host Amy, and here is what on tonights agenda:
* An explanation
* A smile
*And a thankyou.

The explanation - you may have noticed that my regular weekly weigh in is missing tonight. It is partly because today is my special 400th post, but also because i didnt weigh or measure myself today. Shock!Horror! I wont lie - i was really bloody disheartened with last weeks result and then Mick tells me today that he's lost 3kgs...and he's not even trying. It all just seems really unfair - granted i havent been overly strict but i HAVE been trying, purposely eating less and exercising that little bit more. And i'm just not going anywhere. Its not like i'm completely disgusted by my body, and nor am i morbidly obese, i'd just really, really, REALLY like to lose at least those 8kgs i mentioned before. And its just not happening. I may have to investigate Tony Ferguson or some other weight loss aid type of thing. What do you think? Had anybody had any succes with those?
The smile - Gawd i love my baby! Since we've come back from Tresillian its like he's a completely new child. Yea, he's a champion sleeper now but he's also much more smiley and snuggly, and less clingy and sooky. I've completely fallen in love with him all over again - its beautiful to watch him playing and learning and then see him look up and crack this big, huge smile as if to say " Look at me Mum! Look what i can do! ". Its gorgeous. With only 2 months til his 1st birthday, i'm relishing these last days of his " babyhood ". Everyday seems to bring with it a new trick, and a new smile...
The thankyou -  to you reader people! Ok, so only one of you made a suggestion of what you'd like to see more of ( thanks Hayley! ) and no-one suggested a topic for this post, but you guys are here most other times and, most importantly, here when i really need you. It might be selfish to say but without the comments and support from my followers i dont think i'd love blogging as much - i enjoy the writing aspect ( i always have ) but its the sense of community that keeps me coming back. So thanks guys - hope you stick around to help me reach the big 5-0-0!

Wa, Wa, Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

So - i've had an ( emotional ) rollercoaster couple of days. I'm not going to into details and dont fret yourselves because it hasnt been anything major, just petty little arguments and missed opportunities juxtaposed against great lunchtime catch ups, beautiful snuggles and big belly laughs. Amongst it all, i have noticed that this will be my 399th post....oh how time flies! It feels like yesterday i was back at 14 followers and 300 posts and now, here we are, one away from the 4-0-0. And only 7 away from the magic 100 followers!

So my question is this - what would you like to see as my 400th post? What would you like more of around here ? I secretly aspire to be more like someone such as Lori at Random Ramblings Of A Stay At Home Mum but am unfortunately not possessed of the writing talent to reach the lofty heights of her fame ( man, oh man, if only someone offered me the chance to interview someone from Sesame Street! I'm still way jealous of you Miss Lori... ). With that in mind, leave ideas for my 400th post or things you'd like to see more of in the comments section!

Operation Slimdown, Mach 2 - Week 5

This week sucks. I hate this weeks guts. If it were a person, i'd want to talk trash about it and maybe kick it in the throat. How bout we dispense with the small talk and just look at the stats?
Weight - 77.2 kgs. Up 600g ( so there goes the 500g i lost last week )
Bust - 100.5cm. Up a whopping 3.5cm. This may because i'm pre-menstrual ( TMI? ) and could be helped along by a better bra than other weeks...
Waist - 85.5cm. Up 3cm.
Hips - 104.5cm. Up 1.5cm.
Butt - 109cm. No change ( suprised? )
Thigh - 67cm. Up 0.5cm

How is that even possible? How can i only go up 600g - which could be water retention seeing as i drank around 1.2l of water before my weigh in - but have my measurements go up so dramatically? I'm not going to lie - its really, REALLY, freaking disheartening. I didnt do as much exercise as i would like last week because of the crappy weather ( cant take a baby for a walk in the rain ) and Sunday was a big bbq lunch for my sisters birthday ( and i've got another one this Sunday for my brothers birthday ). I'm just so disappointed.... in the past i've found it easier than this to lose weight. It never came off super quickly but it came off consistently. This non-consistent crap? This sucks.

My only consolation is i think my Zumba dvds are waiting for me at the post office, so i can definately get some more exercise in this week, regardless of the stupid weather, and i'm already drinking more water during the day at work. For now ? I'm going to go cry into a bowl of ice-cream and climb back up on the stupid, rickety, diet bandwagon tomorrow...

Hi Ho, Hi Ho....

... its off to work i go! Oh yes, tomorrow will be my first day back at work after 11 months of maternity leave. I am about 10% looking forward to it and 90% not wanting it to happen.
I dont want to leave my Flynny.
I dont want to miss his first steps ( seriously, i reckon he's a month away from walking.. )
I dont want him to get upset because i'm not there with him.
I dont want to go back to work and have to re-learn all the crap i've forgotten since i left ( i think i'm going to have to read the manual that I wrote for my co-workers last year! )
I dont want to have to deal with the state manager that i just cannot stand.
I dont want to deal with rude and obnoxious customers when i could be spending quality time with my son.

But, most of all, i dont want to be broke....and thats why i'm going back to work. 3 days, 9am-5am, is the minimum amount of work i can do to get paid enough to cover our bills and, combined with Micks wages, leave us enough to live comfortably. Some weeks, maybe, not even comfortably - just to make ends meet. So even though i'm not looking forward to it, even though i'll miss my little bubba and i might miss one of his huge milestones ( and i'll be incredibly upset and guilty if that does happen ... ) i recognise that i HAVE to go back to work, for the good of my family. Its that whole unselfish, sacrificing mother thing - despite what i really would like to do, i know that sucking it up and just getting in there and doing is going to be what benefits us most.
Lets just hope i can last more than a week before i get the shits with someone....

The Seven Stages

I dont know if its common knowledge or not, but apparently there are 7 stages of grieving for a human being.
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and frusturation
4. Depression and reflection
5. The " upward " turn
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance

Strangely, after the "break up " with my best friend, i find myself going through these stages. No-one has died, yet i still feel grief for a relationship lost. Is that weird? And do you know where i think i'm up to?
3. Anger and Frusturation - Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else . This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. Yes, after all these years of being meek and mild, of being the kind of person who dislikes confrontation, who can find the good in most people, i've finally arrived at "angry ". I'm not exactly wanting to " lay unwarranted blame " because as far as i'm concerned it takes two to tango ( so they say ). I am at the stage where i have confronted the accusations thrown at me and come to accept that even if i dont understand where they have come from, i do understand that they are real to her, and i have accepted responsibility for that. However, i have also looked back on the past few years of relationship and have had the clarity to see all those little things i missed, those signs that i was on the outer....and i feel stupid. I feel like i've been lead on and played for a fool, and that makes me both sad and angry. Sad that i missed them all and i could have saved myself this heartache, if only i werent so trusting; and angry that i could have been treated that way by someone who once, supposedly, loved me.And angry, too, that she can't or wont "own " how she's made me feel.
And yes, its time for the release of bottled up emotion. But i wont do that here, and i wont do it to her face ( partly because i dont want to cause any more trouble, and partly because i have no line of communication with her anymore ). No, i do it in the shower, like all good women. In the shower i'm free to talk under the sound of the water, to whisper all those words i'd like to say, to let out the feelings that have been dragging me down the last few weeks, and to cry and cry and cry, and let the water wash away any evidence of my tears.
In the shower i can be naked, physically and emotionally, and i can let.It.Out. I just wonder how much longer til i reach the seventh stage and i can let it all go....

Operation Slimdown, Mach 2 - Week 4

Ah, weigh in day. Somehow i manage to simulataneously love and loathe you. Love - because i'm kind of excited to see how i've gone over the week. Loathe - because i'm afraid of what i'm going to find!

I cant say that this week has been particularly good, or bad for that matter. I've exercised, but havent pushed myself to my limits; i've eaten healthy food but probably too much of them; i drank more water than usual but still not enough. I've looked forward to exercising each day which i suppose is a start, but each session bar two this week has been pretty easy. I did my weekly Zumba class and loved it, and i found this was the one session where i really gave it everything and worked up a good sweat. I think its easier to go hard when your doing an activity you enjoy. With that in mind i tried a half hour Zumba session on DVD that my sister had burned for me, but it was an advanced power workout, and i gave up halfway through because i didnt know what i was doing and just felt overwhelmed. However, i have just last night purchased myself the full 4 DVD Zumba beginners set ( for $25, on http://www.oztion.com.au/ ..... take that Danoz Direct, you ripoff merchants! ) and plan on doing some Zumba 5 days a week. If i can convince Mick to let me use the one tv in our house for a little while on the weekends....

So, onto the important stuff - the numbers!
Weight - 76.6kgs. A loss of 500g. Again, not an overly awesome result, and i'm a little disappointed that it wasnt more but a loss is a loss...
Bust - 97cm. Down 0.5cm
Waist - 82.5cm. Down 1.5cm. Maybe all that twisting at Zumba is starting to pay off around the midsection!
Hips - 103cm. Up 0.5cm. Hmmm....
Bum - 109cm. Up 1cm. What the?
Thigh - 66.5cm. No change.

So, we can see that apparently i am turning into some kind of Kim Kardashian clone. What is up with that? How can i lose a little from the top and gain a little on the bottom ? Maybe all the fat from the middle just slipped down a bit, but whatever is going on it has me worried about the near development of a bubble butt. So, onto next week which will see me back at work 3 days a week. I kind of see that as a plus because it means i'll definately be drinking more water ( i keep a 1L bottle on my desk and sip during the day ) and less opportunities to make bad snack decisions. That is, i can only snack once ( on my 10 minute break ) and i can only snack on what i've brought from home, so if i pack myself a nice piece of fruit or a tub of yoghurt i cant be tempted by chocolate or a yummy piece of peanut buttery toast because they wont be there!
Tune in again next week to see how well i go during week one back from maternity leave....