Friday, December 7, 2007

The definition of me

So i know almost everyone in the entire universe uses Facebook, so you know what i mean when i start talking about applications. I receive so many application invitations that sometimes i just add something and then completely forget about it for weeks. And so it has been with the " Define Me " application - at some unknown point i added it and it wasnt until this afternoon that i re-discovered it. Basically its an application that allows your friends to add words, anonymously, that they would use to describe you.

This is a somewhat strange concept - firstly because its anonymous so i generally have no idea which person thinks what about me, but secondly because of what they have written. Thus far i only have a small pool of words, but here is how people have chosen to describe me:
2. Tough
3. Cool
5. Happy

Reliable i am happy to go with - i think thats fairly spot on. Its just how i've been raised. Cool i am pretty sure has come from one of my good friends, who actually, truely, really believes that i am, in fact, cool; or someone on my list who barely knows me at all and just couldnt think of anything more descriptive to write. Fun i think would go along the same lines.

It is the tough and the happy part that has me in a spin. It has intrigued me that someone out there thinks that i am tough. I'm not sure whether they mean in an emotional context or in a " she could totally kill you if the urge took her " kind of way. I'm more of a lover than a fighter so i'm working on the emotional conotation of the word. Ami tough ? I dont think i would describe myself as such, at least not right now. One day i would love for someone, perhaps the man that i love, to describe me as " fierce " - independent, proud, confident and all woman - but that time is not right now. In fact, some days i think it wouldnt take much more than the worng word to make me crumble. For someone to say, or imply, the wrong and all my bravado would completely fall away and i'd just be that empty shell again. At least one night a week i ponder my present situation, and question the future, and that brings me to tears. That is not tough. Perhaps if you c0nsider that i am no longer in the depths of depression, that i no longer want the earth to swallow me up, that i no longer have thoughts of killing myself on a daily basis, that i've beaten all that then, yes, perhaps you could describe me as tough. But personally, its something i aspire to, i just dont see it yet.

And happy ? I think i'm getting there, i'm still working on it and certainly on a day to day basis i'm one of the cheerier people you'll meet ( or at least my co-workers tell as they drain cups of coffee to kick start themselves.... ) but it makes me both oddly concerned and weirdly proud that someone would describe me as happy. Proud that someone would see me that way, because its something that i stuggled with for so longer and perhaps some light of happiness is beginning to show through; but also concerned because there are, as i've just said, moments of supreme sadness, lonliness, and isolation and nobody see them. That concerns me, because thats how i fell into the black hole in the first place. Everyone thought i was ok and really i was hiding my shit away from them all. I think for the most part i AM happy, or at least the majority of the time, its just those dark moments i still need to conquer that keeping me from being the true epitome of the word.

I guess this whole post was just me questioning what others think of me - or perhaps i might be questioning the way i think of myself ?


  1. I don't think you should kill yourself. It's just never a very good idea, unless perhaps you're Adolf Hitler sitting in a bunker with the Russians closing in on you. Then it might be a better idea than being taken alive.

    Do you know why you are unhappy?

  2. "moments supreme sadness, loneliness, and isolation and nobody sees them"

    Hun, the trick is to tell people. Or go ahead and look really grumpy. Putting on a happy face when you aren't is a sure fire way to make you think people in your life don't care about you. Meanwhile, you're not giving them a chance to!

    Ahem --- my two cents worth!

    PS: I HATE those apps! I hate them so much! I recently said in my status;

    "OFFS! Listen here you fucking idiots who are still sending me add apps invites! I don't want them. It's too time consuming to click IGNORE every time I get them."

    They have slowed down somewhat although the area few idiots who still send them.

  3. Richard - never fear, i dont want to kill myself anymore. I suffered from depression and social anxiety disorder through my altes teens til about 21. As you can see i still have days or small moments of sadness, but there are no suicidal tendencies anymore.

    Bridget - i know, like i said hiding my feelings was part of the reason i ended up with depression in the first place. And i think my random yet consistent dark moments stem more from frusturation than some deep rooted sadness. Rest assured though that i am working on things as best i can!

  4. Its not often that one gets you use nice little sayings, but nothing rings true better than this one:
    Happiness is a journey NOT a destination, enjoy the ride.

    Don't try to get there so bad, that will wear you down.

  5. Well, I'm as pleased as punch that you're not suicidal anymore.

    But if you like we can role play.

    You can pretend to be Adolf Hitler and I can be a Russian. And then I'd grab you and tell you that I forgive you anyway. And then we can see what happens next...

    Okay, I'm rambling. :-D

  6. Since when am I not the first to comment? best I get my act together.


    Beautiful post, Miss Wells. Dark days are designed for good writing, I'm sure of it.

  7. Apparently they are, which actually kind of sucks, dont you think ?