Monday, September 29, 2008

The A-B-C of A-M-Y

Aah, another gloriously stolen post idea! Once you start reading, its kind of self-explanatory, so, go ahead, read on....

A. Attached or single ? Eternally single, but if you read this blog you already knew that.

B.Best friend ? P - i've written about her before. She's been my best friend since our last few years of high school, and i only wish we got to hang out more. Its not that easy, what with her newly married status, and the fact that we live almost five hours drive apart, but somehow we make it work.

C.Cake or pie ? Hmm, i'm going to go with pie on this one. I love me some chocolate mudcake but, if it came down to it, i might pick some decadent caramel, or apple, or blueberry type pie ahead of cake.

D. Day of choice ? Friday. I know I'm still at work on a Friday but its the promise of the weekend that makes Friday so good. Once you get to Saturday night, there is only one more day and your back to the daily grind - on a Friday you have the whole weekend ahead of you!

E. Essential item ? Tough question. I'm going to go with a pair of well fitted jeans. You could get away without moisturiser or shampoo or toothpaste - eating the right foods will keep you gorgeous and glowing - but a good pair of jeans ? No woman can go without an item of clothing that lifts her butt, slims her thighs and creates nice long legs. Not even debatable.

F. Favourite colour ? This one has changed over the years. I'm quite partial to red right about now...

G. Gummy bears or worms ? Gummy bears all the way. There was a time in my youth where no trip to the movies was complete without a packet of gummi bears. Worms are good, but gummi bears hold a place in my heart.

H. Hometown ? Dubbo, NSW, Australia. Also referred to as Dubs or DubVegas. We have a zoo. That is all.

I. ( favourite ) Indulgence ? Some kind of beauty treatment. I'm very girlie, but i'm kind of " no frills " girlie - that is, i dont have the money to spend on expensive treatments. But after a massage at a mud bath in Vietnam, and having had a one hour relaxation massage this past weekend, i'm thinking i'm going to have indulge in a full body massage a little more often...

J. January or July ? January, no doubt at all. First of all, its my birthday in January happy burfday to me! ) plus its summer, which beats the cold winter of July hands down. January all the way baby!

K.Kids ? None of my own yet ( they're coming eventually, be sure of it ), but i love kids. I mean, i spent a year volunteering to look after other peoples children, and thats no easy task, so you really have to love kids to do it. I spent this past Saturday night not at a pub, but with a snuffly, sick, 5 month old baby asleep on my lap after having walked him, and danced him, and rocked him around the house. It might kind of lame or desperate to say, but i liked it.

L.Life isnt complete without ? Family, friends, good jeans, cute heels, mascara, and hoop earrings. ....

M. Marriage date ? Seriously, who knows ? Sometimes i despair that its never going to happen. I'm 24 now - it'd be nice if i were married before i wer 28. When i was 18 i wanted to be married before i was 24, but that hasnt happened so who knows?

N. Number of brothers and sisters ? Two younger brothers and one younger sister. Like Paula , i always say i have two brothers, even though one of them died at a young age. Christmas Eve 1989 my youngest brother died of meningitis - he'd be 21 on his next birthday if he'd lived. It always makes me think, if he had lived, would my sister exist ? Best not ponder these things too hard...

O. Oranges or apples ? Mangoes.

P. Phobias ? Well aside from having suffered from acute social anxiety in the past ( so i guess i was kind of afraid of people... ) i dont really have any huge phobias. I dont like spiders, or snakes, or mice inside my house, but thats about it.

Q. Quotes? " It wont rain all the time " - Eric Draven, " The Crow " . Thats about all i have - there are probably hundreds of lines of movie dialogue or song lyrics that i love, i just dont have the ability to recall them off the top of my head. Except that one.

R. Reasons to smile? My neice referring to me as " beautiful girl "; finding the perfect pair of cute heels in my size; buying an album and loving every song on it; sunshine on a rainy day; listening to my mum rave on about something she doesnt quite understand, and then hearing her say something silly; reading a good blog post. You know, simple things amuse simple minds :)

S. Season of choice ? Spring. Once upon a time i would have said summer, but as i've got older and Australia has gotten hotter and drier, i've realised spring is where its at. Its got beautiful sunny warmth, the promise of growth and change, plus it means the end of winter. Yep, spring is my favourite.

T. Tag five people ?I'm going to tage five of you, but dont feel obligated to do this meme: Sheena, Laurie, Andy, Steph and Gene. Your up people!

U. Unknown fact about me ? Umm.... i find it a lot easier to fall asleep if i'm holding something. Seeing as i dont have a many, this means i am either holding my pillow or i'm curled up so tight i'm practically hugging my myself. Not exactly a world shattering secret, but there you have it.

V. Vegetable ? Pumpkin. Now, i commented on Laurie's blog that one of the weirdest things about living in the USA was that they only have pumpkin in season, and the rest of the time, its canned. Canned pumpkin. That shit is weird. I love me some good baked or roasted pumpkin with a traditional roast dinner, or pumpkin soup or pumpkin mash. Hell, i even like pumpkin pie and thats a big thing for a non-American.

W. Worst habit ? :Lately, since i've been growing my hair out ( so, for about the last year... ) i've developed this habit of running my hands through my hair and pulling out all the loose strands. I'm shedding hair like a dog man! Seriously, my mum mentioned the other day that she is beginning to tire of finding my hair on the lounge, or in the bathroom sink or on the kitchen floor. Sick.

X. X-ray or ultrasound ? X-ray. Ultrasounds are more uncomfortable. Like, if your having an abdominal ultrasound, you have to drink a litre of water before your appointment and then you have try your hardest not to pee while the operator runs the little camera-thingy over your overfull bladder. Who wants that ?

Y. Your favourite food ? I have no answer for this question - i just like food. I, from this moment on, refuse to choose a favourite food. I inevitably end up choosing chicken, when we all know i like chocolate just as much. Its just not fair to the other foods, okay ?

Z. Zodiac sign ? I'm Aquarian by birth and Aquarian by nature. Seriously, you make out a list of typical Aquarian traits and i exhibit probably 95% of them. And you, my friends, are living in the Age of Aquarius, so enjoy!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Finals Fever

So, its semi finals weekend here for in Australia in the National Rugby League competition. There are two games being played this weekend to determine who will meet in next weeks Grand Final. I know, thats not quite as fancy a term as Super Bowl ( why is it called a bowl exactly? I dont get it..... ) but its the pinnacle of the season. So, we have two games being played this weekend - one tonight and one tomorrow night - and the winner of these games will play for the championship. How exciting! I was going to do a post detailing how i think each game will go but the first game has already started and i think i can pick how its going to end up already (the Melbourne Storm vs the Cronulla Sharks - its going to be a resounding Storm victory as far as i can see... ). However, i still wish to comment on tomorrow nights upcoming game:

Manly Sea Eagles


New Zealand Warriors

Or, for me its comes down to Steve Menzies ( at top in the maroon ) VS Ruben Wiki ( right there, in the black ). Why ? Because they are both legends, they are both retiring, and this could potentially the last game i ever see either one of them play. It has to end for one of them this weekend which, frankly, is kind of sad. I dont actually barrack ( or, for the Americans in the crowd, i dont root for ) either of their teams, but you cant help have respect for two blokes who have been playing top grade professional football for over 10 years, who have both played for their respective countries, and who give everything of themselves in every game they play. They're the hard men of rugby league, the workhorses; the elder statesman of the team who inspire the younger players.I dont really mind who wins ( although if i had to pick, I'd say it'll be Manly ), i'm just exciting to see these two players go round one more time. I'm gushing, i know, but if your a fan of a sport you get attached to the good guys.

Seriously - Ruben Wikis team mates have all refused to shave until their season comes to an end, out of humours respect for Mr Wiki's fabulous beard. So that means, until they lose, no-one on the team is shaving and, as such, the whole team is sporting an assortment of back-country beards and glorious porn star moustaches. Sexy.

And what about Steve " The Beaver " Menzies ? I dont know what his team mates are doing to honour him but i believe a sign at a recent game says it all from the Manly fans:


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Amy's Hall of Attractions

So, i havent posted in the last few days because, somewhere along the way, my computer picked up some kind virus and i couldnt get proper access to my internet. Which sucked. It was like killing my lifeline to the blog world and, frankly, that makes me cranky.

Anyhoo, so i thought, seeing as i'm up and running again now, I'd post about something nice and lighthearted. So what topic did i choose ?Men. Or, more specifically, men that i find attractive for some reason and my friends, well, dont. You know, if you were to say to me " You know who's hot? Robbie Willliams ", i'd be all like " Eww, no! Robbie Williams is a giant sleaze bag! What could you possibly be attracted to there ? " So here is my top 5 list of men i find attractive and my friends, for some reason, go WTF ?

Hugh Laurie/ Gregory House: Seriously, I cannot be the only woman in the universe who finds Hugh Laurie inexplicably sexy since taking on the role of Gregory House. I mean i really shouldnt - House is gruff, rude, inconsiderate, sarcastic and permanently dishevelled. But you know what ? Sometimes dishevelled and cranky is hot. I dont know why - maybe i just have a warped sense of humour, maybe its because I know House is inwardly smirking on the inside everytime he insults someone, maybe its because his eyes are incredibly blue ( have you noticed that ? Like super blue! ), but there is just something about Hugh/House that i find quite yummy.

Dennis Quaid: Come on, someone else has got to feel me on this one. My friends and my sister question Mr Quaids attractiveness because he is older than my father but so what ? I'll tell you what Dennis Quaid has over a lot of male celebrities closer to my age : he has charisma and he's manly. I like a manly man - I like a bit of rough. Dennis Quaid is rugged, he sports stubble that you know it didnt take him a week to grow - he's a real man. And aint that what i need ?

Dave Grohl: God Amy no! Look at him - he's scraggly! He has a beard! He has crooked teeth! You know what ? I dont care - the dude rocks! Talent is extremely sexy, plus i'm a fan of facial hair. Maybe not ZZTop type facial hair, no Fu Manchu style moustaches, but it goes back to the manly thing. Men have hair - if i wanted something hairless, i'd find me a pretty girl and turn lesbian. But back to Mr Grohl. Mr Grohl is hot. He plays guitar, he plays drums and he writes awesome rock songs which seems to dominate my current Ipod playlist. Which all adds up to him being rather talented, dont you think ? And, like i said, talent is sexy. You know what else is sexy ? Being a committed family man. And as far as i can gather from various interviews i've seen with him, Dave Grohl loves his family. One more reason for me to love him really.

Jack Nicholson: Okay, so Jack Nicholson is old enough to be my grandafther so i can understand when my friends go " Jack Nicholson, seriously?!? ". Well yes, seriously. Look at him - look at that devilish glint in his eyes. If i was going to go for an extreme May-December relationship ( which, in reality, i wouldnt...), I'd go for Jack. He's the kind of go you know would make for great company- sure,he'd smoke which i dont really like, but he'd tell dirty jokes, and buy everyone a round of drinks and tell you how ravishing you look. Jack would be the Good Time Guy. Plus, yoiu know, back in his prime, he must have been good in bed. You can see it in his grin.

Vincent Perez: The only reason Vincent Perez lands on this WTF! list is because, well, none of my friends have ever heard of him. If you havent either, seriously, you're missing out. Vincent Perez, as you can see from the photo above, is divine. He's Swiss born, speaks French, Spanish and English and, well, he's beautiful. He works mainly in foreign films so if you've never seen him, i forgive. But now that you have, go watch " Cyrano De Bergerac " ( on my official Top 10 Films of all time list ... ) or " Queen Margot " and fall in love for yourself.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

An Early Weekend By The Numbers

46 - number of candles on my mum's birthday cake on Friday night. Well, not really - thats too much weight for one cake to take! - but thats how old she was turning. Perhaps i should have made it " 46 - number of years old my mama is " ? Happy burfday anyways Mum!

6 - size of the cute new braided leather thongs i bought ( thats flip-flops for you Americans ). Yes, i have small feet.

1 - number of promises i broke. You remember that promise i made in my depressive rant ? No eating bad stuff/no spending money/no forgoing the gym ? Broken.

110 - approximate numbers of dollars spent on myself whilst breaking that promise. I figured seeing as i got my tax cheque back and my bond from the rental house i've moved out of i could afford to undulge a little.

4 - number of dvds bought in that little indulgence. I got " The Day After Tomorrow ", " Dreamgirls ", " Lords of Dogtown " and " Dogma". Seriously, i know Kevin Smith has made a few mis-steps the past few years ( hello " Jersey Girl " .... ) but " Dogma " is some seriously funny shit.

7 - approximate number of hours spent watching video music channels on tv over the course of the weekend. Since my parents have gotten " pay TV " installed, i think we've all become slightly addicted to the music channels. Including the country music channel - yes, you read that right, i like country music. Garth ? Reba ? Tim McGraw? Awesome. Variety is the spice of life people.

3 - number of video clips my mum cried over. Seriously, i get teary in romantic movies or real-life dramas ( say, like " The Notebook " or " Hotel Rwanda " ), and I'll admit to crying almost everytime i see the film clip for " Hurt " by Johnny Cash but my mum ? She tears up over those toilet paper adds that feature little boys and puppy dogs.

0 - number of dates i was asked on. Isnt that suprising....

Thursday, September 18, 2008

First impressions

So, as kind of, sort of, alluded to into the last post I've come up with a list of " firsts " to complete the " lasts " from the last entry. It was inevitable really, wasnt it? I've found the answers to the firsts to be a little more telling, more embarrassing than the lasts - so many firsts happen when you're a kid, and who has impeccable taste and judgement when they're in the 1st grade? Certainly not me, although i probably thought so at the time. And so:

First movie I ever loved enough to watch over and over:

" Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, Tomorrow! You're only a day awaaaaaaaaaaay! ". Yep, for me, it was " Annie ". God, how i loved that movie. In fact, i still have an old VHS with the film taped off the tv and its still watchable. Anyhoo, there was just something about a all-singing, all-dancing, all-grinning, all-wisecracking red-headed orphan that I just fell in love with. Hell, i wanted to chuck in my parents and move to the girls home with Miss Hannigan, just so i could hang out with Annie and sing while i scrubbed floors. I think at one point in my young life, i probably knew every word to every song in that movie. " Its a hard knock life for us, its a hard knock life - for us..... "

First pet I owned:
His name was Gus, and he was a beagle. I named him after a snail from an Australian childrens TV show ( you remember, Gus, from Mr Squiggle, for all the Aussie readers... ) and he was cute and iloved him. At least thats how i remember it, seeing as i was around 3 or 4 a the time. I also remember going out shopping with my mum one day and when we got back, Gus was gone. I, naturally, was devastated. My memory, however doesnt exactly ring true ? 15 years later my dad finally revelas to me that with another baby on the way my parents decided not to keep Gus and they sold him. Whoever they sold him to came to get him while i was out so that way it wouldnt like they were the bad guys. Bad guys! My parents are the WORST guys! Who gives away a little girls dog and then lies about it - for 15 years ? Those jerks.

First day of school:
I'm not sure on the date, but i started kindergarten in January of 1989 at North Dubbo Primary School. I could possibly have been wearing pigtails ( aww.... Little Amy is so cute! ) We had a Year 6 student as our " buddy " and my buddie's name was Melanie. Thats about all i remember clearly - just being at an assembly with the bigger kids first thing in the morning. Apparently, according to an old teacher of mine, i was a precocious young child. Me? Precocious? Who woulda thunk that ?

First album i bought:
Alright, everybody get ready to cringe - the first album i ever bought with my own money was " Walthamstow " by East 17. Yep, East 17. For anybody who doesnt know or doesnt remember, East 17 were a British boy band who made techno/house-y kind of pop. If you listen to it now, its incredibly lame but, in my defence, i was 8 years old when i bought it and East 17 were the cutest thing around at that time. They were house hats! And massive baggy pants! And they had a cool dog! Seriously, they had to have rocked - right ?

First kiss:
Ooh la la - kissy, kissy, kissy! I had my first kiss when i was in Year 4 and it was a boy named Kenny. Kenny was cool, we held hands at lunch time and walked home from schoo together and it was decided that we should probably kiss. I believe this decision was made more by general playground consensus than by us. As far as kisses go, it was quick smooch, a close-mouthed peck as you would expect for a pair of 9 year olds. Ah, young love. So romantic, kissing behind the school toilets with about 10 other kids watching...

First crush:
Not counting Kissing Kenny up there, my schoolgirl crush was on a boy named Brad when i was in Year 6. Brad was like totally the hottest boy in school, and for a while there he liked me too. However, after asking me to the Year 6 Farewell ( kind of like a prom in the sixth grade ), which i said " yes! " to, a week or two later he decided that i was flirting with other people ( when i was 11 ?Come on! ) and went with my friend Lisa. No biggie - I went with Kissing Kenny.
As far as my first adult crush goes, it was while i was in living New Jersey. Roberto was a Chilean guy who worked at the local deli ( Towne Deli in Summit, NJ - go there for the chicken salad on a Portuguese roll ). He was a bigger guy, slightly chubby i guess, with a long dark ponytail. He was really charming and always chatted with me when i came into get a sandwich. I think he just came off as an all round sweet natured guy, which is why i liked him. He mock-invited me to a picnic once, for the benefit of amusing my three year old charge - funny thing was, i totally wanted to go....

First job:
I was what is colloquially known as a " checkout chick ". When i turned 14 i went and got an after school job at the local Woolworths working as a cashier. It was incredibly boring and i didnt really make friends with anyone i worked with, but it gave me a little extra pocket money to buy cds and clothes and McDonalds with. As first jobs go, it wasnt so bad really.

First car:
This wont mean anything to any of you who live outside of Australia but my first car was a Mazda 121. Alot of people called them " the jelly bean car " because of its general design - just like me, nice and curvy! - but i still think it was cool. Of course, it was red ( because as we all know, red goes faster ) and aside from one of the back door locks getting stuck all the time, the Mazda totally rocked! I sold it before i went to the USA for a year and, oddly enough, i still see it driving around town. Some blonde girl who lives a few streets over from my brother owns it. Kind of makes me sad really. But hey, i have a little red Holden Barina now, so i'm not doing too badly...

So there we go - the " firsts " and " lasts " of one Miss Amy Wells. Its actually been kind of fun reminiscing on all this stuff - taking a walk down memory lane and all that. Hope you peoples enjoyed it as much as i have. If you didnt, well, sorry much to you. Not much i can do about it now, is there ?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

At last....

Firstly, my apologies to everyone for my depressive rant in the last post. For anyone who doesnt know - and who hasnt figured it out yet - I actually do have depression ( its not just a little joke when i mention it... ) for which i take medication. However, sometimes the black dog rears its ugly head and i have a really bad depressive episode. This past weekend could be counted as said episode, and i barely feel in control during these moments, so ordinairly i would think twice about posting such a rant. So apologies for dumping it all on here, but many thanks to those of you who left kind and supportive comments. I could totally feel your bloggy-love...And now onto something way less intense. You know i love a good list, and you also know i love a good meme - so i'm creating both in one! Someone asked me yesterday what the last movie i saw was, which got me thinking about " lasts ". Last movie, last book, last purchase - all that good stuff. So i thought maybe i should make a record of some cool " lasts " thus sharing some more of myself with the rest of you. Brilliant idea you say? Yes, i know, its what i do. So:

Last three albums I bought:
" Pretty Odd " - Panic at the Disco
" The Odd Couple " - Gnarls Barkley
" Oracular Spectacular " - MGMT

Last three films I've watched:
" Hellboy 2: The Golden Army "- directed by Guillermo Del Toro
" Transformers " - directed by Michael Bay
" Baby Mama " - directed by Michael McCullers

Last three books I've read:
" On Chesil Beach" - Ian McEwan
" Long Way Down " - Nick Hornby
" Soul" - Tobsha Learner

Last day of high school :
I dont remember the exact date but it was some time during September of 2001. What i do remember is that i could not wait to get the hell out of there. We had a graduation ceremony - no hats, no robes, just full school uniform and the presentation of graduation certificates, and speeches by our school captains, school principal and year advisor. Kind of a snoozefest really. Even though i knew there was going to be a morning tea held afterward for the graduating students and their parents ( if they indeed attended ), as soon as that assembly was over I left. I could not stand to be in that institution one second longer than i technically had to be. Not that i hated school - I loved getting to hang out with my friends, and i didnt even mind the classes so much - i just didnt like the whole concept, the institution of " school " as it were, not by the end of it.

Last good home-cooked meal:
It was poached salmon with a yoghurt dill sauce on a bed of potatoes and cherry tomatoes, cooked by my father last Tuesday night. One word - delicious! And i know you're thinking that sounds pretty damned fancy for a home cooked meal but, frankly, my dad is quite the culinary whiz. He's not a trained chef or anything but he's just one of these people who can take a recipe, pull together the ingredients, and the meal will turn out exactly the way it looks in the cookbook. Almost always tastes pretty good too. I'll say this, my dad is a much better cook than my mum - i love her, bless her cotton socks, but she aint much of a cook unless its something fairly simple.

Last birthday you helped celebrate:
My dad's 47th, on April 25th. Seeing as my dad isnt real big on my making a fuss over himself, his birthdays are usually simple affairs. Put it this way - he says if any of us try and organise a suprise party for his 50th in a few years time he'll walk in, let us all yell " Suprise!!! " and then promptly take himself off to bed. And yes, he would totally do that, I have no doubt. Thats just the way he is ( and part of the reason i love him ). Anyhoo, so we just had the immediate family around for dinner, which my dad cooked ( yes, so very sad i know.... ) . I cant remember what he made for dinner but I was responsible for dessert -apricot cheesecake with macadamia crust. Don't salivate too hard . It might sound fancy but its pretty simple if you're the dessert Queen that i am. Any celebration or special occasion we have, i get called upon to make the sweets because, hey, its just what i do. Fathers Day this year ? My own cherry ripe concotion - chocolate mousse with blackcherries and coconut.

Last good vacation I went on:
Southeast Asia , last November. I spent three weeks tripping through Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand - completely awesome! If you search your way back through some of my old posts you can probably read a little of my adventures, but suffice to say I had some great fun touring around with 13 other people, all like minded, almost all fantastic ( i say almost all because we were saddled with two late 50-ish Brits who did nothing but complain). I got to experience some awesome culture , see some gorgeous sights, and eat some fantastic food! Seriously, you want some good, healthy, flavoursome food, hit up South East Asia. There is no better place to get Thai mussaman curry than in Thailand. Oh, and lookee here - thats me at Angkor Wat in Cambodia!!

Last " big " purchase:
So, for me, anything over about $200 is a big purchase. So, that being said, my last purchase over above this is my cute little HP Mini notebook. I've had it for a couple of months now and its serving me very well. Its nice and light and little ( just like i'd like to be... ), although the battery power doesnt last quite as long as i'd like. But no matter, its much better than my frightfully old school desktop that i was using ( and by old school, i mean its probably about 5 years old... ).

Last gift I bought:
My sisters birthday present. I was going to tell you what it is, but it has just occurred to me that she could possibly read this entry and find out. I'm about 99% sure she doesnt read my blog - firstly because she's always giving me crap about being on the computer so much, and secondly because she doesnt read, well, anything really - but even still, i hate for her to stumble upon it in the address bar drop down box and ruin the suprise. I will say that because its her 18th birthday its a special present. 18 is the legal drinking age here in Australia, so you're 18th is like a " coming of age " birthday. We're all going out for dinner and then my best friend and I are taking her to a few of the local pubs for the first time. I cannot wait to get her screaming drunk and hang over the next morning.... its going to be so sweet!

Last time I was lost for words:
I only have three words to answer this one - The Mary Incident.

And thats all, ladies and gents. I'm not going to tag anybody to do this meme ( although if I did, I'd tag Andy, Steph, Paula and Sheena :) ), so if you want to steal my idea and make your own" lasts " post then please feel free. I hope this has been much more enjoyable than my last entry - perhaps look forward to a " firsts " post in the future!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Letter not yet written

Dear P,

I have had a horrible week and its only lead into a horrible weekend. I have cried myself to sleep the last three nights and although you cannot change that, I just wanted someone to know. I think this is the point entirely - I want some to know me, to be able to share intimately and, although you are clearly not this person, as my best friend telling you is probably a good start. I am your best friend right ( aside from your husband of course ) ? Because you have not answered the last three text messages i have sent in the last week or so; the only reason i knew you were in town last week was because i saw you walk past my store in the pouring rain; the other two knew ahead of time. Perhaps i am being needy. Insecure. Paranoid.

You know that Newton Faulkner song?
" I need something to believe in/
Cos i dont believe in myself.
Scared of failure/
So scared of success/
Guess it will all work out "

You know that song ? Thats me. I dont know what i'm doing anymore - not that i ever did. A couple of months back i thought i did and i was so excited, i thought i'd finally figured it out. Wasnt it all so simple ? Nope. No it hasnt been simple, and its not so easy, and nothing has happened. Nothig has changed, at least not for the better, and here i am , still stuck. And i despair at it. I'm so desperately, desperately lonely and feel i have no control at all. You know what my pyschologist said ? Go out, just start talking to someone new. How about i invite some old school friends for dinner ? Surely that would have me out and about, socialising. Wasnt he listening when i said how utterly afraid of that i am? How i cannot just go out and start talking to new people, all on my own? It is that viscious circle - I cannot go out on my own, alone, to meet new people. The prospect of propping myself up at a bar without a single soul for support is terrifying ( and probably, in some situations, not so safe ); yet i cannot find new friends if i sit at home and cry all the time. Crying silently into your pillow is not some kind of siren song with which to lure new friends to my door. It doesnt work like that. So what am i to do? Same as always - smile, laugh, fake happiness when my parents ask about my day, and shrink beneath my sheets in the dark.

I spent Friday night at home, with my parents, watching a rugby league game on tv. If i were a normal 24 year old i would have been out drinking wine with my girlfriends, or seeing a movie with a cute date. But i wasnt. I was balled up on the lounge, hugging a pillow in a desperate attempt not to burst into tears. How utterly pathetic. I spent Saturday night sitting up til midnight with a 3 year child that isnt mine, keeping her company and drying her tears until her mother came to pick her up, all the while only just keeping my own tears at bay. If i am going to sit up half the night with an upset child, I wish it could be one of my own. But that prospect is not available to a 24 year old woman with no husband, fiance, boyfriend or even potential date in sight. A 24 year old woman without a man by her side would be out on the town on a Saturday night, in a cute little dress and gorgeous high heels. I have the dresses and the heels, but no occasion to where them. No friends to invite me to a party or out for a drink. Hell, i went to the movies on my own today because I have no friends to invite along. At least i was out of the house i suppose.

" Scared of failure/
So scared of success /
Guess it will all work out ".

But it hasnt yet. I had that brilliant idea of finding a new job and moving to the coast but it hasnt just all worked out. I have applied for at least 50 jobs, and have heard back in regards to two of them. I keep searching for new positions, and i check the real estate websites so i have some idea of what kind of rent i could afford in these areas - but nothing has come from it. It is to the point now, after only 2 months, where I am scared of never finding a job somewhere else and being stuck in here in my parents house, alone and unloved, until either they, or I, die. But equally I am scared of success, of scoring an interview and getting a fantastic new job. It means moving away from the only support units i have, of finding my own way for a while - and what if it all falls apart from there? What if the success of finding a job turns into the failure of not doing it well, of falling apart, again, on my own ? Then i would only have to skulk back home, tail between my legs, head in my hands, a real loser. Maybe it isnt worth trying.

But i should be taking risks right ? Nothing comes from simply wishing, I need to be proactive. I need to take control. So i'm going to start small. For the next month i will diet. I will only eat nutritous foods and not give in to cravings for " bad " foods. I will only treat myself once a week ( whether it be chocolate, or cake, or a hamburger... ). I will go to the gym at least four times i week. I know i can push myself there, I can control what happens. And, for the next month, i will spend no unnecessary money on myself. I will not buy new clothes or music or dvds. I will save money and draw strength from knowing i can control my spending. These three things i CAN control - they arent dependant on what others may be thinking of me, or how terrible and lonely i feel. I'll concentrate on these and focus my worries and fears and despairs on these. Take my mind off things i cant control and dont have.

Does this make sense ? I know it cant possibly be easy having an insecure paranoid for a best friend. I'm suprised you havent gotten ridden of me yet. Come to think of it - whats wrong with you ?

If i had guts enough i might send this to you,
Much love,

Amy xxoo

Friday, September 12, 2008

Everybody's working for the weekend....

Thank freaking boo-jesus that its finally the weekend! Not that i have anything extra-special planned mind you, but rather that its been a pretty dodgy week and i'm very, very much glad that its over. I've had blow-ups with customers and a colleague treating me like rubbish and general work-related crappiness, so its a relief to know that the week is finally behind me. My one saving grace the last five days has been going to the gym. It might sound odd to some of you but i genuinely enjoying punishing myself at the gym. Its a pleasurable kind of pain, pushing myself to finish a run on the treadmill even though my lungs will shortly give out or i'm starting to get a cramp in my left foot; it might not feel all that great whilst i'm doing it but i feel a million dollars when i'm done, knowing i've achieved something. And yep , its an achievement, however small. For example, this week, for the first time in my entire life, I ran for 10 minutes on the treadmill. 10 whole minutes - might not sound like much to some, but it was big for me. Sure, i go to the gym five times a week but i'm stronger and more flexible than i am cardiovascularly fit - running for a constant 10 minutes is a big deal. And a big achievement. And it felt good. So yay for me!

Another " yay! " - its rugby league finals time! It kind of sucks that my team, the mighty Newcastle Knights, didnt make it ( apparently they werent that mighty this year... ) but, hey, neither did my dads team so at least he cant give me shit about how his team is better than mine. I'm watching the first final of the weekend as i type and its been awesomely rough thus far - one guy off with massive concussion and one with a suspected broken arm. Ah, the mayhem!

What is not so exciting this weekend is local elections. Boring! Frankly i dont know how any of you American readers out there do it - dont your presedential campaigns carry on for well over a year? Our elections for our local town council are tomorrow and the campaigning started, i dont know, like three weeks ago and i am sick to the death of it. So i best be off to a polling station to vote tomorrow, if i only so i can avoid the $55 fine for NOT voting.

And thats about it - I'm tossing up whether to go and see Hellboy 2 on my own at some point over the next two days, and will surely be visiting my neice at some point ( the weekend isnt the same if i dont get a hug from Missy Moo.... ) but no spectacular, extraordinary, outrageous plans at all. So consistent, yet so boring sometimes....

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Why? What for ? How could they ?

The question was asked in my local paper today - " Do you remember ? " Frankly, i thought it was a stupid question. How could anyone possibly forget ? Of course, I'm talking about the atacks on the World Trade Centre 7 years ago today. What kind of person could ever forget the articles and the images accompanying them, even if they wanted to ?

I was in Year 12, my final year of high school, in 2001. The attacks had occured overnight, Australian time, and I remember my mother waking me earlier than usual telling me that two planes had crashed into the Twin Towers. Still groggy with sleep i wasnt exactly sure what she was raving on about - until she made me turn on the tv. I sat in bed, still in my pyjamas with the sheets bunched around my knees, horribly transfixed. I didnt want to see planes punching holes in steel, or desperate people leaping from buildings, or faces covered in ash, a trail of tears tracing its way down their cheeks. I didnt want to see that, but i couldnt look away. I didnt want to see that , and i dont want to remember, but i do.

I went to school early and gathered around a radio with about 30 other seniors. Any 12 or 13 year old Year 7 kid that even let out so much as a peep got threatened with the evil eye and a " Shut the fuck up, you idiot! ". I think it was obvious that we all knew we were witnessing an important moment in history. We Year 12 students were allowed to have the radio news playing in every class that day, probably as much for the teachers benefit as it was for ours. I dont remember which algebraic equations i worked on that afternoon, but i do remember wincing as a light plane flew over my maths class room.

My brother worked at the local McDonalds after school, and i went with my mother to pick him up at the end of his shift. It was unusually quiet, not many families calling in to pick a Big Mac or a Happy meal; i sat at a table staring up at the tv and cried. Bawled, in fact. A totally public place, good old McDonalds Family resturant, and i had nowhere to hide, but i sobbed my heart out at what i was watching. The news reports just kept repeating the same images of people jumping to their deaths. I couldnt help but wonder what last lonely thought they may have been thinking to push them to that extreme. Nor could i help but despair at such a waste of life - and for what ? None of us really knew at that point.

I didnt know anyone in New York City. I didnt even know anyone who lived in the US, but my heart bleed for the families who lives had been irrepairably damaged by such insanity. I wondered what they must be thinking, feeling, hoping, praying; I wanted to let them know that they werent alone in their loss and their sorrow. And i did, by writing a letter to the New York Times. I doubt that it was ever published, by message of support was there on the internet, recorded for all of humanity to see. If i could have helped dig through that rubble, to comfort a crying child who had lost a parent, to donate blood or skin to burns victims, I would have. I may not have been there, I may not have lost any of my people, but i felt it all the same.

It wasnt until i lived in the US during 2005 that i got some insight into what it was really like. I lived in NJ and my host father worked in New York City. On a trip to the local zoo one cloudless, blue sky September day with my boys and their grandparents, I noticed Grandpa Jerry sitting on a fence alone, just staring up at the sky. I asked him what was going on and he told me he was just reflecting - this was as perfect a day as that one looked like it was going to be. If the youngest of the boys had not been born the day before - September 10, 2001 ( happy birthday H! ) in a hospital in Jersey - my host father would have been there, one block from the WTC, when the planes hit. My host father had lost people he knew but luckily had been given a healthy, beautiful baby boy to take his mind off all that.

I dont mean to dwell on these things of course; but isnt that what remembering is ? Isnt remembering dwelling on the past, whether it be good or bad, and whether we want to or not ? Sure, I could have gone through today pretending like i didnt know the date, had forgotten its significance, or focused on sending good birthday vibes to my little H ( who is now big... ). But kind of memorial would that be ? What kind of respect would that be showing those who lost their lives ?

Honestly, I dont particularly want to remember, but some things you just cant forget....

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

It could only be worse if i were naked...

So I couldnt quite decide on a particular topic for todays post, I thought I'd just bullet point all the stuff thats been floating around in my head the last day or two:

  • To be quite honest, I have had a shithouse kind of day. Sure, I can kind of understand when a customer with a complaint gets a little nasty or impatient and maybe goes off at me over the phone, even if their issue is kind of out of my hands. But you know what ? I am not paid enough to put up with kind of behaviour from a colleague. Seriously. Yogi, a previously mentioned manager ( so named because, frankly, her face reminds me of Yogi Bear ) made me cry today. I thought managers, when turned to for advice, were supposed to be supportive, not accusatory and condescending. So sorry, that must have been my mistake. However, despite being spoken to like I am beneath her, I have risen above Yogi's behaviour. And by above, I mean I have made a confidential complaint to a manager that is senior to Yogi. It wasnt out of vengeance or trying toget some kind of upper hand, in fact i asked this manager, The Bell, in my email not to mention anything to Yogi at all. I actually tossed up even making a complaint all morning, and finally decided after my lunch break that it was in my best interests to get it off my chest. I guess we'll see what may come of it tomorrow when The Bell gets back to me.

  • Plus, I have had the same customer ring me three times not happy that her husbands glasses arent back yet, even though i explained to her that I have asked the lab to rush them through and I have done everything in my power to get them back to my store as soon as possible. You know what ? Sometimes people just give me a headache. And sometimes they make me wish the earth would open and swallow me whole.

  • Maybe the earth will upon up and swallow me whole - or rather a black hole might swallow the earth. ( Nice segue - see what i did there ? ). What i wanted to know is why i hadnt heard about this whole proton accelarator/ Stephen Hawkings experiment thingy any sooner than an hour before it was all due to happen. Maybe i just dont watch enough news ? Hell, if i had known about it sooner i might have gone sky diving, or got up the courage to do karaoke, or done my darndest to have hot, sweaty, passionate sex with a younger man - you know, all the stuff you'd want to do before the earth disappears into a void and we all die.

  • I saw an article on a tabloid news show about the rise in brides getting botox before their weddings. Excuse me, but how pretenious are these women ? I can understand wanting to look your best on your big day, maybe getting a spray tan and a teeth whitening, of course having your make up and your hair done, but botox ? Injecting poison into your face just to look " better " in your photos? If your getting married, I'd be thinking the guy you're marrying loves you the way you are - he doesnt want to be faced with a plastic version of the women he loves unless its on top if the wedding cake ( which in my case will be chocolate mud - that fruitcake stuff is gross! )

And that be all, thats all I got. Its not much, but its all i could come up with after the kind of day I've had. I'm happy to say that the day has ( almost ) ended on a good note - its funny how pushing yourself to run ( yep, run! ) on the treadmill, slog away on the bike and make it through your weights routine can make you feel entirely awesome. Adrenalin is mucho goodo. Or muy bien, if we're want to use proper Spanish....

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Give A Little Bit

So this is where i publicly state my intention to donate my organs after my death. Yes, Mum, Dad and anybody else who may care at that particular moment, I want to donate my organs to those who need them after my death. What has prompted this public declaration ? I have just finished watching a " 60 Minutes " article about a young Australian named Doujon Zammit.

Doujon had been having the time of his very young life in Mykonos, Greece, earlier this year when after having left one of the tourist pubs, he and his friend were set upon by four nightclub bouncers. Doujon was savagely beaten, including been hit with a metal pipe, until the point of unconscious. He was taken to hospital but, unfortunately, he was a few days later declared brain dead. His father, who had flown to Greece to be by his bedside, made the agonising decision to turn off his life support and, in accordance with his sons wishes, to donate his organs.

I cannot imagine how devastating a decision that must have been, which is why i'm taking this opportunity to make my wishes known, and to spare my parents the burden of that choice. It is, very saddeningly, a choice they have had to make before. For those of you who are new readers of this blog, I had a brother die from meningitis at the age of 1 ( i was almost 5 at the time ). They said it was just too hard to think of having their little boy cut up, of having him divided, even though they knew they could have saved others by doing so. I guess the suddenness of his illness and death ( he fell ill and died within a 24 hour period ), and the fact that you pretty much have to make the decision on the spot, was just too much to bare. I would also imagine that having lost such a young child would make the decision harder aswell. As I said, i would never want them to ever have to make that choice again.

So, as you can probably tell, organ donation happens to be important to me. I'm telling you all now of my intentions, and I am officially registered on the Australian Organ Donation Registery ( and, although not legally binding, on my drivers licence ). I am registered to donate everything - that would be lungs, kidney, heart, liver, skin - except my corneas. This is mainly because my corneas are absolutely crap and are of no use to me right now, let alone anybody else, but also because I might wana be using them in any afterlife there might be. Call me crazy, I just cant bare the idea of anybody messing around with my eyes after i'm gone.

So there we go, intentions stated and semi-rant over. I'll use this last little paragraph to urge all of you to think seriously about organ donation and if its something you agree with, let your loved ones know what you want done. You never know how soon they could be called upon to make the harrowing decision without your help....

Friday, September 5, 2008

Gods of Football

Being the diligent supporter of rugby league that I am, and also an advocate of breast cancer research, I've been perusing the Gods of Football website. Its in a initiative of one of Australia's leading breast cancer research charities, and involves high profile, professional footballers posing for calendar pictures, all in the name of a good cause. I'd like to introduce two of my favourites: David Shillington and, on the right, the divine Daniel Conn -

By sharing these pictures I'm only trying to do my bit to help the fight against breast cancer. This is in no way an excuse to just post pictures of gorgeous semi-naked men, nor is it evidence of my apparent dirty-perve status. Not at all. Ladies, i encourage you especially to take a look at the website. Really. Oh, and seeing as the pictures vying for entry into this years calendar cant be copied ( believe me, i tried really, really hard.... ) I thought i'd just have to post one of last years. Hope this one of Daniel Conn is good enough for you, even if it is old:
Only two words - Yes. Please.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

My butt is getting bigger and its all my fault

Yes, you read it right - my butt is getting bigger and its all my fault. Although, my mum could have shrunk my pants in the wash* but i dont think thats it. No, I think my new found love of exercise is giving me a bubble butt. I blame this one machine at the gym ( again, I dont know its technical name... ), the one where you lie on your stomach and hook your feet around the pegs and then kick your legs backwards so your feet tap your bum. You know, that one. I think the repetitive motion is toning the muscle ( as it should! ) and, consequently, its making my butt " higher ". That makes sense right ? I mean, the last time i had my measurements taken by a trainer my waist had slimmed, the circumference of my thighs had gone down and my upper arms had lost flab - but my bottom had increased a centimetre ( or half an inch for you North American type people ). Not fair. Pretty soon I'll look like " one of those rap guys girlfriends " and i dont care how much Sir Mix-A-Lot likes them, I DONT like big buts ( and I cannot lie ). Although I suppose then i would be able to feature in the next Flo-Rida/50 Cent/ Ludacris ( hell, pick any random rapper ... ) video, except for the fact that i'm white. Maybe i could star with Eminem if he werent so busy sitting in his mansion chunking himself up like a modern day Elvis ( and no offense to either Eminem or Elvis - both white boys doing " black " music and coming out on top. Respect. )

Dont mind me, ranting and raving on about the size of my derriere either. It just suprised me a little this morning when the pants i hadnt worn for a while - and by a while i only mean a week - didnt quite feel the same. Like maybe they were half a size too small. And its also not like i'm morbidly obese and getting bigger either - I'm a size 10 ( a US size 6 or a UK size 8 for my international readers ) so even if i did put a bit more junk in my trunk - so to speak - it shouldnt be a huge concern. Just struck me as kind of odd is all, and no-one needs that when they're trying to get to work for a conference call.

On the plus side, I am rocking an awesome curvy figure. Round butt, small waist - the whole hourglass thing. I can pull off pencil skirts and sky high heels in a totally 50's retro-sexy kind of way.

I wonder if there is some machine at the gym that could possibly perk me up in the bust department too ?

* No, i dont make my mum do my washing. She's just usually up first and gets to it before me...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

" Observation " overload

Alright, so I'm going to admit it - I'm a perve. No, its true, I'm a dirty, dirty perve. Some of you may remember Banky McHands, and he's still on my perving radar, but its more than that. I am not going to mention exactly how long its been since I've had the " company " ( ahem ... ) of a good man, but suffice to say that its been long enough that I now find myself checking people out everywhere I go. For example, you know that underwear ad featuring David Beckham ? Umm... yes please. Or last night I'm watching " Baby Mama " at the movies and my first thought is " Wow, Tina Fey has sexy-ass legs ". This was followed closely by " I totally want her shoes!! " Good freaking Lord.

So aside from young Banky McHands, I am now checking people out at the gym. Thats normal right ? Half the people at the gym are only there to give other people the once over. So, anyways, I'm at the gym, on one of the machines that works your triceps - yes, I know the machines have names, I just dont know what they are - and I'm doing my thing, working up a sweat.... and I cant help noticing one of the regulars working up a sweat too. He's definately older than me, maybe around 30, could be married, and he's probably going bald because he has a really close cropped buzz cut but there he is, and there I am, watching the muscles in his legs move under his glistening skin. Of course, I'm watching out of the corner of my eye while i ( try to ) concentrate on what I'm doing.

Or this afternoon, after work, I'm in line at the supermarket, waiting for my turn with the cashier. There is a guy a few places in front of me, kind of tall, dark hair, scruffy, unshaven thing going on - just my type actually - and he looks around absentmindely. Just for a fleeting second I feel like he's giving me the eye so from that point until he's paid for his stuff and is out of sight I'm secretly giving him the once over. Nice bum, strong looking chest, nice arms under that t-shirt.... for God's sake Amy, just pay for your tzatziki and get out of here!

Thankfully, this newfound obsession with observation hasnt yet encroached on my life too much. I mean, its not likeI'm surfing the net for porn or chasing poor innocent young men down the street. I mean, I'm not THAT desperate ( yet ). But I'd like to think that maybe, sometimes, someone could possibly be perving on me and that this isnt just a one way street.

That would just be too, too sad, wouldnt it ?

Monday, September 1, 2008

My Weekend by the Numbers

So I totally stole this idea from Miss Em, right down to the idea of having a picture of numbers ( but not the same picture - that would be a little too Single White Female.... ). Feel free to steal it from me if you like ( but not my picture, I have dibs on that one ). Here goes:

30 - dollars spent on my almost-three year old neice when I took her shopping with me.

5 - dollars wasted when she only ate the icing off her donut and decided that her milkshake was too cold.

4 - goals scored when my brothers soccer team won their semi-final. That would be 4 - nil - bring on the final next week!

30 - millimetres of rain that fell on DubVegas over the weekend.

12 - how many of the soccer boys i predict will be getting pnuemonia after training and playing in all that rain.

55 - minutes spent practising yoga on Saturday afternoon.

1 - apology from my yoga teacher for subjecting me to one too many " roll ups/ roll downs " during my classes this week. No worries, my stomach is looking all the better for it!

800 - approximate amount of calories I consumed when eatingmy Dads homemade lasagne. But its Dads lasagne and its so delicious and cheesy and.....

0 - number of naps I took. Yes, i missed out on my weekend naps. What a travesty....

1 - book that i finally got around to finishing: " On Chesil Beach ", by Ian McEwan.

A little disappointing after " Atonement " but certainly not the worst thing I've ever read. It actually took me a little while to get into it, so i think that may have been half the trouble. Plus, and this might just be me, but one of characters is just really unlikeable, no matter how much the author tries to explain her perspective. Its hard to like something when you dont particularly like one of the protagonists....