Friday, October 29, 2010

Wa, Wa, Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

So - i've had an ( emotional ) rollercoaster couple of days. I'm not going to into details and dont fret yourselves because it hasnt been anything major, just petty little arguments and missed opportunities juxtaposed against great lunchtime catch ups, beautiful snuggles and big belly laughs. Amongst it all, i have noticed that this will be my 399th post....oh how time flies! It feels like yesterday i was back at 14 followers and 300 posts and now, here we are, one away from the 4-0-0. And only 7 away from the magic 100 followers!

So my question is this - what would you like to see as my 400th post? What would you like more of around here ? I secretly aspire to be more like someone such as Lori at Random Ramblings Of A Stay At Home Mum but am unfortunately not possessed of the writing talent to reach the lofty heights of her fame ( man, oh man, if only someone offered me the chance to interview someone from Sesame Street! I'm still way jealous of you Miss Lori... ). With that in mind, leave ideas for my 400th post or things you'd like to see more of in the comments section!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Operation Slimdown, Mach 2 - Week 5

This week sucks. I hate this weeks guts. If it were a person, i'd want to talk trash about it and maybe kick it in the throat. How bout we dispense with the small talk and just look at the stats?
Weight - 77.2 kgs. Up 600g ( so there goes the 500g i lost last week )
Bust - 100.5cm. Up a whopping 3.5cm. This may because i'm pre-menstrual ( TMI? ) and could be helped along by a better bra than other weeks...
Waist - 85.5cm. Up 3cm.
Hips - 104.5cm. Up 1.5cm.
Butt - 109cm. No change ( suprised? )
Thigh - 67cm. Up 0.5cm

How is that even possible? How can i only go up 600g - which could be water retention seeing as i drank around 1.2l of water before my weigh in - but have my measurements go up so dramatically? I'm not going to lie - its really, REALLY, freaking disheartening. I didnt do as much exercise as i would like last week because of the crappy weather ( cant take a baby for a walk in the rain ) and Sunday was a big bbq lunch for my sisters birthday ( and i've got another one this Sunday for my brothers birthday ). I'm just so disappointed.... in the past i've found it easier than this to lose weight. It never came off super quickly but it came off consistently. This non-consistent crap? This sucks.

My only consolation is i think my Zumba dvds are waiting for me at the post office, so i can definately get some more exercise in this week, regardless of the stupid weather, and i'm already drinking more water during the day at work. For now ? I'm going to go cry into a bowl of ice-cream and climb back up on the stupid, rickety, diet bandwagon tomorrow...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hi Ho, Hi Ho....

... its off to work i go! Oh yes, tomorrow will be my first day back at work after 11 months of maternity leave. I am about 10% looking forward to it and 90% not wanting it to happen.
I dont want to leave my Flynny.
I dont want to miss his first steps ( seriously, i reckon he's a month away from walking.. )
I dont want him to get upset because i'm not there with him.
I dont want to go back to work and have to re-learn all the crap i've forgotten since i left ( i think i'm going to have to read the manual that I wrote for my co-workers last year! )
I dont want to have to deal with the state manager that i just cannot stand.
I dont want to deal with rude and obnoxious customers when i could be spending quality time with my son.

But, most of all, i dont want to be broke....and thats why i'm going back to work. 3 days, 9am-5am, is the minimum amount of work i can do to get paid enough to cover our bills and, combined with Micks wages, leave us enough to live comfortably. Some weeks, maybe, not even comfortably - just to make ends meet. So even though i'm not looking forward to it, even though i'll miss my little bubba and i might miss one of his huge milestones ( and i'll be incredibly upset and guilty if that does happen ... ) i recognise that i HAVE to go back to work, for the good of my family. Its that whole unselfish, sacrificing mother thing - despite what i really would like to do, i know that sucking it up and just getting in there and doing is going to be what benefits us most.
Lets just hope i can last more than a week before i get the shits with someone....

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Seven Stages

I dont know if its common knowledge or not, but apparently there are 7 stages of grieving for a human being.
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and frusturation
4. Depression and reflection
5. The " upward " turn
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance

Strangely, after the "break up " with my best friend, i find myself going through these stages. No-one has died, yet i still feel grief for a relationship lost. Is that weird? And do you know where i think i'm up to?
3. Anger and Frusturation - Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else . This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. Yes, after all these years of being meek and mild, of being the kind of person who dislikes confrontation, who can find the good in most people, i've finally arrived at "angry ". I'm not exactly wanting to " lay unwarranted blame " because as far as i'm concerned it takes two to tango ( so they say ). I am at the stage where i have confronted the accusations thrown at me and come to accept that even if i dont understand where they have come from, i do understand that they are real to her, and i have accepted responsibility for that. However, i have also looked back on the past few years of relationship and have had the clarity to see all those little things i missed, those signs that i was on the outer....and i feel stupid. I feel like i've been lead on and played for a fool, and that makes me both sad and angry. Sad that i missed them all and i could have saved myself this heartache, if only i werent so trusting; and angry that i could have been treated that way by someone who once, supposedly, loved me.And angry, too, that she can't or wont "own " how she's made me feel.
And yes, its time for the release of bottled up emotion. But i wont do that here, and i wont do it to her face ( partly because i dont want to cause any more trouble, and partly because i have no line of communication with her anymore ). No, i do it in the shower, like all good women. In the shower i'm free to talk under the sound of the water, to whisper all those words i'd like to say, to let out the feelings that have been dragging me down the last few weeks, and to cry and cry and cry, and let the water wash away any evidence of my tears.
In the shower i can be naked, physically and emotionally, and i can let.It.Out. I just wonder how much longer til i reach the seventh stage and i can let it all go....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Operation Slimdown, Mach 2 - Week 4

Ah, weigh in day. Somehow i manage to simulataneously love and loathe you. Love - because i'm kind of excited to see how i've gone over the week. Loathe - because i'm afraid of what i'm going to find!

I cant say that this week has been particularly good, or bad for that matter. I've exercised, but havent pushed myself to my limits; i've eaten healthy food but probably too much of them; i drank more water than usual but still not enough. I've looked forward to exercising each day which i suppose is a start, but each session bar two this week has been pretty easy. I did my weekly Zumba class and loved it, and i found this was the one session where i really gave it everything and worked up a good sweat. I think its easier to go hard when your doing an activity you enjoy. With that in mind i tried a half hour Zumba session on DVD that my sister had burned for me, but it was an advanced power workout, and i gave up halfway through because i didnt know what i was doing and just felt overwhelmed. However, i have just last night purchased myself the full 4 DVD Zumba beginners set ( for $25, on ..... take that Danoz Direct, you ripoff merchants! ) and plan on doing some Zumba 5 days a week. If i can convince Mick to let me use the one tv in our house for a little while on the weekends....

So, onto the important stuff - the numbers!
Weight - 76.6kgs. A loss of 500g. Again, not an overly awesome result, and i'm a little disappointed that it wasnt more but a loss is a loss...
Bust - 97cm. Down 0.5cm
Waist - 82.5cm. Down 1.5cm. Maybe all that twisting at Zumba is starting to pay off around the midsection!
Hips - 103cm. Up 0.5cm. Hmmm....
Bum - 109cm. Up 1cm. What the?
Thigh - 66.5cm. No change.

So, we can see that apparently i am turning into some kind of Kim Kardashian clone. What is up with that? How can i lose a little from the top and gain a little on the bottom ? Maybe all the fat from the middle just slipped down a bit, but whatever is going on it has me worried about the near development of a bubble butt. So, onto next week which will see me back at work 3 days a week. I kind of see that as a plus because it means i'll definately be drinking more water ( i keep a 1L bottle on my desk and sip during the day ) and less opportunities to make bad snack decisions. That is, i can only snack once ( on my 10 minute break ) and i can only snack on what i've brought from home, so if i pack myself a nice piece of fruit or a tub of yoghurt i cant be tempted by chocolate or a yummy piece of peanut buttery toast because they wont be there!
Tune in again next week to see how well i go during week one back from maternity leave....

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Weekend By The Numbers

2.5 - hours spent bored on Friday night. Seriously, there was nothing on free-to-air tv ( and we dont have Foxtel ) that i was interested in, although Mick was quite happy watching " boy " programs on the new 7Mate channel. I thought i could start reading a new book ( and by new i mean one from own library that i havent read in a while... ) but i didnt want to seem like i was ignoring my sweetheart. So lie down on the couch next to him, shoved my feet on his lap and asked for a massage. It didnt work...

$169 - spent on this weeks groceries. A little more expensive than usual, bu that did include a new tin of formula, a 10 pack of AA batteries and sensitive skin shaving cream - all relatively pricey items we dont usually buy. And i managed to do the groceries in under 45 minutes because Mick decided the weather was that shitty i could go do the groceries on my own and he'd stay home with Flynn. See what i can do without the two male distractions in my life?

2 - movies watched. Yep, the crappy weather meant it was perfect for a movie day, so we chucked the spare mattress on the loungeroom floor and veged for the afternoon. We watched " Iron Man 2 " which i really enjoyed ( even though i fell asleep and had to catch up the half hr i missed later in the evening ) because, lets face it, i'm kind-of-not secretly a comic book movie fan; and " Shutter Island " which we both agreed was a great movie ( despite Mick falling asleep and me having to catch him up on the half hr he missed ). I'm not going to give away an details for those who havent seen it but its one of those head-trippy thrillers that has you questioning everyones motives and everyones truths... ooh, mysterious!

7 +3 - slices of bacon + eggs cooked for breakfast on Sunday morning. Ah, bacon and eggs on a Sunday... its not exactly a ritual around here but is rather kept for special occasions or just as a way to say " i appreciate you baby ! ".

1 - year anniversary. Of what ? Sunday was one year since Michael proposed to me...aww, romantical. Thats why i was making the bacon and was both a special occasion and a appreciative thankyou breakfast.

5 - people that we had over for afternoon tea: my mum, dad, brother, SIL and almost-2 yr old neice. Despite my love of baking, i had no time up my sleeve to whip up a tasty treat, so we just grabbed a pack of lamingtons from Woolies. Everyone loves a lamington! Or a mint slice biscuit, as i found out when my neice only ate half of hers before it was time for to leave, and Flynn found the discarded half about 20 mins later when he woke up from his nap. Mmmm, chocolatey mess on the carpet....

750 - millilitres of cheap champas sparkling wine drunk by Michael and myself over a romantic candlelit dinner after Flynn had gone to sleep. He cooked dinner ( a yummy Indian Curry Chicken Rice ) and i made dessert ( Chocolate Mousse with mixed berries ) and we sat and chatted across the rarely used dining table and enjoyed our lovely meal without the interruptions of our ( gorgeous ) crazy baby. Then we retired to our boudoir for the snuggle. And sleep. What else would we be doing in their you perves ? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Do We Really Need To Go THAT Overboard?

I think i have may have mentioned before but.... i'm getting married next year. November 5th, 2011 to be exact. So even though my wedding is still quite a ways away i'm already bookmarking wedding blogs, and searching Google images for pretty wedding hair and bitching about the other brides on " Four Weddings".  And yesterday i came across this article about a women who's wedding budget blew out so much that her wedding debt has now outlasted her marriage ( a shame on both accounts ). Which, though i have pondered it before, got me thinking - why the hell is there any need to spend sooooooooo much on a wedding which is, in reality, only one day of your life?

We've all heard of the crazy bridezillas who spend fifty, sixty, seventy thousand dollars on their "dream wedding ". Celebrities i can understand, but how on earth any normal person can justifty spending the equivalent of a house deposit on one day - hell, its only a few hours of the day! - is just beyond me. I'm sure there will be women out there saying " But i loved my day! And it was MY day, what i WANTED, so why shouldnt i spend that much ? " To that i say - fair point. Its your day, spend what you want it on it. But to me, i just cant see how a $5000 dress makes you any happier than a $500 dress, or how Swarovski crystal table centrepieces brings you any more real, lasting joy than a beautiful bunch of flowers. Sure the pretty things and the extra fine dining might give you momentary thrills, but a few months down the track, when your struggling to pay all your bills, is that really going to be worth it ? I wouldnt think so.

Mick and I have a budget of $10 000 ( very kindl, traditionally and generously supplied by my parents. Otherwise, we wouldnt be having a wedding because we gots very little money of our own ). We're hoping to squeeze at least part of the honeymoon cost in under that $10 000 and i cant see why we cant make that happen. We're simple people with simple tastes - though " simple " does not ( as some people seem to think ) equate to " tacky ". No - i like fine, pretty things as much as the next woman, i just refuse to spend exorbitant amounts of money for those fine pretty things. I've already bought my dress and i paid $400 for it, marked down from $1200. To me thats nothing to be ashamed of - its a beautiful dress, it looks gorgeous on me, and its savvy shopping! I'm not the kind of girl thats dreamed of her " big day " since she was 5, but my dress is a beautiful Grecian style and thats what i was looking for. It may have been on sale, it may have been " cheap " but i fail to see how spending a few thousand dollars more on a similar dress would make me any happier....

What i'm trying to get at is I personally am not going to feel the need to spend a small fortune on one day of my life. The wedding is, after all, only one day and what is going to matter to me more is the marriage ....all those days after the white dress and the flowers and the cake. I'm going to be grossly, vomit-worthy happy to be in my $500 dress, in a local park beside a pretty (albeit man made ) lake, exchanging vows and jewellry with the man i love. And i'm going to enjoy my reception afterward at a local " boutique beer " establishment, upstairs in its function room with its fairy lighted ceiling, eating gourmet " pub grub " and more than likely dancing to an IPod playlist. As long as the man i love, and the little man i love, and the rest of my people are there enjoying it with me, the dollars spent ( or not spend, in my case ) wont matter a dot....
What about you? If your married, did you have a budget do or a an extravaganza? If your not married - what do you think ?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Like ChickenMan.... We're Everywhere!

Who's we ( If you have to ask who ChickenMan is, clearly you didnt listen to the radio as a kid... )? We is us, the mentally ill. The one's who have depression, anxiety disorder, PND, schizophrenia, multiple personalities. We're everywhere and everyone, and i wanted to take this chance during National Mental Health Week to let the rest of you in on a secret - we're not crazy. Or dangerous. As Matchbox Twenty once put it " I'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell ". Kudos to you Rob Thomas and band - that sums it up pretty damn well.

I've posted about it on here before a bazillion times but i'm not ashamed to say it again - i have previously suffered from clincial depression and social anxiety disorder. I say previously because i'm not in that dark place anymore, but i know and appreciate that there is always a chance i could succumb again at some stage. If i do it will be okay, because i know i'll have the strength to come through it again. I suffered for a long time, but with a lot of hardwork, great support, and an eventual break in those pyschological barriers, i've gotten better. I've achieved a few personal milestones that in my darkest times i though could only be found under a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Or, in other words, in a fantasy land that i just wasnt every going to get to. But here i am, living the dream, or at least parts of it.

So i'm living proof that mentally ill people are:
a) everyday people. The people you know, the people you meet on the street, the people who work at the mall.
b) not always going to be mentally ill. Just because they're living in the darkness or in a muddled foggy cloud, doesnt mean they wont ever find the sunshine again. Be patient. Be supportive. Be there.
c) not a scourge on society. I couldnt be a scourge if i tried!

I know some of you out there have current mental health issues that your fighting and to you i say - be strong. You CAN do it. In the spirit of Mental Health Week i'm sending you positive vibes and all my cyber love. To those of you are mentally fit and competent i say - congratulations! Oh, and could you please spare some good vibes and cyber love and send it out to everyone under a black cloud this week?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Operation Slimdown, Mach 2 - Week 3

Its Tuesday again ( funny that, we have one every week... ) which means today is the day i take stock of the weeks eating and exercise and see where i've ended up. To tell you the truth, i wasnt exactly looking forward to weighing myself in and taking my measurements this week - last week down at Tresillian was a bit of a write off, what with the hospital food and the rain and no access to my exercise dvds. I did manage to get out for a few walks with Flynn, but only around one city block - though i suppose thats better than nothing right ? I got myself back up on the bandwagon yesterday - Monday is the traditional day of starting stuff! - by going back to eating smaller portions. I didnt really get any exercise in ( Mick came home sick so i was a bit consumed with looking after the poor little fella... ) but its only 10:30am and i've already been for a walk. Jog. Sort of. What i mean is that i've been out and done a hybrid walk/jog - i didnt jog too far for too long ( it felt my lungs were going to burst out of my chest ! ) but i know with time and patience i can get back to jogging again. If i push myself. Which i will.

So - now to the juicy stuff! Where is my bootylicious body at this week?
Weight - 77.1kgs. I've lost 700g in two weeks: not exactly the result i was hoping for but after last week i'll take it.
Bust - 97.5cm. Thats down by 1.5cm - why is that my boobs are always the first to go?
Waist - 84cm, down 0.5cm
Hips - 102.5cm, also down 0.5cm
Bum - 108cm, no change.
Thigh - 66.5cm, down ( would you believe it? ) 0.5cm

So i guess i've shrunk just a teeny tiny fraction in the past fortnight - all except my bum. Damn you bubble butt! Good news is, it also looks like i'm shrinking in proportion - except for my boobs. Can i get my baby boobs back and just sacrifice everything else? Ah well - on to next week!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I Needs Some Good Ideas!

Hello there, and welcome to another ( and long overdue ) Blog This! challenge. Its not that i havent been regularly participating, but rather that the sites admin was going through a little bit of a change up and there were no challenges posted. However, challenges are back and this week:
Do you have a problem or is there something you're struggling with? Small or big, something that just won't go away? No matter where you look you can't find the solution?

This week's challenge is to share a struggle or problem you're currently facing and ask other Blog This members for advice and suggestions!

So, mine isnt exactly a huge problem, and its not exactly a struggle ( i've already blogged the whole sleep issue thing to death, and Operation Slimdown is its own kettle of fish ) but here' what i want to put to you guys: my gorgeous Flynn is now 9 and half months old, which means his first birthday is slowly creeping up on me, and no doubt time will fly in the lead up to Christmas. I'm already starting to think about his first birthday party which i'd love to be a small, simple, fun affair for everyone involved. Bearing in mind the majority of guests will be adults and family ( i'm going to invite a few of his little friends from mothers group though ) i'm thinking a barbecue at Grandma and Poppys place is the best way to go. However, their is still the matter of the most important part ( for me ) of the whole shebang -
What in the hell crap am i going to make for his first birthday cake?!?
I want something thats going to be cute and look good in photos, so we can look back and say " Look at that cool cake Mummy made you when you turned one! ". I have a few ideas - maybe i could do a caterpillar, cutting five "rounds " from some larger cakes and spell out his name on the body using Smarties; maybe i could make a puppy dog face because he really likes his " Woof Woof! " book; Maybe i could just make something yummy and stick Elmo's face on it. But thats all i got people - i needs some suggestions!
Things to bear in mind - he's turning one; his birthday is December 27th so he's pretty much a Christmas baby; he's good with motor skills and Sesame Street seems to be his favourite tv show.

So go to it ladies and (possible ) gents - do you have any suggestions for a cute 1st birthday cake?

Friday, October 8, 2010

We're Back!

Why hello there loyal reader types! Flynn and I are finally back from Tresillian and, i got to admit, i'm feeling pretty good. I thought i might feel a little apprehensive coming home, away from the nurses and the encouraging words of other mums, but i'm feeling confident that we're going to have our whole new routine downpat in no time at all. Granted, Flynn didnt have an afternoon nap this afternoon but, after a 6 hour car trip home, you cant blame him for feeling a little muddled. So what did we learn at this "sleep school "?

* Nothing is miraculously fixed overnight - at Flynns age, it can take up to 6 weeks for a new routine to be learned and settled into comfortably ( not the usual 2 suggested by most literature i've read ).
* Consistency is key. This one i already knew but found hard to stick to, especially when i was trying to get him to sleep when i was home alone.
* Watch the clock. It may feel like they've been screaming " for ages " and that they've been in bed long enough. In reality, its probably only been about 10 minutes.
* Bub should be having, at the very least, a 1 hr nap. If he wakes before that ( say, after 45 minutes ) i need to leave him in his cot ( going back in to check and calm ) for another FULL SLEEP CYCLE. Which is another 45 minutes....sometimes it takes that long for a baby to fall back to sleep.
* Dont stand and pat your baby until he falls asleep - be hands on to calm him down, but once he's calm, leave the room. Patting til he's asleep might help him drift off, but it doesnt teach him to drift off ON HIS OWN.
* No matter how hard they cry and how much it hurts, they will stop sometimes. Eventually. Really, i promise.
* Also, the whole " baby cant self settle " thing is just bad habit, not bad mothering. Phew - so i can stop torturing myself over that one.

Honestly? I think it was a definate help going down there. Yes, they (generally ) use a controlled crying technique but i was ok with that because i'd tried everything else and nothing had worked. Plus, its not a horrible, parental abandonment type of controlled crying - its reading tired signs and listening to the cry and going back in at short intervals to calm bub down and reassure him he's tired and needs to go to sleep. Its the same kind of thing i was trying to do at home, i just needed a bit of guidance. I'm grateful to the nurses for sharing their knowledge with me, for answering my stupid questions, and for calming ME down when i cracked and burst into tears on the first day.

I'm actually looking forward to the challenge of implementing and sticking with the new routine ( which is only slightly tweaked from our old one ) and seeing how long it takes to be entirely successful. With no afternoon nap its only taken Flynn 10 minutes to fall asleep for the night so thats a good start!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Operation Slimdown, Mach 2 - Week 2

So, we're into week 2 of OS:M2 and, truth be told, i dont really have much to tell you. In fact, this is kind of a non-update. Its not that i havent been trying because i really, really i have, i promise. Its just that i'm down here with Flynn at Tresillian and i dont have a mesauring tape or scales, so i cant get any results to share.

I will say however that i did exercise 6 out of the 7 days since the start of OS:M2. Good for me! I went for a half hour walk 4 days, did a " Fat Blasting Yoga " dvd one day ( and yes, Denise Austin, i DID feel the burn... ), my usual hr long Zumba class on Wednesday night and am being cheeky enough to count a vigorous bout of " horizontal exercise " as an official exercise session. I've felt better for it i think, even though that yoga dvd reminded me of muscles i 'd forgotten i even had.

I cut back on portion sizes, as evidenced by the fact we had leftovers everyday, and i managed to drink at least a litre of water everyday, sometimes a little more. To be honest, i dont actually feel as though i've lost any weight, and i cant notice my clothes fitting any differently, so perhaps its a good thing that i cant get any measurements done today! The last two days have been bit of a bust diet wise ( travelling plus hospital food do not a health diet make ) and its been raining almost the entire time we've been here in Penrith so i havent been able to go out for the walks i'd hoped to take.

No matter, I'll call the rest of this week a write off and perserve next week. Fingers crossed i have some kind of loss to report next Tuesday!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

We're Here!

We're here, at Tresillian, finally.
I got the call at 12:30pm yesterday ( Sunday ) saying that they had a spot for me at 9am in the morning - could i be there? Well it may be a 5 and half drive from where i live but yes i could! I madly washed and ried some clothes Flynn and i would need, packed our bags - hoping that i didnt forget anything important - and we hit the road by 4pm. An overnight sleepover at Micks aunties place and we were admitted at 9am this morning, as promised.

I'm not sure how i'm feeling right now. There's no denying that you are in a hospital - hospital rooms, hospital bathrooms and, perhaps worst of all, hospital food - so my immediate reaction to the place was " what the hell am i doing here? its so depressing! " but now that we've settled in a bit, its not so bad. The nurses so far have been wonderful, and the other mums i've run into are good for a chat. They have great trashy magazines, and a vending machine so i can supplement the hospital meals with good stuff - like chocolate ( which, sadly, means that OS:M2 will not be so much of a success this week ). I had a little meltdown around lunchtime, trying to get Flynn to take a nap that he wouldnt normally take, and the nurses were great about it. I know its going to be a long, hard week, especially away from Mick, but i also know that i can do it.

I can do it, and i will. Just watch me!

Friday, October 1, 2010

We're In!

So i had my interview via telephone with Tresillian ( a sleep clinic for babies/toddlers ) and... we've been accepted. Thank Gawd! We've actually been put on the urgent list so hopefully we can be admitted within a week. Only thing is it will be on short notice so they may ring me Monday ( for example ) and ask me to be there ready to start on Tuesday - which means packing a bag for Flynn and I and hightailing it the almost 6 hr drive to Sydney. On my own, most likely - Mick doesnt think he will be able to come because of the short notice thing ( he's a truck driver so he may be away in another town when the call comes ).

I'm happy that we're finally going to get some help, but also a little upset with myself that i was too stubborn and proud to ask for help earlier. I mean i have asked for some help - we've been liasing with our community health nurse, and family and friends have been pestered for suggestion for months. But it was my stupid pride, my " I can do this by myself " attitude, that kept me from seeking proper  help. I just didnt want to admit that i couldnt be the Supermum who knew everything about her baby and could everything perfectly the first time around. I wanted so badly to be able to say " yea, we had trouble sleeping, but i fixed that! ". But i cant - or at least not yet.

Sometime in the next week or two i will be able to say " yea, we had trouble sleeping, but i fixed that... with some help ". I want to be more confident as a mum, because even though i know my son is happy and healthy for the most part, and that i'm awesome and some mummy stuff, this whole no-sleeping jazz really put a dent in my belief in my mothering abilities. So fingers crossed we get in sooner rather than later and Mr Flynn and I ( oh, and Mick, yea him too ) can get back to some good sleep and good times!