So - i have been doing a bit of thinking the past few days. I know, i'm prone to thinking all the time, but i've been thinking on something in particular. I have recently - as in the past week - made a connection with a nice young guy who lives a whole tonne of hours away from me. He seems really sweet and certainly seems to think i'm pretty nice. I'm not just assuming this. He's told me, several times, even several times in one day, in the few days we have been chatting. He has my mobile number and i gave it to him on the condition that he only use it to text message me - which he has, repeatedly. Its not that i think he's a stalker or anything, he's just very enthusiastic. He sent me an email today in which, amongst other things, he mentioned that he has already imagined meeting me and maybe we could, eventually, be an " us ". I knew he thought a bit of me, but it was slightly confronting to be told he'd thought that much.
It was confronting because as much as it might be nice to be in a relationship, i cant be in one with someone who lives so far away. I cant do it. At one point i thought i could, and maybe sometime in the fuuture i could but as of right now its just not a possibility. I have realised that i cant indulge in an emotional relationship with someone if i cant have that person here to hug me; kiss me; hold me when i'm upset; spoon me as i sleep; or even just have plain old sex with. I have realised that having that emotional connection without the tangeability of the physical might just do my head in. Or my heart in, but for me thats all connected.
My problem is i have met some really great people over the internet and they always live so far away from me. There are three in particular that i appreciate beyond measure.
Let me put it like this : its like my life is a room. The first guy came into my life, not so long ago, when the room was dark, and he switched the light on. The room was basically still the same but i could see everything clearer - it wasnt so much different, just a better, more illuminated version of the room i always had, but didnt know was there. I'd never been able to see it in the dark. I loved him for it, and meant to tell him so, but got my words ( or meanings ) confused . After that, i dont so much think he switched the light off - more like the bulb blew and i havent gotten around to fixing it yet.
The second guy is slightly different. I've known him for a very long time and its only just recently that i've realised i love him very much. Its not so much that he switched a light on - rather, he's trying to get me to switch it on for myself. He always has, i see now - he's always told me i can get that ladder, get my arse up there and change that light bulb, all on my own. If i believe i can climb those few feet, everything will be lit up again, and it will all be of my own doing.
The third? Well, firstly she isnt a guy, And secondly, she doesnt quite fit into the whole " life is room " metaphor. If she did, she'd probably be one of the rooms i'd want next to mine, in the same house, one you could swap furnishings with or that would inspire you to re-decorate. Truth be told, she's the kind of gal every other gal would want as friend, thats why i love her too. I'd say we were faux lesbian lovers only i believe that whole fake girly infatuation thing may have been passed onto someone else for now :) .
So thats what i was thinking, that some of the people i appreciate most i havent actually met, or in one case i have but i dont know whether it will ever happen again. And the only reason i was thinking that is because someone wants to meet me, after only a few days. How can he even know me yet? Sure, its probably because he wants to know MORE about me, but 8 and half hours is a long way to come just for that. Perhaps after a few months, but if he confesses to having thought about it already, how patient will he be before it turns to misguided infatuation ?
Or worse - boredom and ultimate rejection ?
Taking Shape x Elverina Johnson collection
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