I had dinner with my best friend and her parents this Friday just gone. My best friend lives around four and half hours way, so any time i get to spend with her is great. Plus, i like her parents. I still find it hard to call them by their first names rather than Mr and Mrs, but thats just the way i was raised. I'm happy to have a chat with them, be irreverant and joke around. So its nice when i get invited to dinner at her parents place while she's back home - its nice to be included. However, i'm not so close to my best friends parents that we can be totally open and honest with one another.
See, whilst we were waiting for the dinner to cook teh four of us were sitting around the dinner table having a lovely conversation when my best friend asked me if i had any gossip on anybody in town to share with her. I said that i had not been out since her hens night ( the night that was ruined for me ) and so no, no gossip for her at all. To this her mother says " well, if you never go out, how are you ever going to meet anyone ? " . I dont know if my face dropped or it was just the look in my eyes but my best friend turns to me, then turns to her mother and goes " oh mum, stop it.... dont nag " ( or something to that effect ). Seriously, if we had been eating, i probably would have choked on my food. Its not that what she said was offensive or overly insulting in some way, but rather that it was too " intimate " a thing for her to say when she doesnt really know me all that well. Of course i know it was meant in a kind, motherly, i'm-concerned-for-you kind of way, but to be truthful - it kind of hurt.
I know that if i dont go anywhere, i wont meet anyone. I'm not an idiot. Unless Prince Charming shows up randomly at my front door, i am not going to find him by staying at home. I know that, but it doesnt make the " going out " part any easier. The very innocent comment hurt because its not easy for me to just go out, especially on my own, and my best friends mother has no idea why. She doesnt know about my depression, or anxieties or any of that crap - or at least i dont think she does. I think thats why my best friend tried to shush her mother, to help me - its not like i can just sit up at the table and say " oh yea, i get that, its just my social anxieties prevent me from going out and meeting people. Frankly, doing something like that on my own scares the BooJesus out of me. ".
Its just not something you bring up in polite dinner tabel conversation:
" So what have you been up to Amy ? "
" Well the usual work and the gym four times a week.. oh, and i was recently rediagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder and am now back on meds and seeing a pyschologist ".
I mean, you dont just say that do you? I suppose its not really something that needs to be hidden, people these days should be relatively tolerant, but for some reason i feel the need to NOT tell everybody. Like my best friends parents - even though i know they like me, they're interested in what i'm doing because i'm a part of their daughters life, i dont feel like they need to know that i have complex and confronting issues going on.
Also, i dont like harping on about it all the time. Even here, in my own blog - it must be incredibly boring to people to reading about my concern for myself all the time, like i have nothing better to discuss. I promise that i'm trying to make more frequent entries, and less entries about my personal problems - frankly, i'd much rather discuss a social issue, or moral dilemma, or hell, even how awesome its going to be when NSW beat Queensland in the State of Origin this year ( thats a reference for Sonny, if he's reading.... )
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