Toys!Toys!Toys!

Oh yes, mums and daddies, its that time of year again - toy sale time! Catalogues with pages and pages of toys and games, crazy mums heading out to the shops at midnight, trolleys everywhere and lay-by lineups that go for hours. Oh the joy of it all!

Image from here

I have to say, i did well this year. Last i went to the Big W toy sale 3 days after it started, expecting that they would still have plenty of the toys i wanted. Uh - Fail! But i was a newbie toy sale-er back then... i didnt know abot the crazy crush of mums who get there bang on midnight and spend half the night in a lay-by line. So this year, a little older and a little wiser, i prepared. I scoured the catalogues and made myself a list of what we wanted to for Flynn and for our two neices and 3 nephews; i double checked prices and Googled the items i liked to make sure they were appropriate; and i did a scout around the store a day or two beforehand so i knew where the things i wanted would be. Genius Mummy!

We ended up getting our two biggest purchases from Myer which meant that when i went to BIg W today i wouldnt have to get as much ( which meant there were less things for me to miss out on ). I didnt go at midnight with the other pyscho-mummies ( sleep is far too precious to me for that! ) but i did go at 8am, after Flynn and I had had breakfast, showered and got dressed. There was hardly anyone there - all the hardcore toy sal-ers had been and gone; and the slowpokes and newbies probably didnt realise the store was open continously from midnight. We were in, shopped, lay-byed and out in 45 mins!

And yes, before i praise myself too much and someone else points it - yes i know you can now do the shopping online. However, not all items are available online and part of me actually likes the planning and the searching and the satisfaction of finding all the stuff on my list. And now we have all the presents sorted for Christmas and all we need to get in December is a present for each other. Cant get much better than that i dont think!
How about you - did you or are you planning to hit up the toy sales this year? Are you an online shopper or a hands on kinda gal like me?

That Old, Ugly Feeling...

Does anyone else have those little meltdowns, those days when your whole mood is just completely off kilter and there isnt much you can do to change it?


Yea, well i had one of those on Sunday. I woke feeling not quite right, like halfway through the night the happy, satisfied part of myself had decided to slip between the sheets and not show her face in the morning. I felt frumpy, tired, ugly and irritable. I thought dressing up a little would lift my mood, so instead of my usual jeans/jumper/Converse All Stars combo i threw some tights on under a summer dress, with a cardy and boots. I really liked my outift ( way cute! ) but, even so, it did little to liven me up. Now i just felt like a fat, ugly frump wearing a pretty dress. So - no better then. I tried to put on a smiley happy face but it didnt stop the sense of "blah, blah, shitty, blah " from spreading through the inside of me. Even Micks playful teasing - which i usually give as good as i get - didnt make me smile. In fact, it only served to make me feel worse.

Image from here

And why? Was there a reason for this overwhelming feeling of ugly emptiness? I kept telling Mick "no, i dont know, not really ", telling him that i was just having a bad day. But that wasnt exactly true...

She's having another baby.
She's having another baby, and i'm not.

Why oh why is my sense of self-worth so still tied up with her? Why is the way i feel about myself so bound by what she does, or thinks, or says? Why can i feel so fulfilled and happy and confident in what i have and what i want, but one Facebook status is enough to bring me undone? And i cant even see the status ( i was "de-friended", remember? ) so i hear the news from Mick, and i have to bite my lip and say " Oh, really? Good on them " without also saying " I wish we were having one now too ".

Because, believe it or not, i am both happy for her and extremely jealous - even though my plans for a baby are only a few months from getting underway ( as it were... ). For some reason, the fact that she is adding to her family first makes me unbelievably sad for myself, like again i'll be sitting in her shadow and she'll be getting the things i would like to have for myself. Which, in retrospect, is probably how she felt when i was pregnant.... she had been trying to conceive for a while and there i was, falling pregnant accidentally. The difference is a) she already had everything else, and had it for a long time, while i was plodding along with the lower paid job, living with my parents while i saved for a home, spending years without a man to love me, having to scrimp and save for every little thing i wanted, when everything else came so easily to her.... and b) i can be envious that its not my time BUT i can still wish her the best. She didnt do that for me.

So, even though we havent spoken for almost a year, i sent her a message of congratulations. I got a polite, yet curt, " Thank you " in return. I dont know what i was expecting - if anything at all - but i had hoped for something more. Selfishly maybe - maybe sending her a message was inappropriate, like i was trying to get something from her that she isnt willing to give. Maybe it was me subconsciously trying to say " See? This is what you should have done for me. Why couldnt you just put your jealousy aside ? ". I dont know. I dont want to psycho-analyse myself anymore, I'm tired of picking apart and second guessing the choices i make ( made. didnt make. apparently made... ). Whats is done now but what remains is that there is a baby on the way, but its not on its way to me... and i feel like a failure.

Dear Flynn, Aged 18 months

Dearest Flynn Charlie

Happy 18 month-aversary honeybee! I cant believe that you are 18 months old already, which means its only 6 months til you are 2 - and then you really will be classed as a "toddler " and not a baby anymore. Not that it matters - you've been telling me for months you're a " boy " and only refer to yourself as a baby when we have special hug-gles together, and even then the " baby " part is accompanied by a cheeky grin.

See? That cheeky grin!

Actually, most things are accompanied by a cheeky grin. You've grown into such a happy, smiley, giggling ratbag of a boy. You're a cheeky little monkey, a real " boys boy " - you love nothing more than mucking in with Daddy or Poppy in the garage or backyard. You're apparently quite the hands-on little person too ... Poppy was very impressed when you watched him for only a few minutes and then you were able to put a pop rivet in the pop rivet gun all by yourself ( a Bob the Builder in the making maybe... )

All this " boy " stuff doesnt mean you dont also love spending time with me. I love the time we get to spend together readig books, or doing puzzles, and i think its incredibly funny that every morning you want to hide in the wardrobe with my shoes while i get dressed! You still get very much attached to me when you are sick or tired, and although i sometimes wish i could have my lap back, i secretly dont mind...

Kind of helping in the yard

In the past 6 months from my last letter you have:
* developed an amazing vocabulary. I dont mean to boast, but you speak very well for your age;
* had battles with Mummy and Daddy over your food - you still manage to eat A LOT, but you fell out of love with your vegies for a while there. Currently you smash down roast vegies, and will happily munch on raw capsicum, carrot and sometimes beans;
*had your first kiss from a girl - ooh la la! Olivia came over for a playdate and gave you a smoochy when she was leaving. You might have pulled a weird face, but I'm now planning on your wedding...
* learned to climb up the play equipment at two of our favourite playgrounds all by yourself. I still need to stand by and make sure you dont fall, but you can pull yourself up the steps. You've also found the courage to go down the slippery dip - but your favourite is still the swings.
* discovered a love of chocolate ( thank you Easter Bunny! ) that i think may actually be genetic... at least once a day you say " Mummy? Coc-o-lit ? "

Picnicing at our favourite playground

.... and so many other things. You've also been unfortunate enough to have croup 3 times, and a stint with a week long virus which changed you from a tiny tear-about to a tired, fluffy little baby-lump inside a few hours. But, most of the time, you are loud, crazy, boy-energy personified. And i wouldnt have you any other way.
Love ya guts ( and your stinky little feet ),
Your mummy...

Trust Yourself - Intuition

( By Susan Piver ) If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?


Wow - you know, though i've always kind of relied on my intution ( though for a while there "intuition " was very heavily influenced by " negative thought process " ) i've never actually thought about what she might look personified. Oh yea, my intution is definately a "she " - that much i'm sure of. A strong, sultry "she ", one who knows her own mind ( is that my own mind? ). I'm thinking long auburn hair, green eyes, taller than me and curvy. A strong, fiery redhead. I mean, she'd have to be to get me to listen to her, wouldnt she? I'm not going to take my cues from any old mousey, wet-blanket, woman. You know what? Think Famke Janssen in the " X-Men " movies and thats pretty close to what i'm picturing here....

Or maybe she looks like this...( image from here )

As for dinner - what the hell am i supposed to feed the inner woman who guides most of what i do? ( Hell, i say most, because lets not pretend that " negative thought process " doesnt still win out sometimes... ) It'd have to be something good, something hearty and comforting and satisfactorily filling. Something that could accompany a good heart-to-heart. Roast chicken would be the best bet i think... or is that what my intuition tells me?

What she would tell me is that my feelings of needing to change jobs are right. I keep thinking it back over, and putting myself in my co-workers shoes, but my intuition would tell me that for my family to be put first, i have to leave when i get the chance.
She'd tell me to make contact, even though it probably wont be returned the way i hope. Just put myself out there and do it, and prove that i can be what she wasnt.
And lastly she'd tell me that i'm a good mum. She tells me that all the time as it is, even when the self-doubt creeps in.

What would your intuition look like? Be like? Tell you?

Polly Dolly - Workin' 9 To 5

So i'm a bit late to this weeks Polly Dolly ( i was off adventuring with Mick - more about that later ) but this week the lovely Dani from Danimezza wants to know what Polly wears when she's...

At my office we ( unfortunately ) have to wear a uniform - navy trousers, black pin stripe shirt and black closed-toe shoes. Yes, black and navy together... whoever designed our uniform apparently knows little about fashion rules. But Polly here is wearing what i would love to be able to wear to work. The beautiful print skirt would be the centrepiece, paired with a basic black knit top and basic black tights. Then i'd add mininal accessories in a bright colour to liven up the black, but keep the outfit looking professional ( cue a chunky beaded necklace and some cute flats ).I'm also a fan of wearing my hair in a relaxed low bun for work ( a la Natalie Portman ) and the Jason Wu glasses are a must for a girl with poor eyesight. A tote big enough to carry not only my wallet and phone and everyday essentials, but my cute little Netbook too. Finish off with a light tinted moisturiser and dont forget my water bottle ( i dont drink coffee *gasp!* so i have a bottle of water on my desk all day ) and Polly is ready to head to the office?
What would your Polly wear to her 9 -5 ?

Shameless Self Promotion

Would you believe that i started blogging way back in 2007? No, probably not, especially not if you paid any attention to my blog stats. Which i sort of do, but kind of dont. See, even though i'm an old pro at the art of blog posting, the social media skills required for full-scale blogging success are still alluding me. I signed up for Twitter last year but have only just started "using " it; I've only just cottoned onto the awesome bloggy-community that is Digital Parents; and after 5 years of blogging, i've only just decided it might be wise to make myself a Facebook fan page ( although i'm not comfortable with the term " fan " page - i'm no celebrity! I dont have fans! ).

So please overlook my previous lack of utilising social media, and allow me this one chance at blog-whoring:

Please come " Like " me!

Find me on Twitter and chat to me about #Masterchef, the #Trust30 and sharing #TMI !

Be my friend on Digital Parents so i feel a part of the big mummy blog family!

Ok, alright, enough now - what i'm saying is its only taken me 5 years to realise that socialising within blog circles is important ( duh Amy - you dunderhead! ) and may just open up doors that would otherwise remained closed...

*NOTE* - My blog-whoring does not reach as far as " following " for "followings " sake. Unless you want to ( follow me please! )... though be pre-warned i'll only follow back if your fabulous!

Itchy

You know that feeling of wanting something, and wanting it now, now, NOW? That unscratchable itch? Yea, well i've got the itch, and i've got it bad. Its like my brain is stuck in fast-forward, and the more i dwell on thoughts of the future, the "itchier" i get. I'm wanting three things:

1) I want to get married
2) I want to build a house and
3) I want to have another baby.
And i want all these things to happen tomorrow, or at least thats how i've been feeling the last few weeks or so.

He's definately got an itch....

Its crazy really - each of those things are very realistically on the cards, its just that i cant shake these feelings of wanting to have it all happen tomorrow, next week, next month... not next year, or the year after that. I mean, our wedding is now only just over 4 months away ( which, in reality, is crazy/scary soon ... ) yet night after night i run through the plans in my head and secretly wish that everything was already organised and we could just say the " I do "s this weekend. After the wedding, Mick and I are planning on having another baby - and by planning i mean i've sat down and figured out how to manipulate the Pill so i have my last period right before the wedding and we can start baby-making on the honeymoon. And when we have another child, a two bedroom duplex is just not going to be enough room, so the want for another house will be more like a need. And, rather than buy an established home ( which is still a great fallback plan ) what we'd like to do is buy a block of land in a village just outside of the town we live in and build. I'm not talking anything fancy - no giant McMansion for us - just a 3 or 4 bedroom home, with built-ins and a nice big kitchen. We've even looked at the option of having a kit home/transportable home built by a local company and have found that it makes things pretty affordable for us, providing we sell the duplex before borrowing money for the build. Realistically, all this selling and borrowing and building cant happen til at least the end of this year, and all the timing becomes a bit trickier if you throw a pregnancy into the mix.

I guess what i'm saying is - who wants to give me $250 000? No, no, thats not it ( athough, if you have deep pockets... ). What i really mean is even though i have this crazy urge to have it all, and have it NOW, i also know that the more i focus on the future, the less i'm concentrating on the now. I'm living with my head in the proverbial clouds, which means i'm missing so much of whats happening down here in the real world. The real, tangible, its-happening-right-now... well... now. So - its not just me is it? Tell me i'm not the only one who is itching to get things done, and to do it all without resorting to massive credit card debt or an astronomical mortage?