That Old, Ugly Feeling...

Does anyone else have those little meltdowns, those days when your whole mood is just completely off kilter and there isnt much you can do to change it?


Yea, well i had one of those on Sunday. I woke feeling not quite right, like halfway through the night the happy, satisfied part of myself had decided to slip between the sheets and not show her face in the morning. I felt frumpy, tired, ugly and irritable. I thought dressing up a little would lift my mood, so instead of my usual jeans/jumper/Converse All Stars combo i threw some tights on under a summer dress, with a cardy and boots. I really liked my outift ( way cute! ) but, even so, it did little to liven me up. Now i just felt like a fat, ugly frump wearing a pretty dress. So - no better then. I tried to put on a smiley happy face but it didnt stop the sense of "blah, blah, shitty, blah " from spreading through the inside of me. Even Micks playful teasing - which i usually give as good as i get - didnt make me smile. In fact, it only served to make me feel worse.

Image from here

And why? Was there a reason for this overwhelming feeling of ugly emptiness? I kept telling Mick "no, i dont know, not really ", telling him that i was just having a bad day. But that wasnt exactly true...

She's having another baby.
She's having another baby, and i'm not.

Why oh why is my sense of self-worth so still tied up with her? Why is the way i feel about myself so bound by what she does, or thinks, or says? Why can i feel so fulfilled and happy and confident in what i have and what i want, but one Facebook status is enough to bring me undone? And i cant even see the status ( i was "de-friended", remember? ) so i hear the news from Mick, and i have to bite my lip and say " Oh, really? Good on them " without also saying " I wish we were having one now too ".

Because, believe it or not, i am both happy for her and extremely jealous - even though my plans for a baby are only a few months from getting underway ( as it were... ). For some reason, the fact that she is adding to her family first makes me unbelievably sad for myself, like again i'll be sitting in her shadow and she'll be getting the things i would like to have for myself. Which, in retrospect, is probably how she felt when i was pregnant.... she had been trying to conceive for a while and there i was, falling pregnant accidentally. The difference is a) she already had everything else, and had it for a long time, while i was plodding along with the lower paid job, living with my parents while i saved for a home, spending years without a man to love me, having to scrimp and save for every little thing i wanted, when everything else came so easily to her.... and b) i can be envious that its not my time BUT i can still wish her the best. She didnt do that for me.

So, even though we havent spoken for almost a year, i sent her a message of congratulations. I got a polite, yet curt, " Thank you " in return. I dont know what i was expecting - if anything at all - but i had hoped for something more. Selfishly maybe - maybe sending her a message was inappropriate, like i was trying to get something from her that she isnt willing to give. Maybe it was me subconsciously trying to say " See? This is what you should have done for me. Why couldnt you just put your jealousy aside ? ". I dont know. I dont want to psycho-analyse myself anymore, I'm tired of picking apart and second guessing the choices i make ( made. didnt make. apparently made... ). Whats is done now but what remains is that there is a baby on the way, but its not on its way to me... and i feel like a failure.

Trust Yourself - Scared To Do

( By Mary Jaksch )Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.


You know what - i think i've written about quite a bit of " scary " stuff on here. Depression, suicide, loneliness, heartbreak, lying, manipulation and selfishness. Thats some pretty scary shit right there, some stuff that i know other bloggers wouldnt even contemplate writing about. But back when i started this blog, thats primarily what it was for - it was a way of externalising all those things that were weighing me down. It really didnt matter to me whether anyone else read it or not ( although helpful comments were always appreciated ). So when i first saw the question posed in this prompt, i really didnt know what i could answer with. " I've done all the scary stuff - end question " ? And then it hit me...

Image from here

Revenge. Cold, hard, bitchin' revenge. I dont want to admit the feelings i'm having because to even think them makes me sick - what kind of person must i bet to feel this way? Doesn't even having these thoughts make me just as bad as she was? Or does it make me as bad as she said i am? But now here i am, going to admit them, in writing, for all of you to judge .... and thats scary. But you know what would be so satisfying to me? The " revenge " that would make me feel so much better about the way she treated me? What would make me feel like the "winner" ?

Falling pregnant and having another beautiful baby before she does....

Wishful Thinking

I wish i was finding it easier to get past this.
I wish random little things didnt turn my mind to you.
I wish i didnt have to see your car driving around town, or worry about bumping into you somewhere.
I wish i'd never met you.
I wish, in my heart of hearts, that i really believed that.
I wish you hadnt made me feel so bitter. I want to be a better person than that.
I wish you hadnt lied, and kept up that lie, leading me on.
I wish you could see that thats exactly what you did, instead of denying it, and then giving me no chance of showing you evidence of the fact.
And i wish i hadnt found those photos. I simultaneously love and hate the way photos can call up memories. Memories i wish i didnt have.

I was cleaning out the bottom of Flynns wardrobe on Friday which, despite being his cupboard, is actually the storage spot for all of my old bills, correspondences and paperwork. There was plenty of crap in there that just went straight into the re-cycling bin but amongst it all i found a folder of photos of me and my ex-best friend. I wish i hadnt found them. For those of you who are new around here or those of you who missed it - my "best friend " dumped me late last year, saying she just didnt want to be friends with me anymore. There are, of course, more elaborate details to it than that ( me sending her a text announcing my pregnancy, her not speaking to me for a month or so and then saying i shouldnt be having a baby, "forgiving " each other, then me being ignored after she fell pregnant and gave birth to her own child and me expressing my disappointment and anger about it here on my blog... you know, just to name a few )but basically, in the end, it came down to the fact she didnt want to be friends with me anymore because, apparently, i'd changed. Not knowing how, or when, this change had come about she said she didnt really want to talk about it, but that the first time she noticed the so-called change and was annoyed by my behaviour was late 2008.

Stumped, i mulled things over. I pondered what i'd done, when i'd done it; i cried myself to sleep some nights and i cried in the shower most mornings for weeks on end; i talked things over, to myself, trying to figure things out. And then, after all that, i re-read through 2 years worth of emails.... and thats when i realised. She lied to me. Despite my angry and ill-thought-out blog post which was pretty much the beginning of the end ( and which i regret ), despite how angry she was at me for it and despite how many insults she threw at me, horrible characteristics she attributed to me.... SHE LIED. She lied to me for over a year and, in doing so, manipulated my feelings. She made me feel like the lowest being on the face of the earth for something as simple as a text message....BUT SHE LIED. She lead me on, and i have proof. I found it, with the photos. A copy of an email ( in regards to some advice i asked her for ), dated 25th March 2009, which ends in the following paragraph:
P.S. At the end of all this, I love that you value my opinion so much, but it IS your life and only you know how you feel so only you will know what's right. Either way I will be there for you no matter what happens. Mwah Mwah


LIAR. She said that, 5 months after i supposedly changed and offended her with my behaviour. 5 months after she realised she didnt really like me anymore. Why would she say that, if she didnt mean it? Why would she then still email me, the same old friendly chat, but deliberately go out of her way NOT to see me when she came home for the weekend? Why would she then, after " the text " and supposed forgivness, play happy friends with the rest of our peers but ignore me? Because she's a liar. And she lead me on, and manipulated me into thinking we were still close, and just waited til all that negligence and ignorance did my head in, and i made a mistake, so she could end the friendship but still be the " good guy ".

And, to be quite frank - thats not fucking fair.

Birthday Blues

Firstly – yes, i know i haven’t posted for a week. Its uncharacteristic. Truth be told, i have no excuse except the fact that i couldn’t really be bothered. I have been reading, and commenting, on other peoples blogs, i just haven’t been enthused enough to write anything on mine. But i digress....


For those of you have been paying attention the past few weeks, this past Saturday was my 27th birthday. I had big plans to go to the zoo with Mick and Flynn but the stinking hot weather put an end to that ( too hot for us, and too hot for the animals to even bother coming out of their shade or shelters ). No matter – i thought my boys could take me to lunch, and then i could have birthday cake with my family. All good.

But it wasn’t – it wasn’t all good at all. My mind, and my heart, wouldn’t let it be. I wanted so much to really enjoy my birthday, to enjoy the time with my family, but i just couldn’t. Somewhere in the back of my mind, in the depths of my heart....there she was. There it was – the shadow of my lost friendship, hanging like a black cloud over everything. Even though i was surrounded by family, i felt like something ( or someone ) was missing. The first birthday with no “ happy birthday! “ text, no card, no shared cake. And even though i had loving family around me i felt strangely, mind-numbingly, alone.

I had lunch with Mick ( Flynns teeth were playing up and i didn’t fancy having a squirmy, sooky toddler with me at the restaurant), then we had birthday cake at home, an d then i went for dinner at my parents ( which i didn’t eat, because i didn’t feel hungry ). The first chance i got i snuck off and sobbed my heart out, the kind of sobbing that makes you dry heave and makes your head ache. My dad came and found me and i poured my heart out to him – he’s always really good with advice and gave me a few words of wisdom, and confirmed that i am NOT, in fact, a horrible person. So i swallowed my tears and went down to the loungeroom to watch “ Toy Story 3 “.

And thats my birthday – drowned in a sea of lonliness and bitterness and hurt, and seemingly controlled by someone who wasn’t even there. Bring on my 28th!

The Seven Stages

I dont know if its common knowledge or not, but apparently there are 7 stages of grieving for a human being.
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and frusturation
4. Depression and reflection
5. The " upward " turn
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance

Strangely, after the "break up " with my best friend, i find myself going through these stages. No-one has died, yet i still feel grief for a relationship lost. Is that weird? And do you know where i think i'm up to?
3. Anger and Frusturation - Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else . This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. Yes, after all these years of being meek and mild, of being the kind of person who dislikes confrontation, who can find the good in most people, i've finally arrived at "angry ". I'm not exactly wanting to " lay unwarranted blame " because as far as i'm concerned it takes two to tango ( so they say ). I am at the stage where i have confronted the accusations thrown at me and come to accept that even if i dont understand where they have come from, i do understand that they are real to her, and i have accepted responsibility for that. However, i have also looked back on the past few years of relationship and have had the clarity to see all those little things i missed, those signs that i was on the outer....and i feel stupid. I feel like i've been lead on and played for a fool, and that makes me both sad and angry. Sad that i missed them all and i could have saved myself this heartache, if only i werent so trusting; and angry that i could have been treated that way by someone who once, supposedly, loved me.And angry, too, that she can't or wont "own " how she's made me feel.
And yes, its time for the release of bottled up emotion. But i wont do that here, and i wont do it to her face ( partly because i dont want to cause any more trouble, and partly because i have no line of communication with her anymore ). No, i do it in the shower, like all good women. In the shower i'm free to talk under the sound of the water, to whisper all those words i'd like to say, to let out the feelings that have been dragging me down the last few weeks, and to cry and cry and cry, and let the water wash away any evidence of my tears.
In the shower i can be naked, physically and emotionally, and i can let.It.Out. I just wonder how much longer til i reach the seventh stage and i can let it all go....

Pricked Again

Well - its over.

My ( now former ) best friend found my blog and didnt like what she read. She wasnt happy at what i had assumed about her husband, and i guess i cant blame her - it was an assumption after all. ( And, as we sadly know, retrospect is both a blessing and a curse ). But after months of being ignored by him ( and her aswell ) or, at the very least, getting the simplest of civil " hello's " i dont know what else i was supposed to think. Generally when someone does not speak to you, or speaks to you only because they feel obligated to, it means they dont actually like you. At least, thats my experience. Apparently her husband had nothing but the highest regards for Mick but, again, i didnt hear anything about it until too late. If he, or she, had made these apparent positive feelings known to me, I would never have had the chance to assume the worst ( as an over-active mind is want to do ).

I received any email from my friend yesterday morning, telling me how arrogant and nasty and horrible a person i am, how insecure I am in myself and my relationship, how hypocritical and judgemental and full of myself i am, and detailing every perceived slight against her dating back to high school. She berated me for confiding my feelings in my blog and not giving her husband a chance to defend himself, yet in the same breath brings up every " bad " thing i have ever done in the time she has known me, some of which i was not even aware of - which gives me no chance to defend myself. She said that we no longer have anything in common, that neither of us cares anymore, and that we're holding onto nothing. This may be true on her part but if i didnt care, would i have felt passionately enough to have let my feelings out? If i didnt care anymore i would have been happy to just see less and less of her until years down the track we realised we were no longer in each others lives. I did care, and i thought, after last years debacle, that there was still something to hold onto. She herself said so in an email back then - that we could both try and we'd only grow closer. Truth is, i was the only one who tried.

After our falling out when i announced my pregnancy, things were rough. We communicated gingerly, but when she herself fell pregnant she contacted me, elated and excited. I thought things were going to be great but i was always the instigator of any contact from that point. I would text her to see how her pregnancy was, email to see how she was feeling; when i was going into labour she was the second person i called ( after my mum ) because i wanted to share that crazy/scary moment with my best friend; i found out her daughter was born by a generic text message she sent to all her contacts ( unlike her however, i took no offence to texting ). When our babies were small i would be the one to text and see how she was getting on, and suggest a catch up - i cant recall once when she asked me without being prompted first. Over the past 8 months she has increasingly ignored me, via email and Facebook ( i commented on her status, and she would reply to everyone but me, and would never comment on my status except to hit the " Like " button ). Finally, this alienation became too much for me and i had my bloggy tizzy fit.

And now - we're over. She has said so in her email and, just to make it official, she has defriended me on Facebook - the ultimate in modern " fuck you "s. I replied to her missive, but dont expect a reply in return. And so, in the next few months, leading up to Christmas and my sons first birthday, and in planning my wedding - i will miss her. I will see her at the mall and wonder whether i should give a polite nod " hello "; i will see her driving around town and wonder where she is going; I will see that a mutual friend has commented on her Facebook status and wonder what she has written. I will wait and see if any other friendships falter, and wonder if she has told these other friends just how she feels about me. I will watch my son grow and wonder how her daughter is doing, whether we are experiencing the same mummy rites of passage. I will miss her.

But i will take this in my stride, learn from my mistakes, and know that i will grow to be a better person without the sadness and alienation and hurt she has slowly forced upon over the last year. I will live, and i will learn to trust in friends again. And i will continue to be me, the REAL me, and know that hiding my truth so as not be hated or judged ( as i felt i would be ) is just not worth my time, nor the heartbreak it will inevitably bring....

Prick Me Once....

Dear YouKnowWhoYouAre ( and if you dont you ought to ),

What happened? I know what you tell me happened - you said that i " changed ", though you couldnt pinpoint where or when. You said that i became different, the sort of different that you didnt like; that i started becoming arrogant, like i was better than everyone else. Thats what you say, anyway. Truth be told, i think your husband has been in your ear - i always liked him, i thought he was a great guy, but after our little episode i now think he's not a nice person at all.

So tell me the truth - did your husband convince you of my supposed transformation, or was it a conclusion you came to yourself? And if it is something you personally witnessed, could you please let me know when, and where and how? Because even now, more than a year after you confessed how much you didnt like me anymore, every word you said still hurts because i still have no idea what your talking about. Best as i can understand is that around the time i came out of the black cloud of depression i developed more self-confidence - i wasnt just the sad clown, funny-but-single best friend anymore. I had found a little personal happiness, something i was proud of and wanted to boast about. I was overcoming my demons and i wanted to shout that to the world. I would have thought you would have been happy about this, ecstatic that i'd found some kind of inner peace - instead, i think this is the "arrogance " you ( or he ) are referring to. I wasnt just content to sit in the background and be only your personal cheerleader anymore.... i was being the leader of my own cheer squad for a change. Maybe, just maybe, this left you out of my limelight for a little while and YOU DIDNT LIKE IT. You know, not being the centre of attention.

We have a strained relationship now, and its killing me. We both have little bubbas and we had always said that our children would be like siblings. Not so much. After your outburst, which i took with a grain of salt and without airing my own grievances with you ( not that i had many, and those which i had were so insignificant when compared with what i perceived to be the depth of our friendship... ), we still catch up but only once every month or so; if we run into each other in the supermarket its polite chit-chat about our babies and how busy we are, not a " hey, lets grab a coffee! " like before; and your husband barely says hello, let alone sits and has a conversation with me like we used to do. I'm sure he looks down his nose at my fiance, because he has a better, higher paid, better educated job, because you two are married and we are not. If anyone thinks they are better than anyone else, it is, dare i say, your hypocritical husband.

This has needed saying for a while, and rather than say it to you and risk the immediate end of our friendship, i've chosen to release my hurt to the virtual universe and let our relationship run its natural course. Whether it sinks or swim may be out of our hands and in those of the Fates, all i know is i've done all that i can to help it limp along and i'll be damned if i'll let it be dragged down by more ill words. Will you do the same?

Yours - hopefully,
Your ( Former? Probably. Seems Like Thats How You Want It ) Best Friend.

DD minus 21: Ah Crud, I Missed A Day

I promised myself that i was going to write a post every day of this countdown and then i got busy and distracted and went and missed a day. Poo to that! It was, of course, 22 days til the due date, it was Sunday yesterday and what distracted me was H's ballet recital and then going out for dinner. Her dance recital was so cute - all the little tiny girls are all dressed in sweet little costumes and they do their little dances as best as they can. At least one girl in every group dances way-out-crazy, and usually someone freezes up and starts either crying or waving to their families in the crowd. Once all the little girls are finished their routines they're allowed to get changed and then sit in the audience to watch the older girls perform. Highlight of the night:
H to my dad, in a quite moment between dances " Hey poppy, you should do ballet instead of golf!! " Every person in the immediate vicinity burst out laughing.....

Now, to today. The majority of it was spent tidying around the house and i finally got around to making more room in our linen cupboard so that i could unpack some more boxes from the garage. Yes, i know what your thinking - i've been living in this house for almost 6 months, surely i'd already done all the unpacking ? Well not quite.... i'd kind of left all the boxes of junk stuff til last because i didnt really have anywhere much to put them. Until today. The nesting instinct strikes again!

The only other noteworthy thing i got up to was catching up with P, my best ( and also pregnant ) friend. We've both been so busy working and doing baby things that we havent had much time for a catch up, but todays weather and the fact neither of us was working made it the perfect day for an icecream break. What was really fantastic though was being able to discuss all the little pregnancy niggles and birth worries with another impending first time mum. I mean dont get me wrong, its nice to get the advice of women who have been there, done that; but it was really great to get to talk about all the worries and issues and discomforts and the handful of good things ( hallelujah for the babys head moving down - i've discovered the ability to breath again! ) with someone else who's experiencing it for the first time and is just as confused as i am. P is due 4 weeks after me, so i suppose i'm just a tiny step ahead of her in terms of growings and goings on, and i'm hoping for her sake ( aswell as my own! ) that i have a good birthing experience..... i dont want to freak her out anymore than she probably already is!

So thats my Monday in a nutshell. For the record it was one scoop of macadamia nut and one scoop of passionfruit icecream and it was scrum-diddly-umptious! Tomorrows agenda? A run to the recycling center with all my excess cardboard - you know, from all that tidying and unpacking i did today - and afternoon tea with my nan, who i wont be seeing on Christmas Day. Oh, also, i plan on fitting in a nap somewhere ......

Out of the Loop

So - you know how when your in high school you think you're going to be friends with these people forever ? Like, totally forever? You couldnt possibly imagine ever growing apart from the people populating your English and Math classes? Yea, well.... it happens. And i'm not talking about the majority of your high school class ( who you do the awkward " hey, how are you ? " conversation with if you see them out and about ) - i'm talking about the select handful that you call your "best" friends. How did i manage to grow apart from them ?



Not P.... P and i are still as thick as thieves ( although to be fair, i was pretty upset when she cancelled lucnh on me this past Saturday. I kind of get the feeling she doesnt really want to meet Mr Gil, and i dont really know why.... ). No, i'm talking about A and Em. The four of us were bestest of buddies during our final year of school and have been ever since, but just in the last year ( since the whole Mary Incident ) i've noticed a chasm opening up: A and Em on one side, myself on the other. I expected it after the whole Mary thing, especially with A ( she is Mary's sister after all ) but it still feels strange.



Dinner with the girls, as mentioned in my last post, just wasnt the same. I felt competely on the outer. My relationship with A hasnt exactly collapsed, but i'm not close to her anymore. We dont call or text each other, and the only emails we exchange are of the chain letter/lame joke variety. I havent been to visit her in her new town where she got a new job - but the other two have. The majority of Friday nights dinner conversation revolved around A's new flat, her work colleagues, the little adventures they'd had together since she'd moved. I dont know the people they were talking about, and wasnt " in " on any of the "in" jokes. Even when i brought up other topics of conversation - movies, music, my fledgling relationship, Easter activities, family and other friends - things kept circling back to A and her brand new life. My thoughts kept alternating between how left out i felt, and how much i'd rather be anywhere else than alone at a table with three other women i used to think were my platonic soulmates.



I know when this happened, and i pretty much know whow .... but why ? How did i end up being the one pushed out ? And why didnt anyone tell me ahead of time ?

Easter Bunny Business

Why does the four day Easter long weekend always seem so much shorter than four days ? Its because Easter inevitably always ends up being so busy. Friends that have moved away come back to town, the relations call in to visit, and there always seems to be some kind of festival or parade or event to attend. Now that i find myself in a relationship, my Easter activities magically doubled this year. No wonder its now Monday evening and i feel like i've barely stopped all weekend!

Mr Gil and I have been shuttling back and forth between his town and mine ( a trip of 30 minutes on a good day ) since Thursday night and its finally catching up with me. Starting Thursday afternoon:
* I finished work and drove out there.
* Stayed Thursday night at his sisters place, but ate dinner with his mum and dad at theirs.
* Visited his dad at his workplace Friday morning, played Wii at his mums Friday afternoon.
* I drove back Friday evening.
* Made a pitstop at my uncle's house for my baby cousins 1st birthday.
* Had a casual dinner of fish and chips with P, who was home for the weekend, and two of my other school friends AJ and Em.
* Slept at my own house that night.
* Mr Gil drove over to my town Saturday morning.
* Had a lunch scheduled with P and her husband - the first time my best friend would be meeting my new boyfriend- but P had to cancel.
* Instead, Mr Gil and I grabbed a quick takeaway lunch and drove back to his town.
* Visited with his mum and played more Wii Sports.
* Headed back to his sisters where we would be staying the night.
* Attended his ten year high school reunion. Mr Gil and I are the same age, but his school held a reunion to celebrate ten years since the 10th grade; mine will celebrate ten years from 12th grade.
* I drove Mr Gil to the local truck stop at 3:30am because he was really hungry and only something hot, greasy, and really bad for him would cure that hunger.
* Drove out to the property where Mr Gil works to feed the farm animals. As his boss is away, yes this technically means he had to work on Easter Sunday.
* Took some Easter Eggs to his mum and dad.
* Packed up my stuff and drove back, again, to my town.
* Played Easter Bunny to my little cousins who are visiting town and whom Mick was meeting for the first time. Nobody cried, so that was good.
* Had dinner with my mum, dad and sister. Received a late visit from my brother and his family on their way home from Sydney.
* Went to bed and almost immediately fell asleep. No early morning munchy trips called for.
* Woke up and got sucked into watching a few episodes of Parental Control on MTV.
* Went to have lunch a local pub only to find the bistro wasnt serving. Mr Gil and I sunk a few dollars in the poker machines instead.
* Went and saw " Monsters Vs Aliens ". Yes, its a kids movie and no we didnt take any kids with us.
* Came home to find both my parents snoozing on the lounge. Retired to my room for a quick nap of our own.
* Woke up right on schedule and said a hard goodbye for the week to Mr Gil, who had to get on back to his own town.
* Wished he was still here.

And that brings us update. I may expand on a few of those points tomorrow, but for now i've given you everything i have to give. Whats that ? Oh yea, i think i hear my pillows calling ....

Keeping a Challenge Promise, and an Update

And so, as promised on Andy's blog, i said i would take part in this challenge. Apparently the rules say you need to go to your sixth folder of photos and post the sixth picture, and give a little background on what it is. No worries - seeing as i dont yet have six folders of pics saved to this computer, i've used my Facebook photo albums. Here's wgat you get:

So, as you can probably guess, this is a wedding photo. Well done to all of you who got that one. It happens to be my best friend P's wedding ( thats her there in the middle, in the white dress ) and thats me on the far right. I was very proud to have been her heads bridesmaid for the day, even if it meant having to help her go to the bathroom once or twice ( man, that dress was huge! ). P is one of the closest people in the world to me, and it was great to see her so happy for once. This was taken at her house, after we ladies had finished getting ready and before we headed to the ceremony. I know she was really nervous but i dont think it shows in the photo - she just looks gorgeous.

************************************************************************************

And so, to the update - Amy and Mr Gil, sitting in a tree.... K.I.S.S.I.N.G! I know some of you will probably think this is kind of soon, but Mr Gil and i have decided we are officially an item. He said his mum had been asking if i was " the new lady in his life " and he had told her it was a definate yes. He asked if that was okay with me - i didnt have any reservations about it, so we decided we may aswell put a label on it. So yes, Mr Gil is now my 'boyfriend' and he is happy to call me his 'girlfriend'. Really happy in fact - this weekend just gone he took me to meet his nephews. That might not sound like much - a 2yr old and 6 yr old boy arent exactly equivalent to parents, but consider this: his nephews live almost 4 hours drive away. Which means we roadtripped it. And we stayed overnight. So yes, you can say that we went away together overnight for our 5th date. Big step ? Yes. Too soon ? Maybe. Did i have a good time and would i do it again ? Absolutely.

His nephews ( along, obviously, with their parents, Mr Gils brother and sister-in-law ) live in a tiny little town, nearing what some people may refer to as " The Outback ". The population may be as high as 50 people, although i'm only estimating that based on the ( from memory ) 10 or so houses i saw. Mr Gil took me on the back of a quad bike to show me the sights and smells of the place, which was really cute. His eldest nephew wanted to take me but he's only 6, so i promised him when his legs get longer he could escort me around town on his own " four wheeler ". We stayed outside most of the time, having a few drinks and a bbq and playing with the neighbourhood kids, who all wanted to come over and play seeing as " Uncle Mr Gil " ( obviously, thats not quite what they call him, but i'm still not revealing his real name... ) was visiting. I'd never been to a town that small and wasnt quite sure i'd fit, nervous that his family wouldnt like me.... but i loved it. His eldest nephew even once, completely innocently, referred to me as " Aunty Amy ". Yes, i know, wow, thats kind of big for what is still a very new relationship, but it completely made me melt.

And so, i have gone to another state to work for the next two weeks. When i agreed to cover for this store, i didnt have anything but my regular "work-gym-home " routine to keep me amused in DubVegas. Now, i dont really wana be here.... i miss Mr Gil already....

Short and Sweet - Its Been On My Mind

Dear Dr S - Anaethetist,

What is up with you charging me so damn much for your services ? If I knew you were going to make me pay through the nose, I would have drunk myself into a stupor and knocked myself out. But i suppose its the old supply vs demand thing isnt it ?I needed the needle and you could supply that; however you dont need the money ( which i dont exactly have to supply ). Therefore, I'm going to pay you in installments - let you sweat on it a little.
How do you like them apples ?
Amy
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Dear She Who Feels So Hard Done By,

You're joking, right? I hate to tell you, but you reap what you sow. How you could expect love after giving no affection, respect after years of thinly velied insults, and admiration without innovation is beyond me. Perhaps if you'd made all these efforts ten or fifteen years ago, the end result might have been different. As it stands, your probably better off cultivating relationships with the new little people in your life.
Better luck the second time around,
Amy
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Dear P,

So glad you had a happy birthday! Thankyou for indulging my need to go out for brunch; sorry we got sunburnt. Also, thanks for taking me to see your neice - she is too gorgeous! I get so carried away in m own two neices, I forget how cute other peoples kids can be. My fingers are crossed that you have your own cute little kidlets by the end of this year.
I'll get back to you about my birthday wish list,
Amy
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Dear Chadwick,

So good to hear from you! The best emails are the ones that come completely out of the blue - or the white, as it were, seeing as you've told me your snowed under up there in Canada. You need to get your arse down here to Australia and get yourself a tan. Although, as the public service ads here warn us " Tanning is skin cells in trauma ". I swear that ad makes me want tot throw up. But forget all that - we have to save some money and get our respective selves on another holiday. Seriously, you were the best travel buddy of the bunch.
Wanna hit up Morrocco ?
Amy
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( Thanks to this post by Andy for the " short letters " idea ).

Hypothetically Speaking....

So - yesterday would have been my brother Eli's 21st birthday. We had some birthday drinks and a cake for him. My neice H insisted on singing " Happy Birthday ", which kind of made my mum tear up a bit. Thats me and him, right there.

Just imagine - the child in that photo with me would have been 21 yesterday, had he lived past the age he is in that photo. You'll forgive me if this is kind of morbid, but my head spins thinking what my life would have been like if Eli was still around. First of all, my sister wouldnt exist, at least not in the capacity she does now. My sister was born 10 months after my brothers death ( draw your own conclusion there... ) so maybe she would never have been born at all. Secondly, i'd have two brothers - Good Lord Almighty, one has been enough! What if i was the only girl in the house ? I suppose i would have been a way better wrestler if i'd grown up with two brothers. I mean i totally kick arse now, but imagine if i'd had to beat two instead of one? Oh, and i probably wouldnt have half the emotional issues i have now - the beginning of my childhood wouldnt have been as melancholy, thats for sure.

Surely i'm not the only one who ponders these hypotheticals. Of course, there are those people who prefer to say " But it happened, so why bother with the " what ifs " ? Well, i like to bother with the what ifs because its fun. Maybe not when your ponderings deaths, or divorces or dramas... but what about the small stuff, the stuff that seemed somewhat trivial at the time? The what ifs on those ones are good for daydreaming about on lazy Sundays - or, in my case, filling the space between thinking your tired and actually getting to sleep ( Insomniatic Musings, remember ? yes, it actually means something ). Take these for example ( bearing in mind that each situation is considered seperately to the next )......

What if i had gone to the class for gifted children ?

First off, Lauren i would probably still be best friends. I'd also have been better friends with some of the other girls who were in that class and, like them, i'd probably constantly travelling the world. I dont know how they do it, but 3 of the 4 girls who came to my high school out of that gifted class are ALWAYS overseas ( i know, because i stalk their Facebook pages ).

What if my best friend P had never moved to town?

Wow..... weird. I mean, the girl did totally snob me on her first day at my school so i dont even know why i'm friends with her anyway ( its cos i lubs her ). But if she'd never arrived in Year 8, I would probably be best friends with a girl named V. We would have probably moved to Sydney together, where she is now a nurse and i would be working in film.Yes, i dreamt of that once.... i could have been the female Australian version of Tim Burton.

What if i hadnt been to nervous to perform on stage with my Year 11 Drama class ?

I would have moved to Sydney after high school to attend NIDA ( The National Institute of Dramatic Arts ) and, consequently, I would be winning this years Oscar for my brilliant performance in some biopic, co-starring the ever talented and totally gorgeous Emile Hirsch - who i would also be engaged to ( we fell in love on set ). I'd be wearing a fabulous Zac Posen dress, Louboutins and some kind of Bvlgari jewellery. Oh hell yes. Ok, thats not me, thats Jennifer Garner - but i would totally rock a Zac Posen!

What if I had agreed to stay the second year as an au pair ?

Its an absolute given that i would have got up the courage to ask out my crush - which means, of course, that i would now be married to Roberto the Chilean Deli Guy. We had have a handful of sweet, perfectly gorgeous, dark-haired Chilean-Australian babies. I would also be fat from all the chicken salad sandwiches i would have consumed. ( Towne Deli, Summit, NJ - go there, order chicken salad on a Portugese roll. )

What if i had been more passionate about my Year 12 Textiles class project ?

I would be taking part in this years season of " Project Runway- Australia " which i would of course, win. My designs would then be seen on every starlet in Sydney and Melbourne, where i on they would be noticed by Paris Hilton on her next trip to Australia to attend some random New Years Eve party ( for which she was paid a ridiculous amount of money ). Though i wouldnt be entirely pleased because Paris is a skank and my clothes are ( obviously ) not skanky, she would launch me in LA - from their, a runway show at New York Fashion week using ANTM contestants. Picture it .... ( please refer to the Zac Posen dress above for inspiration ).

Oh yes, check it boys and girls - I have totally brought the pop culture references to the table for this post!

You Can't Seriously Be Serious ? O.M.G....

So the funniest/weirdest thing ever happened today. I have a client who comes in every few months and gets me to tighten up his spectacle frames, realign them, replaces the screws .... all the type of stuff you cant do without your own glasses on. He's a nice bloke, always has a little joke and says please and thankyou - all in all, he;s one of my good customers. So he comes in today and i do the usual thing but when i went down the front to give him his glasses back, he takes me aside and asks me what time i'm having lunch. Say what now ? He says he has something sensitive he would like to ask me about, and he doesnt want the other women in the office too overhear. Alright, i told him what time my lunch usually is, and he says he'll come back.

My colleague and i had two immediate thoughts - either he's going to ask me out or he wants to kidnap me and chop me up into little pieces. I'm not sure which i would prefer - he might be nice but he's old so i'm not keen on going out with him ( i was preparing my best Elizabeth Bennett refusal speech ), but if he kidnaps me at least i get some time off work. So my lunch time rolls around and my curiousity is almost killing me ( although J is still convinced that i'm going to be kidnapped and tells me to keep my mobile phone handy ). I meet my client out the front and he starts to get all nervous and bumbly. " Umm, i know this must seems strange, i'm not really sure how to say this.... " Inside, I'm going - Oh. Crap.

And then - do you remember Average Joe ? Turns out that my client is a good friend of Joe, considers himself like a surrogate dad type of figure, and, well, umm, just that young Joe must have been talking about me and was apparently more than a little disappointed when we didnt go out for a second time. You're joking right ? Inside i couldnt help but smile and how sweet my client was trying to be. He told me he wasnt trying to interfere, that i didnt need to go into details or anything, just that the poor guy was wondering what he did wrong. " You know, if there were no sparks, then were no sparks! If he said something wrong and you think he's a dickhead, then tell him he's a dickhead! Just tell him why - the poor young bloke is wondering what he did to upset you and is a bit disappointed, because he liked you and wanted to see you again ". Well bless this mans little socks for telling me so - like he said, he was just looking out for his friend, he and he always thought i was a " good bird ", so maybe i could contact Joe and let him know what happened ? So i smiled, and told him that i would send Joe an email, which i fully intend to do. I always did, i just couldnt think of how to word it, but now i feel extra bad because it seems like Joe must have really taken a shine to me.

After work, my sister and I went to get some take out, and i'm relating this whole odd little story back to her. She looked at me and laughed and said, " You know, i was going to try and set you up once.... " Say what now ? Oh yea - my bright spark of sister thought it would be a great idea to set me up with Banky McHands. Not that she even knows Banky McHands. No, her plan was to just track him down at the bank where he worked and describe me to him, and then just plain old tell him i thought he was hot. I can say with, like, 95% certainty, that had she done that i would have been forced to punch her in the forehead. How embarrassing would that have been ? I wouldnt have known anything about it, until the next time i went to the bank and he gave me this odd look, like i had leprosy or something, and gently explained that i was far too old for him. Seriously, if my sister had done that i think i would have been mortified to death.

But thats not all. On my sisters 18th birthday, she went out to dinner with her friends and, because her boyfriend wasnt in town, her boyfriends best friend went to keep her company. Aww, what a sweetheart you say ? Well, yea. YoungBoysBest Friend ( or YBBF as he shall now be known ) had come up to our duplex when my sister and i were flatmates, and after i had cooked everyone dinner, YBBF took my empty plate to the sink and volunteered to take the garbage out. Aww, what a sweet young man. Sure. So when on my sisters birthday my best friend P and I finally caught up with her, and my sister mentioned that YBBF had come to be her " date ", we all went - Aww, what a sweetie. When sister got up to get a drink, P goes " You should totally put YBBF on lay-by ! ". Thats lay-away for you American people. And why would i have to do that, do you ask ? Because YBBF is only 16 years old! And i mean he's only just turned 16, so that makes him almost 9 full years younger than me. And not only did P suggest this, but when i was telling my sister this story tonight she tells me that she and her boyfriend had already discussed this. Oh.My.God. My best friend, my 18 year old sister and her 15 year old boyfriend have all decided that I would be great with a 16 year old boy - who apparently, would "totally like to tackle " me. Which is 15 year old boyfriend speak for " The 16 year old guy wants to do your sister ". Oh. My. God.

A 16 year old boy ( who is quite sweet, and you know he's going to totally good looking and attractive when IS eventually legal ) wants to tackle me. That is just wrong. Flattering, but wrong. Right ? I just cant believe that all these people are so concerned about my almost-non-existent lovelife....

Is that a challenge ? Double dog dare me ?

Five weeks til Christmas - can you believe that? 35 days to go until the Big Red Man comes and i get to stuff my face with prawns and Christmas icecream ( yes, you read it right - i make Christmas icecream ). And, knowing that there is only 35 days til my Christmas, our branch manager decided today was the day to put all the Christmas decorations in our store. Of course, everyone knows that you risk certain and eternal Christmas bad luck by decorating before December 1st ( yes, this means you too Andy and Capricorn ), but she insisted today was the day. Seriously, you've never seen an office covered in so much Christmas kitsch. It was cute and fun and cheery today, but i 'm guessing by the end of, lets see, next week, its going to be nauseating.

Anyhoo, like i said, decorating the office was quite a cheerful experience for the day, which got me to thinking - why dont i concentrate more often on the cheerful stuff ? Sure, when the big stuff happens - like birthdays or parties or exciting experiences - i'm all about the cheer; but I dont readily acknowledge the everyday things that make me smile and keep me from spending the day with my head under my bed covers. And so, in the spirit of the season i have decided to conduct an experiment - everyday up to and including Christmas Day, I am going find one thing that makes me smile. And, furthermore, I am going to let things slide - dont sweat the small stuff, you know ? Seems to me, after years of having listened to Oprah say it over and over ( hey, so maybe i dont pick things up so easily... call me stupid ) that actively focusing on being happy will..... make you HAPPY. Who woulda thunk it ?

In kicking off the challenge, here is the list of things that made me smile/smirk/giggle/cack my pants with laughter today :
* The radio playing " Run to the Water " by Live on my way to work - i love that song!
* A young girl coming in with her mum to look at sunglasses - she had the most gorgeous curly hair.
* Selling sunglasses - i just really enjoyed the customers today.
* The amount of Santa ornaments my manager has accumulated over the years - its like a Santa City in my dispensary right now!
* A bumper sticker that said " Nurses - We Can't Live Without Them " - thats it. No joke, no punchline. Just nurses are so under-appreciated. Big cyber hugs for the nurses out there...
*Andy and Ben's co-blog - laugh at loud funny.
*Chit chatting with J during work - when we werent busy with customers, we were busy being fools. Laughing makes the day go quicker, thats for sure.
* Eating gooey caramel-ly icecream for dessert - can you say yum ?

Which brings me to now. I'm currently texting back and forth with P while we watch " The Amazing Race " and after that , it'll almost be time for bed. Add one more to the list - sleeping always makes me happy.....

Burfday weekend rundown

So that, right there , is my beautiful sister Erin. Doesnt she look cute? The angle of the eyeborws looks slightly wicked, but thats how she is really. So, just in case any of you have been living under a rock, or reading my posts without actually understanding them, this past Friday was Erin's 18th birthday. I am slightly sad to say that the weekend was a bit of a bust for me, but very happy to say she partied hard and loved it all ( after all, her birthday is about HER, not me ). Let me explain:
I'd taken the day off work on Friday so that we could hang out - i thought it might be nice to share the whole day with her, plus the idea of a day off for any reason was appealing. So while she was having a facial and a massage i hit the gym, and then we met back at home so we could go out for lunch. Not just any lunch mind you, but " $10 Tradie Lunch ", the best invention in the world. Basically one of the local pub bistro's offer a choice of meal, plus a drink, for only $10. I had the best chicken carbonara EVER - seriously - and enjoyed the company of my mother, my sister and her best friend.

Next on the agenda ? Tattoo time! Now we all know that i have four tattoos ( you knew that, right ? ) but i think i started a trend in my family. Since i got my first one, my father and brother have both been inked, and now it was Erins turn. She had to wait, legally, until she turned 18 to get tattooed but, in a stroke of genius, she decided to ask my parents if she get a tattoo as a birthday present - that way she wouldnt have to pay for it. And they agreed - well done little Erin! So my father and I went with her, less for moral support and more so we could witness the looks of mild pain and agitation on her face as the job was being done. Does that make us nasty ? No, just family. The tattooist Paul is a sweet guy though so he was always enquiring whether she was doing okay, did she want to stop for a break, stretch her legs, things like that, so he didnt make to easy for us to get inside her head. Incidentally, in a brief taste of D-list fame, Paul holds the world record for the longest tattooing session ever ( 42 hours people ).... take that " Miami Ink" !

So after lunch, the tattoo session and the traditional gathering for birthday cake ( caramel mud cake... uh, yum.... ), the immediate family went out for dinner. Witness below the astonishing beauty that was us ( ahem... yea, right ):








So thats her and, uh, me posing for a happy snap before the dinner arrived. For the record, my garlic chicken and prawns was lovely, thank you for asking. The place we went for dinner is a balcony resturant above my favourite pub, so it has a great atmosphere and made it really easy to move on after dinner. My heavily pregnant sister-in-law, neice and my flu-ey father went home after we'd eaten, and myself, my mum, brother and little Erin headed downstairs. Friday nights are always a little bit of a bust - i'm glad she wasnt completely geared up for a huge night, because Fridays tend to be a little quiet and the problem with eating out before hitting the pub is that there is usally a period between the end of the meal and the point in the night where other people start turning up. That period is the one that gets you - you get bored waiting for some action to arrive, and if your a birthday girl who woke up really early and has been running around all day you start to get a little tired too. So we had a few quiet drinks and decided to head home around 10pm. Kind of an early time to be calling it an evening, but my brother had to work in the morning, my mum is NOT a party animal,and the birthday girl was happy to have been able to get a few drinks in with her nearest and dearets. Aww, bless.

Which leads me to Saturday:

Nevermind the fact that I look completely washed out in that photo ( if you could get closer I had really sweet gold eyeshadow and black liner... it was cute! ) but, for me, the night was a bit of a washout. I was really looking forward to it - my best friend P ( thats her in the dots ) was going to be home, it was going to be my sisters first big night out and my first big night out for 6 months. And for a while, it was great: P and I had a great dinner together and then joined my sister and some friends at the pub. We started having some drinks and got to dancing - god, how i missed pub dancing! - and it was all going great. And then code name Mary showed up. I cant believe i let her ruin my night. One minute i'm dancing a way, not a care in the world and the next there she is, shotting me the death stare.

Once i knew she was there, she was EVERYWHERE. Turns out she was one of Erins friends cousins, so after having a short toilet break, P and I returned to the dancefloor to find Mary dancing with our group. That was it - i could not be there and have her either giving me the evil eye or, alternatively, completely ignoring me and making me feel uncomfortable in my own group. Once P decided she was going to go, I couldnt stay on my own, even though my sister was there living it up. I gave her amy apologies and told her if Mary was going to be hanging around, i couldnt.My sister, in her 18 year old wisdom, loudly announced she'd throw a drink in Mary's face, her tell her to piss off, because its not fair that i should be made to feel that way. Knowing that if she did try any of that, the situation would only be worse, I made my exit.

I'm really cut at myself for letting her ruin my night. I'd been excited about celebrating with my sister for weeks and, on the actual night, i skulked home before midnight. All because some girl with apparent issues has some cold of emotional hold over me. My sister showed me all her photos in the morning, and excitedly told me about how the rest of the night went, and she had such a great time. It only made me feel worse for having missed out. So apparently i'm going to have to suck it up, and learn to ignore Mary - its just hard because i'm very non-confrontational, and i always feel that if i'm in " her " way too long, she's going to go off her nut again. My only other option is to pack up and move to some place she doesnt live. Poo to that, and poo to her!

And so endeth the burfday weekend adventures. Overall, i know my sister had a great weekend and thats all matters. Plus, my hair looked h-o-t on Friday and i had sexy shoes last night - beat that Mary!

Oh lord, now i'm starting to count down....

I cant believe its almost the 8th day of the month and i've only made one post. What in the crap is up with that ? What have i been doing ? Truth be told, not s very much, but hey, it was a long weekend. I was content to sleep in, eat a late lunch, and watch bad cable tv. I introduced my father to " Date My Mom " and " Room Raiders " on MTV - i secretly think he liked them ( i'm sure i caught him watching that horrid soap " Passions " once ..... ).

So, now that the long weekend is over the next thing on my calendar that i'm looking forward to is my sisters 18th birthday in 17 days time. For those of you who dont know, 18 is the legal drinking age here in Australia so its the birthday where you get to go to a bar for the first time and get trashed with your friends and your older sister. Umm, i mean, you get taken out and shown how to drink responsibly. Of course thats what i mean. So everyone in our immediate family plus my best friend P is taking my sister out for dinner and then we're moving downstairs to the bar. I kind of like that my sister invited P, and i know P appreciates it to, seeing as she doesnt have a sister of her own. And, o0f course, my sister has friends of her own but she's going out with them the night after her birthday. She's chosen to go out with her family first ? Aint that sweet?

Anyhoo, i'm not sure why exactly i'm so looking forward to someone else's birthday. It is probably mostly because i havent been out since P's hens party ( the night of the Mary incident ). I mean, i went from going out every Saturday night, leaving the house at around 10:30am and getting home around 3am, to not going out at all for an entire 6 months. Its been a big jump and, to be honest, i've missed it sometimes. I've missed Mary's sisters ( lets call her MS ) friendship, for sure, but i've also just missed the atmosphere of a crowded bar, dj playing, people dancing, escaping the hot dance floor for some fresh outside. I wasnt like a disco diva or anything, i just liked being around so many people, even if i hardly knew any of them. I've missed sitting in MS's bedroom drinking a bottle of cheap champagne before we went out, gossiping and laughing our arses off. I've missed that.

So, come the evening of October 24th i'm going to put on a slinky dress, some cute heels, do my makeup all pretty like and i'm taking my sister out - for the photographic evidence please refer back here after that date, or find yourself my Facebook page....

The A-B-C of A-M-Y

Aah, another gloriously stolen post idea! Once you start reading, its kind of self-explanatory, so, go ahead, read on....



A. Attached or single ? Eternally single, but if you read this blog you already knew that.



B.Best friend ? P - i've written about her before. She's been my best friend since our last few years of high school, and i only wish we got to hang out more. Its not that easy, what with her newly married status, and the fact that we live almost five hours drive apart, but somehow we make it work.



C.Cake or pie ? Hmm, i'm going to go with pie on this one. I love me some chocolate mudcake but, if it came down to it, i might pick some decadent caramel, or apple, or blueberry type pie ahead of cake.



D. Day of choice ? Friday. I know I'm still at work on a Friday but its the promise of the weekend that makes Friday so good. Once you get to Saturday night, there is only one more day and your back to the daily grind - on a Friday you have the whole weekend ahead of you!



E. Essential item ? Tough question. I'm going to go with a pair of well fitted jeans. You could get away without moisturiser or shampoo or toothpaste - eating the right foods will keep you gorgeous and glowing - but a good pair of jeans ? No woman can go without an item of clothing that lifts her butt, slims her thighs and creates nice long legs. Not even debatable.



F. Favourite colour ? This one has changed over the years. I'm quite partial to red right about now...



G. Gummy bears or worms ? Gummy bears all the way. There was a time in my youth where no trip to the movies was complete without a packet of gummi bears. Worms are good, but gummi bears hold a place in my heart.



H. Hometown ? Dubbo, NSW, Australia. Also referred to as Dubs or DubVegas. We have a zoo. That is all.



I. ( favourite ) Indulgence ? Some kind of beauty treatment. I'm very girlie, but i'm kind of " no frills " girlie - that is, i dont have the money to spend on expensive treatments. But after a massage at a mud bath in Vietnam, and having had a one hour relaxation massage this past weekend, i'm thinking i'm going to have indulge in a full body massage a little more often...



J. January or July ? January, no doubt at all. First of all, its my birthday in January happy burfday to me! ) plus its summer, which beats the cold winter of July hands down. January all the way baby!



K.Kids ? None of my own yet ( they're coming eventually, be sure of it ), but i love kids. I mean, i spent a year volunteering to look after other peoples children, and thats no easy task, so you really have to love kids to do it. I spent this past Saturday night not at a pub, but with a snuffly, sick, 5 month old baby asleep on my lap after having walked him, and danced him, and rocked him around the house. It might kind of lame or desperate to say, but i liked it.



L.Life isnt complete without ? Family, friends, good jeans, cute heels, mascara, and hoop earrings. ....



M. Marriage date ? Seriously, who knows ? Sometimes i despair that its never going to happen. I'm 24 now - it'd be nice if i were married before i wer 28. When i was 18 i wanted to be married before i was 24, but that hasnt happened so who knows?



N. Number of brothers and sisters ? Two younger brothers and one younger sister. Like Paula , i always say i have two brothers, even though one of them died at a young age. Christmas Eve 1989 my youngest brother died of meningitis - he'd be 21 on his next birthday if he'd lived. It always makes me think, if he had lived, would my sister exist ? Best not ponder these things too hard...



O. Oranges or apples ? Mangoes.



P. Phobias ? Well aside from having suffered from acute social anxiety in the past ( so i guess i was kind of afraid of people... ) i dont really have any huge phobias. I dont like spiders, or snakes, or mice inside my house, but thats about it.



Q. Quotes? " It wont rain all the time " - Eric Draven, " The Crow " . Thats about all i have - there are probably hundreds of lines of movie dialogue or song lyrics that i love, i just dont have the ability to recall them off the top of my head. Except that one.

R. Reasons to smile? My neice referring to me as " beautiful girl "; finding the perfect pair of cute heels in my size; buying an album and loving every song on it; sunshine on a rainy day; listening to my mum rave on about something she doesnt quite understand, and then hearing her say something silly; reading a good blog post. You know, simple things amuse simple minds :)

S. Season of choice ? Spring. Once upon a time i would have said summer, but as i've got older and Australia has gotten hotter and drier, i've realised spring is where its at. Its got beautiful sunny warmth, the promise of growth and change, plus it means the end of winter. Yep, spring is my favourite.

T. Tag five people ?I'm going to tage five of you, but dont feel obligated to do this meme: Sheena, Laurie, Andy, Steph and Gene. Your up people!

U. Unknown fact about me ? Umm.... i find it a lot easier to fall asleep if i'm holding something. Seeing as i dont have a many, this means i am either holding my pillow or i'm curled up so tight i'm practically hugging my myself. Not exactly a world shattering secret, but there you have it.

V. Vegetable ? Pumpkin. Now, i commented on Laurie's blog that one of the weirdest things about living in the USA was that they only have pumpkin in season, and the rest of the time, its canned. Canned pumpkin. That shit is weird. I love me some good baked or roasted pumpkin with a traditional roast dinner, or pumpkin soup or pumpkin mash. Hell, i even like pumpkin pie and thats a big thing for a non-American.

W. Worst habit ? :Lately, since i've been growing my hair out ( so, for about the last year... ) i've developed this habit of running my hands through my hair and pulling out all the loose strands. I'm shedding hair like a dog man! Seriously, my mum mentioned the other day that she is beginning to tire of finding my hair on the lounge, or in the bathroom sink or on the kitchen floor. Sick.

X. X-ray or ultrasound ? X-ray. Ultrasounds are more uncomfortable. Like, if your having an abdominal ultrasound, you have to drink a litre of water before your appointment and then you have try your hardest not to pee while the operator runs the little camera-thingy over your overfull bladder. Who wants that ?

Y. Your favourite food ? I have no answer for this question - i just like food. I, from this moment on, refuse to choose a favourite food. I inevitably end up choosing chicken, when we all know i like chocolate just as much. Its just not fair to the other foods, okay ?

Z. Zodiac sign ? I'm Aquarian by birth and Aquarian by nature. Seriously, you make out a list of typical Aquarian traits and i exhibit probably 95% of them. And you, my friends, are living in the Age of Aquarius, so enjoy!

Letter not yet written

Dear P,

I have had a horrible week and its only lead into a horrible weekend. I have cried myself to sleep the last three nights and although you cannot change that, I just wanted someone to know. I think this is the point entirely - I want some to know me, to be able to share intimately and, although you are clearly not this person, as my best friend telling you is probably a good start. I am your best friend right ( aside from your husband of course ) ? Because you have not answered the last three text messages i have sent in the last week or so; the only reason i knew you were in town last week was because i saw you walk past my store in the pouring rain; the other two knew ahead of time. Perhaps i am being needy. Insecure. Paranoid.

You know that Newton Faulkner song?
" I need something to believe in/
Cos i dont believe in myself.
Scared of failure/
So scared of success/
Guess it will all work out "

You know that song ? Thats me. I dont know what i'm doing anymore - not that i ever did. A couple of months back i thought i did and i was so excited, i thought i'd finally figured it out. Wasnt it all so simple ? Nope. No it hasnt been simple, and its not so easy, and nothing has happened. Nothig has changed, at least not for the better, and here i am , still stuck. And i despair at it. I'm so desperately, desperately lonely and feel i have no control at all. You know what my pyschologist said ? Go out, just start talking to someone new. How about i invite some old school friends for dinner ? Surely that would have me out and about, socialising. Wasnt he listening when i said how utterly afraid of that i am? How i cannot just go out and start talking to new people, all on my own? It is that viscious circle - I cannot go out on my own, alone, to meet new people. The prospect of propping myself up at a bar without a single soul for support is terrifying ( and probably, in some situations, not so safe ); yet i cannot find new friends if i sit at home and cry all the time. Crying silently into your pillow is not some kind of siren song with which to lure new friends to my door. It doesnt work like that. So what am i to do? Same as always - smile, laugh, fake happiness when my parents ask about my day, and shrink beneath my sheets in the dark.

I spent Friday night at home, with my parents, watching a rugby league game on tv. If i were a normal 24 year old i would have been out drinking wine with my girlfriends, or seeing a movie with a cute date. But i wasnt. I was balled up on the lounge, hugging a pillow in a desperate attempt not to burst into tears. How utterly pathetic. I spent Saturday night sitting up til midnight with a 3 year child that isnt mine, keeping her company and drying her tears until her mother came to pick her up, all the while only just keeping my own tears at bay. If i am going to sit up half the night with an upset child, I wish it could be one of my own. But that prospect is not available to a 24 year old woman with no husband, fiance, boyfriend or even potential date in sight. A 24 year old woman without a man by her side would be out on the town on a Saturday night, in a cute little dress and gorgeous high heels. I have the dresses and the heels, but no occasion to where them. No friends to invite me to a party or out for a drink. Hell, i went to the movies on my own today because I have no friends to invite along. At least i was out of the house i suppose.

" Scared of failure/
So scared of success /
Guess it will all work out ".

But it hasnt yet. I had that brilliant idea of finding a new job and moving to the coast but it hasnt just all worked out. I have applied for at least 50 jobs, and have heard back in regards to two of them. I keep searching for new positions, and i check the real estate websites so i have some idea of what kind of rent i could afford in these areas - but nothing has come from it. It is to the point now, after only 2 months, where I am scared of never finding a job somewhere else and being stuck in here in my parents house, alone and unloved, until either they, or I, die. But equally I am scared of success, of scoring an interview and getting a fantastic new job. It means moving away from the only support units i have, of finding my own way for a while - and what if it all falls apart from there? What if the success of finding a job turns into the failure of not doing it well, of falling apart, again, on my own ? Then i would only have to skulk back home, tail between my legs, head in my hands, a real loser. Maybe it isnt worth trying.

But i should be taking risks right ? Nothing comes from simply wishing, I need to be proactive. I need to take control. So i'm going to start small. For the next month i will diet. I will only eat nutritous foods and not give in to cravings for " bad " foods. I will only treat myself once a week ( whether it be chocolate, or cake, or a hamburger... ). I will go to the gym at least four times i week. I know i can push myself there, I can control what happens. And, for the next month, i will spend no unnecessary money on myself. I will not buy new clothes or music or dvds. I will save money and draw strength from knowing i can control my spending. These three things i CAN control - they arent dependant on what others may be thinking of me, or how terrible and lonely i feel. I'll concentrate on these and focus my worries and fears and despairs on these. Take my mind off things i cant control and dont have.

Does this make sense ? I know it cant possibly be easy having an insecure paranoid for a best friend. I'm suprised you havent gotten ridden of me yet. Come to think of it - whats wrong with you ?

If i had guts enough i might send this to you,
Much love,

Amy xxoo

A Few Pieces of the Puzzle

So i stole this one from Miss Em over at Can You Point Me To The Bar ? Yes, technically its a meme that she didnt tag anyone for, but the idea was cute that i thought i'd " borrow " it.
Now the challenge was to peruse the funniness at http://www.someecards.com/ and find a few cards that depict a little bit of who you are and what you're about. Trust me, it may take you a while - you'll be checking out the pages for ages! But here's what i came up with:




Yes, i am kind of a movie snob. I watch all these fancy, foreign, arthouse films and i actually like them. I encourage my friends to watch them, raving about how good they are and you know what ? Most of my friends are so NOT critically acclaimed movie people - they're blockbuster people or, much to my chagrin, sometimes they're immature spoof movie people. Dont get me wrong, i love a bit of " Billy Madison " or action moves where a lot of stuff blows up, but i need a bit of intelliegence sometimes. Apologies about that.

Oh yea, i'm all about the naps. Cat naps, nanna naps, catch up naps, the litte naps you sneak in the back seat of the car on a long trip. Forget seeing Machu Pichu or eating lunch at a Buddhist monastery, i'm going to be in my last throwes and reminiscing about that lazy Sunday afternoon where i fell asleep on the lounge watching a re-run of M*A*S*H.

THis is for my friends. Pretty much, thats how i want to be thinking about you if i consider you as part of my inner circle. I'm super loyal, and you better be too. Like P, my best friend - she's totally invited to my funeral! I hope she makes cheesecake for everybody, in my memory of course....

Which is not to say i'm an unashamed horny biatch ( although we could be headed in that direction... ), just they i havent been getting out much. Its hard to meet people, to even have the opportunity for skanky one night shag, when you've been spending the majority of your weekend nights watching DVD's from the comfort of your loungeroom....


Aww, families, we all have one. I really like mine, as depicted above. Okay, maybe not all the wacky bastards - extended families can get seriously freaky! - but my immediate family ? I lubs them big lots. Thats us playing Trivial Pursuit by the way. My dad is cheating. Thats such a dad thing to do.

And thats it my lovelies. Go check out http://www.someecards.com/ if you need a Friday Feelgood and if you decide to follow in my footsteps and steal this blog idea, please let me know!