Thursday, November 1, 2007

Can anyone hear me ?

I live alone. For the most part this is a good thing - i enjoy my space, my freedom, my independence - but just lately its been lonely. I dont know why. Nothing much in my life has changed, there has been no major drama that has pushed me to any brink or anything just... i get lonely.

I get up in the morning. I check my emails while i eat my breakfast, and if i have no new mail, no new messages on Facebook or Bebo, most of the time its okay but sometimes i wonder if people have forgotten me. But no matter. I suck it up, take a shower, pad around my house half naked while i iron my clothes, wash the dishes, do my hair; i can do that because i live alone, its a luxury to not have to get completely dressed until i need to walk out the door. I go off to work and, for the most part, enjoy my day. My work is not hard and i have plenty of human interaction. I love the woman i work most with - i'm kind of, sort of, not officially her boss and she is older than me, but we sometimes end up carrying on like fools by the end of the day.

I finish work at 5:30pm and most days i come straight home. Sometimes i drop into my parents house, or my brothers, usually with some excuse for having to go there but sometimes its just because i want to see someone. The days i do come straight home, i come in, slip off my shoes, get changed and turn on the tv. Always straight onto the same channel - i like to listen to the news while i potter around. I check emails again, tidy up, read a magazine, maybe put on a load of washing. I feed my fish - i started out with four, named after The Beatles, but unfortunately John Lennon was cannibalised by the other three ( almost true to real life ). They are the only pets i am allowed to have in my rental property so thusly my only company. I make my own dinner. I dont really cook as such, not like a chef or a mother - i cook some meat, sometimes vegetables, sometimes rice, on the odd occasion pasta, and throw all together with some packet or jar of sauce. Its cheating, but it keeps me alive. I like to save proper cooking for when people come over - those occasions are not very often. I eat my dinner in front of the TV - i watch The Simpsons, then Neighbours, then Futurama, in that order, almost everyday. I interact with the characters; i get excited when i watch competitive reality programs like So You Think You Can Dance; in my mind its like i know these people. I begin to wind down for the night. I usually get on the net again, see if anyone is on MSN. If they arent, i consider packing it all in and going to bed early but i usually dont. I waste time surfing the net, hoping to find something to alleviate what i usually prefer to identify as boredom.

The clock hits 10:30pm, or thereabouts and i figure i best get some sleep. I turn off the computer, turn out the light in the fish tank, lock the front door, check the back. I go to my bedroom and take off my jewellery. I have a jewellery box but nothing ever goes in there, it just gets laid out on my bedside table. I backtrack to my bathroom. I comb my hair, brush my teeth, clean my face with specially formulated Neutrogena. I stare at myself in the mirror, usually okay with what i see but sometimes i pick out every flaw. Pimple there, too many freckles, my eyebrows need waxing. I pad back down the hallway to my bedroom, my mind already ticking over. I get undressed, poke at the layer of podgy fat that lies over what would be a perfectly flat, toned stomach if i bothered with cardio. I put on pyjamas, set my alarm and turn on the radio. I cant sleep without music on, some kind of background noise, and it comforts me to hear other people talking. The radio stays on all night. I climb into bed, cover myself in sheets, blankets, quilts, depending on the weather.

And thats when it hits me. I'm alone. And lonely. There is no-one there to say " goodnight, sleep tight " to. There is no-one to snuggle into the pillows with, to spoon with, to sleep with. There is no-one who's presence will reassure me when i wake up at 2am after a disturbing dream. There is no-one who will stroke my hair, or my cheek, when they wake at 3am and want some reassuring themselves. And there will be no-one there in the morning when i wake up.

So i just lie there, alone, in the dark, lonely as ever, either trying to hold back the tears or squeezing my eyes shut, desperatly trying to get to sleep so i wont notice the empty space on the other side of my bed.


  1. Oh Amy, I cried through this!

    its like you are talking about me!

    Beautiful writing, in a sad, slit my own wrists kind of way...


  2. I'm feeling pretty lonely these days too. Up until a few days ago I at least still had the dogs around, so at least the house wasn't empty. I find myself staying at work especially late at night cause there's nothing to go home to. I also realised while reading your post, that I've adopted certain routines that replays itself every night.

    It really sucks.

  3. We really are a bunch of sad people. We should start a club!

  4. I'm not so happy that i made you cry Sheens, but i suppose i am glad that my writing moved someone...

    And Glugster - i believe they're called Lonely Hearts Clubs. If we had a Sgt Pepper, we could form a band!!

  5. i just started reading your blog today via sheena.

    and i happened upon this post.

    you speak my language. this is my night, every night. okay sure, i have a two year old princess who keeps the nights at bay, but when shes asleep and i am again an adult, or when shes not with me and with her dad, and i come home to an empty flat and a life full of nothing, its that time where i cry.