Puzzle Pieces - Redux

So, i was going through my archive, torturing myself by reading every post i've ever made with reference to my now ex-friend ( i'm a sucker for punishment, but more on that at a later date ) when i came across a post i had real fun doing. Seeing as it was from way back in 2008 and i figure it was ripe for the re-doing. I think it was once a meme that i wasnt tagged for but stole anyway*. The idea was to head over to http://www.someecards.com/ and choose five cards that were representative of you and your life right now. Kind of like pretty, funny, little puzzle pieces. So i did just that - the five i have chosen are different to the ones i picked back in 2008 so here they be:

Ah, so this would should be self-explanatory ( and if it isnt, where have you been the last few days? Not on my blog apparently... ). Thats me in the cute dress, at the bottom. I may feel like i'm at the bottom of the whole friendship jungle gym there, but at least that means i can only go up ( and i'm wearing a cute dress. Always a bonus ).

Yea, thanks Mum and Dad. Oh, and thanks to me from Flynn. Over the years i've been a bit of a worry for my parents, not because i was the ultimate teen rebel but because i was the ultimate teen emo. I'm sure its taken its toll on their mental health ( although i think my dad's always been fairly wack ). And its fair to say the trials of Flynns first 8 months have done my head in some what - not that i was entirely stable to begin with. So thanks to my parents for keeping me as close to sane as possible!

I do. The thought of it scares me. It hasnt happened yet but there is a first time for everything. But the day i start singing along to Justin Bieber - not because a song has been on constant rotation and i cant get the bloody thing out of my head - but because i actually LIKE it, is the day you people need to promise to hunt me down and shoot me. Please?!?

Oh yea - I love you Mick! In fact, i love him so much, i havent even entertained thoughts of ever wanting to, or needing to, leave him. Thats love right? Hell, i didnt even have an escape plan for our first date ( you know, the one where you get your friend to call with some kind of emergency ? ), thats how much i liked him initially. Methinks i've got me a keeper...

And this, my lovelies, is for you all. Your kind comments have been a great, big, fat help the last few days. Its funny how people who have never met me in real life ( which is all but one of you ... ) can have a better read on my personality than someone i thought i was close to. Sure, there are two sides to every story and i'm sure ex-friends version of events is somewhat different to mine, but its nice to know that i have some support based not only on recent events but on what you guys have read over the past few years. I know that my blog is a true reflection of who I am, and to know that you guys support me based on what you've read - on what is ME , as it were - means a lot. So mucho gracias, dudes, mucho!

*Also, feel free to steal this idea if you want. Its not a meme so i aint tagging anyone but if you have bloggers block and are in need of a kick along, take this...

Welcome to the 'New' .....

Whats this? Where are you? Who am i? whats with the questions Amy?
Well, in case you havent noticed, i've changed my blog name. Thats right, take a look up there on the header - " Insomniatic Musings " is gone and has been replaced with " New Adventures in Dreamworld ". Huh?

Well, to be truthful, i just wasnt feeling the whole " Insomniatic Musings " thing anymore. It hasnt matched 'me' or my blog for a while - i started this blog in the midst of depression, when i wasnt getting much sleep, and i was using the blog as a tool to get all those things that kept me awake at night off my chest. With the depression gone and the sleep ( somewhat ) returned, the name just didnt feel relative anymore. I wanted to find something new, something that better reflected whats happening with me now and what could be happening in the future. So, after a little thought, i've gone with:

" New Adventures in Dreamworld ".

The ' New Adventures " part is pretty self explanatory. Why the " Dreamworld " bit? Well not to sound too schmaltzy, but thats where i'm living now - in the world i'd always dreamed of when sleep did eventually come to me. I have a beautiful man who i'm in love with and who loves me back; a gorgeous son; my wonderful family and friends; and a whole bunch of positivity to move forward with. I dont just see light at the end of a tunnel - i generate the light and its a damned beautiful glow!

So welcome to my ' Dreamworld '. Oh, and if you arent already following me, go press that button over to your left and become an official follower!

Welcome to my boudoir.... or not

Well, thats it - I'm officially moved back in with my parents. Its suprisingly comfortable, although i predict it wont always be. For starters, i think i'm not entirely comfortable with some of the restrictions on my freedom now - most specifically, the the " rules " i know my parents have for relationships under their roof. And by relationships, i mean sex.

Dont get me wrong - its not like i go out and pick up strangers for a quick shag every weekend. And neither do i have a boyfriend who would be " sleeping " over. My point is now that i'm back with the parentals units, I cant. Remember RNG ? Well, he's still a really nice guy but i think he's destined to be a really nice guy " friend " rather than " boyfriend ". I think this can be partly blamed on the fact that we havent seen each other since i blogged about our second date ( due to him doing 10 day rotations and us living in different towns ) but i'd be stupid if i didnt notice his drop in conversation levels since i told him i was moving home. Despite not having seen each other we have been in regular contact and i think the spark has just gone because we havent been able to indulge it, but surely it cant be attractive to him that i know share a house with authority figures. Figures who make rules which make intimate relationships very difficult.

Aside from that one little issue, i'm not quite sure why i still feel a little odd. I a lame now that i live with my parents ? Is it sad that i've returned to the family home, even if it is for nole reasons? Or is it all in my head - or his ? Apparently, according to various articles i've seen or read in the past few years, there are a whole tonne of Gen-Yers living with their parents. Hell, some of them havent even left and come back, they've just remained stagnant in their childhood bedrooms. So why do i feel so...so...so turned about ? Like i've taken a huge step backwards, instead of seeing and knowing it for the opportunity it is.

But enough about me and my oncoming man drought. Hell, my continuing man drought. Other than my lack of male attention, things arent going so badly. Ive applied for some really great jobs and was talking to an old school friend early today who said she might be looking for a flatmate later this year. I might have scored me a place to live and a cool roomie, all in one!
Things are looking okay and you know what ? They have the potential to get so much better. r at least different. And dont they say change is as good as a holiday ?

Long Way Down

So i've just finished one of the best books i've had the pleasure of reading in a long time - " Long Way Down " by Nick Hornby ( an no, SvD, the title does not refer to The Goo Goo Dolls song of the same name ). If you have never read Nick Hornby ( Do you know the films " High Fidelity " " Fever Pitch " or " About a Boy " ? Adaptations of his novels ), you are totally missing out. The man is a genius. He's able to write with such wit and humour that, at times, i really am laughing out loud; yet he manages to instill such emotional sincerity into his writing that i just want to dive right in and actually know the characters, be with them, BE them.

In the case of " Long Way Down " i actually WAS them, at least for a while. And maybe not on the same scale. See, " Long Way Down " is basically about four suicidal people who meet on a roof top, on New Years Eve, right before they had planned on throwing themselves off. Before ending it all. Before pulling the plug. But instead of offing themselves they end up having an awkward conversation and the rest of the book is about how they find some of themselves by having found each other. Its funny, and sad, and uplifting, and depressing and, for me, entirely relatable. So i never actually made it up to the top floor of a building, or found myself sitting in the bath with a razor within reach, or even curled up in bed with a bottle of pills on the bedside table .... but i thought about it. A lot. All of the time. So, reading the book, which is written from the four main characters points of view, in turn, i could read what each was saying and go " yep, totally been there " ; " yep, completely understand that "; " yep, that is so funny, i used to think the same thing! ". It was like a wake up call - i USED to be like that. Things seem like shite sometimes now, but they arent as bad as they were. On pretty much every page, or at least once or twice a chapter, there was something that i would read that would make me feel... something. Whether good or bad. But the point is, it made me feel.

I would love for all of you to read it. You'd be doing yourself a favour - like i said, Nick Hornby is genius, and then you go and read " High Fidelity " and fall in love with Rob and his music obsession, and then you could watch the movie version which is the best film adaptation of a book i've seen. But for now, i'll just share with you three excerpts from " Long Way Down " that i held onto:

On the way the world works - " It's just life. One person bumps into another person, and that person wants something, or knows someone else who wants something, and, as a result, things happen. Or, to put it another way, if you dont go out, and never meet anyone, the nothing happens. How can it ? "
( How many people have tried telling me that ? )

On seeing someone actually jump from the roof while they ( the four main characters ) were trying to have a reunion meeting - " .... Firstly, he made us realise that we weren't capable of killing ourselves. And secondly, this information made us suicidal again "
( That one in particular applied to me.... )

One of the characters, during her first ever plane trip - " And you probably also know that when you look out of an aeroplane window and see the world shrink like that, you cant help but think about the whole of your life, from the beginning until where you are now, and everyone you've ever known. And you'll know that thinking about those things makes you feel grateful to God for providing them, and angry with Him for not helping you to understand them better, and so you end up in a terrible muddle.... I don't know how these jet-set people who have to fly once or twice a year cope, i really dont. "
( I'm not much on God, but its the sentiment i can relate to.....)

Interesting - much.....

So my good friend SvD emailed me an interesting article the other day regarding a mental health study. Knowing that i am slightly mentally unstable and very much aware of it, i suppose he thought it might make for some enlightening reading on my behalf. Enlightening ? Not quite, but interesting, yes.

The article was written about a long term study into " hardiness ", the quality that determines how well we cope with change - how well we roll with the punches so to speak. Basically this study broke hardiness down into three sub-qualities:
Control: an individuals ability to believe in, and assert, their control in an effort to influence outcome.
Commitment : an individuals want to have involvement that leads to social fulfilment rather than social isolation.
Challenge: an individuals ability to embrace change as an opportunity rather than a threat.
Basically the study found that those people who believed in their level of control, that they could be proactive in managing or controlling certain events, those people who were ambitious in their social lives, that sought company and social activity, those people who took change in their stride and used it positively - those people were more likely to have come from a supportive family environment; that they may have had stressful events in their early lives; and they were more likely to have had a fulfilling and supportive school environment. These people were deemed more hardy than the others. It seems the more positive your early life, the more hardy you were. If you were from a broken home, if you were a bad student or at least had bad teachers, or if you had suffered any stressful events in the early course of your life, you were apparently more likely to fall into the " less hardy " column.

What i found most interesting about this article is not so much its findings, but rather how they relate to me. According to this study i should be a hardy person.I should be adept at handling change, at lowering my stress, at overcoming burdens and using obstacles to my advantage. But, and i can readily admit this, i'm not. At least, not yet.

Lets see:
* Supportive family unit - check. I have one of the most loving, supportive, unquestioning families that i know of. I was almost always told i could be whatever i wanted, that if you wanted something enough you could make it happen. My family has never strayed from that loving, attentive path.
* Postive school environment - check. I was ( still am ) a feircely intelligent girl. I was Dux of my primary school, and was always encouraged to engage myself intellectually. Academically, i was told the sky was the limit.
* Stressful events - check. Unfortunately. So my brother died when i was almost 6. My uncle committed suicide when i was 11. And for much of my early years my family was what you would call working class - we didnt have a lot of money to indulge in clothes, or holidays, or school excursions, or anything considered a luxury.

So, based on all that, i should be a bonafide hardy person. But i'm not so much. Thats what i find interesting - that this long term study would, based on those life experiences, brand me as postively unstoppable, like a noxious weed that just refuses to go down.

Unfortunately, i find myself more like a beautiful yet fragile tree being slowly overgrown by a parasitic ivy....

Friends

So no-one told you life was gonna be this way
Your jobs a joke, you're broke
Your love life's D.O.A
Seems like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your month
Or even your year and...
I'll be there for yoooooooooooooou......


I am now casting for a: Joey, Ross, Chandler and a Monica or a Rachel. I already have one of the girl ones, i just cant decide whether she is a Monica or a Rachel yet ( perhaps i should call her Ronica? Machel ? ) I'll be Phoebe and if someone could throw me a trendy inner city apartment, a cool job, and cute little coffee shop/cafe to hang out in everything should be all good from now on....

The Butterfly Effect

I found myself pondering today how the decisions we make alter the direction of our lives. How if we'd made this decision instead of that, perhaps our lives would different, and how much so ? How different would the decision have to be exactly ? As they say, a butterfly beats its wings and causes a tsunami halfway across the world - so do the tiniest of actions cause cataclysmic effects?

When i was in kindergarten, i sat next to a girl called Lauren. She was in and out of school because she suffered very badly from asthma and, after a 6 week absence, it was up to me, as a 5 yr old, to help her catch up. We became best friends pretty fast - you know how it is when your a little kid, you either love someone with everything you have, or hate them with a passion. Well i loved Lauren, she was my best friend ever, and we remained that way all the way up until the 5th Grade. At this point in my life, at 10 years old, it fell on me to make a pretty big decision. As i mentioned in my last post, i was Dux of my primary school, which meant i was a pretty intelligent kid.At a primary school across town they were putting together a class for " gifted " children, for kids whose intellect, whose intelligence, was considered to above average for their ages - a class that would take all those kids and put them together and nurture their intellects by teaching them more than just standard primary school Math and English. After taking an aptitude test, i was invited to join this class. My parents and spoke with my teachers and they encouraged me to go for it. Ultimately, my parents felt it best that i make the final decision and, being an impressionable 10 year old girl at the time, i decided i would learn just fine where i was and i didnt want to abandon my best friend in the whole wide world. I couldnt do that.

So i said no, i didnt want to be part of the gifted class, and i satyed where i was. This left a gap in the gifted class's numbers and guess who filled it ? My best friend Lauren. Thats right - the very person i had given up my opportunity for is the one who would be filling my shoes. I dont know if the final decision on whether she should go came down to her or her parents, but either way i could help feeling abandoned. Betrayed. Hurt.

If i had taken that opportunity, where would i be know ? Would i have been nurtured mentally, and made to feel that my intelligence wasnt something that should be hidden for the sake of appearing cool ? Surely i would have entirely different set of friends and, thusly, a completely different mindset. The girls that i know that ended up in that class have all been to university and have all travelled; they've now completed degrees and i am sure have far more interesting and stimulating jobs than mine. Would i be in their shoes if i'd made a different decision?

Conversely, what if Lauren had made a different decision ? What if she had stayed on at our school ? Would we still be best friends - currently we are not really in contact, she has had her own share of mental issues as far as i'm aware, and i'd love desperately to catch up with her - which means i would be best friends with Peta? Would we have gone through high school liking the same things, sharing, been joined at the hip> or would we still have drifted apart over time?

I dont like to dwell too much on these things, because rather than just be a fascinating subject on which to ponder, it becomes a source of frusturation, of depression even. Having sat and typed this out, having thought it over most of the afternoon, it is not hard to see where my intense social anxities came from. I always wanted everyone to like me and have never been able to put complete trust in any of my friends. Even know, on the eve of my best friends wedding when she trusts me implicitly with every detail of her life, i find it incredibly hard to open completely up to her, and only skim the surface of the truth.

Their are positives though - had i made a different decision it is likely i would not have the three close friends i have now, the three women i am eternally grateful for. I may not be as close to my family, as i may have gone of to uni, never to return. I may not appreciate the value of things i have, because i might not have had to work as hard for them.

So was my 10 year old's reasoning the beat of a butterfly's wings , and does that make what my life is now a tsunami, of sorts?

Can anyone hear me ?

I live alone. For the most part this is a good thing - i enjoy my space, my freedom, my independence - but just lately its been lonely. I dont know why. Nothing much in my life has changed, there has been no major drama that has pushed me to any brink or anything just... i get lonely.

I get up in the morning. I check my emails while i eat my breakfast, and if i have no new mail, no new messages on Facebook or Bebo, most of the time its okay but sometimes i wonder if people have forgotten me. But no matter. I suck it up, take a shower, pad around my house half naked while i iron my clothes, wash the dishes, do my hair; i can do that because i live alone, its a luxury to not have to get completely dressed until i need to walk out the door. I go off to work and, for the most part, enjoy my day. My work is not hard and i have plenty of human interaction. I love the woman i work most with - i'm kind of, sort of, not officially her boss and she is older than me, but we sometimes end up carrying on like fools by the end of the day.

I finish work at 5:30pm and most days i come straight home. Sometimes i drop into my parents house, or my brothers, usually with some excuse for having to go there but sometimes its just because i want to see someone. The days i do come straight home, i come in, slip off my shoes, get changed and turn on the tv. Always straight onto the same channel - i like to listen to the news while i potter around. I check emails again, tidy up, read a magazine, maybe put on a load of washing. I feed my fish - i started out with four, named after The Beatles, but unfortunately John Lennon was cannibalised by the other three ( almost true to real life ). They are the only pets i am allowed to have in my rental property so thusly my only company. I make my own dinner. I dont really cook as such, not like a chef or a mother - i cook some meat, sometimes vegetables, sometimes rice, on the odd occasion pasta, and throw all together with some packet or jar of sauce. Its cheating, but it keeps me alive. I like to save proper cooking for when people come over - those occasions are not very often. I eat my dinner in front of the TV - i watch The Simpsons, then Neighbours, then Futurama, in that order, almost everyday. I interact with the characters; i get excited when i watch competitive reality programs like So You Think You Can Dance; in my mind its like i know these people. I begin to wind down for the night. I usually get on the net again, see if anyone is on MSN. If they arent, i consider packing it all in and going to bed early but i usually dont. I waste time surfing the net, hoping to find something to alleviate what i usually prefer to identify as boredom.

The clock hits 10:30pm, or thereabouts and i figure i best get some sleep. I turn off the computer, turn out the light in the fish tank, lock the front door, check the back. I go to my bedroom and take off my jewellery. I have a jewellery box but nothing ever goes in there, it just gets laid out on my bedside table. I backtrack to my bathroom. I comb my hair, brush my teeth, clean my face with specially formulated Neutrogena. I stare at myself in the mirror, usually okay with what i see but sometimes i pick out every flaw. Pimple there, too many freckles, my eyebrows need waxing. I pad back down the hallway to my bedroom, my mind already ticking over. I get undressed, poke at the layer of podgy fat that lies over what would be a perfectly flat, toned stomach if i bothered with cardio. I put on pyjamas, set my alarm and turn on the radio. I cant sleep without music on, some kind of background noise, and it comforts me to hear other people talking. The radio stays on all night. I climb into bed, cover myself in sheets, blankets, quilts, depending on the weather.

And thats when it hits me. I'm alone. And lonely. There is no-one there to say " goodnight, sleep tight " to. There is no-one to snuggle into the pillows with, to spoon with, to sleep with. There is no-one who's presence will reassure me when i wake up at 2am after a disturbing dream. There is no-one who will stroke my hair, or my cheek, when they wake at 3am and want some reassuring themselves. And there will be no-one there in the morning when i wake up.

So i just lie there, alone, in the dark, lonely as ever, either trying to hold back the tears or squeezing my eyes shut, desperatly trying to get to sleep so i wont notice the empty space on the other side of my bed.

Its on again

Whats on again ? The great " Amy Makeover " mission. See, at some point during this past year i had grand plans for getting back into my fitness routine, and being one of those girls that has her hair done every month and lord knows what else, and they kinda fell by the wayside a bit. Dont get me wrong - i havent supremely porked up or ignored my hair until it resembles a bunch of non-intended dreadlocks, just that i feel like i need to do some thing along those lines to fill in some odd void i have happening right now. Like taking daily walks and doing half an hour of yoga is going to make me a whole person. Does that sound vaguely ridiculous ?

I know Sheena is saying yes ( watch out woman, i can read your mind ) but to tell you the truth, i think it could go a long way in filling that space. When i was working in the States i went to the gym for an hour a day, at least five days a week. Sitting on a stationary bike, or doing God knows how many tricep dips, or bending my way into Pigeon pose somehow centred me - it was total " me " time and gave me a greater appreciation for what my body could do. Hell, not even just my body - it was my willpower and strength of character that kept me pushing up that imaginary hill , or doing one more set when it felt like my arms were going to detach from their sockets. And there just isnt anything in my life right now thats making me feel that way. Sure, i'm three successful exams way from gaining a technical qualification, but successfully completing an academic course doesnt make me feel the same. I mean, i did that successfully for 18 years of primary and high school education. Sure, i'm proud, but academia is something that always came easy to me. I dont want something thats necessarily going to come easily for me - i want something that i'm going to have to push and strive and fight for, which all sounds rather melodramatic now that i think about it.

Maybe whats missing in my life is drama and adventure and tomfoolery. Tomfoolery - thats such a stupid word. But i digress. Maybe whats missing is some reckless abandon that the Zodiac says i should possess and is just waiting to burst forth. Maybe i need to step it up another notch. Readers of my previous blog will know that my social persona, for lack of a better description, has gone ahead in leaps and bounds of the course of the past 10 months: i've gone from being the girl who went out every weekend but didnt really indulge, just hung with the same one or two people and kind of wanted more, but was just way too shy to try for it, to being the girl who lets people draw smiley faces on her back in permanent marker and lets drunk rugby players lick her face ( hey, as long as he bought me another wine ) and chats to random 18 year olds because their friends told me that they think i'm hot ( damn straight! ). The turn around in my self-confidence has been enormous. So what i'm saying is maybe i need to step it up a notch and be more impromptu - i wana be the one who rings their friends on a Friday night and says " What you doing tomorrow ? We can be in a pub in another state by dinner! " , or who calls everyone and anyone around for a bbq that lasts well into the next day.

Dont ask me how all that relates to wanting to get back into yoga, i only know that the physical and the fun are somehow forever inextricably linked in my mind.....

I am so NOT old...

Not that i ever thought i was... but it seems like everyone else thinks i'm getting on a bit. Which i resolutely am not. At all.

Yes, i know it sounds like i'm trying to convince myself of the fact that i'm not old, but its just that i've been pondering at what age one BECOMES old, and surely its not 23? I mean what state is the world in if i'm old ? I plan on living to at least 100 years old for God's sake.... and its definately a do-able ambition. I mean, if we go off episodes of " Futurama " surely i could even be a cryogenically frozen, re-heated talking head if i wanted to .....

What has any of this got to do with, well, anything you ask ? WEll, i had dinner with an old high school friend last night, a Finnish girl ( yes, a girl from Finland ) who was an exchange student when i was in Year 12, and the more we reminisced, gossiped about who went where and who did what with who, the more it seems like Year 12 was a long, long time ago.However, i have come to the conclusion that this seems so not necessarily because i'm old, but because i'm a changed woman.... it seems like a lifetime ago because it kinda is.

But over and above that old chestnut ( readers of my previous blog will know what i'm talking about - everyone else stay tuned for further explanation at another date... ) is the fact that i seem to have a completely different mindset to most of my friends when it comes to age. We're sitting there talking last night and my exchange student friend, and my otehr high school friend we were with are both moaning about how old we're getting, and the fact that everyone else seems to be getting married, or at least partnered up. Firstly - I AM NOT OLD. Even when i am sixty, i will not be old. I firmly believe you are only as young as you feel, and therefore as young as you act. I dont wana be 15 forever, but i dont wana prematurely wrinkle up and die either. Secondly - I AM NOT OLD. Sure, if Prince Charming finds me tomorrow, sweeps me off my feet and asks me to marry him then woo hoo! If not, please refer to the fact that i am not wrinkling up and dying anytime soon and therefore have plenty f time to live it up, party ( ok, maybe on the odd occasion, sleep with ) the wrong people, or the Not Right, But So Good Right Now People, and eventually everything will into place.

Right ?