Trust Yourself - Your Personal Message

( By Eric Handler ) What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?

Image from  here

I'd say - mistakes are only human; whats important is that we learn from them. Negative emotions will come, im many forms ( revenge, jealousy, bitterness, lonliness, hatred ) but as hard as it is we need to let ourselves feel them... as humans we need to experience the full range of the emotional spectrum. In the end, what you make of yourself is entirely up to you - hold steady to the good things, let go of the bad, and remember always that you are an important part of the universe. Without you, it literally wouldnt be the same....

Trust Yourself - Scared To Do

( By Mary Jaksch )Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.


You know what - i think i've written about quite a bit of " scary " stuff on here. Depression, suicide, loneliness, heartbreak, lying, manipulation and selfishness. Thats some pretty scary shit right there, some stuff that i know other bloggers wouldnt even contemplate writing about. But back when i started this blog, thats primarily what it was for - it was a way of externalising all those things that were weighing me down. It really didnt matter to me whether anyone else read it or not ( although helpful comments were always appreciated ). So when i first saw the question posed in this prompt, i really didnt know what i could answer with. " I've done all the scary stuff - end question " ? And then it hit me...

Image from here

Revenge. Cold, hard, bitchin' revenge. I dont want to admit the feelings i'm having because to even think them makes me sick - what kind of person must i bet to feel this way? Doesn't even having these thoughts make me just as bad as she was? Or does it make me as bad as she said i am? But now here i am, going to admit them, in writing, for all of you to judge .... and thats scary. But you know what would be so satisfying to me? The " revenge " that would make me feel so much better about the way she treated me? What would make me feel like the "winner" ?

Falling pregnant and having another beautiful baby before she does....

Polly Dolly - High School High

And for a breif break in #Trust30 broadcasting - its time for Polly Dolly! ( My favourite weekly memo brough to you by the very talented Dani over at Danimezza ). This week Dani is taking us, and our Polly's, all back to.... 

So thats me, right there - i typically lived ( during winter ) in a hoodie and jeans, or comfy cords like Polly is wearing. I'd wear some kind of skate shoes and i like tieing scarves in my hair, Alice band style, for a bit of colour and style ( my hair wasnt long enough for pony tails or braids or buns... ). I always at least two rings - usually three or four - and they were all either silver statement rings or silver and garnet. And, despite not being too much into makeup at the time, i hardly ever went without mascara and eyeliner. My friends and i went to the movies A LOT and if we couldnt afford the cinema we had movie nights at each others houses... and if i wasnt watching a movie, you could find me in my room, listening to sad/angry music and writing bad emo poetry ( hence the notebook and pen ). Oh yea - i was totally emo on in the inside i just didnt feel the need to do the white make up/black clothes thing!
What was your high school style?  

Trust Yourself - Five Years

( By Corbett Barr ) There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

Me, circa late 2005/early 2006

Dearest 2006 Me - congratulations on getting the optical dispensing job. You were a little worried that you'd return from your year in the USA and not be able to find work, but it only took you 6 weeks. You will have to study, and towards the end of your course you will become a little disillusioned ( some of that old negativity creeping in... ) but dont fret - you pass the course, get your qualification and get licenced. You'll be very proud of yourself, and so you should be.
You wont be stuck at home with Mum and Dad forever either. You'll move out, then back in to save some cash, and the you'll buy a place of your own. This place will become your first family home - yes, despite how you feel right now, the way you get anxious and despair about ever having anyone to love you, you DO find someone. Or they find you, you're still not sure exactly how it worked.... but you find each other and fate deals the cards and you make yourself a fine little family. Your son is becoming quite the little person - he makes you proud, and you love him dearly. Just like your family love you.... dont ever forget that. You'll have your black moments where it all seems futile, but hold steady - it's all going to come good in time.
Enjoy SE Asia when you get there,
The 2011 You.

Future me? Maybe... image from here

Dearest 2016 Me - How are things? Here's how i hope they are - i hope you have a happy marriage; that you have at least two beautiful children ( one more than you currently have ); that you find a better job than you have now and are content in your work; and i hope that you've sold your first family home. It was full of love ( and unfolded washing and magazines you hoarded and bloody toast crumbs all through the carpet ... ) but it was a bit too small for more than three people. I hope that you've found a wonderful family-sized house, and that you've made it into a comfortable home for your children to grow up in. I hope that you can look back at me, the 2011 you, and see me as a strong, resilient woman, and that you are glad for the way that i was... I literally made you what you are ( or aren't, as it may turn out to be ). I'm looking at you, five years away from the here and now, and i'm almost certain the soul-searching i'm doing in this time and place will make you a good woman, a good mother, a good wife. A good person.
Give 2016 Mick a big, dirty, pash from me,

The 2011 You.

Trust Yourself - Dare To Be Bold

The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.


( By Matt Cheuvront ) Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.
The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?

Their was only one thing that immediately came to my mind when i got to pondering these question - I want to be a childrens author.

I've always wanted to - even in kindergarten, when my teachers read my little stories that were a paragraph long instead of just one sentence like the other kids, i would say " When i grow up, i'm always going to write stories ". When asked the same question in Year 6, my final year of primary school, i answered " an author or a paediatrician " ( That last one fell off the radar when i realised too much blood and yucky stuff doesnt make me feel well ). I even expressed the same wish here last year, posting a story i had written for my son and asking you other mummies to critique it. It reviewed well... so whats holding me back?

Fear, certainly - fear of rejection ( What if i think i'm good but no-one else does? ); fear of failure ( What if i concentrate all this effort and nothing comes of it ? ); and, strangely, fear of success ( What if i got one book published and then i couldnt produce a second ? ). But also lack of " know how " - aside from sending off a manuscript to a publishing house, i would have no idea how you go about getting a childrens book publised. I have no contacts in the industry and certainly no-one in my social circle who would have any either. My blog is not well known enough to garner any attention that could help promote any writing i do, and there is no way in the known universe that i have the finances to self-publish ( i dont think i'd want to know anyway - its apparently quite the difficult and thankless route to take ).

So where to from here? I keep churning ideas through my head, keeping noting them down and trying to make something of them; i research publishing house and agents and other novice authors; I volunteer my writing services on websites like Digital Parents and try and get my name out there. I post stories now and then on my blog to see how the childrens-book-reading public respond, and i hope that they enjoy reading them as much i enjoy writing them, that their children might get so excited by the story that they demand repeat readings. I'd love to illicit that kind of response from small children, that huge smile that lights up their faces and the little giggles they get when the words sound funny to them.

I love that stuff - that, that right there, thats what i want to accomplish....

Trust Yourself - Come Alive

Another of the #Trust30 posts - and just for future reference, for the ext month or so you can assume every post is a #Trust30 post unless i say otherwise...
( By Jonathon Mead) Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.
Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?

One week, in the scope of things, is not a very long time ( though much longer than the 15 minutes were given in the first prompt of the #Trust30 challenge ). It might be long enough to organise that sky-dive you've always wanted to do, or take that short trip up the coast that you've been promising yourself, or to dance on the table tops nude at your favourite pub. But, in the scope of things, one week really is not that long a length of time. So, if i did only have that short time left, what would i want to NOT have to worry about? What would i want out of the way so i could enjoy the time i had left?

I'd quit my job - that ones a given. Not only would i not want to spend my last 7 days on Earth working, but i wouldnt want to be working for the company that i am now.
I'd hastily arrange a marriage certificate and licence and tie the knot, even if our parents and Flynn were the only ones in attendance. And...
I'd take my brother aside and tell him to grow up. None of us are sulky teenagers anymore and that means more empathy and less selfishness and immaturity.

Those are the three things that i'd want to get off my plate - off my " To Do " list, so to speak. So why dont i do them now? Why are they still loitering on that list of things that need doing, just not in the forseeable future? Well - the wedding IS in the forseeable future. With only 5 months til our big day i think we can pretty much take it as a given that this WILL happen. Quitting my job? Well, being the responsbile adult and mother that i like to think that I am... i cant quit without another job to go to. I cant just leave my family hanging for the sake of my own happiness. It might be sad to say, but sometimes we need to put our own satisfaction and happiness aside, just for a little while, to benefit the greater good. I wont do it forever though - in fact, i am currently looking a other employment options and should they not work out i fully intend on not going back to my current job after my next period of maternity leave. ( Having another child is also at the top of my " To Do " list....unfortunately that one doesnt have instaneous results, and wont be hurried ).

And the brother thing? Lets just say someone needs reminding about the importance of family, and the way its supposed to work. He also needs reminding that just has he aged so have others, and though he still wants to see them as they were, theyve grown and matured and so should he. The reason i dont say this to him in the here and now is because, right now, it isnt exactly my place. And, even if it were, there would be repercussions that maybe i dont want to deal with. ( Selfish? Yes - perhaps this is a slight case of the pot calling the kettle black.) So i dont say it, though if it isnt said soon - by me or whomever else - it might end up being too late.
So thats that - those are things i'd need to do to allow myself to breath and feel alive for my last week on Earth. After those were out of the way... sky-diving? Freaking hell yea! Trip up the coast? Definately - Mick and Flynn included. Nudie table dancing at the pub? Even with only a week to live, methinks not....

Trusting Yourself - Travel

This another blog in the #Trust30 initiatve series - cant believe i'm up to prompt #5 already...

( From Chris Guillebeau ) Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

As a teenager - and especially one who suffered from depression - i constantly had my head in the clouds, dreaming of the future ( which, in my mind, would no doubt be much better than my present... ). And these future adventures quite often occurred in exotic locations, foreign destinations as far from my rural town existence as i could get. I did a lot of day-dreaming, so choosing just one place that i'd like to visit before i die hasnt been easy.

I've been fortunate enough to be able to have travelled a little. I lived and worked in suburban New Jersey, USA, which allowed me to spend a lot of time in New York City ( and doesnt every film loving teenager dream of going there? ); i did a four day trek through the Andes to Machu Picchu and experienced not just the majesty of Mother Nature but the spiritual beliefs of a culture much, much different from my own ( its a long story ); and i've done the SE Asia thing, spending a few weeks traipsing through Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand. At one point, my short term life goal was to have visited at least one country on every continent before i turn 30 - with only 2 and half years to go i am only 2 continents shy of that goal but, unfortunately, a lack of finances has made achieving that goal impossible. So where do i go from here?

Morrocco

I move the goal posts from " ...before i turn 30 " to " ...before i die " and to achieve that goal i'd take my updated dream trip - a few weeks travelling from Morrocco , through Portugal, into Spain, and then across to France and finally Italy. So rather than the " place " referred to in the prompt question, i've gone with the one trip i want to do before i die. This trip crosses everything off my list - two continents, fantastic food, different cultures and languages and a broad range of experiences.

Spain

 Its a trip i could do with my husband ( who is still currently my fiance ) when our children ( currently only one but we'll work on that towards the end of this year ) are grown; something we can aspire to do when we retire, or earlier if circumstances allow. It will mean dedicating small savings to a specific account, sacrificing frivolous things would could have in the here and now, knowing how amazing the end goal will be. It means cheaper, smaller, domestic holidays as a family, quality family time spent in our own backyard, saving that big overseas trip for us as a couple - a reward for a job well done in raising a family. ( Presumably ).

Italy

And it means that i keep dreaming of the colours; the aromas; the rushes of excitment - and live my life as if that dream is only a day or two away...

* All images from http://www.weheartit.com/  - and i hope the bullfighting picture doesnt offend anyone, i just wanted something that was quintessentially Spanish...