Sunday, September 14, 2008

Letter not yet written

Dear P,

I have had a horrible week and its only lead into a horrible weekend. I have cried myself to sleep the last three nights and although you cannot change that, I just wanted someone to know. I think this is the point entirely - I want some to know me, to be able to share intimately and, although you are clearly not this person, as my best friend telling you is probably a good start. I am your best friend right ( aside from your husband of course ) ? Because you have not answered the last three text messages i have sent in the last week or so; the only reason i knew you were in town last week was because i saw you walk past my store in the pouring rain; the other two knew ahead of time. Perhaps i am being needy. Insecure. Paranoid.

You know that Newton Faulkner song?
" I need something to believe in/
Cos i dont believe in myself.
Scared of failure/
So scared of success/
Guess it will all work out "

You know that song ? Thats me. I dont know what i'm doing anymore - not that i ever did. A couple of months back i thought i did and i was so excited, i thought i'd finally figured it out. Wasnt it all so simple ? Nope. No it hasnt been simple, and its not so easy, and nothing has happened. Nothig has changed, at least not for the better, and here i am , still stuck. And i despair at it. I'm so desperately, desperately lonely and feel i have no control at all. You know what my pyschologist said ? Go out, just start talking to someone new. How about i invite some old school friends for dinner ? Surely that would have me out and about, socialising. Wasnt he listening when i said how utterly afraid of that i am? How i cannot just go out and start talking to new people, all on my own? It is that viscious circle - I cannot go out on my own, alone, to meet new people. The prospect of propping myself up at a bar without a single soul for support is terrifying ( and probably, in some situations, not so safe ); yet i cannot find new friends if i sit at home and cry all the time. Crying silently into your pillow is not some kind of siren song with which to lure new friends to my door. It doesnt work like that. So what am i to do? Same as always - smile, laugh, fake happiness when my parents ask about my day, and shrink beneath my sheets in the dark.

I spent Friday night at home, with my parents, watching a rugby league game on tv. If i were a normal 24 year old i would have been out drinking wine with my girlfriends, or seeing a movie with a cute date. But i wasnt. I was balled up on the lounge, hugging a pillow in a desperate attempt not to burst into tears. How utterly pathetic. I spent Saturday night sitting up til midnight with a 3 year child that isnt mine, keeping her company and drying her tears until her mother came to pick her up, all the while only just keeping my own tears at bay. If i am going to sit up half the night with an upset child, I wish it could be one of my own. But that prospect is not available to a 24 year old woman with no husband, fiance, boyfriend or even potential date in sight. A 24 year old woman without a man by her side would be out on the town on a Saturday night, in a cute little dress and gorgeous high heels. I have the dresses and the heels, but no occasion to where them. No friends to invite me to a party or out for a drink. Hell, i went to the movies on my own today because I have no friends to invite along. At least i was out of the house i suppose.

" Scared of failure/
So scared of success /
Guess it will all work out ".

But it hasnt yet. I had that brilliant idea of finding a new job and moving to the coast but it hasnt just all worked out. I have applied for at least 50 jobs, and have heard back in regards to two of them. I keep searching for new positions, and i check the real estate websites so i have some idea of what kind of rent i could afford in these areas - but nothing has come from it. It is to the point now, after only 2 months, where I am scared of never finding a job somewhere else and being stuck in here in my parents house, alone and unloved, until either they, or I, die. But equally I am scared of success, of scoring an interview and getting a fantastic new job. It means moving away from the only support units i have, of finding my own way for a while - and what if it all falls apart from there? What if the success of finding a job turns into the failure of not doing it well, of falling apart, again, on my own ? Then i would only have to skulk back home, tail between my legs, head in my hands, a real loser. Maybe it isnt worth trying.

But i should be taking risks right ? Nothing comes from simply wishing, I need to be proactive. I need to take control. So i'm going to start small. For the next month i will diet. I will only eat nutritous foods and not give in to cravings for " bad " foods. I will only treat myself once a week ( whether it be chocolate, or cake, or a hamburger... ). I will go to the gym at least four times i week. I know i can push myself there, I can control what happens. And, for the next month, i will spend no unnecessary money on myself. I will not buy new clothes or music or dvds. I will save money and draw strength from knowing i can control my spending. These three things i CAN control - they arent dependant on what others may be thinking of me, or how terrible and lonely i feel. I'll concentrate on these and focus my worries and fears and despairs on these. Take my mind off things i cant control and dont have.

Does this make sense ? I know it cant possibly be easy having an insecure paranoid for a best friend. I'm suprised you havent gotten ridden of me yet. Come to think of it - whats wrong with you ?

If i had guts enough i might send this to you,
Much love,

Amy xxoo


  1. Friend,
    While I do sypathise with you, I cannot tolerate this. Would you please take better care of yourself? No I do NOT mean for you to spend all of your time in the GYM, or not allowing yourself treats or money becouse you dont feal worthy of such treatment. This is a good start. Next, Indeed DO go to the bar alone. Get to know a bartender or two, and the whole saftey thing will be mute becouse a bartender will take care of a tipping customer. Also, the strangers that make you so anxious will eventually become familiar. As far as statying home for a while, It could be worse. Whilst you are in your little hole of despair becouse others around you tollerate it, You are alive. As for fear of moving, Thereis a little saying, Those who dare, Win. There is no reason that you should fail once you remove yourself from the environment that you SOOOO hate. You might even find a friend like me who would drag your ass out nomatter what kind of protest you offer.
    Hope you feel beter,

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  3. Besides, who else can move to differnt countries and have a blast as you? You just got to take the gloves off and get out of your comfort zone. I believe in you!

  4. Dearest Snuffy,

    Thankyou. Sincerely. You know how i get in my depressive episodes, and i wana thankyou for always sticking around. Believe it or not, i believe in me too - most of the time. Sometimes my brain just turns against me.

    Feeling okay for now,

  5. Hi Amy, oh hunny you know that this is temporary, and it will pass. I wish I could go back to 24 and give myself those ten years, because a lot does happen in this time. Friends and lovers will come from around the corner, when you least expect them. I am the exactly the same, bottling up my emotions in silence, keeping it all a big secret and denying myself the support I need. Trying to be strong because facing my worries by airing them might all be too much to bear. You do have the ability to go and take yourself to the gym and the cinema, something I'm too scared to do. I know that this stuff does not give the emotional fulfillment that you need but you are free in that respect. I honestly think that you and I have something in common here, and if I'm wrong I apologise. It's like you want everything about you to be perfect before you feel ready, your body, your career, where you live etc. When this is all in place then you'll have the confidence to do it. Right? Well this friend of yours who's letting you down isn't perfect, and still you want to be friends with her. You don't judge her as harshly as yourself. The best people are the ones you feel comfortable with, the ones who have faults and make mistakes, because they don't intimidate us. If I was close enough to be your friend I'd be honoured.

    Be kind to yourself sweet girl...X

  6. I totally and completely understand where you are coming from, and, in fact, only wish I had the courage you did to be as up front about it. Finding new friends and having the social life that everyone else seems to have (although, in reality, that's really just on TV) is so ridiculously difficult. Sometimes, I feel like I'm auditioning to play the part of someone's friend and hope I get a call back.
    There are way too many weekend nights where I am watching a rented movie, alone, and wondering why I'm not out and about. It's a crushing feeling.
    So I do hope this is only a short-term period in your life... you deserve better, if only because your blog is full of awesomeness and I can just tell you'd be great to hang out with (if it wasn't for that damn other side of the world thing, I'd be there in a second)