Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Seven Stages

I dont know if its common knowledge or not, but apparently there are 7 stages of grieving for a human being.
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and frusturation
4. Depression and reflection
5. The " upward " turn
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance

Strangely, after the "break up " with my best friend, i find myself going through these stages. No-one has died, yet i still feel grief for a relationship lost. Is that weird? And do you know where i think i'm up to?
3. Anger and Frusturation - Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else . This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. Yes, after all these years of being meek and mild, of being the kind of person who dislikes confrontation, who can find the good in most people, i've finally arrived at "angry ". I'm not exactly wanting to " lay unwarranted blame " because as far as i'm concerned it takes two to tango ( so they say ). I am at the stage where i have confronted the accusations thrown at me and come to accept that even if i dont understand where they have come from, i do understand that they are real to her, and i have accepted responsibility for that. However, i have also looked back on the past few years of relationship and have had the clarity to see all those little things i missed, those signs that i was on the outer....and i feel stupid. I feel like i've been lead on and played for a fool, and that makes me both sad and angry. Sad that i missed them all and i could have saved myself this heartache, if only i werent so trusting; and angry that i could have been treated that way by someone who once, supposedly, loved me.And angry, too, that she can't or wont "own " how she's made me feel.
And yes, its time for the release of bottled up emotion. But i wont do that here, and i wont do it to her face ( partly because i dont want to cause any more trouble, and partly because i have no line of communication with her anymore ). No, i do it in the shower, like all good women. In the shower i'm free to talk under the sound of the water, to whisper all those words i'd like to say, to let out the feelings that have been dragging me down the last few weeks, and to cry and cry and cry, and let the water wash away any evidence of my tears.
In the shower i can be naked, physically and emotionally, and i can let.It.Out. I just wonder how much longer til i reach the seventh stage and i can let it all go....


  1. It's so hard when you break up with such a close friend. I had a similar thing myself and I promise it does get better. The shower's a good place, it's where I let out everything that I can't say anywhere else. Maybe in time you'll be able to talk to each other about what happened but in the mean time I hope stage 7 isn't too far away x

  2. i think grief can happen over many things not just death. A good cry does do wonders and just being gentle to yourself

  3. You've articulated so well why it is that we cry in the shower. I've been doing a bit of that myself lately. I hope you find peace with this soon.

  4. I went through a friendship "divorce" a couple of years ago that really broke my heart. I'm glad now it doesn't upset me anymore but I know exactly what you mean about the stages of grieving.

  5. Goodness, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's incredibly difficult and a lot of what you wrote here sounds familiar to me. Funnily (or not) enough, in a strange twist, after my daughter died and I found myself at this same stage as you think you are now, I was cast out by someone very near and dear to me (because I lashed out, passive aggressively). So I went through this grief process for the loss of that person after they removed themselves from my life! Eeek. What a mess relationships can be sometimes.

    You'll see it through. Stay close to the learning for *you* in all this, I am certain a lot of good will come of it in the long run. Good luck.

  6. Darling, it's normal to grieve for a friendship. Something has died, even if it's not a person. I hope you're starting to feel much better, very soon xoxox

  7. So sorry your dealing with all that. I never grieved the friendship I lost with my best friend. It's been about 8 years now, and I'm still angry. What she did was awful.

  8. Hi There! I am your newest follower from the Friday linky!! I love finding new blogs and yours is lovely! You can find me at

    Oh, I have several wonderful handmade giveaways going on right now. Be sure to check them out if you stop by:) Have a wonderful weekend!

  9. Sorry that you have to go through this. Losing a friend is never fun.