Friday, June 17, 2011

Trust Yourself - Wholly Strange and New

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

Image from here
You have no idea literally i'm going to take this one - the moment when I "had life in myself " and it was " wholly strange and new "? That moment, for me, was the day i found out i was pregnant. Literally the first time i life inside myself ( is your mind being blown yet? ) and every single thing about it was new and strange - yet somehow oddly ...well...right.

When i found out i was pregnant, even though it was only 3 months into my relationship with Mick ( yes, you read that right, 3 months when i found out, so i would have fallen pregnant 6 weeks into the relationship ), it was like everything i had ever dreamt of was falling into place. Not all that fanciful travelling the world, winning Lotto, marrying a bazillionaire kind of stuff - the romantic notion of what my everyday life would be like. I had the man who loved me, i was going to be a mother, i had a good job and a supportive family. Puzzle pieces were finally appearing to fit together.

And then one that i thought was so firmly in place fell out - the " best friend " piece. When i told her i was pregnant she stopped talking to me for a while. She thought it was far too early in the relationship ( even though the pregnancy wasnt planned ), that i shouldnt be having a baby at all and (admitted after the fact ) that she was jealous that I was pregnant and she wasnt. Even though at the time i was so desperately upset and confused, in retrospect i think those collective moments were the ones that really set me on my own path. Til then i had lived so much in her shadow - always the funny friend who never had a steady boyfriend, who didnt go to uni, who didnt have as good a job or as much money. Always living so much of my life vicariously through her because she seemed to have most of her puzzle pieces already in place. I was happy to just to sit on the sidelines and be her cheerleader. But, after those moments, after the hurtful silence and then the angry, bitter words.... after that, i realised how much i needed to step up, and step out, and become my own woman in order to be the best (future)wife and mother and human being i could be.

And, as most of my regular readers would know, we dont talk anymore. We havent spoken a word in at least 8 months now. I have missed her a lot, in small quiet moments, or in times of celebration, but i've tried to keep my chin up and walk my path with other, better, people at my side. The rest of my puzzle pieces are still in place and who knows? Maybe i'll never find a perfect fit for that " best friend " piece - maybe i'll try a whole bunch of other pieces and they'll each suffice for a time but none of them will ever fit the way she did. But what i do know is i'm stronger now for having lost her, and i'll keep pushing forward on my path, puzzle complete or not....


  1. That photo is amazing.

    We are similar in the fact that we got pregnant early in the relationship. Stick it to those who said it wouldn't last :p

  2. Our sons are about the same age - my older son was born Dec 2009 (second son Jan 2011). First was planned. 2nd not so much.

    I am new to your blog but have been following you on twitter for a bit. It is always nice to find a new blog I like.

    I can relate a lot to what you wrote here- I went overseas, met my husband, went home and my friends back in Australia & I no longer really had anything in common. Turns out we never really did but that change in my life is what it took for me to see that. The people I am talking about I went to highschool with- I keep in contact with 3 friends from school on a regular basis but that is all and it is great when we catch up but we sometimes go 6-12 months without seeing each other and that is fine.

    Someone that can`t support you or your choices is not a friend you need anyway but I do feel for you, losing a friend is hard and it takes time to get over that "lost" friendship. I still mourn for some of my old friends and I have not had much to do with them really in 5 years.

    I hope you eventually find the "best friend" piece you talk about- I don`t have one single best friend, just a bunch of best friends- maybe that i what you will find/have too!

  3. Ahh Amy - an unplanned pregnancy rocking your world? Yup. Major life change and challenges? Yup. Friendships that you believed were rock solid suddenly torn apart YUP.

    Wholly new and strange but look how far you have come. I so relate to this post and your experiences.....

  4. What a strong and beautiful woman you are Amy. I bet you have some wonderful friends. One thing I have learnt in my life that friendships can be draining, its whether they are worth the fight and sometimes as sad as it feels they aren't.

  5. At major turning points in our life, during times of crisis and celebration we often learn who our true friends are. I'm sure another will fill the missing puzzle piece...sometimes we just need different type sof friends during different periods in our life...each is right in their own way at a particular time...hope that makes sense :)