You would think from the level of excitement i had in my last post that i would have given you answer to the " find out or not ? " question by now. Yes, you would think that. However, the scan that i had been jumping out of my skin excited about didnt go all that well, and my enthusiasm to do an update post completely waned. To fill you in:
I went down Wednesday morning with a full bladder and an over-active, excited mind. I got called in by a sonographer who explained that she was only training in obstetrics, and that she would do the first 20 mins of the scan and a qualified sonographer(QS) would be in to do the rest. That was fine - i dont begrudge anyone the chance to learn so i had no problem with a trainee assisting. She was pretty good - she got the pictures she needed of the babies extremities and told me what she was photographing as she went along, and then she called the QS in. Thats where things kind of went down hill. For the next 45 mins i was poked and prodded ( to the point of hurting in some places ), and treated much like a lab rat: that is, the QS spoke directly to her trainee in technical terms, explaining the best way to get a good picture, how many she should take, different views etc.... but hardly spoke to me. When she did it was once to tell me that my baby has two kidneys ( hooray for that! ) and more than half a dozen times to tell me how difficult/unco-operative/stubborn my baby was being. She didnt bother to explain any of the technical jargon to me, and even when i outrightly asked a question, i didnt get much of an answer. Eventually i just shut down and lie there, like an experimental guinea pig.
As if that wasnt enough, we get to the end of an hour and the QS finally says " You're all done! "... this is despite me having mentioned four times that we would like to find out the gender. So i asked if there was any indication and she sighed, put the probe back on my stomach and said " I'm very sorry but bubby is lying with the cord between its legs, i cant see anything so i wouldnt like to hazard a guess " and then proceeded to hand me some paper towel and telling me i could clean myself up when i was ready. I near about burst into tears right there on the bed - after all the poking and prodding, all the second and third and fourth attempts to get the pictures they needed, she wouldnt even try to get a look at something i was interested in. I felt like she was telling me that what i cared about wasnt important - which of course translates to " You're not important ".
Now i know the important thing is that bub is healthy - and as far as i could tell from the tech speak and lack of telling me otherwise, Little Jelly is going great. Truth be told i would have still been disappointed if we couldnt find out, even if the rest of the scan had been great. But i just felt like i had been dismissed as a mum who has concerns of her own, and really the only point to me being there was so they had a test subject to learn on. I cried all the way back to my mums, and i couldnt stop crying for at least an hour after that ( to the point where my mum wouldnt let me take Flynn home, she just told me to " go rest ". Instead, i made an appointment with my GP for that afternoon and had a chat to her about how i was made to feel ( and how i've been feeling increasingly down in general ). She was great and gave me a referral to have the scan again, at a different radiologists. I have to pay for this one this time but because my GP is great and noted on the referral that i had already had a scan at the "competitors ", the new place is giving me a discount.
So 10 more days until we can try again. Hopefully this time the sonographer i end up with has a bit of compassion for an anxious mum, and Mr or Miss Jelly in there is a bit more happy to flash his/her bits!
It’s been a while since I had my heart broken
3 weeks ago