I had one of those days today. Nothing much at all went wrong, just it was an odd kind of day. I had very little to actually do at work ( apparently my colleague and i are just too damn efficient ), yet the day seemed to fly by; my mind wandered off on really random tangents but i alway smanaged to think my way back around to what i was supposed to be doing; it was grey, overcast and relatively cold for this time of year, but i didnt seem to mind, as long as it managed to rain. So, in honour of my odd day, here are just a handful of random, stupid things that you probably dont care to read:
1. Tonight is the first night that i have not successfully completed the task on my " To Do " list. This, however, is excusable. Tonights task was to clean the spiderwebs off the outside of my house - i'm hardly going to do that in the rain now, am i ?
2. Looooooving the Australian Open at the moment. Am taping away while i listen to Baghdatis vs Safin, knowing that i'll have to get to bed soon and wont get to see the end of the match. Did however watch all of Roddicks match last night and will watch any Nadal match i am home for. Mmmm, Rafael Nadal....
3. My head is buzzing with plans for my best friends hen's night. I have a resturant to book, theme to decide upon and then invites to get out. Plus there are games to think of that are appropriate in a retsurant setting, decorations, party favours, and a list of challenges to complete at the local pubs. So much pressure on my poor bridesmaids head!
4. Very excited about getting a gym membership for my birthday. I'm havign visions of dropping weight, adding toned muscle, and becoming a professional tennis player. Mmmm, Rafael Nadal....
5. I broke the aerial on my car yesterday. I parked in the under cover parking at the shopping centre where i work and, unbeknownst to me, my aerial got caught in a grate covering a light on the ceiling. When i started backing out i hear this weird grating noise and then snap! Broke about 4cm off the top! What a fucker... but at least i still get radio reception.
6. I've come to realise that i really hate those erectile disfunction adds they play all bloody day long on the radio. You know, the ones about getting your sausage to sizzle this summer, being longer and stronger with some women moaning liking she's having the greatest orgasm of her life ? I know i dont have a penis, but you cant help but hear the ads and start thinking about sex. And the last place you want to be thinking about sex is at work, with only two other women and two incredibly dorky, unattractive men for company, knowing you are not getting any, from anyone, anywhere, any time soon. Mmmm, Rafael Nadal....
7. Ben Lee's album , " Ripe ", completely rocks. Check out his duet with Mandy Moore plus the song " Just Say Yes ". Perfect intelligent, melodic, singer-songwriter pop.
And thats it. Like i said, it was an odd kind of day. Embrace it with me....
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Clarification
So according to the comments on my post regarding my dream the other night, i am apparently the only one who understand what it means. Which, i suppose, is a good thing otherwise it would be like the rest of you knew too much about me, being able to interpret my dreams and all.
So, for the benefit of those who queried me in those comments, here is what i believe that dream is telling me:
" Black dog " is a colloquial term for depression, coined by Winston Churchill i believe. It's used in a lot of texts and when i first undertook counselling i was given a video to watch called " Taming the Black Dog " ( or something close to that ... ). Now, from what i can remember of the dream i am watching this huge, furry, black dog through my window - i know its there, i know it probably wants to come in but i dont open the window or the door, i just sit, and watch, and wait. Somehow - and i dont remember how, maybe i eventually DID let it in, i dont remember, thats just the way dreams work i suppose - this cuddly looking black dog gets into my house and bites me, on the ribs of all places, high up ( kind of near my armpit actually ...weird. ). And then - i dont know, because thats when i woke up.
So, having thought about it over the course of the morning and, since my post, the last few days, i think this black dog is representative of depression, of the depressing, ambivalent, non-motativational " mood " i have slowly been sinking into for the last couple of months. Just like in the dream, i could see it coming - i knew i was getting progressively lonelier, sadder, less motivated to do things - but i didnt really do anything other than sit and wait for the inevitable meltdown to come. Or for the black dog to break in and bite me, if you will. Secondly, the fact that this dog bites me around the ribs is telling aswell. Physically, my ribs are the most sensitive area of my body - it is, depending on the mood, either an intense pleasure or an intense pain to be touched there - so the fact that this is where the dog has chosen to attack tells me the depression is hitting me, attacking, preying on my weaknesses.
Lastly, and perhaps most alarmingly, its the appearance of the dog that disturbs me. This dog, in the dream, was not scary looking. It wasnt aggressive like, for example, a Doberman or a Rottweiler, big black dogs that most of us assume could do us some damage. No, the dog in the dream was big, furry, cuddly looking - more like a black Labrador. A dog that you would like to own, to shower affection on, to have as a company. The fact that i wasnt afraid of this dog, that despite the fact that i didnt welcome it into my house, i made no huge attempt to stop it and, other than the fact that it bit me, i actually didnt mind so much having a dog in the house, makes me think maybe i like being depressed ? Maybe i actively court these feelings because they make me feel different and or special ?
Or maybe, in that third instance anyway, i'm just over-analysing....
So, for the benefit of those who queried me in those comments, here is what i believe that dream is telling me:
" Black dog " is a colloquial term for depression, coined by Winston Churchill i believe. It's used in a lot of texts and when i first undertook counselling i was given a video to watch called " Taming the Black Dog " ( or something close to that ... ). Now, from what i can remember of the dream i am watching this huge, furry, black dog through my window - i know its there, i know it probably wants to come in but i dont open the window or the door, i just sit, and watch, and wait. Somehow - and i dont remember how, maybe i eventually DID let it in, i dont remember, thats just the way dreams work i suppose - this cuddly looking black dog gets into my house and bites me, on the ribs of all places, high up ( kind of near my armpit actually ...weird. ). And then - i dont know, because thats when i woke up.
So, having thought about it over the course of the morning and, since my post, the last few days, i think this black dog is representative of depression, of the depressing, ambivalent, non-motativational " mood " i have slowly been sinking into for the last couple of months. Just like in the dream, i could see it coming - i knew i was getting progressively lonelier, sadder, less motivated to do things - but i didnt really do anything other than sit and wait for the inevitable meltdown to come. Or for the black dog to break in and bite me, if you will. Secondly, the fact that this dog bites me around the ribs is telling aswell. Physically, my ribs are the most sensitive area of my body - it is, depending on the mood, either an intense pleasure or an intense pain to be touched there - so the fact that this is where the dog has chosen to attack tells me the depression is hitting me, attacking, preying on my weaknesses.
Lastly, and perhaps most alarmingly, its the appearance of the dog that disturbs me. This dog, in the dream, was not scary looking. It wasnt aggressive like, for example, a Doberman or a Rottweiler, big black dogs that most of us assume could do us some damage. No, the dog in the dream was big, furry, cuddly looking - more like a black Labrador. A dog that you would like to own, to shower affection on, to have as a company. The fact that i wasnt afraid of this dog, that despite the fact that i didnt welcome it into my house, i made no huge attempt to stop it and, other than the fact that it bit me, i actually didnt mind so much having a dog in the house, makes me think maybe i like being depressed ? Maybe i actively court these feelings because they make me feel different and or special ?
Or maybe, in that third instance anyway, i'm just over-analysing....
Friday, January 11, 2008
I forgot about this....
I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
I'm rockin' this list, yo
The challenge is going well - i have thus far successfully completed the first three days of tasks, and still managed to watch " The Amazing Race " last night and " Cirue Du Soleil's Varekai " on TV tonight. Ace for me!
I also made up my mind on what i want my father to cook me for my birthday dinner a few weeks from now ( Chicken Deluxe, with hasselback potatoes and crunchy green beans... mmmm ) and came up with a suggestion for my birthday present. I want a monster truck, bright red with flames up the sides, named Big Bertha, so i can just drive right over the top of everyone who drives slow, doesnt know where they're going or tries to cut me off. What ? Road rage ? Me?
But seriously, my parents are, after discussing it with me, going to buy me a 3 month gym membership for my birthday. It was my idea to join the gym, and theirs to pay for my membership. See, i figure joining the gym will give me something else other than my lonliness to focus my energies on; it will give me a place to go after work other than just coming straight home to lie on the lounge; and it will improve me physically which can only be a bonus right ? Plus, regualr exercise is on the recommended natural forms of lifting a depression, without the drugs, so it will be twice as good for me. So we can all look forward to a brighter, more energetic, slimmer me.... yay!
And that be all for now. Its Friday night, i have watched the brilliant Cirque Du Soleil presentation and i have uploaded 8 ( count 'em - 8! ) CD's to Itunes.... i have nothing left on my plate except to sleep.
Oh, i have some dishes that need doing too, but they arent on the official list so they can wait til tomorrow....
I also made up my mind on what i want my father to cook me for my birthday dinner a few weeks from now ( Chicken Deluxe, with hasselback potatoes and crunchy green beans... mmmm ) and came up with a suggestion for my birthday present. I want a monster truck, bright red with flames up the sides, named Big Bertha, so i can just drive right over the top of everyone who drives slow, doesnt know where they're going or tries to cut me off. What ? Road rage ? Me?
But seriously, my parents are, after discussing it with me, going to buy me a 3 month gym membership for my birthday. It was my idea to join the gym, and theirs to pay for my membership. See, i figure joining the gym will give me something else other than my lonliness to focus my energies on; it will give me a place to go after work other than just coming straight home to lie on the lounge; and it will improve me physically which can only be a bonus right ? Plus, regualr exercise is on the recommended natural forms of lifting a depression, without the drugs, so it will be twice as good for me. So we can all look forward to a brighter, more energetic, slimmer me.... yay!
And that be all for now. Its Friday night, i have watched the brilliant Cirque Du Soleil presentation and i have uploaded 8 ( count 'em - 8! ) CD's to Itunes.... i have nothing left on my plate except to sleep.
Oh, i have some dishes that need doing too, but they arent on the official list so they can wait til tomorrow....
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Well thats obvious
It 8am and i have just gotten out of bed. I woke up at 4am, after a dream where a giant, furry, black dog broke into my house and bit me. Fucker. Might sound weird but i know EXACTLY what thats referring to....
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Baby steps people, baby steps....
After having had a relatively important conversation ( hinted at in the comments on my last post ) and being tired of sitting around like a steaming pile of depressed crap, i have decided to take charge and get better. Or at least back to normal anyways. I was lying in bed last night, willing myself to quit thinking and drift off to sleep but i actively decided that if my brain wouldnt shut down the least i could do is think about something useful and important. So last night i decided to set myself a challenge, small but significant - in the lead up to my 24th birthday i am going to take time out each day to do one menial task that i have been putting off. One chore, one little thing that i have had no motivation to do even though i know i should. I am going to push myself to do the set task, no matter how bored/tired/depressed i happen to be. So i sat down in my lunch break and this is what i cam up with :
Wed 9th - Fold basket of washing that has been piling up for 4 weeks.
Thurs 10th - Put folded washing away - including hanging jeans and dresses!
Fri 11th - Upload at least 6 CDs to Itunes.
Sat 12th - Finishing packing away the crap in the spare room.
Sun 13th - Take down my Christmas tree. Yep, its still up.
Mon 14th - Clean the bathroom, including making room for where Erin's stuff will go when she moves in.
Tues 15th - Sweep and mop kitchen.
Wed 16th - Unpack at least two boxes that are still languishing in the garage.
Thurs 17th - Get rid of the cobwebs springing up on the outside of my house.
Fri 18th - Upload at least another 6 CD's to Itunes.
Sat 19th - Sort through my clothes - take the old ones to charity.
Sun 20th - Clean out the fish tank.
Mon 21st - Vacuum all the carpeted rooms.
And there you be, thats it, there's my list. Like i said - small, menial, everyday tasks that i have just not been able to drag myself out of the cloud to do. But i am now, i'm going to make myself, making small baby steps to other things. Another baby step - tonight is the first night in almost 4 weeks that i have cooked myself an actual meal and not just eaten fruit or made some toast. It was only spaghetti, nothing fancy, but it was a big thing.
Wish me luck....
Wed 9th - Fold basket of washing that has been piling up for 4 weeks.
Thurs 10th - Put folded washing away - including hanging jeans and dresses!
Fri 11th - Upload at least 6 CDs to Itunes.
Sat 12th - Finishing packing away the crap in the spare room.
Sun 13th - Take down my Christmas tree. Yep, its still up.
Mon 14th - Clean the bathroom, including making room for where Erin's stuff will go when she moves in.
Tues 15th - Sweep and mop kitchen.
Wed 16th - Unpack at least two boxes that are still languishing in the garage.
Thurs 17th - Get rid of the cobwebs springing up on the outside of my house.
Fri 18th - Upload at least another 6 CD's to Itunes.
Sat 19th - Sort through my clothes - take the old ones to charity.
Sun 20th - Clean out the fish tank.
Mon 21st - Vacuum all the carpeted rooms.
And there you be, thats it, there's my list. Like i said - small, menial, everyday tasks that i have just not been able to drag myself out of the cloud to do. But i am now, i'm going to make myself, making small baby steps to other things. Another baby step - tonight is the first night in almost 4 weeks that i have cooked myself an actual meal and not just eaten fruit or made some toast. It was only spaghetti, nothing fancy, but it was a big thing.
Wish me luck....
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Stop searching the obituaries, i havent died...
Nor have i fallen off the face of the planet, or moved underground to live with the mole people. I merely decided that i needed to take a complete break from blogging, just for a little while, because if i cant escape the confines of my own mind i can at least escape from putting them to print. You would think that getting thoughts and feelings out would do a person some good, would at least get things off my chest, and in some part it does, but it also lets you read and re-read things that perhaps you'd rather not live through again. But never mind that, here i am, alive and sort of well, at least today.
See thing is, just after my last post in december, which was relatively sunny in comparison to the other recent posts, i had a nice little meltdown. Not exactly on a Britney Spears kind of scale, but big enough for me to take notice and need to take a step back. I'm talking a full blown panic attack, crying and thinking ( and hoping ) that i would die; strangely enough, the start of this panic attack happened in front of my parents and younger sister, at their house, which i fled in tears. I drove home, erratically mind you, and tried locking myself in my house in the dark but my mum kept calling and calling and within 20 minutes or so they had turned up at my place, trying to help. And they did a little, in that instance anyway - i still kept crying, stopping and starting, still struggling to draw breath at some points but they managed to calm me down and talk me through what was plaguing me at that particular moment. Apparently my parents are a lot smarter than i thought - they told me they'd noticed that i'm lonely, that my behaviour had been more depressed and nonchalant lately, that a lot of the time it appeared like i really didnt care about anything. They also told me that unfortunately there isnt a lot they can do to help me with the loneliness issues, and any self-esteem or self-worth things i have going on, well, they dont really see where any of it could stem from. They think i'm fantastic. But you're parents are supposed to think that right ?
So there you be - i had my breakdown that, lets face it, we all knew was coming. Nothing much really has come of it, except for a few days afterwards i felt a little lighter because i had managed to get something out. But that feeling of emancipation hasnt exactly lasted long - i've had bad days since then, and have an almost constant feeling of " blah ". By that i mean that i have almost no motivation to do anything, or at least anything important. I havent eaten properly in at least three weeks because i cant bring myself to cook anything ( i've been eating fruit or making toast, or buying takeaway, and yep, i know thats not healthy ).I have a few ideas running around in my head but no drive to make any of it happen. Not that any of the ideas themselves are important on a world scale but they would at least give me something to work on. And the stupid thing is i know that i have no motivation, i'm disgusted by the fact that i would really like to get out and go for a walk, or do 50 sit ups, or even fold my basket of washing, but i have no inner feeling pushing me to do anything other than lie on the lounge and watch the cricket. It makes me sick. It makes me think i need to be back on medication, or in counselling, or at least reaching out to someone and asking for help but i dont want to admit defeat.
The other thing that has come of the shit hitting the fan is that i have decided, after me originally suggesting it jokingly a few months ago and then having my parents bring it up for real, is that my sister is going to move in with me when she gets her drivers licence. I am both happy and apprehensive about this. On the one hand it will mean that i have a room mate, that i wont be coming home to an empty house, and that will be nice. Plus, i'll have better finances because she'll be paying half the rent and bills, so more money is a nice incentive. But on the other hand, my 17 year old sister is almost the complete opposite of me. Dont get me wrong, for siblings we get on really well, i'm not worried about that. What i mean is that she's a beautiful girl, popular, has all the self-confidence in the world, and the people to go along with it. What i'm worried about is her inviting friends over at the weekends, or the new boyfriend she seems to chop and change every month or less, and me looking like the sad older sister who has a sibling for a room-mate because she has nobody else.Of being the sad old spinster who always seem to be sitting around Erin's house, doing nothing, with no-one.I dont want to be that.
And thats it for now. I was thinking i would make a post with my favourite stuff for the year, like movies and music and world events. I've been meaning to do it for a few days now but, strangely, i havent been able to muster up the motivation...
See thing is, just after my last post in december, which was relatively sunny in comparison to the other recent posts, i had a nice little meltdown. Not exactly on a Britney Spears kind of scale, but big enough for me to take notice and need to take a step back. I'm talking a full blown panic attack, crying and thinking ( and hoping ) that i would die; strangely enough, the start of this panic attack happened in front of my parents and younger sister, at their house, which i fled in tears. I drove home, erratically mind you, and tried locking myself in my house in the dark but my mum kept calling and calling and within 20 minutes or so they had turned up at my place, trying to help. And they did a little, in that instance anyway - i still kept crying, stopping and starting, still struggling to draw breath at some points but they managed to calm me down and talk me through what was plaguing me at that particular moment. Apparently my parents are a lot smarter than i thought - they told me they'd noticed that i'm lonely, that my behaviour had been more depressed and nonchalant lately, that a lot of the time it appeared like i really didnt care about anything. They also told me that unfortunately there isnt a lot they can do to help me with the loneliness issues, and any self-esteem or self-worth things i have going on, well, they dont really see where any of it could stem from. They think i'm fantastic. But you're parents are supposed to think that right ?
So there you be - i had my breakdown that, lets face it, we all knew was coming. Nothing much really has come of it, except for a few days afterwards i felt a little lighter because i had managed to get something out. But that feeling of emancipation hasnt exactly lasted long - i've had bad days since then, and have an almost constant feeling of " blah ". By that i mean that i have almost no motivation to do anything, or at least anything important. I havent eaten properly in at least three weeks because i cant bring myself to cook anything ( i've been eating fruit or making toast, or buying takeaway, and yep, i know thats not healthy ).I have a few ideas running around in my head but no drive to make any of it happen. Not that any of the ideas themselves are important on a world scale but they would at least give me something to work on. And the stupid thing is i know that i have no motivation, i'm disgusted by the fact that i would really like to get out and go for a walk, or do 50 sit ups, or even fold my basket of washing, but i have no inner feeling pushing me to do anything other than lie on the lounge and watch the cricket. It makes me sick. It makes me think i need to be back on medication, or in counselling, or at least reaching out to someone and asking for help but i dont want to admit defeat.
The other thing that has come of the shit hitting the fan is that i have decided, after me originally suggesting it jokingly a few months ago and then having my parents bring it up for real, is that my sister is going to move in with me when she gets her drivers licence. I am both happy and apprehensive about this. On the one hand it will mean that i have a room mate, that i wont be coming home to an empty house, and that will be nice. Plus, i'll have better finances because she'll be paying half the rent and bills, so more money is a nice incentive. But on the other hand, my 17 year old sister is almost the complete opposite of me. Dont get me wrong, for siblings we get on really well, i'm not worried about that. What i mean is that she's a beautiful girl, popular, has all the self-confidence in the world, and the people to go along with it. What i'm worried about is her inviting friends over at the weekends, or the new boyfriend she seems to chop and change every month or less, and me looking like the sad older sister who has a sibling for a room-mate because she has nobody else.Of being the sad old spinster who always seem to be sitting around Erin's house, doing nothing, with no-one.I dont want to be that.
And thats it for now. I was thinking i would make a post with my favourite stuff for the year, like movies and music and world events. I've been meaning to do it for a few days now but, strangely, i havent been able to muster up the motivation...
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