Sunday, January 6, 2008

Stop searching the obituaries, i havent died...

Nor have i fallen off the face of the planet, or moved underground to live with the mole people. I merely decided that i needed to take a complete break from blogging, just for a little while, because if i cant escape the confines of my own mind i can at least escape from putting them to print. You would think that getting thoughts and feelings out would do a person some good, would at least get things off my chest, and in some part it does, but it also lets you read and re-read things that perhaps you'd rather not live through again. But never mind that, here i am, alive and sort of well, at least today.

See thing is, just after my last post in december, which was relatively sunny in comparison to the other recent posts, i had a nice little meltdown. Not exactly on a Britney Spears kind of scale, but big enough for me to take notice and need to take a step back. I'm talking a full blown panic attack, crying and thinking ( and hoping ) that i would die; strangely enough, the start of this panic attack happened in front of my parents and younger sister, at their house, which i fled in tears. I drove home, erratically mind you, and tried locking myself in my house in the dark but my mum kept calling and calling and within 20 minutes or so they had turned up at my place, trying to help. And they did a little, in that instance anyway - i still kept crying, stopping and starting, still struggling to draw breath at some points but they managed to calm me down and talk me through what was plaguing me at that particular moment. Apparently my parents are a lot smarter than i thought - they told me they'd noticed that i'm lonely, that my behaviour had been more depressed and nonchalant lately, that a lot of the time it appeared like i really didnt care about anything. They also told me that unfortunately there isnt a lot they can do to help me with the loneliness issues, and any self-esteem or self-worth things i have going on, well, they dont really see where any of it could stem from. They think i'm fantastic. But you're parents are supposed to think that right ?

So there you be - i had my breakdown that, lets face it, we all knew was coming. Nothing much really has come of it, except for a few days afterwards i felt a little lighter because i had managed to get something out. But that feeling of emancipation hasnt exactly lasted long - i've had bad days since then, and have an almost constant feeling of " blah ". By that i mean that i have almost no motivation to do anything, or at least anything important. I havent eaten properly in at least three weeks because i cant bring myself to cook anything ( i've been eating fruit or making toast, or buying takeaway, and yep, i know thats not healthy ).I have a few ideas running around in my head but no drive to make any of it happen. Not that any of the ideas themselves are important on a world scale but they would at least give me something to work on. And the stupid thing is i know that i have no motivation, i'm disgusted by the fact that i would really like to get out and go for a walk, or do 50 sit ups, or even fold my basket of washing, but i have no inner feeling pushing me to do anything other than lie on the lounge and watch the cricket. It makes me sick. It makes me think i need to be back on medication, or in counselling, or at least reaching out to someone and asking for help but i dont want to admit defeat.

The other thing that has come of the shit hitting the fan is that i have decided, after me originally suggesting it jokingly a few months ago and then having my parents bring it up for real, is that my sister is going to move in with me when she gets her drivers licence. I am both happy and apprehensive about this. On the one hand it will mean that i have a room mate, that i wont be coming home to an empty house, and that will be nice. Plus, i'll have better finances because she'll be paying half the rent and bills, so more money is a nice incentive. But on the other hand, my 17 year old sister is almost the complete opposite of me. Dont get me wrong, for siblings we get on really well, i'm not worried about that. What i mean is that she's a beautiful girl, popular, has all the self-confidence in the world, and the people to go along with it. What i'm worried about is her inviting friends over at the weekends, or the new boyfriend she seems to chop and change every month or less, and me looking like the sad older sister who has a sibling for a room-mate because she has nobody else.Of being the sad old spinster who always seem to be sitting around Erin's house, doing nothing, with no-one.I dont want to be that.

And thats it for now. I was thinking i would make a post with my favourite stuff for the year, like movies and music and world events. I've been meaning to do it for a few days now but, strangely, i havent been able to muster up the motivation...


  1. I WANT to tell you supportive things and feel good things. But it seems from our conversation last night that you won't hear any of it anyway.

    Amy, you are a very interesting person and worth lots more than other losers out there. YOu just need to see it

  2. Two words for you SvD - thank you.

  3. I WANT to talk to you! I won't help but I am aching at the thought of so much pain.