Monday, March 3, 2008

Some things lost can never be recovered....

It was my best friends Hen's party this past Saturday. For those of you who arent aware, i am chief bridesmaid at her wedding and so it fell to me to organise her last night as a free woman . I was more than happy to do it - i wanted her to have something fun, and informal without being classless and tacky. I got the invite list from the bride and then designed the invitations, had them printed and then had them sent out. I organised for us to have dinner on a private balcony at a nice pizza resturant. I organised the menu for the evening, even down to what time we wanted food to come out. I organised some decorations for the tables, and came up with a list of " challenges " for the rest of the night that would be fun without being too dirty or embarrassing. I tried to take all the invitees ages and different personalities into consideration, but most of all i just wanted a night that my best friend would enjoy. And, i'm happy to say, she did. She got to sit around chatting with her girlfriends over some nice food. She got to take her mum out dancing. She got to touch some random guys abs and get congratulatory kisses off cute strangers. She got to her enjoy her night. I, however, did not.

My night was ruined by one of the other invitees. I am, frankly, kind of peeved that i let someone else ruin it for me when i had put so much hard work into organising, when i had invested so much of my time and love and pride into it. That being said, i dont get mad very often, so for me to be so annoyed at this person and her behaviour means it must have struck a deep chord in me somewhere.

The night had been going really well - we'd been chatted up by quite a few young blokes, knowing we were on a hens party, and we'd had a few drinks and few laughs. We were at our third and last pub of the night and we'd been there quite a long time. This particular girl hadnt been seen by us for a quite a while - we knew she was off dancing with some of her other friends but that was cool because we were enjoying ourselves and, quite honestly, this girl is a sister of one of the other bridesmaids and i think she was really only invited because the bride knew she would be out anyway and it might be nice to formally include her. She wasnt on the original invite list, and was only invited by verbal invitation a week before the actual event. Not that that should matter but, somehow, to me, it does.

Anyhoo, 5 of us had been dancing for quite a while on a very crowded dancefloor and sick of copping elbows and with tiring feet, we decided to sit down for a while. This included the bride-to-be and her mother. In fact it was the bride-to-be who suggested a rest. We wander off the dancefloor and around into another area of the bar where we found one of the missing bridesmaids chatting away to a mutual guy friend of ours. She'd been missing for at least a half hour but, like i said, we were all enjoying ourselves so it didnt matter if one or another of us wandered off for a while. We all took a seat, and the bride-to-be and aforementioned missing bridesmaid excused themselves to go to the bathroom. Good, good, no worries - off they went, in a pair, as women do. The rest of us got down to small chat, introducing two of teh girls to the guy friend, asking where do you live? What do you do ? All that kind of stuff. Out of nowhere, the invitee who has so offended me - for the purposes of storytelling, lets call her Mary - comes walking over and, counting us, goes " One, two , three, four, all of you get your butts up and dance ". I looked up at her and in a mock tired kind of voice went , " aww, no Mary. Come on, we're resting for a while ". Here's how the rest of the conversation went ( not verbatim but pretty close to it ):

Mary: " I said get up and dance. The bride and my sister have said we're all going to dance, so get up ".
Me: " No Mary, the bride was the one that just asked to sit down. Give us a minute ".
Mary: " Don't you tell me no. Get the fuck up ".
Me ( kind of shocked now ) : " No, Mary. No! "
Mary: " Dont you tell me fucking no - the bride and my sister are more important than the rest of you so when they say they want to dance, you'll do as i fucking say. Now all of you get your fucking arses up and get on the fucking dance floor! "
Me ( quite disgusted by now - by saying " all of you " she has now included the brides mother in her tirade ) - " Excuse me ? You dont speak to me like that. When the bride wants to dance, she'll come and ask us. So no, we arent going to dance right now ".
Mary ( now down in my face, wagging her finger at me ) - " Fuck you! I'll speak to you how i want! Don't you ever fucking come to me with your fucking problems again! "

....and off she stalked. Not only was i taken aback by her language and the fact that this explosion had come out of nowhere, but i was baffled but the " problems " comment. Not once in my entire 24 years of living have i ever spoken to this particular girl regarding any problems i may ever have had. For God's sake - i suffered depression for 6 years and i doubt she even has any idea bout that. If she does, its second hand knowledge from her sister at best. It quite insulted me that she would presume that she is SO important in my stratosphere. What also insulted and upset me is that she had the nerve to go off at me, the one who spent quite a bit of time trying to make sure everyone was happy, for apparently lacking in concern for what the bride wanted. Especially seeing as she was a last minute invite, meaning she cant be super important in the brides stratosphere either.

She stalked off, leaving me inwardly fuming, two other girls and the brides mother gobsmacked, and our guy friend trying to apologise for Mary's behaviour. " Does she always do this ? " was the question from the brides mother. Not always, but she had done something similar to me before, only that time she pushed me into a wall and that time i was too drunk to really care. This time i wasnt - i was sober and lucid enough to be both mad, upset and ashamed that someone had acted that way in front of the brides mum. Absolutely disgraceful. So the bride and Mary's sister come back and there's some obvious tension in the circle. They ask us to go dance but all of us insist, no, lets just rest. It's blatantly obvious to the bride that something happened so i mention it - Mary's sister is not drunk, but " happy " enough that she just shrugs it off. At this point i cant stand to be there anymore so i make my apologies to the bride, my best friend, and to her mother and leave.

The next day i am talking to my friend, Mary's sister, and am trying to broach the subject without sounding like a whinger or like i am trying to cause trouble. Being a text message conversation she says " ha, ha, well i can see two sides to it. Some people are just more emotional than others ". This also comes as a slap in the face - " ha ha " ? Its not funny - i dont find being sworn at and insulted for no obvious or valid reason funny at all. She says she didnt say it was funny, but isnt that what " ha ha " would imply ? Now, this afternoon, two days after the incident, Mary's sister send me a text message saying , verbatim : " If you want to call someone a slut how long do you think it takes to come back to them ? ". Confused, i replied that i didnt know, and who had said that about her? Turns out, apparently that it was me - i've apparently been calling Mary a slut behind her back for weeks now. This time, i was gobsmacked - is she serious? Firstly, why would i say that ? Secondly, who would i say it to ? I am notorious for not having a large group of friends and i have no mutual friends with Mary at all. I tell her sister this, and she says that if i say i didnt say it, then fine.

But you know what? Its not fine. Not at all. It is not enough that i have been accused, by God knows who, of talking about people behind their back, of insulting them, but that a girl that has known me for 17 years needs to ask if its true. I asked her who this rumour had come from and she wouldnt say, only to say that it was someone that knew both she and Mary, but that they dont know me. What the fuck ? So the story that i am calling someone a slut is coming from someone who doesnt even know me? Does that make any sense at all ? God knows what i did to this person, or persons, or whatever, to deserve to have my name dragged in the mud. This is not the most of the point - what is the point, the part that has now further compounded my anger and hurt, is that a friend who has known me for 17 years, since the first grade, needs to check if its true. She needs to ask if i had said it. I appreciate that she would be stuck in the middle however, if after 17 years she still needs to check, then she has suprisingly little idea of what kind of person i am.

In my entire life i have never willingly, malevolently, talked about someone behind their back - not even someone i dislike, let alone someone that i may have counted as a friend. It is not in my nature, nor has it ever been. So for her to feel the need to question it , even just for " peace of mind " as she put it, means she is questioning me as a person. What kind of person i am. And that is not good enough. That is hurtful.

I'm a very loyal person - loyality in friendships and relationships is almost the quality, the value, that i hold dearest to my heart. I am very loyal, and feirce in that loyalty. I am honest in my friendships and the very few close friends that i have i imagined i would have for life. That being said, because i invest so much in those relationships, if you mis-use or abuse my investment, my trust, it is extremely hard to get it back.

I'm afraid if Mary doesnt apologise, her friendship, which was purely casual to begin with, becomes null and void. At best, she goes back to being an acquaintance . But her sister ? If the friend i have had for 17 years cant accept or understand why i am so upset with HER and cant explain to me why she would question me like that except that it was to give her peace of mind well - perhaps we still remain friends but she falls very far in my estimation of what a " close " friend is, and the friendship will never be the same again.


  1. Mary's a cannibal.

    You're too gentle a soul for these hardcore villians.

    I'm giving you a warm cyber hug now.

    Chin up, Amy, the important people love you. :)

  2. Aww, thanks for the cyber lovin' Richard.

    Having re-read my post i know it sounds overly dramatic and intense, like i'm being a drama queen or something, but its the principle of the thing, you know?

  3. headbutt the vultures and leave them to each other to pick out their eyes