In The Loop

One of my favourite things about social media is the sense of community that is created between people who, without the aid of the internet, would never have met. It allows you to connect with people you would never have otherwise run into, to create, to laugh and cry, to generally share with them in a way that creates a sense of belonging. That always seemed to be what i was missing when i suffering from depression - a feeling of belonging, to "fitting in " anywhere, and a morbid fear that i never would. And then i discovered the internet and found that there were lots of people who shared the same ideas as me, who liked the same things, and had the same passion for discussing/debating them as i did - they just, somewhat, unfortunately didnt live anywhere near me.

Just one of the group....

I thinks thats what i was hoping for so badly from my mothers group - to have a group of people who were tangibly " there ", women i could actually hang out with and feel like a part of. Sadly, as i have previously mentioned, it didnt exactly happen that way. ( Happily though i have made what i would consider one good friend ). Thats why i've been so happy to be able to join a group of women on Facebook and feel this great kinship with them with this pregnancy. Its a " secret " group - that is you cant see it listed on each individuals homepage, to protect the privacy of those who havent revealed their pregnancies yet - that was started via the Babycentre website. Basically its a group of ladies who are all due to have babies in August of this year ( or late July, for a few who's dates have changed ) - first timers, women who've been TTC for years, a few having twins and even one mum up to her 7th bubba! And the sense of camaraderie amongst us makes me happy, for lack of a better word. The atmosphere is comfortable enough to ask pretty much anything, from the TMI topics such as constipation or nipple discharge right down to mundane stuff like " Whats on everyone's menu for lunch ? ".

The only downside is ( as per bloody usual! ) none of the other lovely ladies live anywhere near me. So, like all the awesome blog conferences or Hello Blogger meet ups i've missed out on, i'm now missing out on cool lunches or pamper sessions with some hot mamas-to-be! But thats ok, because for now i've got a place to hang out, chit-chat about " The Biggest Loser " and post baby bump pictures, where i feel like i belong...

Taking It - And Leaving It

We're coming to the pointy end of the year where, aside from all the organisation and chaos of Christmas, we start to ponder what direction we'd like our lives to take in the New Year. What changes we need to make, what roads we need to follow, and what things need to be crossed off our lists. And this time around i'm thinking its not necessarily things that need to be crossed off my list, but people.

Sooooooooooo toxic...

Since " breaking up " with my best friend last year, i've had a lot of thinking to do on the subject of platonic relationships, on the types of people we need to surround us. And after the little mothers group Christmas party we attended yesterday, i've come to the realisation that as much as i wanted great friendships to develop for me within this particular group, they really havent ( aside from one - i'm so happy to have found a great friend for myself, and a great playmate for Flynn ). And i've also realised that if those friendships dont really exist, that if the relationship between myself and another person or people is even kind of toxic.... well, there is no point in continuing with it, is there? There is no point in keeping people around for their numbers, for being able to say " I have this many friends! ", if they arent the kind of friends that make you feel good about yourself, about your life, and your place in the world.

Without going into details, lets just say i felt totally gutted by the whole situation yesterday afternoon. We had our little do in the morning, at which i felt isolated, left out of the clique that seems to have sprung up between other mums , and frusturated that certain kinds behaviour is allowed from some children when i expect better of my own child ( yes, THAT old chestnut ). By mid afternoon i felt a huge knot of frusturation/anger/disappointment/resentment in the pit of my stomach and i hated that. I hated that i felt that way.

And then.... i realised i dont HAVE to feel like that. I can take myself out of the situations that constantly disappoint me, i can cut the interaction with those people down to the absolute bare minimum. I can enrich my life, not through the number of friendships i had hoped to gain, but by not subjecting myself to the toxic "friendships " that i ended up with. I can put my energy ( and my heart ) into the relationships i already have, i can i take the opportunities for new friendship when they come to me, instead of willing for them to happen in the wrong places, with the wrong people. And i can feel contented and enriched by what i do have, and use that to fuel further happiness in my life.

What about you? Do you feel the same compulsion as I did to say you've got a huge number of friends, or have you realised that its quality rather than quantity?

Sabotage

I feel like i'm being my own worst enemy lately. Sabotaging myself. Let me give you an example:
I was invited to a 30th birthday party for one of the mums from my mothers group, this past Saturday night. I decided not to go. Why? Because they had forgotten to tell me and one other mum the plans for the weeks meet up until 2 hrs before the actual get-together and i felt like an outsider; and because if i went alone ( Mick wasnt feeling well ) and i was excluded how hurt would i be? I just wasnt willing to put myself out there, and on Saturday night, i thought that was the best decision. Now? I'm not so sure.

" Sabotage " by the Beasty Boys - now thats funky...

I dont think its any secret that i have trust issues, and after the whole being "defriended " affair of late last year, i dont see these issues dissipating anytime soon. In fact, they've only gotten worse. I was thinking about it the other morning ( in the shower mind you, because its about the only alone time i get... ) and i think i definately sabotaged myself Saturday night. I talked myself out of going because of what i imagined would happen. Truth be told, i would probably have known at least half a dozen women there, and i would have had a really great time. But in my head, i couldnt put myself out there and trust that it would all work out. I.Just.Couldn't.Do.IT.

If i put myself out there again, and try and trust someone, to know the real me, to become a proper friend.... i run the risk of being dumped. Again. I dont know, right now, whether i'm willing to put myself through this again....

Pricked Again

Well - its over.

My ( now former ) best friend found my blog and didnt like what she read. She wasnt happy at what i had assumed about her husband, and i guess i cant blame her - it was an assumption after all. ( And, as we sadly know, retrospect is both a blessing and a curse ). But after months of being ignored by him ( and her aswell ) or, at the very least, getting the simplest of civil " hello's " i dont know what else i was supposed to think. Generally when someone does not speak to you, or speaks to you only because they feel obligated to, it means they dont actually like you. At least, thats my experience. Apparently her husband had nothing but the highest regards for Mick but, again, i didnt hear anything about it until too late. If he, or she, had made these apparent positive feelings known to me, I would never have had the chance to assume the worst ( as an over-active mind is want to do ).

I received any email from my friend yesterday morning, telling me how arrogant and nasty and horrible a person i am, how insecure I am in myself and my relationship, how hypocritical and judgemental and full of myself i am, and detailing every perceived slight against her dating back to high school. She berated me for confiding my feelings in my blog and not giving her husband a chance to defend himself, yet in the same breath brings up every " bad " thing i have ever done in the time she has known me, some of which i was not even aware of - which gives me no chance to defend myself. She said that we no longer have anything in common, that neither of us cares anymore, and that we're holding onto nothing. This may be true on her part but if i didnt care, would i have felt passionately enough to have let my feelings out? If i didnt care anymore i would have been happy to just see less and less of her until years down the track we realised we were no longer in each others lives. I did care, and i thought, after last years debacle, that there was still something to hold onto. She herself said so in an email back then - that we could both try and we'd only grow closer. Truth is, i was the only one who tried.

After our falling out when i announced my pregnancy, things were rough. We communicated gingerly, but when she herself fell pregnant she contacted me, elated and excited. I thought things were going to be great but i was always the instigator of any contact from that point. I would text her to see how her pregnancy was, email to see how she was feeling; when i was going into labour she was the second person i called ( after my mum ) because i wanted to share that crazy/scary moment with my best friend; i found out her daughter was born by a generic text message she sent to all her contacts ( unlike her however, i took no offence to texting ). When our babies were small i would be the one to text and see how she was getting on, and suggest a catch up - i cant recall once when she asked me without being prompted first. Over the past 8 months she has increasingly ignored me, via email and Facebook ( i commented on her status, and she would reply to everyone but me, and would never comment on my status except to hit the " Like " button ). Finally, this alienation became too much for me and i had my bloggy tizzy fit.

And now - we're over. She has said so in her email and, just to make it official, she has defriended me on Facebook - the ultimate in modern " fuck you "s. I replied to her missive, but dont expect a reply in return. And so, in the next few months, leading up to Christmas and my sons first birthday, and in planning my wedding - i will miss her. I will see her at the mall and wonder whether i should give a polite nod " hello "; i will see her driving around town and wonder where she is going; I will see that a mutual friend has commented on her Facebook status and wonder what she has written. I will wait and see if any other friendships falter, and wonder if she has told these other friends just how she feels about me. I will watch my son grow and wonder how her daughter is doing, whether we are experiencing the same mummy rites of passage. I will miss her.

But i will take this in my stride, learn from my mistakes, and know that i will grow to be a better person without the sadness and alienation and hurt she has slowly forced upon over the last year. I will live, and i will learn to trust in friends again. And i will continue to be me, the REAL me, and know that hiding my truth so as not be hated or judged ( as i felt i would be ) is just not worth my time, nor the heartbreak it will inevitably bring....

The Making of Me : A 10 Year Retrospective

Just so we're clear, this meme was originally started by Sheena and even though i wasnt officially tagged i've decided to do it anyway. Basically its a quick rundown summarising the last 10 years of my life. And so, seeing as i'm 24 this year, we start way back in 1998, at the tender age of 14....

1998 ( 14 yrs ) - If i remember correctly, this is the year where i first started to feel a little dark inside. Not that i want to make out everything was doom and gloom, but it was around this time i first started to listen to those self-loathing thoughts in my head. It was also the year i got my first mobile phone and we had internet on our home computer for the first time. And so started my addiction to the Inter-Web.

1999 ( 15 yrs ) - The tenth grade of high school. This is where things started to become serious - important end-of-year exams, getting to invited to parties was almost the be all and end all, and friendships were tested. I got drunk for the first time ( on Stolichnaya Lemon Ruskies .... so old school ) at my friends Brads birthday party. I felt ridiculously cool but was terrified of my dad busting me. Thankfully he didnt and i spent quite a few parties that year ( and all the years following ) getting my drink on. Also, despite being released the previous year, this is the year i started my love affair with " Dizzy Up The Girl " by The Goo Goo Dolls - to this day, one of my top 5 favourite albums.

2000 ( 16 yrs ) - I wrote a lot of poetry this year. You know, the world-sucks, i-wish -i -were-dead, emo kid kind of poetry. I carried a notebook of poetry in my school bag, so that everytime i was upset, angry or plain old bored i could write. Words have managed to sustain me, in some form or another, ever since then. The memory of good times that sticks out in my mind is from my two day biology camp. I sang - the one and only time that i have ever had the guts to sing by myself, in front of other people. What did i sing ? " Slide " by the Goo Goo Dolls.

2001 ( 17 yrs ) - Final year of high school baby! Thank the freaking Lord, because by this point in precedings i was well and truely sick of the place. I loved getting to hang out with my friends, i enjoyed being able to debate intellectually in class discussions, i even enjoyed some of the assignments I had to do - i just hated the institution. I disliked most of the teachers and thoughi dont have a huge problem with authority, I hated being told what to do by people who were, quite frankly, total douches. I hated my English teacher and i'm pretty sure he hated me too. Two months before end of year exams, i walked out of his class never went back. Screw you sucka! The only good thing about gthe final year of high school was the end of it - that is, our Year 12 Formal ( thats a Senior Prom, for you North Americans ). My Formal was pretty ace. The graduating song we chose ? " Higher " by Creed - yep, we rocked much.

2002 ( 18 yrs ) - No more school meant starting work. I've never been to university, not because i'm stupid or lazy, but because i had ( and still have ) no solid idea what i wanted to do with my life. I also did not have the money to waste on some random course that i might drop after a semester or two. So i got a job working retail and tried to save some money. It was in the first few months of this that i was officially diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder. I had to watch one of those horrid public service type videos- you know, like if my life were the Simpsons, the film would have starred Troy McClure . Hi, I'm Troy McClure, and you may remember me from such films as " So You're Having a Mental Breakdown! " or " Parties? Who Needs Them ? " ...... I had to break the news to my family and my immediate bosses at work that i was, ahem, " mentally ill ", and started a course of cognitive behavioural therapy with a counsellor. In short, this year was not my best.

2003 ( 19 yrs ) - All that counselling was doing me some good. I wasnt cured and i was still on meds, but I started to develop interests again ( beyond napping - i'll always be interested in that ). I started thinking about a possible career path and i thought i might enjoy working with kids. I started volunteering at my old primary school on my days off, working as a reading tutor with the kindergarten kids. I did that till 11am, and then in the afternoons i'd do a volunteer shift at a childcare centre, just helping out. I enjoyed it, but i still wasnt ready to make a career commitment. I kept working retail and basically just concentrated on getting mentally healthy. It was hard with my best friend moving away this year, but i managed to stay alive.

2004 ( 20 yrs ) - I'd always wanted to go overseas and this year was the year to make it a reality. I figured that because i didnt have the money to just holiday, i could work for my trip. I applied for a position as a camp counsellor and, after many months of waiting, was knocked back because i only had experience with kids under the age of 7. Once upon a time, this news would have knocked me on my arse, but I decided to keep on trying. This proved to be the best decision I ever made - this time i applied to work as an Au Pair in the USA, and was accepted by a family living in New Jersey. I packed up my shit and moved to the US in early November.

2005 ( 21 yrs ) - 2005 started in Times Square, New York City. Fabulous start to a fabulous year, i'd say. I learnt a lot about myself, and who i had the potential to be, whilst living overseas. I loved my family - my three boys, M, T and H - and i made friends with some gorgeous girls from all over the world. I did a four day trek through the Andes to Machu Picchu in Peru ( where i was possessed by mountain spirits - long story.... ) and tested my mental and physical toughness; i went to DisneyWorld on my own and got to skip to the front of the lines; I did 4th of July at South Street Seaport, Rosh Hashanah in Conneticut and Halloween in my local neighbourhood. I joined a gym and fell into being a gym junkie, losing 10 kgs ( about 25lbs ). I returned to Australia a new person, and to be greeted by a new person ( my neice, D.O.B 18.11.05 ). 2005 was a good year, perhaps the best thus far.

2006 ( 22yrs ) - I started the new year with a new job and a new outlook. The previous year had proved i didnt have to live under my bed covers, that if thrown in the deep end i did, indeed, have the ability to swim. I started hitting the pub every weekend, not drinking ( again, anotyher long story ) but just dancing and living it up. I lived for Saturday nights and Sunday morning sleep ins.I definately looked good and i had never felt better.I had a brief relationship with a guy a year younger than me. He was, sadly, so immature that it eventually felt like dating my younger brother, and i broke it off. This was also the year that i i lost my blog virginity. I didnt write poetry much anymore, and an old school journal was just, well, so old school. My bloga attracted the readership of two awesome internet buddies, both still readers now, and our three way conversations became the stuff of legend. By the time Christmas rolled around, i was completely addicted to blogging and had already been to meet with one of my other readers. I'd like to say it wasnt an excuse for a dirty weekend, but that would be a lie :)

2007 ( 23 yrs ) - Ah, the year of living dangerously. Well not technically dangerously, its not like i was running with a gang or anything, i just lot a lot of my old inhibitions. Yes, in THAT way too ( perverts ). I become a fan of local rugby players, and a fan of drunken midnight texts. I maintained my internet buddies friendships and even got the pleasure of meeting up with one of them. Last year felt like a golden year, save for a few small mistakes - things i said but didnt really mean, things i should have said but didnt, things i missed and things i really wish i hadnt have been there for. Most of 2007 was an adventure of sorts, thats for sure....

2008 ( 24 yrs ) - Which brings us to present day Amy. This year has had its ups and downs. Finishing my optical dispensing course = UP. The Mary Incident = DOWN. My best friends wedding and subsequent joy = UP. Slipping back into depression and having to see a pyschiatrist again = DOWN. Getting a payrise = UP. NOt hitting the town for a record 6 months straight = DOWN. Waiting to be an aunty for the second time = UP.

With two months left to go, who knows what could be in store ?

Meditating on friends, family and, uh.... meditation.

Ommmm #1: My mother and I went to a free meditation course on Saturday morning. Although its something I'm into, I really only went as moral support for my mum. Frankly, I'm not sure whether i enjoyed it or not, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going back. Now, I'm a pretty hippy-dippy person but this, this was a bit much. Firstly, it was recommended that when meditating at home you set up a candle next to a picture of the meditations teacher. Nope , not for me - thats like setting someone up as a God or a guru, and i dont do that. Secondly, when meditating you were supposed to be focusing on the divine feminine energy , or kundalini, within us all. Rather than quietly, inwardly, wordlessly focusing, we were supposed to be inwardly repeating affirmations, such as " Mother Kundalini, am i the spirit ? Mother Kundalini, I am the spirit ". See, once you give something a name and begin talking to it, its too much like praying for me. If there is one thing i dont do, its pray. So i think its safe to say that the mediation session was not for me. Which is not to say meditation itself is not for, just not this particular style.

Ommmm #2: My brother is so funny when he's pissy. He came round for dinner last night after having been at a bbq at a mates place all afternoon, and he'd had enough beer that he was in the state of " happiness " where you talk really fast, and you're face is kind of flushed and you find stuff really funny. We were playing a general knowledge trivia game and he's just blurting out the answers regardless of whether it was his turn or not. They werent the right answers, mind you - thats what made it funny. I think it might have answered maybe three questions correctly the whole game, but he never made it past the third square on the board. He kept landing on the " Move back three spaces " square, and having to go back to the start, every time expressing his mock disgust and saying how much this game sucked and we were all cheaters - and then bursting into laughter. Stupid, stupid, drunk child.

Ommmm #3: My two and half year old neice called me her " beautiful girl ". As in " Bye Aunty Amy, my beautiful girl! " Awwwwwwwwwww. Someone loves me.

Ommmmm #4: Remember the debacle with Mary and her sister? Her sister who was one of my best friends and that i felt completely betrayed by, to the point where I questioned the existence of the relationship in the future ? Yea, well I've hardly heard from her since she moved towns. She's been back a handful of times and she's promised each time " Hey, I'll come round and see you! ". And, each time, there has been an excuse and she hasnt shown up. This weekend just gone she was supposed to be back in town and we were going to go out for drinks and dance and guess what ? I didnt hear from her. Not even an " Oh, I cant make it excuse " - i just flat out didnt hear from her at all. Whatevs.

Ommmm #5: Today is Monday and tonight was the first night in two weeks that I have been to the gym. Frankly, I missed it. I'd been dying of the lurgy for almost a full two weeks and was just too tired and run down to do anything other than lie on my lounge reading a magazine or watching the Olympics ( gold everywhere for the Australians today..... boo yeah! ), so i didnt bother wrecking myself at the gym. But i really did miss the routine of it, and I have to admit i felt absolutely freaking fantastic after my workout tonight.

Everyone knows a woman glows more after a good workout, covered in sweat and cheeks flushed.....

Just another Manic Monday

Oh oh woah, wish it were Sunday, Cos thats my fun day, my " i dont have to run day " ....


Blah di blah di blah, you know the rest. The point is it WAS Monday, and it WAS kind of manic, at least towards the end of the day. I think the combination of a lack of eyewear patients and a tad too much chocolate had my colleague and I a little hyper. Never mind that i'm 24 and she's almost 36, the last two hours of work went by in a haze of gossip, giggles and " Big Brother " updates. Yes, we're sad " Big Brother " addicts ( hey, there were two housemates from our town this year, both of whom i know as acquaintances, so i HAD to watch ) but we're also really compatible as workmates and friends. I think i've actually been kind of lucky like that - we're a little apart in age, and technically i'm the boss, but we're fine to call each other names or make jokes. Its a good work environment and, despite what it may sound like, we do get all our work done at the same time. We're women - we multi-task.

I also spent a good proprotion of the afternoon pulling stuff together for my upcoming conference. Tomrrow afternoon we fly down to Sydney for a one day conference, all the eyewear contingent from my company together. But seriously, how good is our management ? They chose to organise our conference for July 2nd, in Sydney which means - they're taking this all to State of Origin! Yay! Now if you're Australian, particularly from either NSW or Qld, you will know that this is a big thing. An important game. Pride rides on this ( especially as half the staff at the conference will be from Qld ). If you're not Australian its like the Super Bowl for Americans; or FA Cup final for and Brits; or the Springboks playing just about anyone in the Rugby World Cup final ( hello South Africans! ). I'm not ashamed to admit i'm excited - its no secret that i love rugby league, i've been raised on it, so attending this game is something i'm looking forward to.

So i'll be missing in action for next two-ish days. Nevermind the conference itself, the presentations, the discussions. I'm really only in it for the sport, and the company ( as in the people, not the business ). That being said though, if NSW lose, i will be crying into my breakfast come Thursday morning.....

Can i just ask why? Seriously - why ?

My sister, my flatmate, is away tonight, babysitting with a friend. She was away last night aswell, which means i have had the two weekend nights by myself with nothing to do. Last night was ok - i watched some trashy reality TV ( i know two people on the current rotation of Australian Big Brother! ), read a magazine, and generally just hung around by myself. But i didnt want to do that tonight. I didnt want to be stuck in the house, a 24 year old woman home alone doing absolutely nothing on a Saturday night. I knew that there was a local derby of rugby union on, last years installment of which i really enjoyed. But who was i going to go with ? I've got nobody - not just nobody interested in the rugby, but just flat out nobody. So you know what i did? I sucked it up. As the rugby boys would say, the cure for all your troubles is to take a cup of cement and harden the fuck up. So thats what i did - branched out, and i rocked up to the game on my own.



I didnt start out too badly. I found a few people that i know, not exactly friends but acquaintances, and ended up sitting next to a teenage boy who happens to be friends with my sister. He's a sweetheart - a real goose, but a sweetie. But then he had to rush off home and i was left sitting with these kind-of, sort-of friends, all of whom had other people there that they were more interested in talking to rather than me. But that was kind of ok too - i didnt really mind taking in the football whilst only getting the occasional one line of conversation from someone. It was going well. Sure, i still felt a little awkward, but it was better than being at home by myself.



But then Mary showed up, and i internally fell apart. You remember Mary right ? Yes, well in she trots with two of her friends, done up to the nines, completely inappropriately dressed for a rugby match. Yes, she is probably going out after the game and was saving herself some time by getting dressed for the evening before the game instead of after, but i digress. So she saunters on down, walking right past me as i was sitting in the aisle, and doesnt say a word. She smiles, and laughs, and sits next to a guy who i thought was a mutaul friend of ours. However, seeing as he also saw me, looked directly at me numerous times in fact, and also didnt say anything, i'm thinking maybe he is not my friend anymore. But, again i digress. I cant believe it. What was she doing there? The rugby is my thing, she's never even mentioned a slight interest in it before, and here she is on the night when i am trying to do myself a favour, showing up to " my " thing, looking better and happier and more confident than me.

Thats when i lost it, on the inside. It was going alright when it was just me, there, watching footy and just being with other people, regardless of lack of conversation. But now it was me, and the girl/woman who shattered part of me, and she was living it up. Suddenly i felt like i was completely alone in a crowd of people, people who loved Mary and thought i was a loser. At half time i made a quick escape, whilst the two acquaintances i was sitting near were having a smoke, so i wouldnt need to make an excuse for why i was leaving. I bought some dinner and headed to my parents place. I was in need of company and didnt i promise in an earlier post that i would make an effort, i would tell someone when i was upset or hurting? And guess what? They werent there. I pull up and let myself in to a dark, empty house.

Just like dark, empty me. So contrary to my best efforts, i have spent the last 3 hours of Saturday night lying on my lounge, under a blanket, willing myself not to cry and trying to turn my mind off.

Its not working....

The land of the free....

.... and the home of people i miss. Yes, i speak of the United States of America. Or, more specifically, of Summit, NJ. 07901. See, yesterday i received an email from my old host mum, completely out of the blue, and it really was a lovely suprise. I know i've been home for almost two and half years and still i find myself randomly missing my boys. And my surrogate dog, Miles. And my converted attic bedroom. You get the picture. The family i lived with, and worked for, the Mullers, just treated me so well that i really did get attached to them as a second family. I wasnt just the nanny, the au pair, the babysitter - i was like an older sister, or maybe a young aunt, somebody simultaneously authorative and responsible, yet fun and cool and a loved part of the family. I really did feel that way. And i really did love the boys - i know a lot of girls ( and guys, i suppose ) who work as nannies say they get attached to their charges, or conversely that they couldnt stand the little brats, but my boys were honestly fantastic. Sure, there were times that i wanted to wring their little necks, to cry and yell and throw a tantrum right back at them, but those times were few and far between. Most of the time it was just hanging out with some great kids.

But its not just the family i miss. I miss the place too - i lived a half an hours train ride from New York City and you would not believe how much i miss being able to just buy a ticket, take the trip, and instantly have something to do. Its really true that NYC is the city that never sleeps - i'm pretty sure you could find something to do, and someone to do it with, at any given moment of the day or night. Also, I miss the friends i made, only one of whom is still over there. Flavia was a Brazilian girl who originally worked as a nanny, did her year, went back to her home country and one of her charges missed her so much that he had to call her in Brazil every night before he went to bed. The host family asked her to come back as a combined nanny/university student and she accepted. Flavia was great . She helped show me the ropes, little insider tips, the best place to go for dinner with the other girls, and always invited me to parties at her boyfriends house ( insider tip for all of you - DO NOT drink home made Russian vodka that is being served to you by the Russians who homemade it. You WILL throw up.A LOT. ) As much as i love the very few friends i have here sometimes i just wish i could be back in Flavia and Tomas's tiny living room, eating Brazilian party food and hanging with the all the other non-Americans we knew.

But you know what i sometimes miss? Sometimes most of all ? Who i was over there. Or maybe who is not the right word - maybe i mean how i was. I was a different kind of me. Going to the US was the first major thing i had done post-depression. I had literally only been out of counselling and off medication for a few short months, so shipping myself off to another country, to a place where i knew not a soul, to start a job i had never really done before - well, it was really forcing myself to either sink or swim. And i think i swum. Awkwardly at first i suppose - it was more like a drunken dog paddle, like i was in there, i was making the effort, but it was hard. By the end of my stay however it was more like Olympic butterfly - still not overly easy, but i was in there making waves and loving every minute of it. I was the au pair all the new foreign girls came to. My area mentor, the women who looked after the welfare of all the girls would ring me and say " Amy, Olga/Celine/Kwame has just arrived from Russia/France/South Africa - why dont you give them a call and take them out for coffee ? " or " Amy, Ling/Rosita/Haley has just arrived from China/Mexico/England and i told them to give you a call. You're always so good for the new girls ". I loved that - i loved that i had turned from wallflower to the go-to-girl. I was proud. I want to be that again. I want to be that version of me again.

The Olympic butterflying go-to-girl. She was good.

I'm just thinking i might have to start out back at drunken dog paddle first....

You probably know who you are

So - i have been doing a bit of thinking the past few days. I know, i'm prone to thinking all the time, but i've been thinking on something in particular. I have recently - as in the past week - made a connection with a nice young guy who lives a whole tonne of hours away from me. He seems really sweet and certainly seems to think i'm pretty nice. I'm not just assuming this. He's told me, several times, even several times in one day, in the few days we have been chatting. He has my mobile number and i gave it to him on the condition that he only use it to text message me - which he has, repeatedly. Its not that i think he's a stalker or anything, he's just very enthusiastic. He sent me an email today in which, amongst other things, he mentioned that he has already imagined meeting me and maybe we could, eventually, be an " us ". I knew he thought a bit of me, but it was slightly confronting to be told he'd thought that much.

It was confronting because as much as it might be nice to be in a relationship, i cant be in one with someone who lives so far away. I cant do it. At one point i thought i could, and maybe sometime in the fuuture i could but as of right now its just not a possibility. I have realised that i cant indulge in an emotional relationship with someone if i cant have that person here to hug me; kiss me; hold me when i'm upset; spoon me as i sleep; or even just have plain old sex with. I have realised that having that emotional connection without the tangeability of the physical might just do my head in. Or my heart in, but for me thats all connected.

My problem is i have met some really great people over the internet and they always live so far away from me. There are three in particular that i appreciate beyond measure.

Let me put it like this : its like my life is a room. The first guy came into my life, not so long ago, when the room was dark, and he switched the light on. The room was basically still the same but i could see everything clearer - it wasnt so much different, just a better, more illuminated version of the room i always had, but didnt know was there. I'd never been able to see it in the dark. I loved him for it, and meant to tell him so, but got my words ( or meanings ) confused . After that, i dont so much think he switched the light off - more like the bulb blew and i havent gotten around to fixing it yet.

The second guy is slightly different. I've known him for a very long time and its only just recently that i've realised i love him very much. Its not so much that he switched a light on - rather, he's trying to get me to switch it on for myself. He always has, i see now - he's always told me i can get that ladder, get my arse up there and change that light bulb, all on my own. If i believe i can climb those few feet, everything will be lit up again, and it will all be of my own doing.

The third? Well, firstly she isnt a guy, And secondly, she doesnt quite fit into the whole " life is room " metaphor. If she did, she'd probably be one of the rooms i'd want next to mine, in the same house, one you could swap furnishings with or that would inspire you to re-decorate. Truth be told, she's the kind of gal every other gal would want as friend, thats why i love her too. I'd say we were faux lesbian lovers only i believe that whole fake girly infatuation thing may have been passed onto someone else for now :) .

So thats what i was thinking, that some of the people i appreciate most i havent actually met, or in one case i have but i dont know whether it will ever happen again. And the only reason i was thinking that is because someone wants to meet me, after only a few days. How can he even know me yet? Sure, its probably because he wants to know MORE about me, but 8 and half hours is a long way to come just for that. Perhaps after a few months, but if he confesses to having thought about it already, how patient will he be before it turns to misguided infatuation ?

Or worse - boredom and ultimate rejection ?

Friends

So no-one told you life was gonna be this way
Your jobs a joke, you're broke
Your love life's D.O.A
Seems like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your month
Or even your year and...
I'll be there for yoooooooooooooou......


I am now casting for a: Joey, Ross, Chandler and a Monica or a Rachel. I already have one of the girl ones, i just cant decide whether she is a Monica or a Rachel yet ( perhaps i should call her Ronica? Machel ? ) I'll be Phoebe and if someone could throw me a trendy inner city apartment, a cool job, and cute little coffee shop/cafe to hang out in everything should be all good from now on....

Some things lost can never be recovered....

It was my best friends Hen's party this past Saturday. For those of you who arent aware, i am chief bridesmaid at her wedding and so it fell to me to organise her last night as a free woman . I was more than happy to do it - i wanted her to have something fun, and informal without being classless and tacky. I got the invite list from the bride and then designed the invitations, had them printed and then had them sent out. I organised for us to have dinner on a private balcony at a nice pizza resturant. I organised the menu for the evening, even down to what time we wanted food to come out. I organised some decorations for the tables, and came up with a list of " challenges " for the rest of the night that would be fun without being too dirty or embarrassing. I tried to take all the invitees ages and different personalities into consideration, but most of all i just wanted a night that my best friend would enjoy. And, i'm happy to say, she did. She got to sit around chatting with her girlfriends over some nice food. She got to take her mum out dancing. She got to touch some random guys abs and get congratulatory kisses off cute strangers. She got to her enjoy her night. I, however, did not.

My night was ruined by one of the other invitees. I am, frankly, kind of peeved that i let someone else ruin it for me when i had put so much hard work into organising, when i had invested so much of my time and love and pride into it. That being said, i dont get mad very often, so for me to be so annoyed at this person and her behaviour means it must have struck a deep chord in me somewhere.

The night had been going really well - we'd been chatted up by quite a few young blokes, knowing we were on a hens party, and we'd had a few drinks and few laughs. We were at our third and last pub of the night and we'd been there quite a long time. This particular girl hadnt been seen by us for a quite a while - we knew she was off dancing with some of her other friends but that was cool because we were enjoying ourselves and, quite honestly, this girl is a sister of one of the other bridesmaids and i think she was really only invited because the bride knew she would be out anyway and it might be nice to formally include her. She wasnt on the original invite list, and was only invited by verbal invitation a week before the actual event. Not that that should matter but, somehow, to me, it does.

Anyhoo, 5 of us had been dancing for quite a while on a very crowded dancefloor and sick of copping elbows and with tiring feet, we decided to sit down for a while. This included the bride-to-be and her mother. In fact it was the bride-to-be who suggested a rest. We wander off the dancefloor and around into another area of the bar where we found one of the missing bridesmaids chatting away to a mutual guy friend of ours. She'd been missing for at least a half hour but, like i said, we were all enjoying ourselves so it didnt matter if one or another of us wandered off for a while. We all took a seat, and the bride-to-be and aforementioned missing bridesmaid excused themselves to go to the bathroom. Good, good, no worries - off they went, in a pair, as women do. The rest of us got down to small chat, introducing two of teh girls to the guy friend, asking where do you live? What do you do ? All that kind of stuff. Out of nowhere, the invitee who has so offended me - for the purposes of storytelling, lets call her Mary - comes walking over and, counting us, goes " One, two , three, four, all of you get your butts up and dance ". I looked up at her and in a mock tired kind of voice went , " aww, no Mary. Come on, we're resting for a while ". Here's how the rest of the conversation went ( not verbatim but pretty close to it ):

Mary: " I said get up and dance. The bride and my sister have said we're all going to dance, so get up ".
Me: " No Mary, the bride was the one that just asked to sit down. Give us a minute ".
Mary: " Don't you tell me no. Get the fuck up ".
Me ( kind of shocked now ) : " No, Mary. No! "
Mary: " Dont you tell me fucking no - the bride and my sister are more important than the rest of you so when they say they want to dance, you'll do as i fucking say. Now all of you get your fucking arses up and get on the fucking dance floor! "
Me ( quite disgusted by now - by saying " all of you " she has now included the brides mother in her tirade ) - " Excuse me ? You dont speak to me like that. When the bride wants to dance, she'll come and ask us. So no, we arent going to dance right now ".
Mary ( now down in my face, wagging her finger at me ) - " Fuck you! I'll speak to you how i want! Don't you ever fucking come to me with your fucking problems again! "

....and off she stalked. Not only was i taken aback by her language and the fact that this explosion had come out of nowhere, but i was baffled but the " problems " comment. Not once in my entire 24 years of living have i ever spoken to this particular girl regarding any problems i may ever have had. For God's sake - i suffered depression for 6 years and i doubt she even has any idea bout that. If she does, its second hand knowledge from her sister at best. It quite insulted me that she would presume that she is SO important in my stratosphere. What also insulted and upset me is that she had the nerve to go off at me, the one who spent quite a bit of time trying to make sure everyone was happy, for apparently lacking in concern for what the bride wanted. Especially seeing as she was a last minute invite, meaning she cant be super important in the brides stratosphere either.

She stalked off, leaving me inwardly fuming, two other girls and the brides mother gobsmacked, and our guy friend trying to apologise for Mary's behaviour. " Does she always do this ? " was the question from the brides mother. Not always, but she had done something similar to me before, only that time she pushed me into a wall and that time i was too drunk to really care. This time i wasnt - i was sober and lucid enough to be both mad, upset and ashamed that someone had acted that way in front of the brides mum. Absolutely disgraceful. So the bride and Mary's sister come back and there's some obvious tension in the circle. They ask us to go dance but all of us insist, no, lets just rest. It's blatantly obvious to the bride that something happened so i mention it - Mary's sister is not drunk, but " happy " enough that she just shrugs it off. At this point i cant stand to be there anymore so i make my apologies to the bride, my best friend, and to her mother and leave.

The next day i am talking to my friend, Mary's sister, and am trying to broach the subject without sounding like a whinger or like i am trying to cause trouble. Being a text message conversation she says " ha, ha, well i can see two sides to it. Some people are just more emotional than others ". This also comes as a slap in the face - " ha ha " ? Its not funny - i dont find being sworn at and insulted for no obvious or valid reason funny at all. She says she didnt say it was funny, but isnt that what " ha ha " would imply ? Now, this afternoon, two days after the incident, Mary's sister send me a text message saying , verbatim : " If you want to call someone a slut how long do you think it takes to come back to them ? ". Confused, i replied that i didnt know, and who had said that about her? Turns out, apparently that it was me - i've apparently been calling Mary a slut behind her back for weeks now. This time, i was gobsmacked - is she serious? Firstly, why would i say that ? Secondly, who would i say it to ? I am notorious for not having a large group of friends and i have no mutual friends with Mary at all. I tell her sister this, and she says that if i say i didnt say it, then fine.

But you know what? Its not fine. Not at all. It is not enough that i have been accused, by God knows who, of talking about people behind their back, of insulting them, but that a girl that has known me for 17 years needs to ask if its true. I asked her who this rumour had come from and she wouldnt say, only to say that it was someone that knew both she and Mary, but that they dont know me. What the fuck ? So the story that i am calling someone a slut is coming from someone who doesnt even know me? Does that make any sense at all ? God knows what i did to this person, or persons, or whatever, to deserve to have my name dragged in the mud. This is not the most of the point - what is the point, the part that has now further compounded my anger and hurt, is that a friend who has known me for 17 years, since the first grade, needs to check if its true. She needs to ask if i had said it. I appreciate that she would be stuck in the middle however, if after 17 years she still needs to check, then she has suprisingly little idea of what kind of person i am.

In my entire life i have never willingly, malevolently, talked about someone behind their back - not even someone i dislike, let alone someone that i may have counted as a friend. It is not in my nature, nor has it ever been. So for her to feel the need to question it , even just for " peace of mind " as she put it, means she is questioning me as a person. What kind of person i am. And that is not good enough. That is hurtful.

I'm a very loyal person - loyality in friendships and relationships is almost the quality, the value, that i hold dearest to my heart. I am very loyal, and feirce in that loyalty. I am honest in my friendships and the very few close friends that i have i imagined i would have for life. That being said, because i invest so much in those relationships, if you mis-use or abuse my investment, my trust, it is extremely hard to get it back.

I'm afraid if Mary doesnt apologise, her friendship, which was purely casual to begin with, becomes null and void. At best, she goes back to being an acquaintance . But her sister ? If the friend i have had for 17 years cant accept or understand why i am so upset with HER and cant explain to me why she would question me like that except that it was to give her peace of mind well - perhaps we still remain friends but she falls very far in my estimation of what a " close " friend is, and the friendship will never be the same again.

Umm, yea, actually, i have....

I was asked today, by someone who had been reading my blog - have you ever thought of leaving Dubbo ? For those of you who do not know - presumably because you are not Australian and, thusly, have never heard of it - Dubbo is the name of the town i live in. I prefer to refer to it is " DubVegas ", purely because it is so NOT like Las Vegas at all.

Anyhoo, my answer to the question was " Actually, yea, heaps ". He then wanted to know why i wasnt more motivated to actually leave and not just think about it a lot. It was a brief conversation but i've been thinking on it for the last few hours. He seemed to think that leaving - that throwing myself out there in the big wide world - would do me some good. That it would force me to meet more people, different people, people who could do wonders for me. And i understand that but there are two things i keep coming back to:
1. Just how do i go about leaving ?
and
2. What if it has the opposite of the desired effect ?

Lets confront those issues, in turn. Firstly, how do i go about getting out ? Do i think of a suitable place to move to, somewhere that i would like to live, and then find a house and a job ? Or do i look for available jobs and houses and then move wherever there is work and accomodation? Do i move somewhere far enough away that i'm out on my own but still close enough to visit family and friends regularly ? Or do i move interstate, across country, and be entirely and utterly alone ? the second part of this issue is i'm not entirely sure what kind of work i would do. I have a job, a career even, but i'm not sure i want to be an optical dispenser forever and, besides that, its the not the kind of occupation that has vacant positions all the time. I'm thinking it might be difficult to find work in that field, at least in area that i would be happy to live in.

Secondly, what if the move has the opposite effect than what i intended? That is, my whole reason for moving would be to be happier - to make new friends, have new adventures, find new horizons. But what if that didnt happen ? What if i couldnt find people i was compatible with and i retreated into the shadows of depression again ? i wouldnt even be near family and friends who already loved me and could lend their support. I'd be alone, and three thousand times lonlier. Would i have to come slinking home with my tail between my legs and a dark cloud over my head?

Dont get me wrong, the more i think on it the more it is something that i will seriously look into. But it cant be something that i rush, i'd want to be pretty sure of what i was doing and confident that i could turn things around if something went wrong.

The last thing i'd want is to feel trapped again by my own decisions.

Saturday night fever

Its Monday night and i'm already pining for the weekend.... isnt that sad ? And its not because i absolute hate work ( although i am doing stocktake tomorrow and, as anybody who has ever worked in a retail environment will tell you, stocktake sucks ass ) but its because the weekend has so much more potential for fun.

I get to sleep in and then hang out. Most of the time i dont have anyone in particular to hang out with during the day but that just means i can please myself - go shopping ( ok, window shopping ), watch a movie, just drive around town with my windows down and my music turned up. Sometimes pleasing yourself can be boring, or lonely, but most of the time i focus on the fact that its the weekend... who has time to be depressed on weekends?

Its actually Saturday nights that i look forward too. I know its stupid, juvenile even, you'd think someone my age would be over going to the pub every weekend, but i'm not. I look forward to getting dressed up every weekend, seeing how sexy or stylish or cool i can make myself look on a week to week basis; to catching up with my very good friend AJ, even though she's the same person i go out with every week; to seeing who else is out that i know, so i can chit chat with them; to having random conversations in the womens loo, maybe comforting a fellow female in need after some arsehole guy has wronged her; to having the occasional flirt either with a drunk older guy who is like TOTALLY into me, or a cute younger guy who is obvious just trying it on with an older woman. Mostly i just look forward to the people watching because i'm an observer by nature. I dont claim that my local hangouts are everybody's thing - i know one of you has experienced the DubVegas pub culture with me first hand i dont remember it as being too thrilling of a night - but its something to do, to keep busy, to say that you've actually been somewhere and seen somebody this week.

And i guess thats what it, and this post comes down to - seeing people, doing things, writing stuff, just to prove i'm still alive...