Dear Tully, 3 Months Old

My gorgeous girl,
I can't believe you are 3 months old already! I know it sounds clichéd, but I really can't believe how quickly the time has flown - it seems like only a week or two ago I was willing you out of there, and now here you are, my 3 month old chunky monkey pumpkin.

You are already such a beautiful girl... Not just pretty ( although those gorgeous long eyelashes do win you lots of compliments ) but you have a beautiful temperament. You are such a cruisy little poppet, usually quite content to lie back in your swing or on your play mat, watching the world go by. Actually, its more like people watching - you are such a people person and a MAJOR snuggle bunny. If someone is happy to have you on their lap, you are happy to snuggle in for a cuddle or a snooze.

Speaking of snoozing, you are a much better sleeper than your brother was at this age, and for that I am extremely grateful. Our feeding is going well now after a bit of a rocky start, and even though people say you don't get the same connection when bottle feeding, I really enjoy the one bottle a day you have - looking down at you and having you looking back at me. I also enjoy sewing clothes for you, and having you wear all the cute things I'm attempting to make for you!

And so - happy 3 months! I can't wait to see what you start doing next - finding your hands ( you're already fascinated with your feet ), rolling, reaching out to touch things, sitting up on your own and first words. Love you my gorgeous baby girl,

Love your Mama

One Whole Year

Happy first anniversary to me and my gorgeous husband! One year ago today I was beautifying myself, playing down my nerves and then walking down the aisle to marry the love of my life and the father of my beautiful children. This was us then:

An this was us on Saturday night, when we scored a babysitting session from the grandparents and took the opportunity to go out on a " Happy Anniversary ! " date:

Aside from my hairstyle I don't think we've changed that much - or at least I don't think the being married part has changed us. Starting our business, and having a new baby might have changed us as individuals, but the being married part has only enhanced what was already a solid, supportive, loving relationship. Sometimes we argue ( and when we do its pretty much over the next day ) but it think that's healthy. What's important is that even when we are arguing, we still love each other.

So to my husband, on our first anniversary: thank you for loving me, and letting me love you. Thank you for making beautiful children with me, and supporting me as a wife and mother. Thank you for encouraging when I've needed it, and being constructively critical when I needed that too. Even though sometimes I'd like to punch you in the guts ( I think we've all been there haven't we? ) I love you with my entire heart. And, just for you honey, with all my farts.... you're ( super awesome, most wonderful, very beautiful ) wife....

Things I Realised Just Today

Do you know how there are something things that you know, somewhere in the back of your head, kind of all vague and greyish, and then all of a sudden they just dawn on you ? Thats happened to me twice today. Those funny little moments of realisation where you take a mental step back and go " Really? No, seriously.... really ? "

1. The word " elaborate " as in " to elaborate on something " and the word " elaborate " as in " the room was very elaborate " are spelt the same way, but prounounced differently, and mean vaguely different things? Dont ask me i thought about that but let me tell you ... spin out!

2. My counsellor asked me how many more weeks i have left at work. When i replied that i only have 8 weeks left ( or 25 working days! ) it dawned on me that in 8 weeks i'll be stopping work because i'll be expecting a baby not long there after.

Of course i've been following along and counting weeks and everything like that but it just kind of hit me full force that in a bit less than 12 weeks ( or hopefully less ) i will be holding a new bubba in my arms, welcoming new life into our home and accepting full responsibility for that little life for the rest of mine. If the scans are correct and i do welcome a baby girl, i'll be gifted the reponsibility of raising a strong, self assured, ethical, smart, capable daughter into womanhood. I'll have to  give her the strength to see through nasty bitchy bullshit, to ignore societies ideas of what is and isnt beautiful, and the confidence to see there will be plenty more fish in the sea. God knows there is no way i can ever shield her from those things, and nor would i want to - i want my daughter to be a girl, and then a woman, of grace and confidence, to know who she is and who she can be, even when she isnt quite sure of the whys or the hows.

So much to take on board, to ponder and plan, in the next 12 weeks. Or less. Heaven help this child should she decide to appear late!

A ( Mothers Day ) Weekend By The Numbers

1 - block of chocolate included in my Mothers Day present. Cadburys new " Marvellous Creations " Popping Candy flavour ( which is, by the way, awesome! )

4 - number of times i shared some with Flynn, who knew exactly where i had it and kept going " 'Scuse me Mum? I want some! " with the biggest grin on his face.

6 - loads of washing done over Saturday and Sunday. It would have only been 4 but i had to do 2 rewashes because the stupid bloody dog keeps pulling stuff of the clothesline. He's still only a pup, and i love him, but if he doesnt stop stealing washing i'm going have to kill him!

10 - combined total of books i bought at two different book sales. 9 of them were picture books for Flynn, and the other was a novel for myself. Not exactly sure when i'll get around to reading it tho - it might just have to make a nice addition to my bookshelf for now.

60 - minutes i spent snoozing on the lounge on Mothers Day afternoon. Flynn and Daddy went off into the new playroom to play trucks ( and Mick tuned Flynns radio into a live football game ) while i drifted in and out of a nice, restful, nana nap.

3 - number of dvds i tried in our dvd player before i came to the sad conclusion that it has died in the arse. No Mothers Day afternoon spent watching " That 70's Show " for me. Boo to that!

2 - number of tv shows Mick and I watched after the lovely chicken tikka curry he made for dinner : " Modern Family " and " New Girl ". ( For the record, Schmidt cracks me and Jess and Nick just need to hurry up and get it together already! ). After that we perused the tv guide, found out there was nothing much else worth watching ( Masterchef just isnt doing it for me this year ), so we turned the telly off and had a chat and went to bed early instead...

562 - approximate number of times that Little Jelly kicked me in the belly button/bladder/ribs to make her presence known over the course of Mothers Day. Its nice to know she's going ok in there but getting super-Ninja kicked all day long isnt exactly the most comfortable of presents!

(Un)Guessing Game

Please, play along at home, guessing from these images:

Give up? ( Or read my Facebook already and know the answer ) ?

The answer is: i got called in by my radiology place yesterday, asking if i'd like to fill a cancellation and after a good half hour of playing around with the 4d scanning system, jiggling, shaking and very gently threatening to ground my child for life, we finally got a a nice, clear, undeniable shot of our

BABY GIRL!!

Yes ladies and gentleman, after much effort - and a much nicer, happier, more satisfying experience than last week - we managed to get a good flash of Little Jelly's personal bits. We had tried on and off for half an hour: the first attempt bubby had its legs crossed, so we checked out the brain and face; the second time the umbilical cord was quite clearly in the way, so we did the limbs; the third time the hands that had previously been up in front of the face had migrated to the privates, so we got some nice clear shots of the heart. At the end of half an hour we got half a flash of something, enough for the sonographer and tech installing the 4d to both go " Is that what you thought? Looked like... ? Hmm... ". At this point the lovely sonographer suggested i go empty out my bladder and maybe give my belly a shake... so i went to the bathroom and i shook my money maker for all it was worth!

Went back in, lie back down and straight away - ta da! Full exposure! Both sonographers sort of did this nod thing, went " Yep, it is ", froze the pic on the screen and pointed out the " ...very definate lack of a " thing " - that ones a girl ... ". I dont think you could have wiped the smile from my face if you'd tried! It was fantastic to be able to find out the gender, and a double positive because Mick had admitted he wanted a girl, and Flynn would say " its a sissssster! " 9 times out of 10 when asked. So now we're all looking forwarded welcoming a little more oestrogen, and a whole lot more pink, to our house come mid-late August!

A Valentines Day Tale - Our Love Story

IN case you've managed to avoid all the retail hype and the florists running around like chickens with their heads cut off.... today is St Valentines Day. And, in keeping with the general lovey-doveyness of the day i've decided to share with you all my personal love story. And Micks. Ours, if you will. And though it may not be as epic as some you might read today, its worth sharing i think.


Why? Not only because we're, like, crazy in love and stuff, but because Michael and I are an internet dating success story. I know a few of you very loyal readers know the origin of our relationship but for those who are new around these parts - Mick and I met on an internet dating site. We did the whole write a profile, hope someone likes it, find your match thing that so many others do, only instead of winding up in the basket of web dating horror stories we clicked. Big time. Our first date was lunch at a pub bistro in town.... that lasted 5 hrs. My sister actually texted me 3 times to check where i was an if i was ok. I didnt answer any of those texts because i was having too good of a time to notice them.

Me and Mick early in our relationship....

We saw each other the next day ( the rule of waiting at least 3 days be damned ) - we went to see " Watchmen " and " Gran Torino " back to back, and then went for an impromptu dinner. He rang me a few days after that and travelled 45 mins into town after a full day of work just so we could have a picnic dinner. He invited me away for the weekend to meet his brother after only 2 weeks of dating - rather than scaring me off, i said yes and had an "interesting " time at his brothers house in the middle of nowhere. I then had to go away for work for 2 weeks, during which time i racked up a mammoth phone bill because we spent every day texting each other. He picked me up from the airport when i came home and that was it - we've been inseperable ever since.

It probably bares mentioning that we fell pregnant only 6 weeks into our relationship - but, contrary to some peoples very nasty opinion, that is not why we stayed together. Mick told me only 3 weeks into our relationship that he would ask me to marry him oneday and i told him to give a few months, think about it a while, and then see how he felt. 9 months into our relationship, and at 7 months pregnant, he did ask, and i ( obviously ) accepted. Having a baby was, of course, a huge part of our relatinship by then, but we didnt just stay together because it was " the right thing to do ".

.....and at our wedding in November '11

No we stayed together, and are together still because we love each other. Even when he drives me nuts or he drinks too much and lets the neighbour shave his head at 3am .... i still love him. Even when he gets grumpy at me because i keep stressing about our new business ( because he's chillaxed like that i'm a bit anal ), or he loses his patience with Flynn... i love him. I especially love him when he lets me sleep in ( every Saturday morning! ) or when he offers to get tea so i dont have to cook. I guess, whichever way you look at it, love is the glue that holds us together, and Flynn is the very special suprise bonus of being that in love. And after 3 and bit months of marriage, i can quite happily say that our love continues to grow, and continues to create special little things.

So what about you? Do you have a love story worth sharing?

Dear Flynn, Aged 2 Years - Happy Birthday!

To my dear Flynn,

You crazy little fluffy-nut - happy birthday! Mama ( yep, just lately you almost always call me " Mama " instead of " Mummy " ) can't believe you turned 2 yesterday and you can NOT be called a baby anymore. As Daddy and I keep telling you, you are most definately a big boy now - a funny, (mostly) well-tempered, smart little boy who loves being outside, wrestling with his dad and pretty much anything with wheels.

When you're not being all rough and tumble, you  do enjoy reading a book or five. This is something i really love about you. I love that you've taken an interest in books and even if Daddy or I can't sit and read to you, you are more than happy to sit on your bed with CharlieBear and Hoot and your teddy bear Bruce and flip through the book yourself. You also love music and ask me to put your music on for you in your room at least once a day ( Justine Clark and the Wiggles are you favourites ). And then you dance and sing and a few times i've even caught you just lying back on your bed listening, just like a teenager would. That kind of made me smile even though it kind of reminded me of how fast your growing up...

You've conquered so much this year - you started walking just after your first birthday, then running, and then climbing up anything you could get to. You talk constantly and your speech is developing rapidly ( methinks this is because you know a lot of children older than yourself, and you spend a lot of time chitty-chatting with them ) and you've even starting counting to 10 ( although apparently the number 6 doesnt exist.... ).

That binky you have in your face there is going this year too....

This coming year i've got one major thing on your to-do list, little man - potty training. Mama would love for you to learn to go to the " potty " so that we can throw away the nappies. We've already started - slowly - and though we had one morning where you successfully went in the potty most times when i ask if you need to go you shake your head and say " No mama no! Dont want it! ". No matter - slow and steady and i'm sure by this time next year we can say you're nappy free!

I know i say it all the time but - Mama loves you! I'm so proud of the way your are growing, the personality you are developing, the little person you are turning into. I love that you use your manners 99% of the time, that your pretty fast and loose with your kisses and "huggles" and that you love to laugh. Daddy and I couldnt love you anymore if we tried!
Keep up the awesome sleeping and you're pretty much the perfect kid,
Love you millions,
Mama

A Musical Interlude

Having run all over town this morning doing some semi-last minute errands before Christmas ( including taking Flynn for a haircut appointment at 8:15am.... ) i got to listen to a fair bit of music whilst out and about in the car. Usually its The Wiggles all the way while we cruise around - lets just say it keeps the peace - but today i vetoed the thousandth repeat of " Wake Up Jeff! " and decided to switch on Micks IPod. After wading through some crap ( ahem... White Zombie ) i came across the first dance song from our wedding... which firstly made me a bit nostalgic - even though we've only been married 6 weeks - and secondly, i remembered that i had promised a few more wedding posts. So, today i present you all with the three most important songs for any girls wedding:
#1 - the song she walks down the aisle to;
#2 - the song the newlyweds walk back up the aisle to to greet their guests and
#3 - the all important first dance song.

#1 - " Just Because " by Nikka Costa. I thought a lot about the song i wanted to walk down the aisle to and the one thing i knew is that i didnt want it to be a song that had be " done " a bazillion times before. So i (we ) went with one of my favourite love songs of all time, which really just somes up my feelings towards Mick... basically, i love him ' just because ' - because of all the simple, little things that just make him him.

#2 - " Burn Your Name " by Powderfinger. One of my FAVE bands of all time. This song came out a few weeks before Flynn was born and from the first time i heard it it was a song that represented so much about how i felt about Mick and our impending family. When it came to planning the wedding i knew i wanted to have it somewhere, and because its a bit more uptempo we decided to use it as the song we played after the ceremony, when everyone is a celebratory mood.

#3 - " Bless the Broken Road " by Rascall Flatts. We were pretty much unanimous on this one. We both love this song, it represents the way we felt coming into our relationship, and its a great melody for a slow dance. Love!

So there you be - the 3 most important songs from my special day. How about you - what songs did you have, or would you have, at your wedding?

Coming Up Next

So - you might have heard but if you havent, two of my favourite bloggers are pregnant. The gorgeous Holly from Good Golly Miss Holly! and the beautiful Ames from Tutu Ames are both growing cute little baby-buns in their ovens and i couldnt be happier for them ( its funny how you can feel so happy for people you dont actually "know" ). Hopefully, i'll be next to the join them.

Because, yes - as happy as i am for both these beautiful ladies, i'm also just the teeny, tiniest bit jealous. I wants me another baby, and i want it now! Its no secret, I've mentioned the desire for a second child numerous times here on the blog. Mick and I have been married for 3 weeks tomorrow and , at the risk of being TMI, we started trying the day after the wedding. ( We would have started trying on the wedding night but, truthfully, who has energy left for that kind of thing after the wedding ? ) But....no luck yet.

My fingers are crossed our time will be soon. We've already started talking to Flynn about the possibility of another baby, and though he doesnt really understand, he does tell me " Bruvva mum. Baby bruvva. " Its the cutests thing - i cant wait to see how he'd actually be as a big brother. Fantastic, i'm sure. But, for now, its a wait and see. So whilst i loko forward to hearing all about Holly and Ames adventures in pregnancy, i cant wait to blog again about my own...

By Any Other Name

I had my first day back at work today after 3 weeks off and do you know what i realised? Holy mackerel there are a lot of places where i'm going to have to change my name! I've already had to email two seperate departments in my organisation and they're happy to change it from my maiden name to married name without a marriage certificate - but for all the other official type stuff ( bank/RTA/Centrelink ) I'll have to wait.

Truth be told, i really dont want to wait, I'm excited about having a new name. Funnily enough , a few of my friends expressed suprise that i was going to change to Micks surname - i've always been a bit of an independent/girl power type of woman ( to the point where i told Mick if he was ever going to  propose he was NOT to ask my father for permission - i'm not an object to be handed off ! ) and they had assumed i would just keep my own name. But, despite my firm belief in having my own identity as a woman, i'd never even thought about NOT changing my name. Why? Changing my name, to me, is another symbol of our unity as a couple. I'm not saying you cant be united with different surnames - if that works for you then great - but for me i couldnt wait to be " Mrs Amy F ", wife of Mick F and, equally importantly .... mother to Flynn F.

I know that there are lots of mums out there who have different names to their offspring - i mean, so did i for the first 22 months of Flynn's life - but changing my name feels like making our little family unit really complete. Not complete in the sense that we wont be adding to it ( fingers crossed! ) but complete in that we're all one and the same now, all bound together for everyone to see.

Sure i may not be overly fussed to share the same name as my FIL ( hell, thats a whole other post .... ) but i'm Mick's wife and i'm Flynn's mum and i'm happy and proud for everyone to so obviously know it!

Best.Wedding.Ever.

So...Saturday the 5th of November... best.day.ever. In the history of days. Yes, i'm happy to say that my wedding went off without a hitch ( ok, the only thing that went even close to wrong is that my guestbook wasnt ready on time, so we didnt have it at the reception. Absolutely not a problem, in the scheme of things... ) and despite my usual ability to put so much expectation on an event that i end up disappointed... i wasnt. I loved it! All of it - the hair and the makeup pampering, the ceremony, the photos and the reception was the best party i've been to in forever.

And i can say with complete honesty, i wasnt nervous. My photography, who is a goood friend of mine, asked halfway through the day if i was starting to get nervous and i said " No, i dont feel nervous, and you know why? Because everything just feels so right. " Hell, even my hair stylist said i was the most relaxed, upbeat, no stress bride she's ever seen and joked that she should invite me back whenever she has to deal with a bridezilla, just so they can see how it is possible to NOT turn into a monster on your wedding day!

I loved every aspect to my day - my hair was absolutely the way i had hoped it would look ( hot rolled into loose curls and then pinned low and to the side a little to make like a messy, romantic bun type thing ); my makeup, which i wasnt totally in love with at the trial, totally came together when we changed the colour of lippie and i felt gooooooooooorgeous; my dress fit perfectly and my shoes were comfy; the ceremony was sweet and romantic and it was ok that i broke into a giggle when i stumbled on the words a bit; the photo session was fun and casual enough that i felt i could be natural and not all posed and fake; and, like i said, the reception totally rocked!

Just for those who were curious ( if any ), we didnt exactly script our own vows. What i did do, however, is read through a lot of examples and take out what i loved from each of them, and cobbled them into one set of vows that would work for us. Which, if your interested, ended up as this:

I call upon the persons here present

to witness that I, Amy take you, Michael
to be my lawful wedded husband.
Michael – all that i am, and all that i have,
i offer to you, in love and in joy.
I promise to be there when you need me,
to fill your days with sunshine,
to comfort you and to encourage you,
and to hold you close to my heart,
long enough to last a lifetime.

We had a cocktail style reception and, i'm glad to say, we didnt run out of food! In fact, we had a tonne left over that we were too full to eat ( but i'd rather have too much than not enough ) plus our wedding cake ( which i looooooooooved! ) and our guests only used up half the bar tab we had allowed, so everyone left satisfied. And, despite the tradition being the bride and groom leave first, Mick and i ended up being the last to leave, just before midnight, because we were having such a good time!

Of course, there will be more wedding photos at some point when theyre done, and maybe a honeymoon rundown, but for now, the only other thing i can say is - best.damn.wedding.EVER!

So In Love Its Vomit-Worthy...

With only one week left til my wedding i just wanted to give you guys a little sneaky peek.... not at my dress or anything like that, but at a few photos we had taken last weekend, which will be edited and turned into a guestbook for the reception.


The photographer, a very good friend of mine, said " You guys are so cute, and in love.... it makes me sick! ". Judge for yourselves....

And of me on my ownesome, looking all sultry with my gorgeous booty!

*All images courtesy of SpeakingOneThousandWords Photography, Dubbo, NSW. Please search her on Facebook and like her page because she is all kinds of awesome sauce!

Crazy In Love

Let me pose a question to all my married readers - did you find yourself more in love with your husbands in the few weeks before your wedding?

Pic from here

I ask because for the past fortnight or so i've been so incredibly attracted to my fiance that its distracting. Not just physically attracted either - though mind you he is one gorgeous hunk of man and we've been a little more vigorous *ahem* in the boudoir in the past few weeks than we have for a while - but i find myself wondering what he's doing during the day, wishing we didnt have to go to work just so we could hang together, and almost bursting with love and joy at the way he interacts with his son. And then i watch the way Flynn behaves, the crazy, sweet, knuckle-headed little things he does and the little boy he's turning into and i love his father more because i know his influence is at play.

So it is unusual, this whole "falling deeper " into love thing? Is it just a pre-honeymoon period and all this lovey dovey-ness will wear off by the time we get back from our time away? Did it happen to you?

Godspeed, Little Man

Today was little Brody's funeral, and it brought me completely undone.

I can only imagine how incredibly hard it must have been for his mother - to wake and prepare for the day that she will be putting her 6 week old child to rest forever. To deliver a very moving eulogy, to share her babies story with a church full of people without collapsing in tears. To hug every mourner as they left the church, to smile and accept their condolences without wanting to scream at them. To nurse her other child on her lap, to hug him and squeeze him as they lowered her baby's casket into the ground. I know for sure she is a much braver woman than I.

I would have been a bawling, weeping, moaning mess. You know the Muslim women you see on the news, the way they howl and paw at themselves, throwing themselves to the ground? That would have been me. And i wouldnt be finding comfort in religion of any kind - i dont mean to offend anyone but i hate the hypocrisy of Catholicism. I hate how when good things happen it is Gods glory, his miracle, his wonder; but when babies are stolen away from wonderful kind people its all " God works in mysterious ways " or " He must have needed that angel back ". God gets all the glory but never the blame. Frankly, i think thats absolute crap ( and a whole other post ).

So i went, and i wept for what my friend had to go through. I wept for the thought of what i would do if it were me and my child. And wept for what my parents would have had to do almost 22 years ago. I wept for the little boy they had to put in the ground. And when little Brody's burial service was over i went to my brothers grave and i collapsed onto the grass and i cried there, with him, privately. I cried for all those things and more. I spoke with my brother and i told him how Flynn knows his name ( even though he doesnt pronounce it properly ) and how he can point him out in photos. I told him how Flynn is built like him, small and nuggety, and how our Dad says Flynn reminds him of his son. I promised to bring Flynn to his grave and tell him that we love Uncle Eli. And as i wept and talked and tried to arrange my flowers as best i could, two crows flew overhead.

I dont know what you, out there, believe - but i know what i believe, and i know who those two crows were and why they were there, watching over me. I carry them on my shoulders ( quite literally, tattooed there forever ) at all times, and today they came when i needed them....

Baby Love

So after yesterdays news i've been keenly aware of and crazy in love with my son today. I felt a pang in my heart for what my friend has lost, and couldnt help but imagine myself in her situation. It did upset me for a little while, and then it made me want to run to my son, scoop him up, and never let him go. Of course, that just isnt possible ( especially not with such an active and wriggly toddler ..... ), as much as i wanted it today.

Image from here

What i did do is just took the time to really be with him - not just in the same room, not just absently mindly playing with him whilst thinking of something else but actually "being" with him. We had a playdate with another mum from mothers group during which i let him run and play and do his own thing but the rest of the day i made him my focus. Even when out shopping with my sister i made a point of talking to him, doing wheelies with him in his pram, rubbing his hair as we strolled - little things that made me feel connected to him.

He fell asleep in the car on the way home from the shops and i put him gently in his bed. When he woke after half an hour a bit distressed ( he's cutting his canines and they arent playing very nicely... ) instead of shushing him for a few minutes and then shutting the door i climbed into his bed with him, snuggled in under the doona and we had a nap together. Its been a long time since we've had a nap together and it felt good. Not only to get a bit of extra rest, but to have that snuggly, warm, bonding moment that i'm sure will be less and less frequent as he gets older.

Once he finally gets to sleep tonight ( again, those teeth are playing havoc ) i might go in and steal one more baby kiss before heading to bed. I'm just hoping my own sleep tonight is less restless than last night, when i couldnt seem to shake the sadness of the " what ifs? "....

Trusting Yourself - 15 Minutes To Live

So, with only four days ( or prompts left ) in the 30 Days of Music challenge ( another post to come this afternoon ), i was thinking i was going to be back to posting the same old stuff again, and hoping that i wouldnt bore all you readers to death. So, happily, whilst cruising around the forums on Digital Parents i found a link to a new (and somewhat more meaningful ) writing "challenge ". In celebration of Ralph Waldo Emerson's 208th birthday, the good people who run a website in homage to him are running the #Trust30 initiative:
 #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey.


Now, like the 30 Days of Music challenge, i think i might spread these prompts out over the course of two months - and seeing as the content will probably be a lot " heavier " in nature, i'll probably need the extra time to think them over.Plus, i'm already a day behind so it wont be so bad if i skip a day or two. So, day one?
( By Gwen Bell ) You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live....

Image from here

Without a doubt, after giving myself 30 seconds or so to panic and ponder my own mortality, i would have to contact my most treasured of loved ones. Only those closest to me, those who have supported me, loved me, truely known and seen and lived me.

To my fiance - Thank you for finding me, and for being ready to accept the love i had to give. You were the light at the end of a dark tunnel, the dawn at the end of the longest night. I love you, and always will.

To my son - If your father was my dawn after night, you are the sunshine who keeps the clouds at bay. You're my honeybee, my baby cakes, and even though your feet smell i love your guts forever.

To my mother - we had our struggles ( as sulky teenagers are want to cause... ) but we've come good in the end. Realise the potential that you have, and go with it - stop your worrying and let yourself "be". And love yourself, the way you always, even in your funny way, loved me.

To my sister - i love you, and despite having called you a bitch when we were kids, i dont really think that. I think you are headstrong and sometimes a bit dramatic, but that you are stronger than you imagine and will make it in the end. Forget your naysayers, and remember you.

To my father - my rock, my sounding board and the first man i ever loved. I am proud of the way you live your life, proud of the way you love your family, and proud to be your daughter. See you on the otherside, wherever they may be.

To the rest of the people who inhabit my life i'd have to leave a farewell note - short, sweet and to the point:
I loved you all. Goodbye, and good luck...









 

That Small Warm Weight

The small, warm weight of him is nuzzled against my stomach, his head sweaty against my breast. He has been here for days now, feeling safe encircled in my arms. Without the use of words, we communicate with touch - i know his tummy hurts so i give it a gentle massage; i know his throat aches so i offer him his water; to show how sleepy and sick and altogther frusturated he is he pulls gently at my ponytail, at the soft flesh under my chin. He wants no-one but me - even the Daddy he idolises so much has been pushed aside - and i feel strangely honoured that he wants me as his comfort.

His mum. Mummy. Muuuuuuuummmmmmy.

Yet, i too feel frusturated. I want my lap back - selfishly, perhaps, i want twenty minutes to have a shower without hearing the tired moans of my son, or an hour to cook and eat my dinner without having to fork mouthfuls of food very carefully over the top of his fluffy head. His father would take him - has taken him - but the constant siren wail of " Muuuum! Muuummmy! " is too hard to listen to. It is easier to work around him, to suffer the sore back and numb buttocks for him, to only go to the bathroom when he has fallen asleep and can be put down.

And then, when i again shift my weight beneath his smallness and find a new comfortable spot, i remind myself how lucky i am that it has only been days. That it is not months of sickness, of suffering, of tired frusturation. That we are at home on our lounge under a blanket watching Sesame Street and Play School, and not stuck in the paediatric ward of a hospital. That i even have a child to be sick, when other women want so badly to have a fluffy, sweaty, bundle calling out their name. And, most luckily, that i have family to support me, who gladly agree to take my boy for the night so i can cook, and eat, and fold the four baskets of washing that have piled up in the few days he has been sick.

And i smile through my discomfort, and hold him tighter. I brush the soft hair across his forehead, stroke the smooth baby skin of his cheek. This is only temporary, but he is mine forever....

I Couldnt Have Said It Better

Those of you who are regular readers around these parts would know that I am getting married in November ( which is only 7 months away - yes, don’t remind me... ). Now I have never been the kind of little girl who dreamed about a huge princess-y wedding, and neither was I the type to know exactly what dress/theme/flowers/cake I wanted by the time I was 10 years old. Thusly, I have been a little slow off the mark in getting things organised for the big day. The dress is taken care of, both venues and a photographer have been booked, I’ve enlisted the help of a wedding planner to do the decorations ( and she's also sourcing my flowers from the Sydney markets ) and the cake is generously being taken of by Micks aunty. There are plenty of small details to be taken care of but the one big thing I’ve yet to organize is the ceremony.

Despite both being christened, neither of us is religious, so we’ve decided to have our ceremony held in a local park and conducted by a marriage celebrant ( who happens to be my old yoga instructor. ) Because I haven’t been bothered haven’t had time to find my birth certificate yet ( which is somewhere in my filing cabinet, somewhere in the garage ) so we haven’t had an official meeting with the celebrant yet, but I have been pouring over the information she gave me in regards to what style of ceremony she can do, and I have been trawling the internet trying to find some beautiful readings. I haven’t been able to find anything that really resonated with me, and that hadn’t been read to death at other people’s weddings…. Til now.

This morning i was browsing my Google reader list and noticed that the lovely Maxabella  from Maxabella Loves had made a new post, so i clicked on over. What i found was a post in regards to what marriage means. It.Was.Beautiful. I have no other words except to say that what Bella has written rings so true for me, is everything that i would like to say about what i hope for my marriage, and it would make the perfect reading for my wedding ceremony. I have commented on her post and asked if i could get her permission to use her words at my wedding, but i might try and get a hold of her on Twitter to ask the same. I've just re-read over her words again now, whilst writing this post, and they are making me choke up ( Gawd knows how i;d be at the actual wedding ). Please, do yourself a favour, head over to Bella's page and read what she has written - and then pop back here and let me know what you think, and whether you have any recommendations for a second reading....

Lover Boy

I just wanted to let you all know that i am madly, insanely, crazy in love with a boy.... and its not Mick. He's really gorgeous, a great kisser and hugger and is hilariously funny. So who is he?

Oh yea, there he is .... its Flynn! I just had to share with the world how much i am loving Flynn right now - he's 14 months on Sunday and so much is happening. He took his first steps way back in December but this week he has really started walking properly. He's still wobbly, and sometimes he only manages half a dozen steps before he falls down, but its beautiful to see how hard it tries, and how big he smiles when he gets it right and i clap for him. He was walking all around the loungeroom today, and kept wobbling over and giving me a huge cuddle, or blowing raspberries on my neck, or giving me a big smooch on the lips ( complete with exaggerated " mwah! " sound ). We went shopping and he said hello to almost every single woman we passed ( dirty flirt! ) and was blowing me kisses from his stroller while we waited at Medicare. Everything he did today was just so gorgeous....my heart couldnt help but swell with love, and pride.
Do you ever have moments like these with your kids?

Dear Flynn, Aged 12 Months - Happy Birthday!

Dear Flynn,
Well you made it, my gorgeous little man - as of 5:05pm yesterday afternoon, you are now officially a one year old. ( Which means that Daddy and I are now the parents of a one year old....which is kind of weird to say ). Over the course of your first year you have grown into such a beautiful little dude - and you are a dude, a wrestling, wrecking, crazy little boy right to your very core. Yes, i've seen you play with dollies, but 99% of the time its trucks or tractors or pulling things apart ( and making a big mess while your at it ). And you weren't ever one of those androgynous-looking babies either - it was clear to every random old lady who stopped us down the street that you were a little boy. See - you're a total dude.

Chowing down on some birthday cake yesterday - it got soooooo much messier after this photo was taken

You love your food and though i try not to let you eat too much i am starting to become convinced that you do, indeed, have hollow legs. And its not just how much you eat, but what you eat - i'm so glad you're willing to try pretty much everything ( you know, like gherkins, or olives or yummy, yummy prawns .... ).However, i'm concerned that by the time you turn 15 our groceries will cost us $1000 a week, just to keep up with your appetite. So, whats happened in the three months since my last letter ?

* You've totally mastered the whole crawling thing, and have progressed to pulling yourself up on everything and anything, cruising your way along the furniture. However, despite being awesome at the whole cruising thing, and very easily able to hold onto things with one hand and stomping those little feet, you havent started walking yet. I know its not really cause for concern but, let mummy be frank here, i think your just being lazy. I've seen you stand on your own - holding something in both hands, without holding ON to anything - and once or twice you've easily taken little steps behind your cousins dolly pram.... but when Daddy and I try to get you to take those first steps, you just giggle and squat down your little bottom. I know you can do, and i'm i know you know how to do, you just wont. I know i'll regret saying this later but hurry up and get your walk on little man!
* You're turning into a real little chatterbox. Sure, a lot of it is crazy, indecipherable baby-babble, but you have picked up some really great words, like " hello! " ( which is the first thing out of your mouth of a morning, and doesnt stop until you go to bed ) " En-nen " for when Aunty Erin is hanging out with us, or just in the last week Mummy has started hearing a " ank ooh " when I ask you for a " thank you ". Too cute!
* Lastly, but most importantly.... i can finally add "champion sleeper " to the list. Yes, since our visit to Tresillian back in October, you have kept on with the 11-12 hour sleep throughs overnight, and the 1-2 naps twice a day. This has not only allowed Mummy to get her sanity back, but it has also transformed your personality. You werent ever naughty before, but you were a sooky-la-la baby a lot of the time and, in retrospect, i know its because you were overtired. Now? You're a sweet, affectionate happy little man, who is happy to play with other little people without having to be attached to my lap, and who is laughing, and smiling, and gibber-gabbering more often than you are sooking.  Halle-freaking-lujah!

Oh, how i love you, little man. Daddy and I were talking about it the other night, and we just cant imagine life without you anymore. You are our sunshine, the love of our shared life, and our " little mate ".
Love ya guts little man,

Your very proud Mama.