Meditating on friends, family and, uh.... meditation.

Ommmm #1: My mother and I went to a free meditation course on Saturday morning. Although its something I'm into, I really only went as moral support for my mum. Frankly, I'm not sure whether i enjoyed it or not, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going back. Now, I'm a pretty hippy-dippy person but this, this was a bit much. Firstly, it was recommended that when meditating at home you set up a candle next to a picture of the meditations teacher. Nope , not for me - thats like setting someone up as a God or a guru, and i dont do that. Secondly, when meditating you were supposed to be focusing on the divine feminine energy , or kundalini, within us all. Rather than quietly, inwardly, wordlessly focusing, we were supposed to be inwardly repeating affirmations, such as " Mother Kundalini, am i the spirit ? Mother Kundalini, I am the spirit ". See, once you give something a name and begin talking to it, its too much like praying for me. If there is one thing i dont do, its pray. So i think its safe to say that the mediation session was not for me. Which is not to say meditation itself is not for, just not this particular style.

Ommmm #2: My brother is so funny when he's pissy. He came round for dinner last night after having been at a bbq at a mates place all afternoon, and he'd had enough beer that he was in the state of " happiness " where you talk really fast, and you're face is kind of flushed and you find stuff really funny. We were playing a general knowledge trivia game and he's just blurting out the answers regardless of whether it was his turn or not. They werent the right answers, mind you - thats what made it funny. I think it might have answered maybe three questions correctly the whole game, but he never made it past the third square on the board. He kept landing on the " Move back three spaces " square, and having to go back to the start, every time expressing his mock disgust and saying how much this game sucked and we were all cheaters - and then bursting into laughter. Stupid, stupid, drunk child.

Ommmm #3: My two and half year old neice called me her " beautiful girl ". As in " Bye Aunty Amy, my beautiful girl! " Awwwwwwwwwww. Someone loves me.

Ommmmm #4: Remember the debacle with Mary and her sister? Her sister who was one of my best friends and that i felt completely betrayed by, to the point where I questioned the existence of the relationship in the future ? Yea, well I've hardly heard from her since she moved towns. She's been back a handful of times and she's promised each time " Hey, I'll come round and see you! ". And, each time, there has been an excuse and she hasnt shown up. This weekend just gone she was supposed to be back in town and we were going to go out for drinks and dance and guess what ? I didnt hear from her. Not even an " Oh, I cant make it excuse " - i just flat out didnt hear from her at all. Whatevs.

Ommmm #5: Today is Monday and tonight was the first night in two weeks that I have been to the gym. Frankly, I missed it. I'd been dying of the lurgy for almost a full two weeks and was just too tired and run down to do anything other than lie on my lounge reading a magazine or watching the Olympics ( gold everywhere for the Australians today..... boo yeah! ), so i didnt bother wrecking myself at the gym. But i really did miss the routine of it, and I have to admit i felt absolutely freaking fantastic after my workout tonight.

Everyone knows a woman glows more after a good workout, covered in sweat and cheeks flushed.....

Blog Motivation Proclamation

So the ever entertaining Sheena over at If These Walls Could Talk has issued a challenge to her readers - she wants to know all about our blog motivation: why we blog, what made us start blogging, how we go about the whole blogging process ( that is, if we have one ). Hell, she's even made it a competition of sorts - the " winner " gets treated to a weekend with Sheena sometime in the year 2010. Thats a prize worthe entering for, in my humble opinion. Therefore i have decided to take Miss Gates up on her challenge. Read on, if you will:

It was an online chat buddy who encouraged me to blog. We used to chat for hours on end : long, articulate, funny, often playfully argumentative discussions on topics that none of our " real life " friends cared to talk about. He'd started his own blog on the social networking site that we favoured and, after a few choice comments from me, asked me why i hadnt started mine yet. Why ? Well, why not ? To " web log " had never crossed my mind before, but the more i thought about it, the more sense it made. Truth be told, I have always been an avid writer; when i was a little girl i loved spending time in my room writing stories, reading through baby name books to make a shortlist of monikers for the various characters in my " novels ". This grew and morphed somewhat into a favouritism for poetry, most often written when i was low and/or angry. In my late teens i kept an exercise book full of my poems with me almost all the time and pulled it out whenever i had something i needed to say. But it occured to me that everything in my poems was hidden, cryptic, metaphorical; why wasnt i saying what i really felt? Why wasnt i getting all those thoughts and feelings out, in honest and frank terms that any old person was going to be able to understand ? Why? I didnt know. So i started to keep a journal. Every night i wrote in a notebook the exact thoughts and feelings i was having that day - nothing hidden, nothing left out, no holds barred. It was pure and honest and raw. And it was good.

I dont necessarily mean the writing - whether that was good or not would be entirely up to the reader. And seeing as i was the only person who ever read my journals, i guess we'll never really get an unbiased opinion on that. No, what i meant was that writing itself was good. The putting of thought to pen to paper was cathartic - it didnt matter that nobody else was reading it, just to free all the thoughts from my over-active mind was cleansing in itself. So, when the idea of having my own blog was put to me, a journal which was their for everybody - nay, anybody - to read, i thought it couldnt be anything other than a better version of that first baptism by written word. And it has been.

Blogging has brought me so much more than keeping a " regular ", old school journal. On top of bringing the sweet relief of unbottled emotion, blogging has opened up a whole new world of people and places. Blogging has introduced me not only to new friends, but new ideas, ideas that i would only have come across second or even third-hand without the blogosphere. Its brought me a support network that, despite being made up primarily of people i have never actually met, has been the sunshine on many a rainy day.Blogging has brought me a confidence that i am not the only weirdo in the world - that quiet often the things i thought were uniquely my problems are issues for other people to. It has lead me to see that i am, in fact, not alone. And that, my friends, is comforting.

Blogging may be the only part of my life where i dont follow a process. That is unless you count often incoherent rambling as a process in itself. I write as i think: quickly and often, without editing. That is to say i blog on a topic so quickly that i often dont stop to think what is that i am actually writing and this, in turn, means that very rarely self-censor. It has, on the odd occasion, meant that i have written about things that i probably shouldnt have, or at the very least, written too much detail, made things too personal. This is in opposition to my real life where i am very guarded, so readers of my blog should know that they getting the very core of me every time thy venture onto my page. I have written of battles with personal demons; of core events in my childhood that have shaped my emotional landscape; of sexual encounters, as few and far between as they are; and of regret, loss, pain and hope. These things are not so much about me but often they ARE me - the things i write about ( most often ) are the essence of who i am, and who i'm hoping to be. And they are true.

What else is true is the good that has come from blogging. The best thing that has come of my blogging thus far has been the relationships i've developed. I know its cliched to say " My blog helped me make friends! " but thats the answer to the question. So many of my friends and family question why i blog and just how genuine any relationships developed via the inetrnet are - but, in some cases, the fledgling relationships i have developed with fellow bloggers are the some of the most " real " relationships i have. Friendships developed via my blog ( and blogs the world over ) are based on personality, on brain and soul alone: they arent subjected to how pretty we are, how much money we have or how much power and influence we hold. They are based on a mutual attraction to ideas and attributes, and what could be more real than that? It may be a standardised answer, but the friendships i've made, the people i've come to know and love through nothing more than well written words, is the best thing i could have asked for from this whole blogging gig. Its the standard answer, but its true. And being true is always right.

I guess thats what i've been trying to say : blogging is right. Its the right fit. Its the right way. Its the right, and the real thing. The notion may be over-dramatic, but I've become addicted to this blog, and the others that i read. I'm able to share in the lives of others, and in turn share mine, and if sharing isnt caring, then i dont know what is.....

And the trophy goes to....

.....Me! Well, lookee here, i won me an award! A huuuuuuuuuuge thankyou to Steph of The Panic Room for sharing the love and telling the blogosphere that i am, indeed, brilliant. Now, apparently, i get the chance to share some blog love of my own. There are a couple of rules/guidelines to follow though:

1. I get to put the really cool sticker thingamajiggy on my blog. Please refer to the sparkly looking thing up there .

2. Set up alink to the person who nominated you. See the underlined bit up in that paragraph? Thats the link - go click it.

3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs. Well, rules are made to be broken - i dont know if i read seven other blogs that havent already been nominated, but we'll see how we go.

4.Link to those blogs too. Yep, i'm getting to that bit.

5. Leave a message in regards to the blogs you've nominated. Spruik them up a bit hey ?

Alright, here goes. The nominees are:

1. Sheena from If These Walls Could Talk - if you dont already know Sheena, where have you been ? Living under a rock? This woman rules the SA blog scene and rightly so. She's smart, sassy and quite often shit-in-your-pants funny. If you arent reading her blog ( and looking forward to her book .... ) then your missing out!

2. Miss Em from Can You Point Me To The Bar? - tales and tidbits from a fellow 20 Something Blogger. Em has just the right mix of love, laughter and lunacy that I love in a blog. She's a fellow Aussie chick, so if you cant enough of feirce and fabulous Australian women, go to her blog now...

3. Paula from Insert My Blog Name Here - Paula rocks. Paula is like the edgy, funny, adventurous, crazy girl next door. Maybe -if you lived in a flat in the city. Reading her blog, you get the feeling that if you DID live in the flat next door to hers, she'd invite you over for a few drinks and some Guitar Hero at 1am in the morning. Yep - Paula rocks.

4. Rob from Dash Does Kathmandu - this is a relatively new blog written by a not so new blog buddy of mine. Young Rob has bravely uprooted himself from cosy Australian suburbia and planted himself in Nepal. Rob was an insightful kind of guy before he left, he could always be counted for awesome conversation, so just imagine whats going to happen now that he's living the Third World life. Clink on the link and go with!

And those are all the nominees i could come up with. So aside from feeling quite chuffed with myself and flattered that anybody even reads this junk - let alone LIKES it - i came to the conclusion that i need to be reading more blogs. I need to discover new people, new lives, and new adventures - reading a good blog is like reading a good book only you know someone is ACTUALLY living and breathing the story, the thoughts, the feelings.

So i'm handing it over to you. Yep, you. The one reading this right now.I want everybody to send me the link to one really great blog that you think i'd like. The author can be boy, girl, any age, from any country, i dont care. Just recommend something you think i should see.

This is going to be fun!

Do you think they're trying to tell me somethng ?

Sometimes I would really like to know what is up with weird dreams. Specifically, weird dreams involving celebrities. Even more specifically, weird dreams involving having sex with celebrities. I read somewhere when you dream of having sex with someone that it doesnt necessarily mean you want to sleep with that person ( unless, of course, you really do want to shag Johnny Depp... ) - rather there is something about that person, a personality trait, that you admire or are attracted to. I could understand that if you dream of sleeping with say, your boss or an employee mentor that you might want to emulate, or that really good friend of a friend that you'd really like to be as popular as. But what if the person, or type of person your sleeping with in these dreams, is somewhat unsettling ? See, last night i had a quite vivid dream involving myself and the recently deceased ( he died on my birthday, god rest his soul... ), Heath Ledger. But not grungy, hippie dad Heath. Not long haired, karaoke singing, high school rebel Heath. Not even clean cut but secretly gay cowboy Heath. Nope, this is the Heath i was dreaming about:









Psychotic, anarchic, murderous clown Heath. Well kind of anyway - he wasnt dressed so much as the Joker but the Heath in my dream had the same kind of personality, only a little less trigger happy. He was angry and vengeful and warning that he was going to kill someone. I didnt see that - all I got from him was that he was lost, confused and scared, and so I went to him. And... yada, yada, yada, make up the nasty details for yourself. But the point is I was intensely sexually attracted to a slightly demented, and potentially dangerous, character played by an actor who is dead in real life.



This is not the first time I've noticed this odd dream attraction. Truth be told, and i've never really admitted it before, but I have had many the fantasy involving this man:

That is Brandon Lee, as he appears as Eric Draven in " The Crow ". I dont know how many of you have seen the film ( which i count as my all time favourite ) but basically Eric Draven is a guy who was murdered by neighbourhood thugs and returns from the grave to avenge his fiances violent death. Oh, also - Brandon Lee is dead. Do we see a pattern here ?

I'm questioning the meaning behind these dreams. Why, in fantasy land, am I so intensely drawn to the dangerous, violent, slightly Gothic, overly made up, broken boys ? Why do my " dream " men like painting their faces and seem to have all kinds of emotional issues ? Could it be that i am subconsciously transferring some of my own characteristics to a symbol of relationships? Or does it mean that in reality i'm looking for a beautiful but broken boy that i can fix and, in doing so, fix myself ?

I really dont know. Perhaps i'm over thinking this and i just really want to get it on with a boy in makeup and leather pants. I wish someone could give me the answer. Seriously, if you have any insight into this let me know. Otherwise i might have to ask my psychologist and it's gonna be kind of awkward bringing up the fact that my most intimate sexual fantasies involve face paint, violence, and talented actors dead before their time.....

Welcome to my boudoir.... or not

Well, thats it - I'm officially moved back in with my parents. Its suprisingly comfortable, although i predict it wont always be. For starters, i think i'm not entirely comfortable with some of the restrictions on my freedom now - most specifically, the the " rules " i know my parents have for relationships under their roof. And by relationships, i mean sex.

Dont get me wrong - its not like i go out and pick up strangers for a quick shag every weekend. And neither do i have a boyfriend who would be " sleeping " over. My point is now that i'm back with the parentals units, I cant. Remember RNG ? Well, he's still a really nice guy but i think he's destined to be a really nice guy " friend " rather than " boyfriend ". I think this can be partly blamed on the fact that we havent seen each other since i blogged about our second date ( due to him doing 10 day rotations and us living in different towns ) but i'd be stupid if i didnt notice his drop in conversation levels since i told him i was moving home. Despite not having seen each other we have been in regular contact and i think the spark has just gone because we havent been able to indulge it, but surely it cant be attractive to him that i know share a house with authority figures. Figures who make rules which make intimate relationships very difficult.

Aside from that one little issue, i'm not quite sure why i still feel a little odd. I a lame now that i live with my parents ? Is it sad that i've returned to the family home, even if it is for nole reasons? Or is it all in my head - or his ? Apparently, according to various articles i've seen or read in the past few years, there are a whole tonne of Gen-Yers living with their parents. Hell, some of them havent even left and come back, they've just remained stagnant in their childhood bedrooms. So why do i feel so...so...so turned about ? Like i've taken a huge step backwards, instead of seeing and knowing it for the opportunity it is.

But enough about me and my oncoming man drought. Hell, my continuing man drought. Other than my lack of male attention, things arent going so badly. Ive applied for some really great jobs and was talking to an old school friend early today who said she might be looking for a flatmate later this year. I might have scored me a place to live and a cool roomie, all in one!
Things are looking okay and you know what ? They have the potential to get so much better. r at least different. And dont they say change is as good as a holiday ?

A Few Pieces of the Puzzle

So i stole this one from Miss Em over at Can You Point Me To The Bar ? Yes, technically its a meme that she didnt tag anyone for, but the idea was cute that i thought i'd " borrow " it.
Now the challenge was to peruse the funniness at http://www.someecards.com/ and find a few cards that depict a little bit of who you are and what you're about. Trust me, it may take you a while - you'll be checking out the pages for ages! But here's what i came up with:




Yes, i am kind of a movie snob. I watch all these fancy, foreign, arthouse films and i actually like them. I encourage my friends to watch them, raving about how good they are and you know what ? Most of my friends are so NOT critically acclaimed movie people - they're blockbuster people or, much to my chagrin, sometimes they're immature spoof movie people. Dont get me wrong, i love a bit of " Billy Madison " or action moves where a lot of stuff blows up, but i need a bit of intelliegence sometimes. Apologies about that.

Oh yea, i'm all about the naps. Cat naps, nanna naps, catch up naps, the litte naps you sneak in the back seat of the car on a long trip. Forget seeing Machu Pichu or eating lunch at a Buddhist monastery, i'm going to be in my last throwes and reminiscing about that lazy Sunday afternoon where i fell asleep on the lounge watching a re-run of M*A*S*H.

THis is for my friends. Pretty much, thats how i want to be thinking about you if i consider you as part of my inner circle. I'm super loyal, and you better be too. Like P, my best friend - she's totally invited to my funeral! I hope she makes cheesecake for everybody, in my memory of course....

Which is not to say i'm an unashamed horny biatch ( although we could be headed in that direction... ), just they i havent been getting out much. Its hard to meet people, to even have the opportunity for skanky one night shag, when you've been spending the majority of your weekend nights watching DVD's from the comfort of your loungeroom....


Aww, families, we all have one. I really like mine, as depicted above. Okay, maybe not all the wacky bastards - extended families can get seriously freaky! - but my immediate family ? I lubs them big lots. Thats us playing Trivial Pursuit by the way. My dad is cheating. Thats such a dad thing to do.

And thats it my lovelies. Go check out http://www.someecards.com/ if you need a Friday Feelgood and if you decide to follow in my footsteps and steal this blog idea, please let me know!

Hump Day Wednesday

I have a really good day. Nothing special happened, but it was just one of those days where a succession of little things make you smile and then, before you know it, your smiling all on your own and just enjoying the day. It probably helped that its Hump Day Wednesday and not a Monday, but still.... So what got me smiling ?

* My hair looked really cute today. I usually straighten it and either leave it out or then throw it up into a ponytail, but today i had one peice of hair that just didnt want to go straight. So what did i do ? INsetad of wrestling with it, i just kicked the rest out at the ends aswell, so i had this cute little flippy thing going on.

* I listened to Panic at The Disco's new album " Pretty. Odd " on the way to work. I am loving this album right now. Its just quirky, hippy, slightly pyschodelic, sunshiney pop.... perfect start to the morning.

* A lady with a baby came in to have her eyes tested. The baby was probably only a couple of months old and he had a sweet shock of chicken-y fluff hair right on the crowd of his head. He smiled at me. Too cute!

*Both of my co-workers were in a good mood today, as compared to yesterday. It always makes things more fun if everybody has a good vibe going on.

* I was really productive at work today. I spent a long time staring at numbers and entering data, but we're caught up from having had Monday off work.

*I finished right on time - the clock tower bell chimed 5 o'clock and i was out of there, no having to wait back for straggling patients!

It was just one of those days we're all the good little things mount up until your floating along on a cloud of contentment. And you know how once you started " floating along " you start to seem floating in and out to ? At least i do. What i mean is once i'm having a really good day i start drifting off into daydreams, usually drifting right down Memory Lane, to other good times and events : hanging out on lunch breaks with friends at school; coming up out of Penn Station onto the streets of New York City for the first time; a lazy afternoon spent with a cute guy leading to the best sex ever; seeing John Butler Trio play in New York City and learning that all the Americans knew the words to " Zebra "; hanging out with my gorgeous neice and having her spontaneously say " I love you Aunty Amy " .... you know, all the good stuff. The stuff that sustain a person when they arent having such a great day.

So there you be. Hope you all had, or having a great day too. If not check out this here musical video and let Panic at the Disco make it all better .......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f3K2sEHuIM