Monday, April 22, 2013

You Can Choose Your Friends....

  • ....but you cant choose your family, so the saying goes.... the key word in that phrase being 'you'. However, Dr Michael Carr-Gregg, noted Australian child psychologist, would argue that not only can you choose your own friends, that you should be choosing your childrens friends aswell. As much sense as he usually makes, I cant say that i agree with him this time.


     By his logic, a parent should be active in choosing who their children can and cant play with from an early age, based mainly on whether an individual child is going to be a positive influence on their child or not. That is, if you think that little Johnny is a 'bad' kid, you should ban your little person from playing with him again, and only allow the 'good' kids to make the playdate list. I say 'pffft! ' to that. Yes, we all want our children to be friends with children who bring out the best in them, with children who have nice manners and come from a good home. Sadly, not all children have the good fortune of being born into a family who teaches them manners, or who disciplines them enough, and those children may be bratty, obnoxious little bullies by the time they hit kindergarten. But to deny a friendship between those children and yours, i think is a little harsh - both to your child, and to the playmate you are denying.

    I dont know about the rest of you, but i hope that by the time Flynn is in kindergarten i have been able to teach him what is and isnt appropriate behaviour. Hopefully this will make him naturally gravitate towards other children who exhibit the same 'good ' behaviours. ( And, by all accounts, this is already happening. His 'best friend' is a beautifully mannered little boy who has lovely, friendly parents ). But, if it doesnt, and he finds himself in a friendship with one of the 'naughty' kids, is it really so bad? If its possible for ' good ' children to be swayed to bad behaviour by a ' bad ' child - doesnt it then stand to reason that the opposite can be true? That by my well-mannered child inviting his new friend over to play, that the display of good manners and friendliness and sharing exhibited in our home may influence the ' bad ' child to change his behaviour?

     I would like to think that, as a mother and a human being, i would first try and help the 'naughty' child, to give them a positive influence, before shunning them altogether. It is a different kettle of fish when we're talking about teenagers - who have both the capacity to decide things on their own, and stubborness to keep on with bad habits and behaviours - but for small children i think a loving, positive influence is a far better tool than the old divide-and-conquer approach.

    Does that make sense? How would you, or do you, go about dealing with your childrens friends? Are you the type who handpicks playmates for your kids, or you do your best with the children your own child has accepting into their circle?

    You guessed it .... IBOT is on again over at EssentiallyJess!

14 comments:

  1. well, I JUST had a conversation about this yesterday. because as i peeked in on my son's class when i arrived to pick him up, i saw him at the back of the room with a kid I have already sussed out as a bit of a trouble maker. And I don't want Nick hanging around with him. In saying that, I've not told Nick how I feel about it, instead I will be making sure he knows what behaviour is expected of him in class, and hoping he makes the right choices when he's in there. I think the kids your child chooses to hang around with will have the biggest influences on their lives as they grow, so it's important they're good ones. I think I agree with him. But I think you have to be smart about how you go about it. "Banning" your kid from playing with anyone is not a good start! -Aroha (#teamIBOT)

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    1. I think you're right about the being smart in your approach.... I guess we just have to try and be the bigger influence on their lives!

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  2. I think both theories have merit. As a mother we want our children to be the best they can be and this goes for behaviour. If we teach them right from wrong from the word go, I believe they will gravitate towards the right kind of friends. Sometimes we have to let the natural progression take its course, but then sometimes we also have to step in for the wellbeing of our child too.

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    1. Exactly - I would like to think that if parented well, most children will gravitate towards 'like' children.

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  3. Well I do suggest my daughter plays with lots of kids not just a few, mainly because one she was playing with was starting to teach her not so great words, but then again I agree kids should make up their own minds about friends. It's hard to hold myself back though! Emily

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    1. I think encouraging a variety of friends is a great idea, and that especially when they are little we need to give our kids the opportunity to learn - for themselves - who is, and isn't, a good friend to have....

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  4. I can definitely see the merit in what Carr- Gregg says, but I think it's more important when kids are older. I think when they are young it's not so important and that you are right Amy, the "bad" kids should definitely have the interaction with the good kids as a chance to help them maybe not be so bad and to learn the good traits that other kids have.

    Great post Amy.

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    1. Well thank you Kylie. As a young parent or young children, its something for me to think on, so just wanted to throw the question out there...

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  5. I have to admit I tend to agree with Michael Carr Gregg. I do actively encourage certain friendships for my children and will not hesitate to find out about a family before I allow my kids to go and play. Is not just the other child, its also play dates at their house etc. you say you hope to influence a naughty child but what influences might occur if your child was to go over to theirs to play, and while you would like to think you are a good enough parent to deal with those issues, you can't take back what your kids have already seen. I suppose it comes from what I have experienced in my line of work, unfortunately I know to much about this town.

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    1. I don't think I would actively engineer certain friendships either - just because I am friends with a particular family doesn't mean my children will necessarily like theirs. For now, as a young mum, I am content to see who my kids will gravitate towards and go from there...

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  6. It makes sense, and I like your thinking but that 'naughty' child will only be influenced by you for such a short time that that potentially negative influence will be showered on your child over more hours than you have the ability to influence. I do like your spirit though and the thought behind it.

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    1. I don't know, maybe I'm a bit naive? But I think trying the positive approach first is a much better lesson for my kids than a 'seperatist ' approach - ' your a good kid, he's a naughty kids, you can't play together ' to me is akin to teaching my child that he is 'better ' than others. If I can at least show him that we try help others first and that doesn't work, well, so be it....,

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  7. For som reason I couldn't reply to my original comment. I thought on this post for ages last night, and the one thing that came to mind was exactly what Pip mentioned, yes we can be a positive influence on all kids, but unfortunately we do only have them with us in our short time and we can't change (and ethically is it right) to think that we are a better parent than what the said "naughty child" already has and that our influence could therefore be greater than the child's family?
    Here is an example from my work, for years I worked with children from a disadvantaged area. One summer we ran dance classes culminating in a big performance at the end. We bought them all a full set of clothing, the girls makeup, and we had acquired free wet packs with shampoo toothpaste etc, so we gave them those too. The kids parents thought it was great that we clothed their kids but they were highly insulted about the wet pack, that we were insinuating that they were dirty and we got a huge dressing down for what was supposed to be a kind gesture with other intention than here is some free stuff. For some of those kids, the only meal they got was the lunch we fed them. I suppose my point is that even with well- meaning it can still be misconstrued.
    I do agree with letting kids make their own friends, and it's been one of he parts I have absolutely loved about sending my guys to school/preschool. Finally they are mixing with kids other than my friends kids, they are making friends on their own terms. I have o problem with the naughty kid, it could be my kid and he comes from a great family (well I like to think!) I guess I more think about the environments that kids come from, that's what I want to protect my babies from.
    And Amy if our Little guys end up as friends, you will always be welcome in our home with open arms!
    (Also I wanted to clarify in my comment above when I said you, I didn't mean you personally, just you as in parents in general)
    This was a great post Amy, thanks for sharing it.

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    1. I completely get what you mean Polly, and I'm glad at least something I've written on this blog has finally got some discussion going! And I guess, if I knew that a particular childs home life was terrible I would still let that child come to my place but maybe not let my kids play over there.
      And hey, we both have kids named Flynn - doesn't that automatically make them friend's? :)

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